In A Snit Over A Tick

“Dobby kitty? Where are you kitty?” Mom walks through the house looking for Dobby. She finds him asleep under the bed. “You didn't come out and say 'hello'.”

Dobby opens one eye and glares. “Why would I? You didn't miss me.” He says.

“Of course I did. I miss you every time I have to leave the house.” Mom says.

“This is it, isn't it? It's over between the two of us. I'm being...replaced.” Dobby says accusingly as he crawls out from under the bed and slinks past Mom before she can pick him up. Mom follows Dobby through the house.

“Dobby, you're my kitty. My baby. You will always have a home with me. What is this really about?

I know this is scary, all of the furniture moving and everything but I told you I'm painting the bedroom. We are just changing things around a bit. Nothing more.”

“Really?” Dobby asks in a flat tone. “Why did you come home so late last Monday?”

“I was working.” Mom answers, sitting down in her big writing chair.

“Tuesday?” Dobby asks. “Were you working then too? It didn't smell like you had been working!”

“No. Umm...I got done at work a little early and I stopped by your Aunt Bridget's.” Mom responds.

“Wednesday?”

“Aunt Bridget's after work again.” Mom answers not really sure where this inquisition is going.

“Then after all the time you have spent away from home you come in and start moving furniture around. Painting rooms. Today, you not only went to the farm and played with dogs then after you let them into this house! Our home! You have been cheating on me Mom. You heartless wench!”

“Cheating on you? I can't cheat on you. This isn't a romantic relationship. I'm your mother.”

“How many mothers spend their time playing with other women's children while their child is...Home Alone.”

(TP and a crowd of faeries gasp in the background utterly horrified)

“You sleep all day. Besides you had food, water, a clean litter box and lots of places to nap comfortably. I was home before your wake up time. You are a cat. You were fine.”

“That doesn't change the fact that you left our home, patted me on the head and went to some other animals and...patted their heads too.”

(Faeries gasp again)

“What is that?” Dobby asks rubbing against Mom's pant leg.

“Just some mud. Shea Leah and I were outside playing with Tisha. We were running and I fell.”

“You and Shea Leah running together now isn't that cozy.”

“You are really exaggerating this.”

“When you lay down with dogs Mom you get fleas. Have you checked yourself yet?” Dobby asks.

“Have I checked for what?” Mom asks.

“Fleas...”

“Yes. Fleas. I don't want any of those infernal fleas on my body. You are not climbing into my bed until you are checked.”

“Don't be silly Dobby. I don't have any fleas.” Mom answers.

“What's this?” Dobby asks rubbing against her face. “There is something dark stuck to your hair.”

“It's probably a leaf. There are still a lot of dry leaves around.”

Dobby looks closely at the “leaf”. “Do leaves crawl Mom?”

“Oh shit! It's a bug.” Mom gets up from her chair and runs into the bathroom. Using the mirror on the front of the medicine chest to aid her search she finds the bug and removes it from her hair. “It's a tick! Ticks are horrible.” Mom tosses the tick into the bathroom sink and runs the water sending it down the drain. After turning the water off, Mom continues searching her hair with furious speed. When she looks down in the sink the tick she drowned had made its way back up the drain and crawling merrily up the sinks perimeter.

“It's back! The tick came back! Somebody kill it. Now!” Mom screams.

Tinkletoes stands in the bathroom doorway with flame thrower. “Fire kills these critters. Stand back Dobby's Mom I've got this.”

“Tinkletoes. I can't let you do this.” Mom says.

“ I know it seems inhumane right now. This tick will keep coming if we don't destroy it completely.”

“No. I don't want you to use this flame thrower in my house. You will burn my house down. I can't afford to re-build. Insurance doesn't cover grenades or flame throwers. I checked.”

“Silly human.” TP giggled from the hallway snapped his fingers and the renegade tick spontaneously combusted.

“Thank you TP!” Mom says.

“See, Mom, I told you.” Dobby says. “When you lie down with dogs...”