Mural Man's Sweet Booty And Other Household Disasters

 

**Be sure to read this post fully before letting a child read it.  Everyone has their own definition of what appropriate reading for a child is and has a right to rule things out as inappropriate at their own discretion.**

 

Butt Disclaimer: As a writer I have a connection with the characters I create.  When they are hurting I want to help them.  Initially, I was not in support of the subject matter in tonight's blog.  House was adamant.  Mural Man's backside is especially near and dear to her heart.   Although I have no interest in having another incident like the diarrhea saga from earlier this year I cannot ignore the worries of a house in love and her concerns for the safety and health of her beloved.  I agreed grudgingly that we need to get to the bottom of things and see that the issue is nipped in the butt.  Hopefully this part of the story can be finished quickly so that we don't get too far behind. 

 

“It's not that bad.”  Mural Man says.

“I can see bare wall through those scratch marks.   Bare Wall.”  House says.

“Mural Man says he's okay.  He's probably okay.”  Carp says.

“Do you see bare wall Carp?   Because I see bare wall.”  House exclaims.

Stepping down and into the bonus room Carp looks at Mural Man and his loin clothed posterior.  Briefly.  There are three lines running down Mural Man's left cheek.  “It looks like scratch marks.”   Carp says.

“Bare wall.”   House says again.

“There are three cats, two dragons, children, Ray, TP, and Tinkletoes in this house.  Something was going to happen eventually.   He's paper.  Paper gets cut, torn, disintegrates in water, drawn on.”

“I understand that.   I am smarter than you are Carp. In many ways. I take everything that happens to me in stride.”

Carp raises an eyebrow.

House doesn't see the eyebrow (I think she ignored it) and continues talking. “Mural Man is off limits and his booty is sacred.  No one touches it.  No one!”

“No one?”  Mural Man asks teasingly.

“I have been known to...”   House admits blushing.

“Been known to?”  Mural Man asks.

“We were in Faerie and three dimensional.   We had skin and everything.  It's not like I mauled you.”

“It wasn't an accidental brushing of skin either.”  Mural Man says.

“Whatever happened to 'What happens in Faerie stays in Faerie'?”  House asks.

“After two weeks like the ones we had in Faerie can you blame a guy for wanting to brag a little?”  Mural Man asks.

“I am more than most men can handle.”  House says.

Spots and Smudge continue wrestling on the floor.  One kitten being pinned then within seconds their positions reversing.

“Tinkletoes has plans for these two.  They have to be trained, part of that training involves learning discipline.   Strict discipline.  You won't be getting scratched after today Mural Man.”  Carp says.

“Thank you.   It sounds like our problem has been solved.”  Mural Man says.

“What about this?  What about the damage?”  House asks.

“Have you tried glue?”  Carp asks.

“The lines will still be there.  Permanent scars.  Every time I look at him I'll always be reminded of what I lost.”  House says, her voice catching slightly.

“House darling.”  Mural Man says.

“Whose butt is this?  Yours or his?”  Carp asks.

“What?”  House asks.  “I admire it daily.”  She says.

“But, it's attached to him.”  Carp says.  “It may be yours to admire but his butt belongs to him.  Mural Man should be the one to decide how it's repaired.”

“I want House to be happy.”   Mural Man croons.

“Oh Mur...”   House responds breathlessly.

The kittens have stopped wrestling and are looking at the wall, craning their heads trying to figure out where the sounds are coming from.

“Have you tried asking TP if he could re-bond the fibers?”

“I will not have him 'recycled'.”   House says.

“Then House it looks like you're stuck with...”  Carp leans in and studies the scratch marks again,  “bare wall.”

“No.”   House moans.

“Let's just call TP.”  Mural Man suggests.

“TP is already in.”   The faerie calls.   He is levitating above Smudge and Spots' heads.  Fluttering just out of reach as they take turns attempting to pounce on him.  The faerie is wearing a lab coat over his usual garb, a stethoscope hangs around his neck along with a wide array of tools that are stuffed into the lab coat's pockets.  He is wearing thick, round, glasses.  The faerie flies away from the kittens and up, stopping in front of Carp's face.  “Dr. TP is in.   Where does it hurt?  Here's your bill.”   TP asks holding up a bill made out to Carp for a million dollars.

