The Bear In The Room

“I can't believe it. I can't believe it.” One voice calls from the crowd.

“It's Monitor Man!” Another pixie squeals.

The crowd of pixies turn away from the podium to face Tinkletoes and Monitor Man.

“I Love You”, “He's so Enchanting” and “Monitor Man Sparkles!” can be heard throughout the room.

“Are those...pixies?” Monitor Man asks.

Tinkletoes nods and whispers. “Yeah pixies and they love you.” Tinkletoes waves and smiles. “We're gonna talk to them. I'll do the talking. Do whatever I tell you.”

Monitor Man looks at Tinkletoes and begins to protest. Tinkletoes turns to Monitor Man and lowers his voice. “Let me put this to you another way. Do what I say or I will hurt you. Physically.”

Monitor Man looks Tinkletoes in the eyes and says, “I think I can take it.”

“You're under contract right?” Tinkletoes asks quietly. “A little bird told me that you're scheduled to be on camera a lot this year. I wonder if your directors, producers, your agents are going to like it if something really bad happens to your pretty face. You need to ask yourself if you can afford a series of lawsuits because reconstructive surgery can take a long time to recover from. How long is it going to take before you start getting the really good roles again?”

“First of all, you don't scare me.” Monitor Man says calmly scrolling through his phone. “My calendar is full. I have a new project that I would like to start next year. I need this year's money for that. I can't do anything that requires a lot of press time...”

“This is an...” Tinkletoes says.

“appearance” Dobby says. “This is just an appearance.”

“Smiling and taking pictures with a lot of tiny high voiced fans.” Tinkletoes adds guiding Monitor Man into the kitchen and behind the podium. “I told you that Monitor Man and I were buds.” Tinkletoes announces. He is standing next to Monitor Man and has his arm draped around the actor's shoulder. “I have one more thing to share about my pending um...enlistment. Be reassured that you will be in good hands and stuff because Monitor Man is going to be with me the whole time. He's gonna be Vice President. Tell the entire magical world that Tinkletoes and Monitor Man are taking over the White House.”

Flashes go off amongst high pitched squeals of delight and rapid chatter.

Monitor Man turns and stares at Tinkletoes. “What did you just say?” He asks.

“Just nod and smile.” Tinkletoes says grinning. “Nod and smile.”

TP floats on the air between the self-proclaimed mercenary and the actor. “Silly Humans.” He giggles as a flash goes off memorializing the historical moment for all.

Carp looks away from the commotion in the kitchen when his phone vibrates, pulling it out of his pocket he reads the display. He scrolls, reads a little more, smiles and starts tapping away. “This is going to be so much fun.” He sings quietly to himself as he makes his way down the hall and into High Command.

Writer Lady hears the door to High Command open and close behind her. “I'm writing. This had better be good.” She says to her visitor without turning away from the monitor.

“It's fate. Fate's a good reason.” Carp says.

“What's happened?” Writer Lady asks turning around to find Carp butted up against the door scrolling through his phone at a furious pace.

“I knew it. Everything has shifted.” Carp mutters.

“What?”

“I knew this was a sign.”

“What is going on Carp?”

Carp holds his phone up to the light and mutters. “Ha ha! That's it! That's the stuff!”

“Carp!”

“It's Monitor Man. He's returned.” Carp says looking at Writer Lady.

“What?”

“Monitor Man...that incredibly pretty, talented, sexy man with the sweetest butt on either side of the Mississippi? He's here.”

Writer Lady smiles. “'That's nice. Did he come for a visit?” She asks.

“He came here for you.”

“Excuse me?”

“He came here for you.” Carp says. “You my dear are going to be swept away to somewhere romantic. Somewhere beautiful. Somewhere exotic. Or maybe just his place.” Carp takes Writer Lady by the hand and yanks her out of the Big Writing Chair. “Move your ass girl. It's time to pack.”

Writer Lady rights herself, “Wait a sec. Did Monitor Man say that he came here for me?”

“He showed up and he's yummy. We're running with it.” Carp says pulling on her hand.

“Where have I heard that before.” Writer Lady says dropping Carp's hand and sitting back down.

“Why else would he be here?” Carp asks. “Let's go! Your clothes are terrible. There's probably going to have to be shopping.”

Writer Lady doesn't move.

“He wouldn't have had to come all of this way again if you had just kissed him the last time that you saw him.”

“He said that he was seeing somebody.” Writer Lady argues.

“Girl you have got to learn to read people better. If you are standing in front of someone and talking to them you can say that you're seeing them. It doesn't make things permanent.”

“Do you have any idea how underhanded, conniving and slutty you sound right now?”

“Too Alexis Carrington?”

“Yes.”

“I checked all of my sources and they say that everything has shifted and now is the time for you and Monitor Man. It's fated.”

“If it's 'fated' then everything will fall into place whether I do anything or not. I will not get in between a couple. I don't do those things.”

“Don't worry I will.” Carp says.

“You won't either.” Writer Lady says.

“I don't know why you're so worried.”

“I have morals.” She says.

“Monitor Man dumped that girlfriend months ago.”

“What about the one that came after her?” Writer Lady asks.

