Coming Together

“Wait.” House says. “What are you doing?”

Damon continues erasing. “No change House. Change house. Move door.”

“So.”

“No move door. Moving door closes bridge. Moving door is bad.” Damon says as he finishes cleaning off the white board.

“This is eloquent?” House asks looking at Mural Man. “No one can stop me from changing my appearance when I want to.”

“Duuude...what Damon is trying to say is that if you change yourself, you'll have to close the bridge during construction. We don't know when anyone is coming back. We need to wait and keep things open man.” Ray says.

“First of all.” House says. “I'm not a man. I'm me. I'm the house. If I don't do this now I'll never get a makeover. Do you have any idea how full this place is getting? I feel bloated. All the time. I need to update my looks regularly. I'm independent. When you're independent and a big deal you have to keep upgrading. I need this makeover. Little Miss Priss is too inflexible to agree to my changes. I'll never get anything if I have to wait for her.” A high pitched cry resonates through the bonus room.

The room grows silent.

“Was that a whine?” Mural Man asks.

“No...” House says. “...maybe.”

Mural Man says, “I love you. I see how important this is to you so how about no makeover for now? You can plan all that you want," Mural Man says, looking at Damon then returning his gaze to House, "but don't do anything. I think that Ray, TP, and Damon will agree with me when I say that we will do everything that we can to help you get an expansion after everyone returns from Faerie safely.”

House looks around the room. Everyone nods their agreement. 

 House nods.  

“We need to find out who is hunting me.” Monitor Man says.

The bubbles gain altitude, turning and speeding back the way that they came. They circle around a bubble just as it is lifting off of the ground. It continues rising then stops. All three bubbles hover together. Monitor Man looks at the faces of his pursuers. He finds himself face to face with Smudge Mal and Spots Wash. Both kittens are completely decked out in hunting gear. Monitor Man studies the two kittens.

“Hey. Are you two trying to kill me?”

There is no answer.  Spots Wash shifts a little hiding his super soaker water gun.

“Hey!” Monitor Man's yells can be heard through both bubble's perimeters. He sees Writer Lady's bubble floating on the far side of the kittens. “They're trying to kill me. Your kittens are trying to kill me!” His voice rings through the interior of her bubble as he looks at Writer Lady.

“Spots! Smudge!” Writer Lady says, scolding her two young charges. The kittens look at each other. Their eyes grow wide. Spots swallows and lowers his head as both face Food Provider a.k.a. Writer Lady a.k.a. Mom.

Smudge Mal looks at Writer Lady and holds her stare.

“What do you two have to say for yourselves?” She asks, looking from a stricken Spots Wash to an undaunted Smudge Mal. “Well?”

“Smudge Mal. Browncoat. Secret Service Agent Class 1.”

“And?”

“I am a Browncoat on a mission. I do not have to explain myself.” Smudge Mal responds.

“What mission?”

“Smudge Mal. Browncoat. Secret Service Agent Class 1.” He repeats.

Writer Lady looks at Monitor Man who is standing with his arms crossed in front of him looking at her expectantly. She looks at the kittens. “If you two don't tell me what's going on...there will be repercussions.”

“Repercussions?” Spots Wash whispers. He looks at his older brother. “Did you hear that? Repercussions. That means bad things. I don't like bad things.”

“We are Browncoats. We have grit. Browncoats aren't scared of bad things.” Smudge Mal says.

“What if she doesn't love us any more?”

“Look at the way she's looking at you.” Smudge Mal whispers. “The disappointed eyes, the sad expression. Not possible.”

“What if she takes our food away?” Spots Wash asks.

“Once again look at her face. Not possible.”

“What if she takes away our toys?”

“We have to be tough about this.” Smudge Mal says. “If we tell her what's going on now then she'll have us spilling our guts all the time.”

“What if she takes away our toy mice?” Spots Wash asks. “What if you have to spend your days without Mousy?”

Smudge Mal looks at the scenery between his combat boots, the lush meadow clearly visible through the bubble's protective layer. “It's a hard thing. Sometimes tough guys have to do hard things.”

“You love Mousy. You take him everywhere...to bed, to the water bowl, to the litter box. You bite us if we try to take him from you.”

“I love Mousy. I love the mission more. A Browncoat does not relent.” Smudge Mal says, tightening his jaw and quickly looking away.

“That's your final word?” Writer Lady asks.

“That's my final word.” Smudge Mal answers, looking at Writer Lady.

“Very well.” She says. “When we get home...”

Smudge Mal's eyes begin to tear.

“Wait...” Spots Wash says. “...don't take Mousy away. Smudge Mal isn't trying to be bad. Food Provider, we came to Faerie to prove ourselves. We are on this mission to prove ourselves worthy of protecting our future President---Tinkletoes.”

A strange noise grows louder. All beings kitten and human alike watch as a large object races towards them braking moments before impact. The bubble arrives stopping suddenly and thrusting its only passenger against its inner wall. The person's face temporarily rearranged into something alien.

“What the...?” Tinkletoes asks.

Riding The Bubble

   Writer Lady  stands in front of the other bubble and studies it.  Finding what looks like the same spot Monitor Man has she places her hand on the bubble’s outside.  The bubble warms and begins to glow.  Monitor Man looks over and studies her progress.  “Only use a little pressure.”

 She adjusts the pressure that she is using.

 “A little less…a little less… be gentle.”  He says.  He watches as she adjusts pressure.  “Do you have any concept of how to use a soft touch?”

  “Um…yeah?”  Writer Lady eases up a little.

  “You need to ease up.” 

  “I just did.”

 “Ease up a bit more.”

Writer Lady looks at Monitor Man.   “It doesn’t like me.”  She says.

 “Don’t be silly just ease up.”  Monitor Man eases into his bubble even more.  “Relax.”

Writer Lady wiggles around a bit in an effort to look relaxed.  When the bubble begins to respond she does begin to relax.