“That's not how it works Dr. TP.”  Carp takes the bill, wads it up, and throws it onto the floor.  The kittens pounce and take off with it.  “I'm not the one who is hurt.  There's your patient.”   Carp says pointing to the wall.

“Where?”   The faerie asks, looking at everything except Mural Man's backside.

“You can't see it?”  House asks.   “It's a good thing he's only paper, he could have bled out by now.”

“Where?”   TP says squinting.

“Mural Man.   The kittens scratched his butt.”  Carp says, pointing again.

“Ah yes...”  TP says.  “I can see them now.”   The faerie floats the short distance to the wall where House and Mural Man are standing, laying, leaning?   The characters are paper just picture it, okay?

“Let's get a closer look.”  TP takes out a light and studies the scratches.  He puts the earpieces in his ears and places the stethoscope on the damaged cheek and listens. “Yes.”  TP pulls a measuring tape out and measures the scratches.  “Ah yes, very good.”  He says.   TP floats away from his patient's posterior and announces.  “It seems that Mural Man has been scratched.  Now he has boo-boos.”

“We told you that all ready.”   House says and mutters a few choice words.

“Can you do something to repair the scratches?”  Carp asks.

TP looks at Carp waiting for more information.

“Don't make me say that.”  Carp says.

No reply.   TP cranes his head as if puzzled.

“Can you fix Mural Man's boo-boos?”

“Can you?”  House asks.  “I don't want him to be scarred or recycled.   He's perfect right now.  He might not be as sweet next time if you recycle him.”

“Yes.  TP fix.   TP will fix both of you.”   TP says.  He begins looking for something in his pockets.   The faerie goes through all of the pockets several times, then on his fourth pass through he finds what he is looking for.   He pulls out a square wrapped in familiar white paper.

“Is that?”  House asks.   “An adhesive bandage?”

“Yes TP's special design.”  TP unwraps the bandage adjusting it to size like a person does when they are changing the size of a window on their computer display.   When the faerie is finished a sparkling pink unicorn is covering the scratches on Mural Man's tushy.   “All fixed.  No more boo-boo.”  TP looks directly at House.  “Now it's your turn.”

Make It Stop

“Dude.  You've got a marshmallow fire truck on your nose.   Now it's stuck to your butt.”  Ray's voice can be heard in the hallway.

Dobby and Tinkletoes enter the living room to find Carp waiting for them.

“Are you sure that you want to keep this plan in place?”  Carp asks Tinkletoes.  “I have been watching the kittens and they are pretty wound up.”

Spots slides past the kitchen's entry with a cellophane wrapped toy in his mouth.  Ray follows close behind.  “Dude.  That's the toy surprise, whoever opens the box gets that.  I opened the box.”

  Spots gains his footing and picks up speed running away from Ray.  Ray runs past the entry, he loses his balance sliding into the refrigerator door.  Spots stops, returning to Ray without the toy.  He sniffs at Ray for a minute.  The kitten looks at Ray, looks at the refrigerator door, looks back at Ray.  The kitten shakes his head and leaves.

  The open box of cereal falls from the counter landing onto the floor.  Smudge follows jumping from the counter top, landing easily on Ray's chest.  Ray groans, the added weight pushing air out of his lungs.

 “They've taken out Ray.”   Carp says looking at Tinkletoes.

“Ray is a low level target.”  Tinkletoes points out.

“They did take him out without much effort or training.”  Dobby adds.

Tinkletoes looks at Dobby then back at the kittens.  They are alternately jumping on and off of Ray's stomach as they race around him stopping periodically to chew on his hair or bat at his nose.

“Make it stop.”  Ray calls out.  “Make it stop.”

“These new recruits show potential.”  Tinkletoes says.   “The next lessons are discipline and taking orders.”

“Taking orders."  Carp repeats laughing a little bit.   “Who's going to do that job?”