“I checked with my sources there really isn't anyone special right now.” Carp says.

Writer Lady glares at Carp.

“It's true.” He says as he crosses his fingers behind his back.

“I'm not sure I believe you.”

“Come with me and find out. Please?”

Writer Lady doesn't move. “I don't need to—Fate remember?”

“Fate isn't asking you to do anything...just cooperate.” Carp says.

“I do want to say 'Hello'” Writer Lady says rising from her chair.

“Are you going to wear that?”

When The Bear Gets Past Security

“Space aliens. I was talking about shooting space aliens.”

There is a brief silence then a burst of activity and flashes go off.

“If you have a problem with space aliens what is your philosophy regarding the magical community?” A pixie asks looking at Tinkletoes scornfully.

“I want the beings of the magical community to be safe.” He answers.

“All of them?” Another pixie asks.

Tinkletoes looks at TP, Carp and Dobby for guidance turning back to the pixies he says, “Yeah.”

“That means pixies as well as faeries.” The first pixie says.

“As well as dragons and demons. DE-MONS!” Another pixie stresses in a high pitched voice.

“Dragons and demons too.” Tinkletoes agrees.

A new pixie enters the pool of peporters (those are pixie reporters just so you know) he stops and whispers something to the first pixie. “What about Ninja Zombies?”

“Um...um...” Tinkletoes says his mouth flopping open, closing, and flopping back open.

“Isn't it true that you do not like Ninja Zombies?”

Tinkletoes does not answer.

“Isn't it true that you helped destroy an entire generation of Ninja Zombies during their transition?” She asks.

“They took over a convention center and were destroying everything they could.”

“Didn't you...”

“It was a sci-fi convention.” Tinkletoes clarifies.

The pixies glare...seething with indignation.

“Browncoats were everywhere. In danger. I had to keep my crew safe. Dobby's mom, Writer Lady, and her sister The Lady With The Long Golden Hair were caught in the fray.” He says gesturing to Dobby with a nod of his head. “Monitor Man too. Without my help a lot of people would have died that day.”

The crowd is unimpressed.

“Wouldn't you have done the same? Wouldn't you have saved your friends?” He asks.

The new pixie whispers in the first pixie's ear. The pixie looks up, glares at Tinkletoes and says, “Monitor Man is your friend? My sources say that the last time you thought he was on his way over you put up a six foot barb wire fence around this house. Would you care to comment?”

“No I would not care to comment. Monitor Man and I are buds. We hang out all the time.”

“Really.” The pixie counters. “Because my sources say...”

“Your sources don't know squat.”

Several pixies start yelling at once. The high pitched squeals are less than attractive. Tinkletoes puts his hands to his ears to block out the sound turning to Dobby, Carp, TP and Dylan he says, “What the...heck is this?”

“This is running for President. Silly human.” TP giggles.

“I told you that there were easier ways to be called Commander.” Carp says.

Tinkletoes looks at the crowd of pixies that is making its way closer and closer to the podium. “How do I shut them up?”

“You don't.” TP says giggling.

“There has to be a way.” Tinkletoes says. “A good grenade would clear the room.” He says reaching into a pocket not finding what he is looking for he keeps checking pockets. “I don't have any grenades.”

“This is politics, no grenades allowed. At least not the kind that you're used to.”

Knock...knock

“So what do I do?” Tinkletoes asks.

Knock...knock...knock

“Is someone at the door?”

Knock...Knock...Knock!

“All these annoying pixies taking up space and no one can answer the damn door.” Tinkletoes says.

KNOCK...KNOCK...KNOCK!

“I'll get it.” He says looking at the mass of pissed off pixies. “At least I'll get a break from this.” Tinkletoes skirts...sorry he's a tough guy...pants his way past the crowd of pixies and answers the door.

“Hi.” Monitor Man says smiling.

Tinkletoes slams the door and stands with his back to it. “Speak of the devil. The bear is at the door.” He mutters. “I knew I should have left that barbed wire up.”

“Who is it?” Dobby asks.

Tinkletoes doesn't answer.

Carp enters the living room, “Well...?”

Nothing.

“You are acting strange today.” Carp walks around Tinkletoes and looks through the glass. “It looks like things just got a lot more interesting.” The assassin squeals with delight running around Tinkletoes and Dobby to throw open the front door. “HI!” Carp says. “Come on in!” He says grabbing Monitor Man by the arm and pulling. “It's cold outside but it's warm in here. Can I take your coat? Your shirt?”

Monitor Man slowly removes his coat. “Thank you. I'd like to keep wearing the rest of my clothes.”

He says.

“Suit yourself.” Carp says. “If you change your mind...” He says heading out of the room.

“Yeah.”

Carp stops in the hall and takes in a deep sniff of Monitor Man's coat before disappearing into Writer Lady's bedroom.

“Was he just smelling my coat?” Monitor Man asks Dobby.

The ginger tabby coughs uncomfortably. “TP put him under a spell. He has to sniff things like a dog would.”

“Watch out for your crotch.” Tinkletoes says with a wry grin.

Monitor Man shifts uncomfortably.

Tinkletoes' Platform

“You don't enlist.  You have to be elected.”  Carp says.