  “Keep relaxing.”  Monitor Man encourages.  “That’s good.  Step forward.”

 The bubble softens even more.  Soon Writer Lady’s hand and wrist are inside the bubble.  The bubble continues making its way up the length of her arm.

“See?  It’s working.  Stay relaxed and let the bubble do the work.”

A slit lights up along the outside of the bubble beginning at Writer Lady’s arm and working its way down.  “What do I do now?”  Writer Lady asks.  There is no sound.  “Monitor Man.   Monitor Man?”  Writer Lady looks at the other bubble.  Monitor Man is safely inside.  “I guess these things are sound proof.”   She says looking at Monitor Man.  He smiles and gives her the thumbs up, encouraging her to continue entering her bubble.    Writer Lady studies the slit and eases her way forward a couple of inches.  The bubble continues forward closing the distance between them.  Writer Lady has one arm up to her shoulder and a half a leg inside when Monitor Man’s bubble begins to rise from the ground.  “Oh no you don’t.”  She says glaring at his bubble.

“No…no…no.”  Monitor Man says, the bubble he is occupying continues rising.   “We are waiting for Writer Lady.”  The bubble continues rising.  He looks down at Writer Lady, she is almost inside of her bubble. “Stop.”  Monitor Man yells, the bubble stops rising and floats in a holding pattern.  “Thank you.” 

  The moment that Writer Lady makes it inside her own bubble Monitor Man’s takes off at full speed.  She is jostled around as hers takes off immediately  in pursuit.  An odd noise surrounds.  “What is that?”

  “It’s some sort of communications system.  We can talk to each other.”  Monitor Man’s voice resonates throughout her bubble.

“Hello.”  He says.

“Hello,”  Writer Lady says, looking around the bubble as she speaks, unsure of the location of her bubble’s microphone.

“It’s okay.  I can hear you.  There’s no need to speak so loudly.” 

“What?  Why?  How?”  Writer Lady asks.

“I don’t know.  I said that I wanted to talk to you, I heard a beep and there you were.” 

“Isn’t the bubble organic?  What about biology?  The physiology of organic life?  The laws of physics?” 

“I don’t know.  Maybe it’s because we’re in Faerie.  Maybe it occurs naturally here.”

The bubbles rose and fell naturally over the landscape.  First giving them views of fields of wildflowers and then skimming over water.  Writer Lady sees the mountains growing in the horizon. “Where are we going?”  She asks.

“Good question.” 

 “I talked to the bearded guy and I know what to do.”  Smudge Mal says, looking out at the empty sky in front of them.  “Where’s Monitor Man?”  He asks.

 “He took off.”  Spots Wash says.

 “It’s okay little brother.  That Santa guy says that after you get inside the bubble all you have to do is think about your destination, picture it, or say it. All we will have to do is say that we want to find Monitor Man and the bubble should head right for him.”

 “There’s something else. “

Smudge Mal looks at Spots Wash and waits.

 “I saw the person with Monitor Man.” 

“Who is our second contestant?”  Smudge Mal asks.

“It’s a woman.”

“He finds girls everywhere.” 

 “The woman looked a lot like Food Provider.”

“How much like Food Provider?”

“Her clothes looked different.”  Spots Wash says.

“Anything else?”

“No just her clothes.”

“Food Provider is with Monitor Man in Faerie.  We are in Faerie to take Monitor Man prisoner.  Do you know what this means?”

Spots Wash does not answer.

“Extra points.  Let’s get this bubble flying.” 

“Sending a text.  You think it comes down to sending a text?”  Paige demands.

Peter, Dylan, and Diomedes all stop what they are doing and look at Paige.  They look at each other. 

“Yeah.  Why wouldn’t it?”  Peter asks.

“Keeping this place running is a big responsibility.  Huge.”  Paige says, pacing the floor.  “Who is going to send out bill payments,  keep Dylan out of trouble, keep food in the house?  Who is going to keep TP from playing with Tinkletoes’ weapons?  What about House?” 

Peter and Dylan look at each other.  “What about House?”

She wants a makeover.  She has Mural Man, Ray, and TP in the bonus room for a planning meeting as we speak. 

“TP is out of trouble.”  Peter says.  “Everything is fine.” 

“I have to explain everything don’t I?  House is not a woman, she’s a house.  When she gets a makeover it means that the house will be changed.   Writer Lady told us to keep things the way that they have always been.  If House gets her way Writer Lady’s instructions will not be followed.  What if Writer Lady gets mad at us all?   What if she sends us away?” 

“I want new fixtures, floors,  skylights, three more bedrooms, a ballroom. Clean lines, no more of this traditional crap.”  House smiles as she stands at the big white board.  “The only way that this is going to work is…another floor.  We need a second floor.”  House sighs contentedly, admiring her work.

“That is very ambitious.”  Mural Man says,  standing close to House.  “Very you.” 

Damon wanders in and studies the board.  He leans in close.  The demon reaches into his pocket and pulls out a rag.  He begins erasing. 

Enchanted Letters and Kittens On The Prowl

“Thank you Damon.” Diomedes says, accepting the letter. It is wrapped in a heavy parchment envelope and has been secured with a wax seal. The seal pulsates with a strange pink glow.

Dylan climbs up on to the couch to get a closer look. “It's glowing,” the tow haired boy says.

Peter and Paige make their way to Diomedes' other side to inspect it. Furnatche runs over to Diomedes and whimpers until someone picks him up. The baby dragon sniffs at the envelope intensely and begins to purr. His fur begins to glow in the same pattern as the wax seal.

“I didn't know that you could do that.” Dylan says reaching out to pet Furnatche.

“He is a magical creature. He is simply recognizing the power of other magical creatures.” The seven foot dragon says.

“He doesn't glow for you.” The four year-old points out.

