Unicorns and Rainbows

Carp and Black Buck Antelope look up. Monitor Man and the two kittens sit quietly on two separate branches of a large tree.

“Who’s we?” Carp asks.

“Writer Lady, Tinkletoes, both these kittens, and me.” Monitor Man says. “Everyone is ready to go.”

Carp hears a snort and a sound that reminds him of a hoof pawing the ground.

“What was that?” Monitor Man asks.

“You could hear that? From up there?” Carp asks.

“Yeah. There’s some kind of weird echo.”

There is the sound of more pawing and Carp hears a snort and feels a rush of air against the back of his neck. Both unicorns appear simultaneously. One is standing behind Carp’s left shoulder and the other his right.  He slowly moves out of stabbing distance

“Unicorns!” Smudge Mal calls.

“Cool!” Spots Wash exclaims.

Monitor Man whistles for a bubble. One swoops across the meadow and into the entrance of the rainforest. It stops next to Monitor Man’s branch. He steps on to the top of the bubble and sits down with his legs crossed in front of him. He says, “Down to the next branch please.” The bubble lowers itself to the branch the kittens are sitting on. Both kittens climb on to Monitor Man’s lap. Smudge Mal yawns and begins kneading a thigh. “Down to the road please.” The actor instructs. He looks at Smudge Mal. “Don’t get too comfortable. We aren’t going far.”

The kitten yawns again. “Okay.” He stops kneading.

The bubble lowers itself to the ground, setting down well away from the unicorns and their horns. Both kittens immediately jump from the bubble and run over to the magical creatures. One sniffing at a hoof while the other one chases a tail.

“Careful!” Carp calls. “The silver one is...” He says just as the silver unicorn lowers his head to sniff at Smudge Mal. The creature blows at the kitten with curiosity.

Smudge Mal takes a step back. “Could you watch it with the boogers?” the kitten asks as he scratches at his head. The top of Smudge Mal’s head glows with bits of unicorn stuff. “Spots?” Smudge Mal calls.

“Yeah?” Spots Wash responds between reaches. He misses by a hair (sorry...not sorry), then catches a bit of the white unicorn’s tail only to have it slide through his claws seconds later. The unicorn patiently swats at the kitten’s head as she would a fly.

“A little help here.” Smudge Mal calls.

Spots Wash abandons his game and runs to his older brother. “You have unicorn boogies all over your head.”

Smudge Mal glares at Spots Wash. “Clean me up.”

“No way man.” Spots Wash says. “You’re on your own with this one.”

Smudge Mal scratches at his head a couple of more times. Abandoning the scratching, the kitten moves to a tree and attempts to rub it off. The colorful glowing spreads, permeating his fur completely.

“That’s not helping.” Monitor Man points out.

Smudge Mal, Badass Browncoat Kitty, is now a walking rainbow. His unique brown smudge glows a bright, vibrating pink.

“Is everyone ready to go?” The group hears Writer Lady’s question well before they see her. As she, Tinkletoes, Dobby, and TP get closer to the group her smile grows smaller eventually disappearing completely.

“Smudgie?” She asks, staring at Smudge Mal.

Both unicorns turn to face her. She stops walking and holds an arm out to each side, stopping Tinkletoes and Dobby from continuing further.

“You were saying...” Tinkletoes prompts.

Writer Lady glares at Tinkletoes and takes the lead.

Tinkletoes looks at Dobby. “Everything is always my fault. It doesn’t matter who really did it. It’s always my fault.”

Writer Lady calms herself as much as she can before she stops to greet the unicorns, she places herself between them. Writer Lady is worried about Smudge Mal. But...unicorns. How often does someone get to meet a unicorn, much less two of them.

“Care...” Carp says as Writer Lady reaches out to one of them. The white unicorn sniffs at her closed hand and nickers her consent to a nose rub. The silver one nudges the back of her arm with his head indicating his need for a nose rub as well. “...ful.”

“Okay, okay...just a second.” She says.

“There’s a softness to her tone.” Monitor Man observes.

“It’s a little bit scary.” Carp says.

“We are in the eye of the hurricane men. Prepare to take cover.” Tinkletoes says as he, Dobby, and TP approach. “When the storm picks back up, it’s going down.”

Writer Lady looks at Monitor Man. She stops petting the unicorns and crosses the road to speak with him.

“Monitor Man, do you ever do any stunts?” Tinkletoes calls out.

“Yes.” He answers without taking his eyes off of Writer Lady. “I’ve had a little bit of training.”

“You might want to use some of that trainin’ now.”

Writer Lady is a little bit over a foot away when Tinkletoes calls. “I hope you’re wearing a cup.” The self-proclaimed mercenary waits to see the pretty boy receive his first real blow.

“Hello.” Writer Lady says.

“Hello.” Monitor Man responds.

“Do you know what happened to my kitten?” She asks.

“Yes. He was getting to know the silver unicorn and it sneezed on him.”

“He’s glowing because of unicorn...”

“stuff.” Monitor Man says, finishing Writer Lady’s sentence. “Smudge Mal tried to scratch it off and that didn’t work. He asked Spots to lick it off for him and Spots said, “No.” He tried to remove it by rubbing against a tree trunk and that just spread it even more.”

“That’s why my cat looks like a rainbow?” She asks.

“That’s why your cat looks like a rainbow.” 

"She's not yelling at him, why is she not yelling at him?"  Tinkletoes mutters and stares in disbelief.

TP giggles and begins to leave.

Tinkletoes puts a hand up to stop the faerie. “Where are you going?”

“To find a chicken.” TP says.