  Tinkletoes and Dobby look at each other and then at Carp.

“Me?”  Carp asks.

“You know about discipline Carp, you used to write all that girlie stuff.   Writing girlie stuff takes discipline.”  Tinkletoes says.

“One of the most useful tools for establishing discipline is intimidation.  You're better at that.”  Carp says.

“This is a chance for you to get better at it.”   Tinkletoes counters.

The self-proclaimed mercenary looks at Dobby and whispers,  “The kittens need experience interacting with a higher level target.”  The ginger tabby nods briefly.

 Tinkletoes turns back to Carp,  “You can do this soldier.  Now get in there and teach those kittens discipline.  Start with the basics.”

“Step 1.  Line them up and break them down.”

Tinkletoes nods.  He and Dobby take their leave.

The kittens are wrestling on the kitchen floor.  Rolling, tumbling, clawing, and chewing on each other all over Ray's body.  Chewing on Ray's body.  Ray lays on the floor with his eyes closed and mutters quietly,  “Make it stop, make it stop.”

Carp walks into the kitchen, redirects the kittens to other pursuits, and walks over to Ray.

Ray opens one eye,  “Is it okay?  Is it safe?”  He asks.

Carp nods.

“What did you do?”  Ray asks.

“I threw a ball and got Spots' attention.”

“The other one?”

A crinkly noise is heard coming from the laundry room.

“Is that my toy surprise?”  Ray asks.

“A necessary sacrifice.”  Carp answers.

“Dude...I've been waiting for that one.  It completes a set.”

“Necessary sacrifices Ray.”  Carp repeats.  “Are you done experimenting or would you like me to leave you three alone?”  He asks.

“I am done.   Those kittens are hardcore.  They rock way harder than I do.”

Carp reaches out giving Ray a hand up.

Ray rises, dusting himself off.  He studies his body closely. “Do you see any blood?”   He asks.  “How's my hair?”

Carp looks at Ray taking stock, the same slept in clothes, the same eyes with the same slightly distant expression, his shoulder length hair still the same frayed mass of frizz it always was.  “It looks great.”  He says.

“Good.   I think I've got a date later or something.  It's a relief to know that I won't have to shower.”

“Ray,”  Carp says,  “go ahead and shower.”

Ray stares at Carp with a vacant expression.

“You said it was a date.  You've been playing with cats.  What if she's allergic to cats?”

Ray stares then a light slowly dawns.  “Dude!  You're right.  That is so brilliant.” Ray says.   “I'm gonna take off now.”  He makes his way through the laundry room and into the bonus room where the kittens are wrestling, both yearning to have complete custody of the cereal box prize.   “You guys rock hard.”  The kittens stop playing and watch Ray closely.   “It was fun.   Catch you later man.” Ray says to the kittens before leaving the house.   Smudge watches the door close, seeing that his brother is distracted Spots pounces pinning him to the floor and chewing on an ear.

Carp stands in the bonus room doorway watching Spots and Smudge play.  “You two do have lots of energy and you are relentless with your prey.”  Carp says to himself as he watches Smudge abandon his brother to rip the head off of a toy mouse.   “I can see why Tinkletoes wants to bring you in, but to find a way to control when and how you use it...”

“Yeah.   Good luck with that.”  House says from the other side of the door frame. “Those little monsters are destroying everything.”  She says.

“They're like little kids aren't they?”  Carp asks.  “You can't expect a toddler not to color on the floor or the wall at least once.”

“Coloring on the wall I can deal with.  They have been scratching them.”   House says.

“Scratches can be painted over.”

“Not these scratches.”  House says.  “The little monsters are the devil incarnate.”

“Darling it's okay.   I'm fine.”  Mural Man's voice can be heard coming from the bonus room.

“No you're not.  You were attacked mercilessly and I want justice!”  House exclaims.

Carp steps into the bonus room to get a look at the paper couple.  “What's the trouble?”  He asks.

“You don't see that?”  House groans.

“See what?”

“Mural Man.  They've shredded my baby's sweet booty.”