Diomedes smiles gently. “The magic of Faerie travels along a wide range of wavelengths. Clearly, I am from a different part of Faerie than Furnatche is. This letter must have come from a place very close to Furnatche's home.”

Dylan looks down at Furnatche and says, “Maybe it's for you.”

“Let's see, shall we?” Diomedes suggests, breaking the seal on the letter, and opening it.

Diomedes,

If you are reading this something has gone horribly wrong. That last sentence sounds a bit clichéd doesn't it? Unfortunately it is the truth. Something has gone wrong. Well, I'm stuck, in Faerie. I don't know that I'm stuck but I am in Faerie and since it is a magical place existing in another dimension and I don't know how to get back home...I'm stuck. I am having trouble recalling many of the specifics of life in Faerie which puts me at a loss of what to do next. Usually someone ends up here and has some kind of fantastic adventure. I have to admit that it has been an adventure so far. Let me get you up to speed.

When we discovered that the house had grown too quiet and parted ways to search for the kittens TP told me that he knew where all of the cats were and he would lead me to them. I could tell from the calls traveling throughout the house that they could not be found. I decided to follow his directions keeping in mind that he is TP and usually up to something. Most definitely up to something this time. I followed his directions to stand in my closet, turn around five times fast, and sing “Dark Horse” by Katy Perry. He promised me cheese puffs and entrance to Faerie. I did it. It was scary, painful to my ears, and lasted way too long. I saw a strange light in the upper corner of the closet. There might be video. If there is please destroy it. Don't watch it if you want to keep your ability to hear...anything. Seriously.

I ended up in a part of Faerie that is amazing. It looks exactly the way I always pictured it. A place of lush, green meadows full of wildflowers, cottages, idyllic villages. It was idyllic until I met the ogre. He cornered me at the entrance to an alley behind the town square. He kept telling me how good I smelled and how I reminded him of a baker he'd had for dinner once upon a time. I asked him if the baker was the guest or the entrée. Damon found me before the ogre had a chance to answer. He has become quite eloquent since we last met.

The point is that Damon got me back on track. Neither one of us are quite sure where that track leads so I left this note with Damon and sent him back the way I came hoping that he would find his way back to you.

I don't know how long I will be gone. Keep things going the way that they have always been for now. Try not to arouse suspicion. Text my folks from time to time so that they don't stop by to see if anything is wrong. I hope to return soon. If too much time passes and the cats return they are going to have to go live with Grandma for a while. Sorry Dobby Cat these things happen. I love you all. Be safe. Take care of each other.

Love,

Writer Lady

“Duuude...this is serious.” Ray says, looking at Damon.

The demon nods his head, toilet paper flutters with each nod.

“There is no need to worry.” Diomedes says reassuringly. “We just need to make sure that we text Grandma. If someone could just tell me, what is a text?”

Everyone looks at each other.

Dylan rolls his eyes and says, “It's okay. I've got this.”

“It looks like he's going to try using one of those flying bubble things.” Spots Wash says.

“He's looking for a way in.” Smudge Mal continues, finishing his brother's thought. “We need to find one of the those bubbles too.”

A bubble passes overhead landing several yards behind them. The kittens watch as the bubble's passenger disembarks. He is a portly elf with a long white beard, wearing shorts and a brightly colored shirt. A long red sleeve trimmed with white fur is tumbling out of a bag that the elf is carrying.

“Wait here. Watch and remember where that bubble goes. I'll be right back.” Smudge Mal says.

Spots Wash watches as Monitor Man walks around the bubble searching for an entrance. Monitor Man starts feeling along the outside of the bubble. His hand stops when the surface of the bubble starts to change color. He smiles. His hand begins pushing through the bubble's perimeter.

“Hey.”

Spots hears him call out.

“Hey!”

The kitten listens as someone approaches and stands on Monitor Man's far side outside Spots' line of sight.

“Something is happening.” Monitor Man says.

Spots listens for an answer from their target's unknown traveling companion. A hawk flies overhead screeching, and drowning out all other discernible sounds.

“I placed my hand on the surface of the bubble, it started glowing, and after a few seconds I was able to push my way through...or maybe the bubble is pulling me in. I can't tell. Try it.” He says. “I'll wait for you.”

At the same time more and more of Monitor Man's arm enters the bubble.

“Hurry.”

A slit glows along the outside of the bubble traveling down from where his arm has entered. A tip of one foot begins edging towards the slit.

“Things are starting to speed up here. Hurry.”

Getting Sucked In

“Duuuude...what are you doing in the bathroom?” Ray asks. He turns and looks at the sea of faces watching him curiously. He smiles. Ray turns back to the bathroom and enters. His voice fades as he says, “Long time no see man,” and closes the door behind him. He emerges minutes later with Damon following close behind. The demon has toilet paper hanging off of both horns and his mouth is coated in mauve lipstick. He is dressed in jeans and a t-shirt that reads “Visit Faerie. Enchantment Awaits.” Damon follows Ray into the living room eagerly, smiling as he looks around at all of the familiar faces. His eyes stop. His smile disappears. The demon walks straight to Diomedes and hands him an envelope.

Writer Lady and Monitor Man keep low. They make their way through the rain forest using every caution. After verifying that they have lost their pursuers, the two find their way to the bubble landing site. Hiding behind...what else? Trees, the pair watch as a family of platypus leave their abandoned bubbles and head into a stand of trees in the distance. The bubbles darken slightly and the noise level lowers to a quiet hum.

“What's happening?” Monitor Man asks.

“I think that they may be shutting down. No...wait...the bubbles are still humming. They must be in quiet mode? Why?” She responds.

“They're waiting for new passengers.” He suggests.

Writer Lady and Monitor Man look at the empty bubble, look at each other, and smile. Each make their way to a bubble.

“How do we get inside?” He asks.

“I don't know.”

