Not Another Christmas Romance PT 1

*For my cousin Jennifer and everyone else who loves a cheesy Christmas romance.  


It's hard to believe that my life started seven years ago. Seven years ago, when everything that I knew and loved about it left town. In order to tell you how I got here, we have to go back there. To 2009. This should be quick and relatively painless. If you aren't me at least. 

2009--

The clock turned six a.m. and the music started. “I'll Be Home For Christmas” by The Carpenters. I reached out for...I'm not going to say his name because on this day he had only been gone for six weeks. My voice would still catch if I said his name. He was “My Ex” for the first three months. Six months on birthdays, anniversaries, and other days that we had considered important as a couple.

“I wonder what would happen if I left a note at the radio station asking them to only play this song between the hours of 8 am and 6 pm.”

“They would think that it was a joke and probably play it anytime except between 8 am and 6 pm.”

I glared at my brother as he stood in my bedroom doorway.

“Hey, it's a small town. They have to find their entertainment some place.”

“What are you doing here Ben? How did you get in?”

Ben threw the spare key at me that I keep at my parent's place.

“Dad sent me. We are to pack up the dipshit's...shit.”

“Don't call him that.”

“He didn't know what he had and he broke my sister's heart. He's a dipshit.” Ben held up a box. “What room should I start in?”

“None of them.”

“Carrie...you don't think that he might come back, do you?”
“It's Christmas. People see the errors of their ways and do wonderful things at Christmas. Besides it's only been six weeks.”

“He isn't coming back.”

“You never know. Zelda read my tea leaves and she said...”

Ben shook his head, “He isn't coming back.”

“I know that tea leaves are silly and something that should only be read for fun.” A newspaper landed on the bed in front of me.

“He isn't coming back.”

I looked down at the newspaper. A wedding announcement taking up a whole quarter of a page verified what my brother was saying. The dipshit was smiling at me plain as day cuddling his new wife.

“How long does it take to plan a wedding?” Ben asked.

“A quick one that's still nice? At least six weeks. He walked out of my house and proposed to her.”

“Probably the same day.” Ben said. “So. Which room should I start in?”

“Start in here, with the random clothes he left behind.” I answered as I got out of bed. “I'll make you some breakfast.”

“I already ate Sis.”

“Just coffee?”

Ben nodded.

“Coffee will help me think. I have to figure out what to do with the stuff once it's been packed.”

“It's okay. I've got it covered.”

My eyes teared up and my voice cracked a little. “Thanks Ben.”

“It's no problem Carebear. I'll just drop it off to his Mom on the way home. She works at the homeless shelter.”

I was on my way out of the room when I heard Ben whisper.
 “This box can sit next to the other donations.” 

The 2010 incident came and went a lot more quietly. The alarm went off, the song played, I threw a pillow at it, cried in my other pillow for the rest of the song, ate cookies for breakfast, took a shower, and moved on with my day.

When 2011 came I was over What's His Name. The song played. I listened quietly and lingered in bed as a new day began. I marveled at my lack of sadness upon hearing the tune, my growth, my inner strength. I remember smiling. The words “It's a sign” crossed my lips. I basked in my new found contentment.

In 2012, I woke to “I'll Be Home For Christmas,” knowing that nothing had changed and any signs from last year had been meant for someone else. It was all a huge load of crap and I was not listening to the damn song next year. I would definitely be writing that letter to the radio station.

In 2013 the radio station played “I'll Be Home For Christmas,” by the Carpenters. All The Time. If they had three minutes and fifty seconds that they did not know what to do with they played the song. I sent the letter and just as Ben predicted, they took my request and ran with it. Assholes. I was not listening to that damn song again. Next year...I would be ready.

I was. 2014 dawned sunny and bright, one December morning they played the song. I took aim. Unfortunately I don't know much about firearms. I stopped the music when I took out the alarm clock. I also took out the wall behind it. I was thrown back against my headboard which hit the wall behind it too hard. The headboard became one with the drywall. I bruised my shoulder pretty good too. Never ask a little old lady if you can borrow a firearm. Little old ladies tend to carry more firepower than they will ever need.

“Mom wonders why men don't ask you out.” Ben said as he grinned from the doorway to my bedroom.

Word got around about the incident. How could it not? “I'll Be Home For Christmas” was not played again in 2014.

