Screaming Like A Girl

“This storm is nothing. Says the man who just shot a lawn mower to bits.” Carp says.

“It wasn't a very dependable model.” Tinkletoes says. “I did that woman a favor.”

A thunderous crash sounds directly overhead.

“Holy Crap.” Tinkletoes says.

“Someone disagrees.” TP says giggling.

“Writer Lady's right.” Carp says. “It's safer in the house.”

“We're fine here. It's just a little storm.”

There is a louder crash and the flash outside brightens everything within the shed.

“Whoa.” Tinkletoes exclaims.

The unmistakable sound of hail beating on the roof of the shed begins. It's coming down hard and fast.

“I'm going to the house.” Carp says.

“Too late now. It's hailing.” Tinkletoes says.

Carp opens the shed door. “It's only pea size right now.” Carp looks at the sky still dark and heavy. “In another ten minutes, those clouds are going let loose and this time it's going to be the big stuff. Let's go while we still can.”

“I'm not getting stuck in that house with her. Not the way she's carrying on. You go ahead.” Tinkletoes says. “I'll see you in ten minutes. When the whole mess has blown out of here.”

“I'm warning you, staying in here is a bad idea.” Carp says watching the hail fall, “It's slowing down out there.”

“I've been warned. Now go.” Tinkletoes answers.

Carp sets out across the yard as tiny hail falls around him intermittently.

Tinkletoes looks at TP, “You too. Get going.”

“TP stay. TP wants to see Tinkletoes go Boom!” The faerie giggles.

“Go back to the house.” Tinkletoes says.

The faerie disappears in a puff of smoke and Tinkletoes closes the shed door just as the storm sirens go off.

“The sirens always go off when the storm is over. In ten minutes Carp will be apologizing to me.” Tinkletoes says, setting the alarm on his watch.

Entering through the back door, Carp finds Writer Lady waiting inside with warm dry towels and inquiring looks. She gives Carp a towel and helps brush the random hailstones off.

“Tinkletoes is staying in the shed.”

“What?”

“He says that the storm is not that bad, he's not coming out.”

“That's what he thinks.” Writer Lady says stepping past Carp.

“What are you going to do?”

“Well..I'm going to...”

“He doesn't want to talk to you right now.” Carp says.

“He doesn't have to talk to me, he just has to come into the house.”

Listening intently, giggling at the silliness of humans and their behavior, TP says. “I can make Tinkletoes come into the house.”

Carp and Writer Lady look at the faerie.

“But only if TP can make big noise.”

Ten minutes later, the alarm beeps. “Not another clap of thunder. Not a single drop of rain. I'm right again.” Tinkletoes says, reaching to turn off the watch. “I guess I better open the door so he can come back in.” Standing up, Tinkletoes reaches for the door just as an ominous growl comes from directly above his head. “That doesn't sound good.” The rumbling grows louder. Tinkletoes pushes the door open slightly to find much heavier and darker clouds above. The clouds begin swirling slowly in a counter clockwise direction. Increasing speed as the clouds come closer together. The rumbles grow louder. The wind picks up, increasing the spinning of the clouds.

“It just got ugly.” Tinkletoes says sitting back in the corner of the shed watching the door. “I'm thinking I got three options. Sit here and wait to die. Shoot myself, sit here, and wait to die.”

The sound of the wind grows louder like a train coming at the shed at full speed. It lifts the shed and drops it back down repeatedly, making the windows rattle, and the roof creak.

“Or I can die running for the house.”

Wheels turn. There is a ping! “All this sitting around is for the birds anyway.” Tinkletoes stands to his full height, brushes himself off and runs stopping in the yard long enough to glare at the tornado and flip it the bird.

TP's voice can be heard surrounding Tinkletoes. “Silly human.” The tornado changes direction, heading straight for the self-proclaimed mercenary he turns tail and runs for the house sliding through the open back door, screaming like a girl.

The moment Tinkletoes slides into home the tornado disappears, the rumbles go silent. Only light gray clouds are in the sky.  Birds start singing. Tinkletoes looks at Dobby who is sitting in front of him on a stack of storage containers, grins for a second, and drops his head back down on the floor. The ginger tabby reaches over and licks the mercenary on the end of his nose.

Reaching up to pet the cat, “Hey buddy, good to see you. I missed you.” Tinkletoes says.

“That wasn't so hard now was it?” Writer Lady comments handing Carp a First Aid Kit, some clean towels, and leaving the room.

