It Hits The Fan

“Has your grandma always been like that?” Carp asks.

“My whole life.” Tinkletoes says.

“Sorry Man. But that explains a lot. No wonder you have such messed up ideas about women.”

“That's Grandma. She's not a woman.” Tinkletoes says shaking his head he walks across the yard to inspect the damaged shed more closely.

Carp follows Tinkletoes into the shed.

“What do you think we should do to fix this?” Tinkletoes asks sticking his finger through one of the shed's numerous holes.

“Of course she's a woman. If she's not a man, she has to be a woman.” Carp responds.

Tinkletoes rolls his eyes and holds up one hand, counting off non-male categories. “Moms, Grandmas, Sisters, Teacher-Aunts and Women.”

“Teacher-Aunts?” Carp asks.

“Teachers and Aunts?” Tinkletoes says. “I figured this stuff out when I was four. Get with the program buddy.” He says patting Carp on the back.

“Not all teachers are women.” Carp says. “Besides, shouldn't Teachers and Aunts be on separate fingers?”

“Not when you're four. I always had a snake, lizard, or my favorite car in the other hand. I wasn't about to put that down.” Tinkletoes explains. “What about duct tape? We can cover the holes with that. Both sides of the holes. A coat of paint on the outside...”

“In all this time you've never felt compelled to change your system?” Carp asks.

“No. Why?”

“Because they are all women.”

“No. A woman dresses pretty, smells nice, and shares her cookies.” Tinkletoes says.

“That's your description of a woman?” Carp asks.

“Yes. I...”

“Let me guess you came up with that when you were four too.”

Tinkletoes nods proudly.

“Things have changed a lot since we were four Tinkletoes. There's a lot more to being a woman than looking pretty and smelling nice. Don't you think it's time to change your definition?” Carp asks.

Tinkletoes moves around the shed in search of duct tape. “If it ain't broke, don't fix it.” Tinkletoes says. “My definition ain't broke.”

“You have no idea how messed up your thinking is do you?”

“So. Duct tape over the holes?”

“Tink. You destroyed the shed. You have to replace the shed.”

“She has another one right there.” Tinkletoes says pointing the towards the other shed.

“You still have to replace the shed.”

Tinkletoes stares at Carp pointing at the other shed.

“Fine. Tape over the holes and paint it. Buy yourself some time. You'll still owe her a new shed. What are you going to do about the lawn mower?” Carp asks.

“I was thinking...duct tape?”

Exiting the shed, Tinkletoes and Carp stand in the yard and look at the mower. It is riddled with bullet holes. Patches of metal are missing from the mower's brightly colored shell.

Standing next to the mower is Writer Lady. Her eyes large, face pale with shock at the sight of the lifeless machine that used to be her lawn mower. “My mower. What happened to my mower?” She asks.

“It's kind of a long story.” Carp says.

“The lawn mower. You shot up the lawn mower.” Writer Lady says. “Why?”

“We got permission from Mr. Donut and the others to have the shooting range. The men decided they wanted to watch. Participate too.”

Writer Lady slowly lowers herself to her knees looking at her mower with sadness. “But why?” She asks.

“Mr. Donut well he found Tinkletoes' Uzi.”

“Mr. Donut came outside?” Writer Lady asks.

“Tinkletoes was teaching Mr. Donut about the gun. It accidentally went off.” Carp lowers his voice and turning his head says quickly. “A few hundred times.”

“But the mower was in the shed.” Writer Lady says. Realizing what must have happened she stands up and looks around Tinkletoes and Carp to check the condition of the shed. “What the...?”

“Try not to get too upset.” Carp says. “We're going to fix this. Tinkletoes already has a plan to fix it.” Carp smiles nervously.

Writer Lady moves her gaze from the shed to Carp then Tinkletoes. She looks back at the shed. At Tinkletoes. “You...” She says to Tinkletoes. “You did this. You were supposed to have a plan, fail safes, the help of a faerie. Where was TP when all of this was happening?”

“Things were going so good. I kind of...gave him the day off.” Tinkletoes says looking everywhere except at Writer Lady's face.

“You gave him the day off?”

“Well. Yeah.” Tinkletoes responds.

“That's great. That's just great. Was anyone hurt?” Writer Lady asks her voice shaking with anger.

“No Ma'am.”

“Thank goodness for that.” Writer Lady says starting to turn towards the door to the house.

Tinkletoes lets out the breath he was holding.

Abruptly turning around and pointing to the lawn mower Writer Lady says, “You're going to fix this.” Pointing to the shed she says, “You're going to fix all of this” gesturing to both casualties with her finger. “Now.”

Once again, she starts to walk to the house. Looking down Writer Lady sees Tinkletoes' ammo bag. Squatting, she looks at what's inside. “Brought the entire arsenal with you today?” she asks.

“Pretty much.” Tinkletoes says. “Impressive isn't it?”

Writer Lady looks at Tinkletoes then looks into the bag. She looks back up at Tinkletoes, “Yes I have to say it is very impressive,” giving him a bright, sexy smile. Fluidly rising from her spot ammo bag in hand.

Tinkletoes steps forward to grab the bag from her stopping only when a taser is inches away from his face.

“Don't even think about it soldier boy.”