Something rustles among the trees. Both look in the direction of the sound. A lioness emerges from the shadows with a house cat following close behind.

“Can't we ride the bubbles Mom?” The cat asks.

“Not this time dear. We need to get home. Your father is already on his way back from the canned fish convention.”

“If we take bubbles won't we get there faster?”

“We're practically home now.”

“Mo-om.” The cat whines.

“Maybe next time dear.”

“Mom...I promise not to break another one.” He says, trying again.

“You have better control of your claws?” The lioness asks.

“I practice every day. I remember what Dad said too, 'If you knead you can't fly with speed'.”

“That's very good.”

“Let me show you.” The house cat presses.

“Next time.”

“Pleeeaase?”

The lioness smiles, she blinks, and answers patiently. “Next time.”

“O...kay.”

“A lioness and a house cat.” Monitor Man says, watching as they continue their journey.

“Yeah.” Writer Lady says, returning to the task at hand.

“Did you hear me? A lioness and a house cat?”

“Faerie? We're in Faerie. We are going to see things like that. Can you help me get one of these bubbles moving or do you need to be shot at before motivation kicks in?” Writer Lady asks, crossing her arms.

“Asks the cranky woman.”

“Excuse me.” She says, pointing to the target on the front of his t-shirt. “I am traveling in another dimension with a moving target and an unknown assailant. It makes a woman cranky.”

There's a rustling noise in the trees. Both Writer Lady and Monitor Man look in the direction the sound originated.

A second louder sound echoes through the open expanse. An orange monkey screeches as it travels through nearby branches.

“Maybe now is a good time to get going. We're too visible here.” Monitor Man says.

“Ya think?”

Spots Wash looks through the trees and watches Monitor Man as his eyes follow the lioness and house cat walking past him. He starts talking the moment that he senses Smudge Mal behind him.

“Am I still your useless little brother? I found him.”

Smudge Mal looks at what Spots Wash is looking at. “I'll be...”

“darned.” Spots says finishing his brother's sentence.

“Finally...things are gonna get interesting.”

“Help!” Carp calls into the vastness that is Faerie.

“Here comes another one.” Tinkletoes says. “Be more aggressive.”

“Remember that in Faerie everything can sense your emotions and can reject you at any time because of them.” Black Buck coaches.

A bubble zips across the meadow, skirting over grasses and flowers.

“Here it comes.” Black Buck says.

“Take control.” Tinkletoes says, looking at Carp. “You're a soldier.”

Carp looks at Tinkletoes and nods. Facing the bubble, he raises both hands indicating that he is the one in need of a ride. The bubble floats to Carp, immediately reversing within inches of the self-trained assassin.

Carp looks at Tinkletoes with uncertainty.

“I won't let you fail.” Tinkletoes says, turning to the bubble. “Hey!” He yells. The bubble pauses its retreat.

Black Buck and Carp look at each other.

“Come on.” Tinkletoes says, looking at Carp.

Carp makes his way over to Tinkletoes and the bubble. He reaches out and bubble starts backing away.

Tinkletoes walks around the back of the bubble stopping behind it. The bubble stops moving.

“Try again.” Tinkletoes says.

Carp raises his hand again, as the bubble floats back Tinkletoes stops it with his own hand. The spot where Tinkletoes' hand meets the surface turns green. The bubble begins warming.

“I have seen that before.” Black Buck says.

As the bubble warms, Tinkletoes' hand pushes its way through the bubble's membrane.

The bubble moves closer. Slowly, more and more of Tinkletoes is surrounded by the sphere.

“Whoa.” Tinkletoes says. “Slow down. I'm not getting inside. Carp is.”

The bubble continues inching its way forward engulfing the self-proclaimed mercenary's arm to his shoulder.

“I said, Whoa.”

The bubble glows, turning red. It begins to back up. Beep...beep...beep...

“Hey...Hey!” Tinkletoes yells.

The bubble stops.

Tinkletoes looks at Carp and Black Buck, standing tall and muscular with a floating bubble half engulfing one forearm.

“I think that the bubble disagrees.” Black Buck says.

“I didn't ask the damn thing what it wanted.” He responds glaring at the bubble. Tinkletoes looks at Carp. “You...get over here.”

Carp makes his way to Tinkletoes.

“Get in.” Tinkletoes says.

The bubble begins floating back and forth.

Carp reaches up to steady the bubble. A sheet of bright light travels along the outside of the bubble illuminating and electrifying its surface. “Ouch.” Carp says removing his hands.

The light disappears. The bubble adjusts its position inching closer and closer to Tinkletoes. There is a loud sucking sound. The self-proclaimed mercenary is surrounded.

“I have never seen that before.” Black Buck says.

Where There Are Bubbles...

Getting no response Monitor Man continues, “Monitor Man, it's so wonderful to see you! Pie?” He asks, mimicking Writer Lady. He looks down at an imaginary pie that he is holding. “That looks amazing. I don't mind if I do.” He says. He lowers his head to eat only to have it redirected by Writer Lady as she gives him privy to her view.

“What the...” He says as a pair of giant bubbles zooms by their heads. “What are those things?”

“Bubbles.” Writer Lady says. “Flying bubbles.”

“Something is inside.”

“I think that it might be...” Writer Lady pauses as they watch the bubbles that had just flown past their heads lower to the ground. “...some form of transportation.”

“In this mess?” Monitor Man asks.

“Yes.”

Monitor Man studies Writer Lady looking for more information.

“Haven't you noticed that the rain is not as heavy now?” Writer Lady points skyward. “The vegetation is so thick that we aren't getting drenched like we were when we were out in the open?”

Something disturbs the tree tops behind them. Monitor Man pushes Writer Lady to the ground seconds before bubbles shoot past where their heads used to be.

Writer Lady looks up nearly butting heads with Monitor Man, “See? The bubbles are flying low. They're protected by the trees.”