Taking the supplies and putting them down on a nearby table Carp looks at Tinkletoes closely waiting for his moment.

“Amazing.” Carp says.

“What's amazing?” Tinkletoes asks.

“My mind must be playing tricks on me because I saw you come sliding in through the back door but I could have sworn a heard some girl screaming.”

Big Noise

Tinkletoes takes a step back and holds up his hands.

“I'm putting alarms all over this thing. So don't even think about taking this back after I go to bed.” Writer Lady says as she takes the ammo bag into the house.

“She always makes me leave before she goes to bed. What does she think, I'm going to pick the lock or something?” Tinkletoes mutters to himself. Turning to Carp he says, “I told you that woman has a mean streak.”

“You shot up her shed and her lawn mower. What did you think she was going to do console you with sweet words and fresh cookies?” Carp answers.

“Sweet words. From her?” Tinkletoes says. “Some warm cookies would have been nice though.”

A window opens, “A working lawn mower would be nice too. But I don't have that. Do I?” Writer Lady yells and slams the window back down.

“Fix the shed. I personally would replace both the shed and the lawn mower. Then she'll give you your stuff back.” Carp says.

“It's the Fourth of July. After 4 p.m. Nothing is open. Besides I just used the last of my savings on a new...”

“Another light saber? You have five. What are you going to do with six?”

“This is a custom design. My best one yet. I can sell it some day. Besides the display doesn't look right. Three on one side, two on the other. It's crooked.”

“You don't have to buy a sixth light saber to fix that. Take the number three saber and center it underneath both of the rows with two sabers in them. Or you can just leave it like it is. Asymmetrical designs can catch the eye more quickly and be more visually interesting.”

“What are you a decorator now?” Tinkletoes asks.

“No, but I've hired a few.” Carp answers.

“For a minute I thought we were going to have to go on a scavenger hunt...for your manhood.” Tinkletoes says laughing. “I'd be happy if we could just find some duct tape.”

A roll of duct tape sails past Tinkletoes' head. A second one flies directly at him. He catches it, pulling it away from his face he says “thanks,” looking up to see Writer Lady glaring at him.

“That's only temporary until you replace the shed,” she says slamming the back door.

“I don't know why she's so mad. It was my Fourth of July that got ruined.”

The natural light in the yard grows darker. Looking up at the gray clouds moving in, “It looks like it's going to rain. Let's get these holes covered.” Carp says.

“Cover the outside of the shed first, then inside. That way we can keep going even if it starts raining.” Tinkletoes finishes.

Both men cross the yard duct tape and utility knives in hand to begin their work. The work goes quickly. The storm moves in more quickly. The air grows heavy, heat lightning fills the sky. The wind picks up making working with tape and knife difficult.

“It's too windy out here. Let's work inside.” Tinkletoes calls to Carp. Both men go into the metal shed closing the door behind them as lightning strikes in the sky over their heads. It begins to rain. There is another sound mixed in with the rain, wind and lightning.

“Do you hear something?” Carp asks.

Tinkletoes stops and listens. “There's a beeping noise.” Tinkletoes says and continues working.

A bright red light starts blinking in a darkened corner on the opposite side of the shed. It grows brighter with every blink.

“Um...Tink. Did you forget something?” Carp asks.

Tinkletoes looks at Carp and waits for more information.

“That light doesn't go to some explosive device or something does it?”

“No. I only have grenades. I have my eye on a rocket launcher...”

“What is that blinking then?” Carp asks.

“I don't know. Go look.” Tinkletoes says.

“You're the veteran. You go look.”

“I got thrown out of the munitions program before they got to that part. You borrow one jeep and a rocket launcher they just get all bent out of shape.” Tinkletoes says shaking his head. “Some people just don't get it. I learn by doing.”

“Who's going to check this thing out?” Carp asks.

Both men stare at the blinking light.

“BOOM! You're dead!” TP screams out, giggling when both men hit the deck covering their heads. “Silly humans.” TP continues giggling.

“Damn it TP!” Tinkletoes yells.

“No bad words. Shame. Shame.” TP says shaking his finger. “The Fourth of July is for making big noises. TP made a big noise.”

“TP's going to be a little spot of goo on the bottom of my boot if he does it again.” Tinkletoes says sitting up.

“Tinkletoes made a big mess. He's cranky.” TP says looking at Carp.

“That happens when someone takes all of your toys away.” Carp says winking at TP.

“What do you want TP?” Tinkletoes asks.