The first time I heard it in 2015 the day had dawned...it was well before dawn actually. I woke to the feeling of something sharp puncturing my toe. I moved a little bit, pulling my foot out of target range, which only hastened the assault. It quickly turned into a game. Two fully armed attackers against one half-asleep human. The kittens that I had adopted a few months before decided that it was time to get up. It was a joy to wake to such sweet faces. I laughed so much during our game that I barely noticed the music.

Song morning started abruptly in 2016. I was lingering in bed, mentally laughing at how much I used to hate “I'll Be Home For Christmas”.

Whoosh. Next came the sound of tinkling glass. I know that sound. “The Tree.” I raced out of bed to find the kitten standing on the tree looking triumphant, proud of her new kill. The tree had been subdued and was now laying on its side.

“Down.” I said, clapping my hands and chasing her away. “Nothing is broken.” I said to myself as I put the tree back in an upright position. It was still dark. I took a look at the clock. Five-Thirty? “Five-thirty? Really kitty?” All three cats lined up and listened to me for a moment. Soon they lost interest and began racing through the house, jumping across furniture, using the back of the couch to ricochet off of for their zero point turn, rustling the Christmas tree's branches but never touching it. “I'll make some coffee. There's no sleeping through the ruckus you three are making. Just remember that it is Sunday. I am home today. When you go to sleep I will be waking you up...every chance I get.” All three cats stopped in front of me. They looked at me, looked at each other, and took off again at a full sprint.

I heard the sound of something being knocked over in another room of the house. “I heard that. Leave that alone. It's not yours!”

As it turned out the source of the noise was not feline. Ben walked into the kitchen as I was nodding off, waiting for my brew. “It's like you have kids not cats Sis.”

“I haven't lost it completely. I'm not like Aunt Ethel with her 15 house cats.”

“Talking to cats like they’re kids? I hate to tell you this Carrie but you passed up Aunt Ethel months ago.”

I glared at my brother.

“What are you doing here?”

“I bought something for Tiffany. Can I hide it here?” He asked.

I nodded. “Remember the rules.”

“Wrap it first. Hide it yourself or we may never see it again.” Ben pulled a small rectangular wrapped box from his pocket and started looking around.

“Keep it out of the cats' reach. They know how to unwrap presents.” I called after him.

Pirate's Epilogue

With Pirate’s return and the waning of The Lady With The Long Golden Hair’s Treimhse Ar Adoration, it does not take long to put House back together. She wants many improvements none of which she receives. Writer Lady’s excuse is that the house has been through so much already, wouldn’t it be nice to rest for a bit. House does not think so but cannot get anyone to take her side.

“Isn’t this nice, everyone sitting together?” Aunt Purdy asks.

The entire group is crowded into the living room. Pirate sits on the couch. The Lady With The Long Golden Hair sits on one side of him, Writer Lady, the other. Monitor Man stands by the front door. Carp stands next to him. Tinkletoes stands in front of the entry way between the living room and the kitchen.

“Do you get the feeling that Pirate is the reason for this gathering?” Carp asks Monitor Man. “It almost feels like an intervention.”

“Or a firing squad.” Tinkletoes says.

“When Pirate first came to me,” The Lady With The Long Golden Hair begins, “he was deeply saddened and angry with himself. I will not share details, those are not important. He told me about something that he had done that he was not happy about and asked me for punishment. After much thought, I agreed to it. He stayed with me and served as my champion. With all that has happened and all of the progress that has been made, especially with all he has done during this most recent period of adoration, I have decided that it is time for Pirate’s punishment to be over. He has served me and served me well. He has faced many demons, several of his own. He has been victorious time and time again.”

Tinkletoes leans over and whispers. “That’s what a woman looks for. Stamina.”

Writer Lady looks at Carp. Carp smacks Tinkletoes on the back of the head. She nods.

“I want to tell him that he is no longer bound to me in any way. What he does from this day forward is of his own choosing. I wanted to announce it in front of witnesses. He will argue if I don’t have witnesses.”

“Pirates don’t argue Milady. We listen then do what we want to.”

“What are you going to be doing now?” Writer Lady asks.

Pirate looks at Writer Lady then The Lady With The Long Golden Hair. His eyes pan the room looking at all of the faces. He spots something shiny in the corner of the room and smiles. The smile disappears as quickly as it appears. “First I must see the Lady With The Long Golden Hair back home. Her lodgings must be put to rights.”

Pirate leaves with The Lady With The Long Golden Hair. There is still much to be done at her house. A new champion will need to be found as well.