“If they are a method of transportation...are you thinking what I'm thinking?” Monitor Man asks, standing up.

Writer Lady nods. “We need to find out if they really are a method of transportation and if anyone can use them.”

“If they are then we can get out of here.” He says, offering Writer Lady a hand as she rises from the jungle floor.

Writer Lady looks at Monitor Man and smiles. “Or...” She says raising an eyebrow.

Monitor Man picks up her thought and raises a brow in return. “We can circle back around and turn the tables on our pursuers.”

“This is going to be so much fun.” Carp says.

“What?” Tinkletoes asks.

“Catching a bubble. We can search a lot more quickly with one of those things.”

Tinkletoes thinks for a bit and smiles. “I have to say I like the idea of watching you try to catch one of those things.”

“I am a retired writer. I have an imagination. I am open to other possibilities. I've got this.” Carp says. “It will be more fun watching you try to catch one. Big, thundering, no imagination. Those bubbles are never going to open up to you my friend.”

“That isn't part of the plan.” Tinkletoes says. “My plan is...”

“You aren't coming?” Carp asks.

“My plan is...”

“It won't be the same.”

Tinkletoes glares at Carp. “The plan is: you search by air. I'm staying on the ground. That's where the real searching gets done.”

“She's not in the bonus room.” Paige says, entering the living room.

“Not in the kitchen.” Peter calls, returning with Dylan following close behind.

“She's not in High Command.” Ray says, sniffing at a brightly colored cat toy he returns from High Command with.

“What are you sniffing at?” Paige asks.

“Catnip.” Ray says. He leans in close and inhales deeply. “Good stuff.” He sniffs again. “Not domestic.”

Diomedes looks at Ray, “Imported?” He asks.

“Duuude...somewhere good too. Madagascar? No way man. That can't be right.” Ray sniffs again.

“Why are you sniffing catnip?” Dylan asks thoughtfully.

“I'm the cat.” Ray says, looking down at the tow headed boy.

“Well, Mr. Cat, did Writer Lady leave a note?” Paige asks.

Ray continues sniffing. “What?”

“You were in High Command? With the desk? Paper? Pens? A dry erase board? Did she leave a note saying where she went?”

Ray turns around looking in the direction of High Command, he turns back facing the others. “Um...no?”

Paige looks down studying the clipboard that she's holding. “What is the status of the bedroom?” She asks without looking up.

“All clear.” Mural Man calls, entering the room, and stopping next to House.

“We've checked the kitchen, the bonus room, the laundry room, Writer Lady's bedroom and High Command. That leaves...the bathroom. Who wants to look in there?” Paige asks, looking up and searching the room for a volunteer. “Anyone?”

There is silence.

“Ray?”

Ray takes a step back.

“What's wrong? You're the cat. Writer Lady loves cats. Doesn't she love you?”

“Du—ude yeah. But not in the bathroom. You should never go into the bathroom when a female is doing her...thing.”

“Diomedes?” She asks.

The dragon answers almost immediately, “I do not invade ladies' commodes.”

“The bathroom was the room we found you in.”

“I did not know that it was a lady's commode.” Diomedes counters. “If I had I never would have entered.”

Everyone looks at Dylan who takes a step back stopping next to his big brother.

“Don't tell me that you're scared of that woman.” House says.

“And you're not?” Ray asks. “Dude.”

“The bathroom is part of me, as I am part of it.”

“Then you check.” Paige says.

“No. I don't care where she is. The longer she's gone the easier my life is. When she's gone I can do things with this place.” House says wistfully.

“Aunt Purdy says that doing things behind someone's back is bad.”

“So.” House says.

“I agree.” Paige announces.

“I don't. I don't care what you think either. Who put little Miss Overachiever here in charge?” House asks.

A strange noise is heard coming from the bathroom. Everyone turns to look at the bathroom door.

“What was that?” Peter asks.

The noise grows louder.

“Dude...that bathroom is haunted man.”

The noise repeats louder accompanied by the sound of glass breaking.

“It sounds like someone is going to have to go in there.” Paige says, looking at the group.

More glass breaks as the floor shakes beneath them. House cries out in pain.

“That's it.” Mural Man says. “I'm going in.”

“No way man. You'll get wet and dissolve.”

Ray looks at the cat toy he is holding, he takes one last inhalation. “It's okay man. I've got this.” Ray places the toy on an end table and makes his way into the hall stopping at the bathroom door. The door opens, a bright light radiates through the hallway and into the living room. “Duuude....”

Faerie Lands and Good Friends

Carp reaches out and touches the antelope's offered hoof.  Hey it's a hoof.  The closest you can get to a hand shake is a fist bump.  You think that I make this stuff up as I go along?  So, Carp reaches out and touches the antelope's offered hoof.  “Carp.”  He says introducing himself.

“The writer with the bows and arrows.”

“With terrible aim.”  Tinkletoes says, bumping his fist against Black Buck's hoof. “Tinkletoes.”  He says introducing himself.

“The Great Ninja-Zombie Slayer.”

“And the next President of the United States.”   The self-proclaimed mercenary adds.

“Yes of course.”  Black Buck agrees.

“How is your campaign going sir?”

“Well...um..things have been better.   My VP disappeared on me.”

“Monitor Man?  That's not good.”

Carp watches Tinkletoes and Black Buck as they talk.   “How did you know about us?”   Carp asks looking at the antelope.

Black shifts his gaze to Carp and smiles.  “TP visits quite frequently to share the details of his adventures among all of the silly humans.  He is popular here.   So popular that the other faeries refer to his stories as 'The Silly Human Chronicles.'  You should have seen the group of listeners during his last visit.”

“TP's always with us.”  Tinkletoes says.

“Remember, time moves differently here.  TP can come and stay for many hours but in your world only a snippet of time has passed.”

Tinkletoes nods.