“Writer Lady sends a message. Bad storms. When there is lightning in the sky metal sheds are not safe. She says to come inside.”

“Did she run out of people to yell at?” Tinkletoes asks.

“No. Writer Lady is concerned for your safety. You must come inside.”

Both men stand up. Walking across the shed and opening the door Tinkletoes, Carp, and TP look outside. The sky is dark as night, illuminated fully by large bursts of lightning. Both men take hold of the door to keep it from blowing open completely. Closing the door and stepping further inside Tinkletoes says, “Writer Lady's worried about this? This is nothing. We're perfectly safe.”

It Hits The Fan

“Has your grandma always been like that?” Carp asks.

“My whole life.” Tinkletoes says.

“Sorry Man. But that explains a lot. No wonder you have such messed up ideas about women.”

“That's Grandma. She's not a woman.” Tinkletoes says shaking his head he walks across the yard to inspect the damaged shed more closely.

Carp follows Tinkletoes into the shed.

“What do you think we should do to fix this?” Tinkletoes asks sticking his finger through one of the shed's numerous holes.

“Of course she's a woman. If she's not a man, she has to be a woman.” Carp responds.

Tinkletoes rolls his eyes and holds up one hand, counting off non-male categories. “Moms, Grandmas, Sisters, Teacher-Aunts and Women.”

“Teacher-Aunts?” Carp asks.

“Teachers and Aunts?” Tinkletoes says. “I figured this stuff out when I was four. Get with the program buddy.” He says patting Carp on the back.

“Not all teachers are women.” Carp says. “Besides, shouldn't Teachers and Aunts be on separate fingers?”

“Not when you're four. I always had a snake, lizard, or my favorite car in the other hand. I wasn't about to put that down.” Tinkletoes explains. “What about duct tape? We can cover the holes with that. Both sides of the holes. A coat of paint on the outside...”

“In all this time you've never felt compelled to change your system?” Carp asks.

“No. Why?”

“Because they are all women.”

“No. A woman dresses pretty, smells nice, and shares her cookies.” Tinkletoes says.

“That's your description of a woman?” Carp asks.

“Yes. I...”

“Let me guess you came up with that when you were four too.”

Tinkletoes nods proudly.

“Things have changed a lot since we were four Tinkletoes. There's a lot more to being a woman than looking pretty and smelling nice. Don't you think it's time to change your definition?” Carp asks.

Tinkletoes moves around the shed in search of duct tape. “If it ain't broke, don't fix it.” Tinkletoes says. “My definition ain't broke.”

“You have no idea how messed up your thinking is do you?”

“So. Duct tape over the holes?”

“Tink. You destroyed the shed. You have to replace the shed.”

“She has another one right there.” Tinkletoes says pointing the towards the other shed.

“You still have to replace the shed.”

Tinkletoes stares at Carp pointing at the other shed.

“Fine. Tape over the holes and paint it. Buy yourself some time. You'll still owe her a new shed. What are you going to do about the lawn mower?” Carp asks.

“I was thinking...duct tape?”

Exiting the shed, Tinkletoes and Carp stand in the yard and look at the mower. It is riddled with bullet holes. Patches of metal are missing from the mower's brightly colored shell.

Standing next to the mower is Writer Lady. Her eyes large, face pale with shock at the sight of the lifeless machine that used to be her lawn mower. “My mower. What happened to my mower?” She asks.

“It's kind of a long story.” Carp says.

“The lawn mower. You shot up the lawn mower.” Writer Lady says. “Why?”

“We got permission from Mr. Donut and the others to have the shooting range. The men decided they wanted to watch. Participate too.”

Writer Lady slowly lowers herself to her knees looking at her mower with sadness. “But why?” She asks.

“Mr. Donut well he found Tinkletoes' Uzi.”

“Mr. Donut came outside?” Writer Lady asks.

“Tinkletoes was teaching Mr. Donut about the gun. It accidentally went off.” Carp lowers his voice and turning his head says quickly. “A few hundred times.”

“But the mower was in the shed.” Writer Lady says. Realizing what must have happened she stands up and looks around Tinkletoes and Carp to check the condition of the shed. “What the...?”

“Try not to get too upset.” Carp says. “We're going to fix this. Tinkletoes already has a plan to fix it.” Carp smiles nervously.

Writer Lady moves her gaze from the shed to Carp then Tinkletoes. She looks back at the shed. At Tinkletoes. “You...” She says to Tinkletoes. “You did this. You were supposed to have a plan, fail safes, the help of a faerie. Where was TP when all of this was happening?”