The children play as the adults visit. A writer lady doesn’t visit Faerie every day does she? Dylan runs through the room, chased by his brother and the baby dragon. The boy stops on his way out of the room and asks, “Where did the magic sword go?”

“It’s in the corner. TP is taking it back to Faerie later.”

“I don’t see it.” Dylan says.

“It’s in the corner Sweetie.”

Peter looks at all four corners of the room. “No, it isn’t.” He says.

“That means...” Monitor Man says.

“It means that Pirate is running loose with Excalibur.” Writer Lady begins looking under the couch, in other rooms. In the refrigerator. Hey, you never know. “This is not good. Not good at all.”

“Hey. Doesn’t that mean Pirate’s the Queen of England now?” Tinkletoes asks.

P.S. If anyone meets a pirate wielding a magic sword please tell him that the Queen of England would like to have Excalibur back now.

Excalibur and The Pirate

Pirate looks at the sword. It is displayed prominently in Lady Gray’s solar. The light illuminating it pulses gently.

Lady Gray jumps on to the platform the sword, scabbard, and stand are on. She rubs her body along the side of the sword. “Excalibur, wake my lovely, you have a visitor.”

The pulsing stops. A glow that travels from the tip of the sword travels up until it illuminates the weapon all the way to the end of its hilt.

“You may remove Excalibur from her bed to speak with her now.” Lady Gray says.

Pirate slowly reaches up and removes the sword from her scabbard. He holds it up in front of him and waits.

“Tell her what you told me.” The smokey gray kitten instructs.

Pirate tells the story again. When he finishes the hilt’s glow travels down towards the tip of the sword. The hilt is no longer illuminated.

“There is something wrong. You are not being completely honest about who you are.”

Pirate takes a breath and begins talking. Fast. “I know Luv. If I speak the words out loud then all of The Lady With The Long Golden Hair’s magic will disappear. I need that magic to save her.”

The glowing begins to travel back towards the hilt. Illuminating half of it.

“There is another way.” Lady Gray says. “You must put your finger to Excalibur’s tip. She must taste your blood.”

Pirate makes a face.

“It is the only way to keep your secret Sir.”

He lays Excalibur on the floor. Laying down next to it, he reaches out and puts an index finger to its tip. A drop of blood is left on the sword. Within moments it is once again glowing completely.

“It appears Excalibur is in your charge Pirate. Stay true to her and to your cause. When you are finished you can either thank her for her help and tell her that it is time to return to Faerie for a rest or you are more than welcome to come back to Faerie and return her to me in person.”

“Thank you Milady. The Lady With The Long Golden Hair and I are most grateful.”

“Don’t tell me that. Stay true to Excalibur and she will feel your gratitude.”

Gordon the Giant’s hand breaks through the window glass knocking down, nothing. Everyone manages to get out of the way. The giant’s eye glares into the house. They scoot back and watch as Gordon begins to tear away the window frame with one hand.

“My glass. My frame!” House screams.

Dylan and Furnatche look at each other. Dylan crooks a finger at his older brother Peter gesturing for him to lean down. He whispers something, Peter nods, runs into the kitchen, and returns with a loaded plate. The tow headed four year old and the baby dragon take their places in front of Gordon’s eye. Dylan picks up a carrot. The dragon steps forward, sniffs, then sits back down and waits. Dylan puts down the carrot and picks up an apple. Furnatche sniffs, he swishes his tail and then sits back down. Dylan replaces the apple with an onion. The dragon sniffs, whimpers, and sits back down.

Gordon tilts his head. He curiously waits for whatever is coming next.

Dylan picks up a piece of chocolate. The baby dragon’s eyes light up. He wags. “Furnatche. No! Aunt Purdy says that chocolate gives you diarrhea.” The boy lifts the piece of chocolate to the window and says, “Chocolate?”

Gordon accepts the candy and devours it.

Dylan holds up a cookie. Furnatche’s nose changes. Several tendrils emerge from around the outside of the dragon’s nose. Each tendril has a small bean (like you would see on the end of a sprout). The tendrils move back forth around the dragon’s nose. Each bean opening and closing as it takes in the cookie’s scent.

To Gordon it is an amazing sight. The giant is entranced. Everyone, especially House, breathes a sigh of relief.

“Super Smeller, we call this Furnatche’s Super Smeller nose.” Dylan says as he looks at Gordon.

The Lady With The Long Golden Hair watches smiling. Diomedes and Ray stand next to her on either side.