“All of the stories that I've read describe it as working in the opposite manner.” Carp says.

“It is actually quite different.  Did you know that faeries can work together to not only control time but things like details of their geographical setting and the weather?”

“The weather?”

“We all have our favorite settings...our optimal climates for survival.   They just decide what they want and run with it.”

“Like one minute we are in a sunny, meadow and the next we could be in...”

“A desert.”   Black Buck says, finishing Carp's thought.

“That doesn't sound like a good idea.”

“Not for us Earth creatures it isn't.”  The antelope continues.  “One time I was visiting, it was a sunny day.  A climate much like this one.  Two faeries showed up.  They each wanted a different climate and could not agree on one.  One of them wanted a tropical climate, the other an icy tundra.”

Carp takes out a pad and pen.   He starts scribbling.

Black continues, “They threw spells around for hours until two spells converged and hit the atmosphere as one.  I found myself in an Amazonian rain forest during a hurricane.   The two faeries got out their raincoats, hats, and galoshes. The played in the storm for what seemed like an eternity.  I nearly drowned.”

“What happened when the faeries got tired of playing in the rain?”  Carp asks.

“They left.”

“What happened to the rain forest?”

“Once an environment is changed by magic it remains until another faerie or magical being comes along and changes it.   So I waited for the next transport and left.”

“Transport?”  The assassin-in-training asks.

Black Buck looks between the pair of interested faces and smiles.  “Yes.   The transports are being size bubbles that float.”

“How much?”   Tinkletoes asks.

“This is Faerie.  Money doesn't exist here.  They are free for anyone to use.  You two would have to catch yours first, place the palm of your hand on to the bubble and hold it there until your heat signature is absorbed and added to the data base.”

“Heat signatures aren't unique.”  Tinkletoes points out.

Black Buck looks at Carp and asks, “Has he been listening?”

“Everything is a little bit different in Faerie.”  Carp repeats.

Tinkletoes nods.  “Then what?”

“The bubbles are permeable.  After the bubble has accepted you then you step inside.”

“No thanks.  I'll walk.”

“You don't have ride inside.”  Black Buck offers.  “You could just hop on.”

“Hop on?”   Tinkletoes asks, jaw clenching.

“Sit on top.”   The antelope explains.

Carp shakes his head,  “Tinkletoes doesn't ride around inside giant bubbles or on top of them.”

“Real Men Don't.”   Tinkletoes announces.

Black Buck looks at Carp and finishes sharing the details.   “Transports come through based on the number of souls counted.  They come through this meadow twice a day.  Remember, they never use the same route.”

“How do these transports know where to go?”  Carp asks, pen poised and ready for more.

“They can hear lost souls calling out to them.”

“Help!”

Tinkletoes turns his head listening for the calls origin.   “What the...”

“HELP!”

The group looks to the west and finds a family of platypuses calling out and waving. “HELP!”

“See.”  Black Buck says, nodding towards the horizon.

Four bubbles, one for each puss, comes floating over meadow grasses and stops. The group watches as each platypus takes their place in or on his or her personal bubble.

“Look Mom.  I'm riding on top.”  A smaller platypus calls out.

“Not today.  Your father is in a hurry.  Get inside.”

“Mo-om.”

“Don't argue with your mother.”  The largest platypus calls out.

“O-kay.”   The young platypus slides down the outside of his bubble and climbs inside.

The largest platypus calls out, “Pixie River.  Step on it!”

The bubbles take off, whizzing over the men's heads and the antelope's horns as they pass.

“Did you find anything?”  Monitor Man asks, stopping behind Writer Lady.

“Shhh.”

“Have you noticed how much you have been shushing me lately?”  He asks.

“Shhh.”

“No.  I didn't think so.  Do you remember that time that I came to visit and you hung my every word, laughed, smiled, and offered me pie?  I miss those days.”

“You also left, shacked up with Incredibly Hot Woman, then returned only to drag me into a war with Ninja-Zombies since then.”

“It was a slight disagreement.”

Writer Lady turns and looks at Monitor Man.

“An inter-dimensional incident?”

She doesn't falter.

“You didn't have to come and get me out.”

“Leave you and forever be known as the woman that let Monitor Man become a zombie?”

“A Ninja-Zombie.”

“The end result would have been...”  Writer Lady rolls her eyes upward, holds out both arms, and starts groaning.  “No.  I would have been killed by your adoring fans within the week.”   She lowers her voice.  “Besides, you're too cute for that.  It would have been such a waste.”

“I'm cute?   Am I sexy too?”  Monitor Man asks.

“Shhh!”

“And we're back to square one.”

Exploring A New Dimension Without A Guidebook

 

“Maybe if I walk backwards.”   Carp says turning around to face the road already traveled.

“What are you doing?”  Tinkletoes asks.

“The cat and the lioness came from behind.  What if there's more and it's on its way?”

“Okay.”  Tinkletoes says continuing his hike.   The self-proclaimed mercenary sees something ahead, processes what he sees and smiles.   “The interesting stuff is in front of you.”

Carp turns around, there is a sharp intake of breath.  The assassin in training stops and stares.  “It's an antelope, blocking the road.”  Carp says looking at Tinkletoes.   “And he's meditating.”

Spots Wash watches the space recently abandoned by their target's unknown ally.   The sound of their footsteps grow fainter and disappear into the darkened trees.

“Should we split up?”   He asks.

“No.”  Smudge Mal says. “We follow Monitor Man.”

“What about the other guy?”

“We stick to the mission.”

“What if the other guy comes along and saves Monitor Man?”

“He can't.”

“What if he can?”

“He won't.”

“What if...?”

“We are Browncoats.”  Smudge Mal says looking at his brother.  “We took the job.  We finish the job.  That's it.”

Spots Wash walks around Smudge Mal in a circle, thumping his tail behind him as he walks.