“Things were going so good. I kind of...gave him the day off.” Tinkletoes says looking everywhere except at Writer Lady's face.

“You gave him the day off?”

“Well. Yeah.” Tinkletoes responds.

“That's great. That's just great. Was anyone hurt?” Writer Lady asks her voice shaking with anger.

“No Ma'am.”

“Thank goodness for that.” Writer Lady says starting to turn towards the door to the house.

Tinkletoes lets out the breath he was holding.

Abruptly turning around and pointing to the lawn mower Writer Lady says, “You're going to fix this.” Pointing to the shed she says, “You're going to fix all of this” gesturing to both casualties with her finger. “Now.”

Once again, she starts to walk to the house. Looking down Writer Lady sees Tinkletoes' ammo bag. Squatting, she looks at what's inside. “Brought the entire arsenal with you today?” she asks.

“Pretty much.” Tinkletoes says. “Impressive isn't it?”

Writer Lady looks at Tinkletoes then looks into the bag. She looks back up at Tinkletoes, “Yes I have to say it is very impressive,” giving him a bright, sexy smile. Fluidly rising from her spot ammo bag in hand.

Tinkletoes steps forward to grab the bag from her stopping only when a taser is inches away from his face.

“Don't even think about it soldier boy.”

If You Kill It You Gotta Eat It

Tinkletoes and Carp slowly raise their heads listening for any unusual sounds, sniffing the air for smoke, looking for flickers of flame. There was nothing. They rise, helping Mr. Donut get up after they do.

“It's okay. The rest of you can get up now.” Tinkletoes calls to the elderly men at the south end of the yard.

They rise, slowly. Helping each other as needed.

“That's a lot of bullet holes.” Mr. Morely says.

“Sure is.” One of his companions agrees.

“A shame.”

Comments continue to sprinkle through the yard.

“That was a damn fine shed too.”

“What a waste.”

“I hope there wasn't any gasoline in there.” Carp says.

“She stores that in the other shed.” Tinkletoes says. Looking at Mr. Donut he says, “Well Sweets that was your first time with an Uzi. Let's see what you caught.”

Carp makes his way over to the shed's remains. Walking up the ramp he opens the door and disappears inside. He emerges pushing Writer Lady's lawn mower. “I've got good news and I've got bad news.” Carp says, “The good news is nothing punctured the gas tank. You two managed to destroy this mower without a single explosion.”

“And...” Tinkletoes says.

“I have a question for you Tinkletoes. How would you like it?”

“How would I like what?”

“How would you two like to eat this shed and lawn mower?” Carp asks. “If you kill it you gotta eat it. That's your rule isn't it?”

Mr. Donut pales, “I can't eat that stuff. I'm an old man.”

“Don't worry Sweets no one is eating metal.” Tinkletoes says. “Very funny Carp. Ha. Ha.”

“Sweets?” A voice calls.

“Busted.” A random voice is heard from the back of the yard.

“Sweets. Sweets Donut. Is that you?” A woman's voice calls from behind the recently deceased shed. She appears on the far side of the yard directly across from Tinkletoes and Mr. Donut. The new arrival is a tall woman. She is wearing thick glasses and a stern expression. The yard becomes quiet. The song of birds in the trees is barely audible. The dark blue t-shirt that says “Happy Birthday America” on it and matching capris are the complete opposite to her expression.

“Jean?” Mr. Donut asks.

“Yeah. Let me take a better look at you.” Jean says taking a few steps closer. “It's you alright. You look a little thinner. That's to be expected. It's good to see you came outside, about time.”

“I know.” Mr. Donut mutters.

“A 94 year old man wallowing like that. Your daddy would have had your hide for such behavior. Men these days...” Jean says, looking closely at Tinkletoes, “they've all gone too soft.”

Tinkletoes pales at the older woman's scrutiny and looks at the ground.

“Now that you're outside, I've been meaning to have a few words with you.”

“This isn't really the best time.” Mr. Donut says.

“The thing is I've been waiting 47 years to have this conversation. I really don't care if it's a good time. Y'all better sits your butts down.” Jean says looking at the group assembled in Writer Lady's backyard, “This could take a while.”

Carp and Tinkletoes double time it into the second shed to retrieve lawn chairs. When everyone is safely and comfortably seated in a semi-circle around Jean the real fun starts.

