Mural Man's Sweet Booty And Other Household Disasters

 

**Be sure to read this post fully before letting a child read it.  Everyone has their own definition of what appropriate reading for a child is and has a right to rule things out as inappropriate at their own discretion.**

 

Butt Disclaimer: As a writer I have a connection with the characters I create.  When they are hurting I want to help them.  Initially, I was not in support of the subject matter in tonight's blog.  House was adamant.  Mural Man's backside is especially near and dear to her heart.   Although I have no interest in having another incident like the diarrhea saga from earlier this year I cannot ignore the worries of a house in love and her concerns for the safety and health of her beloved.  I agreed grudgingly that we need to get to the bottom of things and see that the issue is nipped in the butt.  Hopefully this part of the story can be finished quickly so that we don't get too far behind. 

 

“It's not that bad.”  Mural Man says.

“I can see bare wall through those scratch marks.   Bare Wall.”  House says.

“Mural Man says he's okay.  He's probably okay.”  Carp says.

“Do you see bare wall Carp?   Because I see bare wall.”  House exclaims.

Stepping down and into the bonus room Carp looks at Mural Man and his loin clothed posterior.  Briefly.  There are three lines running down Mural Man's left cheek.  “It looks like scratch marks.”   Carp says.

“Bare wall.”   House says again.

“There are three cats, two dragons, children, Ray, TP, and Tinkletoes in this house.  Something was going to happen eventually.   He's paper.  Paper gets cut, torn, disintegrates in water, drawn on.”

“I understand that.   I am smarter than you are Carp. In many ways. I take everything that happens to me in stride.”

Carp raises an eyebrow.

House doesn't see the eyebrow (I think she ignored it) and continues talking. “Mural Man is off limits and his booty is sacred.  No one touches it.  No one!”

“No one?”  Mural Man asks teasingly.

“I have been known to...”   House admits blushing.

“Been known to?”  Mural Man asks.

“We were in Faerie and three dimensional.   We had skin and everything.  It's not like I mauled you.”

“It wasn't an accidental brushing of skin either.”  Mural Man says.

“Whatever happened to 'What happens in Faerie stays in Faerie'?”  House asks.

“After two weeks like the ones we had in Faerie can you blame a guy for wanting to brag a little?”  Mural Man asks.

“I am more than most men can handle.”  House says.

Spots and Smudge continue wrestling on the floor.  One kitten being pinned then within seconds their positions reversing.

“Tinkletoes has plans for these two.  They have to be trained, part of that training involves learning discipline.   Strict discipline.  You won't be getting scratched after today Mural Man.”  Carp says.

“Thank you.   It sounds like our problem has been solved.”  Mural Man says.

“What about this?  What about the damage?”  House asks.

“Have you tried glue?”  Carp asks.

“The lines will still be there.  Permanent scars.  Every time I look at him I'll always be reminded of what I lost.”  House says, her voice catching slightly.

“House darling.”  Mural Man says.

“Whose butt is this?  Yours or his?”  Carp asks.

“What?”  House asks.  “I admire it daily.”  She says.

“But, it's attached to him.”  Carp says.  “It may be yours to admire but his butt belongs to him.  Mural Man should be the one to decide how it's repaired.”

“I want House to be happy.”   Mural Man croons.

“Oh Mur...”   House responds breathlessly.

The kittens have stopped wrestling and are looking at the wall, craning their heads trying to figure out where the sounds are coming from.

“Have you tried asking TP if he could re-bond the fibers?”

“I will not have him 'recycled'.”   House says.

“Then House it looks like you're stuck with...”  Carp leans in and studies the scratch marks again,  “bare wall.”

“No.”   House moans.

“Let's just call TP.”  Mural Man suggests.

“TP is already in.”   The faerie calls.   He is levitating above Smudge and Spots' heads.  Fluttering just out of reach as they take turns attempting to pounce on him.  The faerie is wearing a lab coat over his usual garb, a stethoscope hangs around his neck along with a wide array of tools that are stuffed into the lab coat's pockets.  He is wearing thick, round, glasses.  The faerie flies away from the kittens and up, stopping in front of Carp's face.  “Dr. TP is in.   Where does it hurt?  Here's your bill.”   TP asks holding up a bill made out to Carp for a million dollars.

“That's not how it works Dr. TP.”  Carp takes the bill, wads it up, and throws it onto the floor.  The kittens pounce and take off with it.  “I'm not the one who is hurt.  There's your patient.”   Carp says pointing to the wall.

“Where?”   The faerie asks, looking at everything except Mural Man's backside.

“You can't see it?”  House asks.   “It's a good thing he's only paper, he could have bled out by now.”

“Where?”   TP says squinting.

“Mural Man.   The kittens scratched his butt.”  Carp says, pointing again.

“Ah yes...”  TP says.  “I can see them now.”   The faerie floats the short distance to the wall where House and Mural Man are standing, laying, leaning?   The characters are paper just picture it, okay?

“Let's get a closer look.”  TP takes out a light and studies the scratches.  He puts the earpieces in his ears and places the stethoscope on the damaged cheek and listens. “Yes.”  TP pulls a measuring tape out and measures the scratches.  “Ah yes, very good.”  He says.   TP floats away from his patient's posterior and announces.  “It seems that Mural Man has been scratched.  Now he has boo-boos.”

“We told you that all ready.”   House says and mutters a few choice words.

“Can you do something to repair the scratches?”  Carp asks.

TP looks at Carp waiting for more information.

“Don't make me say that.”  Carp says.

No reply.   TP cranes his head as if puzzled.

“Can you fix Mural Man's boo-boos?”

“Can you?”  House asks.  “I don't want him to be scarred or recycled.   He's perfect right now.  He might not be as sweet next time if you recycle him.”

“Yes.  TP fix.   TP will fix both of you.”   TP says.  He begins looking for something in his pockets.   The faerie goes through all of the pockets several times, then on his fourth pass through he finds what he is looking for.   He pulls out a square wrapped in familiar white paper.

“Is that?”  House asks.   “An adhesive bandage?”

“Yes TP's special design.”  TP unwraps the bandage adjusting it to size like a person does when they are changing the size of a window on their computer display.   When the faerie is finished a sparkling pink unicorn is covering the scratches on Mural Man's tushy.   “All fixed.  No more boo-boo.”  TP looks directly at House.  “Now it's your turn.”