A Self-Proclaimed Mercenary's Overabundance Of Digits

Tinkletoes holds up a hand and snaps his fingers, TP appears. The faerie calls forth a Bowie knife that floats into Tinkletoes’ waiting hand.

“Permanent changes aren’t really necessary.” Carp says as he pushes Tinkletoes' knife wielding hand down. “Not for an informal dress rehearsal.”

Francesca looks at Carp. She raises an eyebrow as she takes his statement into consideration. “I suppose not." She continues, "Having all of one’s fingers can be useful in combat.”

Tinkletoes raises his knife, “The really good stories feel authentic.”

“Tinkleboob is getting ready to do something stupid.” House calls out. “I don’t care what anyone says, I am not cleaning the mess up. I demand professionals.”

Writer Lady turns away from the monitor and sees the tip of the knife pressed against the base of his right index finger.

“Is it this one?” He asks, looking at Francesca.

“No.”

“What about this one?” He asks placing it against the middle finger.

“It is an action series, what do you think?” Francesca responds.

“Wrong finger.” Tinkletoes says. He puts the tip of the knife against his ring finger. “It must be this one.”

“Right finger, wrong hand.” Francesca points out.

“That narrows things down.”

“We really don’t need to do that.” Carp sings.

The assassin-in-training manages to wrestle the knife away from Tinkletoes/Bubba/Baba/J...that bad ass that loves muscle cars and puppies.

“What about tape?” Writer Lady asks.

Tinkletoes thinks for a minute. “I don’t know much about doctor stuff but I’m thinking you can’t really tape a finger back on.”

Writer Lady closes her eyes, opens them and tries again. “We can tape two fingers together and create the illusion that you're missing a finger.”

“Great idea.” Carp agrees.

“So.” Tinkletoes says looking at Francesca.

“It will do.”

“All done.” Carp announces.

Tinkletoes/John returns to High Command. He opens and closes his hand. The self-proclaimed mercenary/assassin practices using his trigger finger. “Okay. What happens now?”

Carp looks at Writer Lady. “May I continue?”

“Catch him up.”

“John Wick has tried saving himself from his current circumstances, traveling to the far reaches of the world in order to call a truce with the big guy in charge. John cuts off his finger giving it and his wedding ring to his leader to prove his loyalty and acceptance of the big guy’s terms for reconciliation. A challenge is bestowed upon him. One that John does not like.

When he gets back home he decides to betray the big guy and not fulfill his request to support a trusted friend/colleague. He is betrayed by that friend in return. John survives and comes to create a new allegiance with the leader of the underground in New York City.

Writer Lady picks the story up from there. “He is currently dodging attacks from most of the assassins he used to consider colleagues, trying to find a way to end the onslaught and stay alive.

“He has made a very big mess.” Francesca says. “Which is why he needs me.”

“I come and find you?” Tinkletoes/John asks. “I ask for help? From a girl?”

“He’s actually done that before.” Writer Lady points out.

“It’s part of the story.” Carp adds. “No biggie.”

Tinkletoes does not look happy.

Francesca looks at Writer Lady. “This will never work.” She nods in Tinkletoes’ direction. “He cannot do this. His skull is too thick.”

Writer Lady looks at Francesca. “It’s not as bad as you think. He just has trouble accepting ideas that are contrary to his previously established principles. Let me try.” She looks at Tinkletoes. “John does not go to Francesca for help. Not directly. He makes the mistake of trusting another man to get the information he is seeking.”

Francesca shakes her head. “He is not much of a man. I cut up his tongue much too easily.”

Writer Lady ignores the comment. “John runs into Francesca when he tracks down that man. He enters Francesca’s territory looking for Vincent Donati.”

“I take pity on John and help him.” Francesca says.

“Pity? You don’t like Joh...me?”

Francesca looks Tinkletoes/John in the eye. “John Wick acts impulsively. He is careless, barreling in and shooting everything. He is like a bull in a china shop...too messy.”

“You kill people with knives.” He counters.

“Yes.”

Tinkletoes/John takes a step closer. “Bullets fly to their target, boldly penetrating and doing the job quickly. Efficiently. A cut throat is way messier.”

Francesca steps forward. “Guns are for cowards. Blades are personal. The target sees you coming and knows you are coming...for them.”

Tinkletoes/John leans in, “A well placed bullet leaves little blood. It’s a skill.”

Francesca leans in and counters, “Bullets leave gun residue.”

“Only on honest people.”

Tinkletoes/John is standing close to Francesca. Very close.

“This is wor-king.” Carp sings. “Is it getting warm in here?” The assassin-in-training starts fanning himself.

Writer Lady frowns. “No.”

Carp gives her a side-long glance. “I hate to tell you girlfriend but these two are turning up the temperature.”

Writer Lady shakes her head. “They’re not supposed to. They can’t. It’s not that kind of story.”

Carp raises an eyebrow.

“It’s not! They aren’t doing it right. They need to look at the pages. Maybe this was a bad idea.”

Carp gestures to the scene that is playing out in front of them. “Are you going to ditch this? Because if you want to ditch this I would love to have a go. Jenny Love can come out of retirement for a story like this.”

Writer Lady stands up. “He is a new widower who hasn’t done more than eat a bowl of cereal and drink bourbon for three movies. He is grieving dammit!”

“Would that be a ‘no’?”

“He’s been fighting. Dodging knives and bullets. He’s not eating, where would he get the energy?”

“Trust me girl he can find the energy some place.”

Writer Lady drops into her chair, puts a hand to her forehead and sighs.

Enter Bubba Yaya

“Yeah.” Tinkletoes responds. He looks at Carp. “So...what do I do?” He asks.