“Sweets Donut. Who said you could sit down?” Jean asks. “Stand up. Now. First of all I want you to know I never liked you. Most people know that. It's not like it's a secret or anything. I have not liked you since we were in school. What most people don't know is not only have I not liked you but I feel that way for a good reason. You Sweets Donut broke the heart of my best friend. If I had my way you would have been horse whipped years ago.”

Mr. Donut stands there in stunned silence.

“Do you remember Frances? Frances Morely?” Jean asks.

Sweets looks over at Mr. Morely.

“Francie did have a crush on you in school. I thought you knew that.” Mr. Morely says to Sweets.

“That's what I thought too.” Jean says. “It's a crush it will pass. She'll meet somebody. That will be the end of it. It wasn't. She lived a spinster's life happily. Wanting to be ready to marry when you were. She waited. Through her youth, when she was still young enough to have a family because she wanted to be with you even more. After all that time, over twenty years, you up and married Clara. Breaking her heart.”

“I didn't know. She married Kip, we continued seeing each other at dinners, bar-b-ques, picnics. She has always been pleasant...she makes the best pound cake I've ever had.” Sweets says.

“She made that pound cake for you.” Jean says.

“All this time?”

“In 1934, the year you and Mo graduated from the local school Francie made a pound cake for the dessert table. It was the first cake she baked all by herself. She was proud to bring it to her big brother's party. You said you loved it. When she fell for you a few years later she started making that pound cake, taking it to parties you would both be at hoping you would notice her.”

“I never did.”

“I'm surprised you noticed the pound cake you...you dunce! As for her marrying Kip, she never would have married Kip if I hadn't of pushed her. That was my fault. Anyway, Kip died. Clara passed a couple of years ago. When that happened I promised myself I would do what I could to try to help Frances. So!” Jean exclaims making everyone in the yard jump in their seats. “Here I am helping.” Jean leans in and looks Sweets in the eye “Stay Here!” she instructs. Turning around she heads over the shed. “Come on Francie let's go. You been waitin' your entire life for this don't leave now.” Jean says gently. “Get over here. Now. I don't want to have to drag your ass. Come on. Come on. That's good.” Jean reappears from behind the shed with a petite woman with big dark eyes and a weak smile. The pale flowered dress she is wearing looks just as timid as she is.   Francis is a holding plate in her hands which are shaking.

The two women are a sight making their way across the lawn. A study in large and small, loud and quiet, sturdy and fragile.

“Hi.” Sweets says to Frances.

The tiny woman manages to squeak out a return greeting and holds the plate out to him.

“Is this for me?” He asks.

Frances nods.

Sweets lifts the foil from the plate and takes a peek. “Pound cake. I love your pound cake Francie. How did you know?”

Frances smiles.

“You have been seducing me with these pound cakes for decades. I was wondering would you like to go out sometime?” Sweets asks.

Frances nods.

“Okay. I have to say this will go better if you talk.”

Frances nods.

“Can I walk you home?” He asks.

More nodding.

“I guess we'll get to the talking part eventually.” Turning to Jean Sweets says, “Thank you for setting things straight.”

“Thank you for being better than I expected.” Jean says.

Sweets turns to Tinkletoes and Carp. “Thank you both for helping me get out of the house. Start being me again. Playing with the guns and knives was interesting too.”

“You're welcome.” Carp says.

“Do us a favor. Don't do it again.” Tinkletoes says.

Mr. Donut nods, “That will not be a problem. I am happier with my guitar in my hands. It was nice meeting you both.”

“Don't forget Sweets you're one of the guys.” Carp says.

“How does a guy say good-bye then?”

“See you around.” Tinkletoes says.

“See you around.”

With the excitement over, the yard clears out quickly leaving Tinkletoes and Carp alone with Jean.

“This mess is your doing, isn't it young man?” Jean asks.

Tinkletoes studies the ground “Yes Ma'am.”

“I can't believe this. A grown man making a mess like this. If your grandfather were alive...”

“If Grandpa were alive he would've been here too.”

“Don't you talk back to me. I know who I married. Believe me when I say your grandfather would have known better than to set up a shooting range in town. That man was all about safety first. Safety first. Having a party at someone's house when they aren't home. Shooting up their shed...”

Tinkletoes continues studying the ground.

“I won't be telling your mother about this.”

“Thank you Ma'am.” Tinkletoes says looking at Joan.

“I'm going now. Clean up this mess. Don't forget to make amends. Call your mother.”

Jean exits the yard allowing Tinkletoes, Carp and nature to breathe normally again.

“That was your grandma?” Carp asks.

“Yeah. That was her.”