“Her Ladyship, now would be an excellent time to get you out of harm’s way. Let me introduce you to a most fascinating place.” Diomedes says, “It is called a ‘bathroom’.”

“Duuude.” Ray says. “Excellent idea.”

The three quietly exit the room.

Gordon continues watching Dylan and Furnatche for several minutes. Amazed by the baby dragon’s nose, disappointed when the tendrils disappear. He then becomes happy when they reappear as if the giant has never seen it before that moment.

Then Dylan runs out of food. “There’s no more.” He says. The beans close and the tendrils around the baby dragon’s nose droop. “Uh oh.”

Gordon looks away from Dylan and Furnatche. The giant looks further into the living room. He’s looking for The Lady With The Long Golden Hair.

“GRRRR!!!” The giant growls and takes out his frustration on the other side of the window frame. Then he begins pushing against the house.

“My foundation! My foundation!” House screams.

The carport and Writer Lady’s car disappear, a small strip of meadow appears in its place. A silver unicorn with two riders, the first with a glowing sword lifted to his enemies enters the driveway.

Pirate turns Siva to face Gordon. “Gor-don!” He calls. “Gordon Behold.”

“Gordon Behold?” Writer Lady whispers in Pirate’s ear.

“I’m a bit new at this. If you don’t mind.” He whispers back. Pirate turns Siva to face the mob of men, animals, and mystical creatures standing in the street and various neighbor’s yards. “Hear me male creatures. You have been enchanted by magic. You do not belong here. Her ladyship does not fancy you. It is time for you to go.”

“Says who?” One of the policemen ask.

“Me.” Pirate says.

Several men laugh.

Siva snorts and stamps his hoof.

“What now?” Writer Lady asks.

“I don’t know.” Pirate says.

“You have to do something.”

“Enchanted swords don’t come with instructions, do they?” He asks.

“No.” She answers.

“Would you please dismount my steed so that I might work properly.”

“But if you don’t know what you’re doing...”

“Milady. Please.”

Writer Lady jumps from Siva’s back and takes a place near the closest door to the house.

Siva steps forward just as Leitis arrives with Tinkletoes and Monitor Man on her back. The white unicorn walks to Writer Lady’s side and stops.

“Get thrown off the bus already?” Tinkletoes asks, grinning. He looks at Monitor Man. “I told you that she’d be too bossy to ride with him.”

“I’m not bossy. I was...helping.”

“Helping?” He looks at Monitor Man. “That’s when she questions your every move.”

“Not every move.”

Leitis snorts then shakes her head.

“You need to get off Leitis.” Writer Lady says.

Leitis shakes her head.

Monitor Man dismounts.

Leitis snorts.

“Tinkletoes get down.”

“Me? No. It’s time to do man things.” He says with a smile.

Leitis smoothly bucks Tinkletoes off of her back, turns, and goes back to Faerie.

Tinkletoes is laying in a pile on the driveway next to a trash can.

“He looks very manly doesn’t he?” Monitor Man asks.

Pirate continues forward and faces the crowd of males. He lowers the sword, holds it to his head, closes his eyes. The sword begins to hum. Sounding as if lightning itself is growing within Excalibur’s blade. Pirate raises his hand once again. He waves the sword in the air above the crowd. A bright flash of light is expelled from the sword , its rays covering any who have been enchanted by the unconstrained magic of The Lady With The Long Golden Hair.

“It is time good men. You must go home.” He calls.

Slowly, one by one, every man, every animal, every mystical male creature take their leave. All except one.

Gordon the Giant is quiet. He sits in front of the picture window looking at Pirate, Tinkletoes, Monitor Man, and Writer Lady. The giant then peers through the picture window and longingly into the house.

Tinkletoes looks at Writer Lady and says, “Why isn’t he going?”

“He likes the view? How should I know.” She says.

Pirate puts Excalibur back into her scabbard, rides to the rest of the group, and dismounts Siva. “I think I know what needs to be done.” He looks at the silver unicorn. “Thank you Siva for serving us so well. I will send word to Lady Gray describing your loyalty, speed, and bravery.”

Siva bobs his head, neighs, and takes the entrance back to Faerie.

Pirate enters the house followed by the others. Within minutes he is standing on the front step next to The Lady With The Long Golden Hair.

“Thank you Gordon.” She says. “Thank you for your loyalty and kindness. Thank you for protecting me. Pirate has returned and I am safe. You may go now.”

Gordon smiles. He heads for the open entry to Faerie, walks into it, and the entry closes behind him. The giant is gone.