“I'm older and what I say goes.”   Smudge Mal says.  “So don't challenge me on this.   You won't win.”

“If we don't do something about the other one you won't win either.”

“Don't worry lil' brother.  I have already made adjustments to the plan.  I have already made adjustments.”

“Psst.  Psst.  Psst!”   Writer Lady whispers from a few feet behind Monitor Man.

“What?”   Monitor Man whispers.

“Do you see anything?”

“No.  I don't think that it worked.  What are you doing back?  You've only been gone for a few minutes.”

Writer Lady continues closing the distance between them.   “You said, 'Walk over there.' ”   She says gesturing with a nod of her head.

“Was I a little bit short with the instructions?”  Monitor Man asks.

“Ye-ah.”

Monitor Man attempts to explain his instructions.

“Shhh...”

Monitor Man looks at Writer Lady.

“I heard something.”

“You heard something?”

“Didn't you?”  She asks.

He listens more closely then shakes his head.   “I hear nothing.”

“You can't hear that?”

He shakes his head.

Writer Lady looks at Monitor Man, “When you get back home you might want to get your ears checked.”  Writer Lady turns her head and listens again.  “It's getting closer.”  She whispers and slips off towards the phantom sound.

“I'm getting a dog whistle.  How about that for a hearing test?”

Writer Lady turns around, “What? Why?”

“It's a gift?   My friend just bought his first dog.”  He answers weakly.

“Oh.  Why are you thinking about that now?”   She asks with a puzzled look.

“I don't know.”  Monitor Man says.   “It just popped in there.”  He elaborates gesturing to his head.

Writer Lady looks at him for minute and continues her pursuit.

“I'm getting a dog whistle and she might want to get her head examined.”

“I heard that!”

“You have a useful, yet dangerous talent.”  Monitor Man says quietly as he watches Writer Lady make her way deeper into the jungle.

“Hi.” Carp says as he stops in front of the antelope.

“Shhhh...”

“What are you doing?”  Carp asks the antelope who is sitting cross legged in the middle of the road.

“Relaxing.”  The antelope says without opening its eyes, “I find that traveling these roads keeps me on edge.”

Carp looks at Tinkletoes.  Tinkletoes looks at the antelope.  “Why?” He asks. “Is it dangerous?  It doesn't look dangerous.”

The antelope opens one eye and studies Tinkletoes for a moment.   “No.”  He says.  “I find them to be very...busy.”

Both men look at the empty road, the open meadow, all of the wildflowers.

“Where?”  Tinkletoes asks.

“Just wait.”  The antelope says.   “You'll see.”

After several awkward moments Tinkletoes takes over.

“So, you been here long?”   Tinkletoes asks.

The antelope opens one eye, then both.  “I just arrived, although I have lived here forever.”

Tinkletoes leans in and whispers to Carp without taking his eyes off of the antelope,  “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“I think it means that we are in another dimension.”

“This is Faerie.   Time does not exist here the way that it does in our world.”   The antelope looks at Tinkletoes and Carp with amusement.  “Don't tell me that you traveled to another dimension without knowing the most basic details.”   He smiles.  “That would be like going from a city to a tiny jungle village without knowing that the occupants are cannibals.   Neither of you know about Faerie? Isn't this going to be interesting.”  The antelope rises from his seated position to stand on his hind legs.  “And to think...I almost decided to stay in today.”   He leans in closer, gently sniffing at the two newcomers.  “Visitors to On-Ramp. From America.  The central region?  No.  I know that smell.”   He sniffs again. “The Midwest.”   The antelope announces looking at the two men expectantly.

Tinkletoes looks at Carp.   Carp looks at the antelope and nods.

“My name is Buck.  Black Buck.  It's nice to meet you.”   He says offering a hoof.

The On-Ramp To Faerie

“Where's Writer Lady?”   Tinkletoes asks.

“You're not going?”  Dylan asks looking up at Tinkletoes.

“Now way man.”  Ray says.

“This is so typical.”  House groans.

“They're her cats.”  Tinkletoes says.

“Dobby's your friend.”  House points out.

“I'm going.”   Tinkletoes says.  “She should be there.”

“I think we should go.”  Carp says.

Tinkletoes looks at Carp.   “You just want to go so you can see stuff.”

“It is Faerie.”   Carp says.  “We have survival skills.”

“I have survival skills.”  Tinkletoes counters.   “You have camping skills.”

“Whatever.  Let's go.”

“And Writer Lady?”

“Everyone else can look for her while we're gone.”  Carp says looking around the room.  There are nods of agreement.

“I'm the cat.”  Ray says grinning.  “Dudes...she likes cats.”

Carp makes a confused face and thinks about making an effort to catch the train of thought as it travels through Ray's head.

“No.”   Tinkletoes says to Carp.  “Don't get on the Ray train, you'll blow a gasket.”

“Good point.”  Carp agrees.

The self-proclaimed mercenary turns his attention to House.  “Tell us more about this on ramp of yours.”

“What do you want to know?”

“This isn't Twenty Questions.”  Tinkletoes glares at House, then at Carp.   “Get the intell.”

“Let's start with the basics.  How do we get there?”   Carp asks.

“Really?   How do you think you get there, Mo-ron.”

“House, darling, not everyone knows how Faerie works.” Mural Man says. “Even if they do know about Faerie your story has not been added to Lore.”

“Fine.”   She sighs.  “TP made me a gatekeeper to the on-ramp he created.”

“So?”  Tinkletoes says.

“I can get you to the on ramp in whatever way I choose.  You can walk through the pantry, flush yourself down the toilet...”

“Or simply walk through a door that you enchanted...”  Carp suggests.

“Let's go.”   Tinkletoes says.

“I'll go get my gear and we'll be on our way.”

“I'm already packed.”   Tinkletoes says reaching for the front door knob.

“We need a tent, rations, a change of clothes...”