“A chicken?”
“TP brings a chicken for the unicorn to sneeze on. The chicken rolls in the dirt, becomes rainbow colored, lays eggs, we cook the eggs, and then..." the faeirie grins stretching out the suspense, " we taste the rainbow.” He says giggling.

Communicating Openly (Well...Sort Of)

“Are you sure about that?” Monitor Man asks. “Doesn’t she work?”

Both kittens look at Monitor Man with blank expressions.

“Does she dress up and go out all day long?”

“She puts on clothes that she doesn’t want us to sit on her lap too much when she’s wearing them.” Smudge Mal says.

“She puts stringy, brown things on her legs then yells at us when we chase them.” Spots Wash shares.

“She makes a serious face when she leaves and the serious face is gone when she comes home.” Smudge Mal says.

“That sounds like going to work.” Monitor Man says. “That’s how humans pay their light bill.”

“How does spending all day away from home pay the light bill?” Spots Wash asks.

“Humans go to a place every day and do something that is previously agreed upon. In return, they get money. Humans use the money to pay the light bill, buy food, cat litter.” Monitor Man explains.

“Toy mice?” Spots Wash asks. “Is that how she gets toy mice?”

“Yes. That’s how she gets toy mice too.”

“Do you work?” Spots Wash asks.

“Yes.”

“What do you do for money?” Smudge Mal asks.

“I’m an actor.” Monitor Man announces with a smile.

The kittens look at Monitor Man and wait for more information.

“I...I...um...” He looks at the kittens. “Have you ever seen Dylan and the kids play ‘Pretend’?”

“Yes.” Smudge Mal answers.

“That’s what I do. I play pretend.” Monitor Man says.

The kittens look and at each other and then back at Monitor Man.

“Is that all?”

“They give you money for that?”

“It’s a bit more complicated than a simple game of ‘Pretend’. There are cameras, you have to wear specific clothes, your hair has to be fixed in a certain way, there’s make-up...” Monitor Man says.“...you have specific things to say, there are facial expressions that you have to use...”

“You wear make-up?” Smudge Mal asks.

“Yes.” Monitor Man answers.

“Make-up is for girls.” Spots Wash announces. “Girls and candy asses.”

Smudge Mal and Monitor Man both look at Spots Wash.

“That’s what Tinkletoes says.”

“That’s not what I said.” Tinkletoes says. “What I said was that I wished I had left the barbed wire up until Pretty Boy had gotten stuck in it.”

“I asked you if catching pretty boys was better than Ninja Zombie slaying.” Dobby says.

“I said that there ain’t nothin’ better than a pretty boy that’s been tied up and gagged. I pointed to Monitor Man and said that it would be like a dream come true to see him out of the way.”

Writer Lady’s face changes slowly. The self-proclaimed mercenary and future U.S. President (or so he thinks) watches helplessly as the anger transfers from the ginger tabby to him.

“Don’t look at me.” Tinkletoes says. “I didn’t do anything.”

Writer Lady glares at Tinkletoes.

“I didn’t do this.”

“Who did?” She asks.

“Those guys.” Tinkletoes says gesturing to Dobby and someplace outside.

“Where did they get the idea? Think about it...really hard. Could it be that all of your talk about pretty boys getting stuck in barb wire fences had something to do with this?”

Tinkletoes’ expression changes from one of concentration to realization to one of horror and finally, denial. “No. It wasn’t me.” He looks at Dobby. “Dobby, did I say, “Take Monitor Man to Faerie and play target practice with him?”

Dobby shakes his head.

“There. I didn’t do anything.” Tinkletoes says. He points to the ginger tabby, looks at Writer Lady, and says, “Get him.”

“The kittens were the ones chasing him.” Dobby argues.

Writer Lady groans with exasperation and hides her head in her hands. After several moments she raises her head and says, “They’re babies,they don’t know any better.”

“Whose fault is that?” TP's voice echoes through the hut. The sound of his giggling follows.

Writer Lady makes another sound of frustration, rises from her seat, and stops at the hut’s one and only window. It is raining. Water drips from tree leaves making intricate trails. Down, over, down, along the back of one of the larger leaves, and down again. It reminds her of a Rube Goldberg machine.

“This has gone on too long.” She says. “It’s time to go home.”

Carp and Black Buck continue walking in companionable silence.

“Unicorns.” Carp says. “According to my research, unicorns help others through obstacles that are greater than their fears.” He looks at Black Buck. “Have you been a visitor to Faerie for very long?”

The antelope smiles, “I have been traveling back and forth most of my life. I wandered through an entry by accident when I was a calf.”

“How many unicorns have you encountered?”

“A dozen or so. But I have never seen them help any living creature through an obstacle greater than their own fear.”

“When have you seen them?” Carp asks.

“Let me see...the unicorns here do appear when someone is sick.” Black Buck looks at Carp. “You don’t appear sick. Have you been bitten by anything since arriving? A Contaminavit Cimex perhaps?”

Carp shrugs.

Black Buck leans in and sniffs at Carp. “No. If you had been bit you would smell of gangrene.”

The two continue walking.

“I do believe that they have also been known to help weary travelers find their way home. Are you ready to go?”

Carp stops walking and looks at his surroundings—the meadows to the left and right, the flying bubbles carrying creatures that the retired romance writer only dreamed of seeing to magical places unknown, the road ahead...the pair continue walking as the sun disappears, obscured by a canopy of leaves. A coyote calls from behind. A lion’s roar can be heard in the distance ahead. “It would be useful to know where the road that leads home is.” Carp admits. “No. I’m not ready to go. Not by a long shot.”

“That’s too bad. We are.” A voice calls from above Carp and Black Buck’s heads.