Name That Neurosis

Dobby sits on the living room floor watching Writer Lady who sits on the couch.

The room is silent.

The house is silent except for the sound of the running furnace and the humidifier. Two separate things not one. Just so you know.

"Mom, it's after nine you could go to bed now." Dobby says. He has seen this look before on Writer Lady. It's not a good one.

It's Wednesday night, not much on TV. It's been a long day. No fun on the horizon...

"Dobby it's funny. It really is. This moment right now is one of my worst fears. Did you know that kitty? The next fifty years of this."

Silence abounds.

"Oh no...it's starting." Dobby mutters.

TP and I came up with a plan for this. What was the code word? I can't remember...

"Dobby, you know what I wonder?" Dobby's eyes grow bigger as she talks, more quickly and less steadily with each passing moment. "I wonder if in fifty years when I finally do drop dead where will I be sitting? Will it be in this spot?"I bet it's going to be in this exact spot. There will be a really well worn butt indention right here in fifty years."

Think Dobby think.

I can't think of anything. Maybe if I do something cute I can distract her.

Dobby stiffens his body and concentrates on an obscure spot on the floor. The ginger tabby starts chirping excitedly and bobbing his head.

“What are you looking at kitty? Can Mama help you?” Writer Lady says.

Help. That's the word! “Help!” Dobby says, calling to TP.

The living room goes dark. There is thunderous rumble and a blast of fireworks. An announcer bellows, It's time to play Name that Neurosis. With your host, TP the Faerie and his lovely assistant Dobby! (quickly announcer rattles –We decided Dobby is okay even if he is only a cat.)

Startled, Writer Lady is sitting up as far back against the couch as she can go.

Here is our first contestant, she's cute, she's complicated and slightly annoying. Really, so cute we love her anyway. Please welcome, Writer Lady!

Pixies and faeries can be heard cheering in the background.

“I've seen her before. This is going to be fun.” a pixie says in a high pitched voice.

“She is such a puzzle not even Milton or Bradley will talk to her,” another pixie giggles.

On with the show!

Taking center stage in a pale blue prom tuxedo complete with ruffled shirt, TP begins. “For those of you at home who are not familiar with this game. It is simply this.”

“Dobby...” TP says with a sweeping gesture of his arm. The spotlight moves to Dobby.

Dobby smiles. “What?” he asks through clenched teeth.

“The object of the game. Please tell audience for us.” TP continues.

“You tell them. You're the host.” Dobby answers.

“I appeared when you asked for help, came up with the name and I'm wearing this stupid tux. It's your turn to do something.” TP says.

“Something's wrong.” Pixie one says looking in TP and Dobby's direction.

“Let's go see.” Says pixie too. (Too is spelled correctly in this case. These are pixies they don't follow rules).

“Tell them the rules my assistant!” TP announces again.

“I don't know any rules or the object of the game. I've got nothing. Bupkis.” Dobby argues.

“He's got nothing.” Pixie one announces to the crowd.

“Butt kiss.” Pixie too adds.

Pixie one looks at pixie too and shakes her head. “No, no, no...” There is whispering.

“Bupkis! That was Bupkis folks!” Pixie too corrects her blunder.

There are sharp intakes of breath throughout the audience.

In Faerie a bupkis is way worse than a butt kiss which is really quite nice for them. Just so you know.

The audience becomes angry and starts throwing whatever they have with them. Mostly faerie dust which doesn't hurt much. It's symbolic.

“You have broken one of the big five rules, TP.” Pixie one says, snapping her fingers a scroll materializes in front of her. Unrolling it she reads, “Rule number 5. Games must be thought up and ready for play upon introduction of said game. You must be punished.”

TP pales at the news.

The audience is silenced. Shocked that such a punishment will be executed in front of them.

“TP – Faerie of Faerie A.K.A. Totally Pixilated you have been found guilty of breaking Rule 5 of the Fae's Big Five. Prepare to meet your punishment.” Merlin's voice rumbles throughout the living room.

Pixie One and Pixie Too face TP and say in unison, “You were a very bad boy and the pixies aren't going to play with you—Any More!”

TP hangs his head sadly.

The living room empties of faeries and pixies. The faerie dust disappears and the lights come back up.

Seeing it is safe to walk around without stepping on any magical creatures Writer Lady gets up and walks over to TP. “I'm so sorry TP. I don't know what that was all about. You didn't deserve such a harsh punishment. Is there anything I can do to help?”

“Thank you Writer Lady. But no there isn't.” TP answers.

“He was helping me take care of you Mom.” Dobby says. “We were distracting you so you stopped freaking out.”

“I was a bit on edge there wasn't I? Well you can be sure I won't be doing that again. That fear was right in front of me and it didn't win.”

“That fear is gone?” Dobby asks.

“That fear is gone.” Writer Ladys says with a smile and heads off to bed.

“One down only 5160 to go.” TP giggles.

“There are no more pixie dates for you. Why are you laughing?”

“You have 5160 more fears to go.” TP giggles some more. “By the way, Any More ends next week. Good night Dobby.”