“No we don't.   Let's go.”

“We don't know how long we'll be gone.”

“Not long.”

Carp looks at Tinkletoes.

“We're picking up cats and finding Monitor Man.  It's easy.  Hike down the on-ramp, herd em' up, and move em' out.”

“You do realize that you are talking about herding cats.”   Carp points out.

“Go get your stuff.”   Tinkletoes says.  “We leave in five minutes.”

Spots follows Smudge into the darkened canopy of trees.   Both kittens are on full alert, eyes wide, ears perked, noses sniffing.  They stop a few feet inside to listen and get their bearings.  Smudge hears the rustling first.  Spots hears the second rustle and catches a glimpse of the lower edge of a shoe.

“Smudge.  Over here!”

“What?” Smudge Mal whispers.

“I saw him.”  Spots Wash responds.

“No you didn't.”

“Yes I did.”

“You couldn't have seen him.”

“Why not?”

“I'm lookin' at him.”

Spots makes his way through the mud to where his brother is crouched.

“Look closely.  You can just make out the target on Monitor Man's chest.”

“I saw a shoe.”  Spots says.

“What kind of a shoe?”

“I don't know.  A shoe.”  Spots Wash offers.

Smudge Mal looks at Spots Wash.  “What kind?”

There is more rustling coming from Monitor Man's direction, the two kittens watch as he moves further into the jungle.  Both get a good look at his feet.

“Monitor Man is wearing boots.”

“I didn't see boots before.”  Spots Wash says.

“This hunt just got more interesting lil brother.  Our target has a friend.”

Five minutes later, as promised, Tinkletoes stands in the middle of the bonus room, “What now?”  He asks.

“Stand in front of the window.”   House answers impatiently.

“Which window?”  Carp asks, he's wearing his fatigues and is loaded down with gear.

“The one to your left.”  Mural Man answers.

Carp turns right and faces the window.

“Your other left.”  House says.

Carp turns to face the window that Tinkletoes is already facing.

“Hurry up.”   Tinkletoes says.

“Remember.”   House says, slowly.  “I am opening the door not only to another place but another dimension.   If you wouldn't mind showing some patience.”

“I have patience.   This is a rescue mission.  Everything should already be in order.”   Tinkletoes points out.

“Look GI Joe, I'm in charge here.   Get over yourself.”

Tinkletoes' jaw clenches, an eyebrow goes up, and he starts the looking around the room for her mural.

Carp looks at Mural Man, “We'll be sure to do that.”  He says.  Facing the window, waiting, and muttering, “Come on.  Open.  Please.”

The floor moves in one sharp jolt.   Beginning at the lower left, a narrow stream of light is seen moving between the edge of the wall and the frame of the window. The stream of light outlines a large bridge.

“What's that sound?”   Carp asks.

“A zipper.  Opening the door is like opening a zipper for her.”  Tinkletoes says. He mutters, “Vain, self-important...”  The self-proclaimed mercenary looks for another word, not finding one he looks around the room and says, “woman.”

Stopping at the far end of the opening, the bridge lowers to the ground outside. Both men exit avoiding the window because windows cost money and Tinkletoes isn't paying for that.   Writer Lady's backyard disappears and as they take their first steps onto the on-ramp a meadow appears before them, thick with tall green grasses and wildflowers.

Carp thinks of something, he turns around, looks into the house, and calls, “How do we get back...home?”

“How you think you get back inside a building Doofus?  Knock on the door.” House answers with an exasperated sigh.

Tinkletoes shakes his head and keeps moving.  He looks around, paying close attention to the sky as well as the ground.   “Nothing unusual yet.  It's about noon.” He points out looking up at the sky.   Looking at Carp, he says, “We have plenty of time.”

Carp follows closely.  A quarter mile into the meadow both men hear what sounds like chains turning a drawbridge going up.

“Sound effects.”  Tinkletoes says.  “It's too late to fool us.  Women.”

Carp looks at Tinkletoes.

“What?” 

“That's it?”  Carp asks.   “We're already in Faerie?”

Tinkletoes shrugs.

“The door blends in.  How are we going to know where to knock?”

A sign slowly appears that reads: HOUSE.

“Oh.”  Carp says.

Both men turn away from the door and continue forward.

“Not bad.  Not bad at all.”  Tinkletoes says.

Carp sighs.

“The grassy meadow isn't enough?”

“I was hoping to see an elf.  Maybe an ogre.”

“No dragons?”  Tinkletoes asks grinning.

“The two dragons that we know are enough. Thank you.”

“I'm looking for two things.” Tinkletoes announces. “Monitor Man and the cats.”

The meadow leads onto a worn path that becomes a lane and eventually a dirt road.

“It's so empty.”  Carp points out.

“This is the part of Faerie that is accessed through House.”  Tinkletoes says, looking at Carp.   “Not much traffic.”

“Why did TP put it here?'”

“No telling.  It's TP.  Watch out for grenades and traps.  Cause...TP.”

“Do you think that he might have set a trap for Monitor Man?”

“TP?”  Tinkletoes thinks for a minute, "if he did there's more to it than that.”

A cat passes the two men.   No, not one of the ones that they are looking for.  The cat proceeds up the road at a quickened pace.

“There ya go.”  Tinkletoes says.  “You saw something.”

“Something I don't see every day.”  Carp says.

The cat calls behind it, “Mom. Mom!”

Tinkletoes and Carp hear the response come from behind them.

“Coming dear.”

A lioness passes them calling to her charge.  “I'm coming.  You know it's not nice to run away from Mommy like that.”

“Sorry Mom.” The cat says.

“A domestic cat and a wild cat having a mother and son talk. There's something you don't see everyday.” Tinkletoes says grinning.

Carp stands open-mouthed not uttering a sound.

Tinkletoes looks around.  “This is shaping up to be a beautiful day.”  He says and continues walking.