“You’re looking to me for direction?” Carp asks feigning surprise.

Tinkletoes looks at Carp and waits.

“I’ve always wanted to have my own production.” He gushes. Carp turns to Writer Lady. “May I set the stage?”

“You know that world as well as I do.” She smiles. “Go for it.”

“In this story you are John Wick. A notorious and deeply feared assassin. A legend. You are known as The Bogey Man or Baba Yaga. John Wick is the baddest of the bad. He is the man that you send when you want to kill The Bogey Man.”

Tinkletoes repeats, “Bogey Man. Bogey Men are bad news. How many guns do I get?”

Carp looks at Writer Lady.

“Based on my story line, as many as you can commandeer.” She responds.

“Are there, grenades?” Tinkletoes asks.

She raises a brow, “There might be.”

“But not yet.” Carp says. He looks the self-proclaimed mercenary over in his close fitting mixed cammos and regulation haircut. “We are going to have to make some changes.”

Carp calls out. “Wardrobe.”

TP appears in a well-cut suit. A length of measuring tape is draped around the faerie’s neck. “Oh my.” He says. “The Bogey Man needs new clothes.” TP giggles.

“A new suit please. Black.” Carp instructs.

“Cut?”

“Italian.” Carp responds.

“Buttons.”

“One.”

TP looks at Carp. “One button is not Italian.”

“One button allows for a better range of motion.”

TP shakes his head and moves on. “Trousers.”

“Pleated.”

“Tapered.” TP corrects.

“Pleated.” Carp puts a hand to his mouth and whispers. “He’ll need the extra room.” The assassin-in-training continues, “It’s easier to move around in the pleated trousers especially when suit wearing is new to a man.”

“Very good.” TP says.

Carp coughs. “Aren’t you forgetting something?”

TP shakes his head. “No.”

“There’s one more question you have got to ask me.”

TP waves his hand and a wide closet door appears. The faerie opens it and begins searching through a row of black suits.

“It’s one of my favorite parts. Please?” Carp asks.

TP sighs and turns to the assassin-in-training. “And the lining?”

Carp’s eyes brighten. “Tactical.”

“Cool.” Tinkletoes comments.

Carp looks at Tinkletoes. “Do me a favor while we’re doing this,” Carp gestures to the rest of the group. “Don’t use that word.”

“Why?”

“It’s quite simple, John Wick is a man of few words. ‘Cool’ is not one of them.

Tinkletoes clenches his jaw. He looks at Francesca for a moment, loosens the jaw and says, “Okay.”

TP retrieves a suit and hands it to Carp.

“Yes.” Carp hands it to Tinkletoes without looking in his direction. “Go into the bathroom and put these on.

Tinkletoes turns to leave as TP hands Carp a hanger with a shirt on it.

Carp turns and thrusts it in the direction Tinkletoes went calling out, “Shirt. Shirt. Shirt!” until Tinkletoes takes the hanger from him. Carp turns back to TP. “Let me see the oxfords. The solid black not the two tone.”

There is a knock on the bathroom door just as Tinkletoes is tucking in his shirt. “Yeah?”

“I have socks for you and shoes.”

“Won’t my boots work?”

“John Wick does not wear combat boots with Italian wool.” The bathroom door opens and Carp’s arm enters a pair of shoes with socks tucked inside are held from the outstretched hand.

“Is this it?” The self-proclaimed mercenary asks accepting them.

“I’ll help you with your tie and one other thing.”

“What’s that?” He asks as he accepts the shoes.

“Your hair. To look like John Wick you’re going to need more of it.”

“No way.”

“It looks wonderful.” Carp gushes.

Tinkletoes stares at his reflection in the mirror. His face is pale. “I have never had this much hair in my entire life. This isn’t natural.”

“You look just like him. It’s perfect.”

“I look like a chick.”

“You are wearing one of the finest men’s suits in the world.”

“I’m a chick.”

“You are wearing a man’s suit and you have a beard.”

Tinkletoes studies his reflection then looks at Carp in the mirror. “There are bearded ladies. They live in circuses.”

“What do you think happened, TP turned you into a bearded lady, we kidnapped you, put you in a man’s suit and we’re going to leave you at the circus?”

“Weirder things have happened in this house.”

“Let me ask you this, if you are not dressed up as John Wick and in fact have been turned into a bearded lady then where are your boobies?”

Tinkletoes reaches down and touches his chest. “Pecs. Solid as ever.”

“You are still a man. A bad ass one. You look fantastic. If you want to impress Francesca, come with me.

“Do we still get to play with guns?”

Carp looks at TP who giggles. “Of course. Relax. Enjoy playing the part. She’s going to find you irresistible.”

Carp opens the door and Tinkletoes/John/Tinkletoes...follows.

“I was already irresistible.”

“Of course.” Carp agrees. “Just get in here.”

Carp enters first. “Attention ladies. I would like you to meet our man of the hour, John Wick.”

“It is I, Bubba Yaya.” Tinkletoes announces, his arms outstretched.

“Don’t you mean Baba Yaga?” Writer Lady asks.

“That’s what I said Bubba Yaya.”

Carp shakes his head. “It’s Ba-ba Ya-ga.”

Tinkletoes begins, “Bub…”

“No.” Writer Lady and Carp both counter.

“ba?”

“Let’s go with John.” Writer Lady suggests.

“John is nice.” Carp agrees.

Tinkletoes looks at Francesca his eyes are bright. His smile wide.

“So...Francesca what do you think?” Carp asks.

The female assassin looks Tinkletoes over closely and says, “He still has all of his fingers.”