“I've always stood out among the competition.  This shouldn't be too hard.” Tinkletoes says.

“There are nearly twenty other candidates currently running for President.” Carp points out.

“Less than twenty huh?  Light competition.  You keep acting like this is gonna be hard or something.”

“You have to be chosen by a majority of your peers.”  Peter adds.

“I got along with everyone in my company.  I'll have no trouble getting elected.”

“He doesn't understand.”  Dylan says looking at TP.

TP spins midair and in a swirl of activity does a costume change.  The faerie appears in powdered wig, bleached shirt, waistcoat, frock coat and breeches as worn during colonial times.  TP clasps his hands behind him and begins the lesson.

“There has been a President of the United States since 1789.  He is an official elected by a majority in a general election.  These are not your exact peers.  The people you are counting on to elect you to office are the registered voters of this country.  They like a candidate who is a wealthy landowner.  He also needs to look good in a powdered wig.  A...choo!”  TP sneezes into a delicate handkerchief with elegant flourish.

“In other words, it's a popularity contest.” House's words carry into the kitchen from the bonus room.  “You know like in high school.  Who were the most well known people in high school?”

“The ones with the coolest cars.”  Tinkletoes answers.

“Tell us Tinkletoes...did you have a cool car?”   She asks.

“No.”  He admits.  “I enjoyed beating the tar out of the kids who did and the kids who made fun of the kids who didn't have cool cars and the kids who made fun of the kids that didn't have cars.  The kids that had bad attitudes.  The kids that didn't observe school rules.  The kids that were rude to the teachers and the janitor.”

“It sounds like you beat everybody up.”  Carp says.

“Only the people that didn't do what I told them.  High school kids can be pretty dense.”

“Can I be the one to tell him that he has to campaign for votes?  I really want to be the one to explain the whole being nice to people thing.”  House says.

“Something you need practice with darling.”  Mural Man's answer can be heard from the other room.

“I'll practice on you anytime.”  She purrs.

Dylan looks at Dobby and rolls his eyes.  “Grown-ups.”  He says.  The ginger tabby nods in agreement.

“You sir need to become a gentleman.”  TP says.

“Didn't we already do that?”  Carp and Mural Man ask simultaneously.

“You tried.”  Tinkletoes says with a grin.  “I am motivated to get this job.   I'll tell you what, I promise to shower, shave, and shine my combat boots everyday.”

“Hmm...” TP responds pacing back and forth through the air as he ponders Tinkletoes' proposal.

“I'll wear clean cammos too.”

TP looks at Tinkletoes without answering.

“I'll clean my gun and I promise to leave the grenades at home.”

“There are no grenades when running for office.”  Dylan informs Dobby.

“Oy vey.”  Carp groans shaking his head.

“Practice.  You need practice, sir.”  TP says.

“But before he practices he needs a platform.” Carp says.

“No I don't.  The ceiling is too low in this kitchen.   I don't need anything to stand on.”

“Not a platform.  A platform.”  Dobby says.

“I'm not wearing those ridiculous shoes either.  I was born in combat boots.  Combat boots are what I wear.”

“Your platform means what your views are on the issues dummy.”  House says.

“Darling.”  Mural Man warns.

“Sorry sugar lips.  It just slipped out.”

“Slipped out completely on purpose.”  Carp sings softly.

“What is your platform going to be?”   Dylan asks.

Tinkletoes thinks for a moment and says,  “That's simple.  Do what I say.   I have all the guns.”

“You need more than that sir.”  Founding Father TP says.

“Yes what about your stance on the issues?”  Carp asks.

“Stance?”  Tinkletoes repeats.

“You have to convince people that you are going to run the country in their best interests.”

“Why?”

“No one is going to vote someone into office that they know is going to make decisions that will affect them negatively.”   Carp explains.

“I'm running for President.  What I say goes.”

“He doesn't get it.”   Dylan says.

“How about this...what are your philosophies regarding the current issues in this country?”  Carp asks.

“Everyone is going to do what I tell them.  There won't be any issues.”

“Gun control.”  Carp says.

“I'll have all the guns.”

Everyone looks at Tinkletoes hoping for something better.

“Okay...the police and the military can keep their guns but they can only use them at work.”

“What about all of the private citizens that currently own firearms?”

“I'm taking those away.”

Light dims in the room then brightens.  Every open space has been filled with pixies.  Pixies with microphones, recording devices, and cameras of every sort in hand.  A voice squeals, “Over here Mr. Tinkletoes” and when Tinkletoes looks up a flash goes off from a vintage camera blinding him for a moment.

“What about the Constitution?”  One pixie asks.

“Don't you think questions about my health are a little bit personal?”  Tinkletoes asks.

“A citizen's right to bear arms.”  A second pixie prompts.

“I don't care what people wear.  If they want to go sleeveless it's fine by me.”  He says proudly.

“How do you feel about immigration?”  Another pixie asks.

Tinkletoes leans over and asks Dobby “What are they talking about?”

“What is your plan should aliens arrive at our borders.”   House whispers baiting Tinkletoes.

“All aliens will be shot on sight.”   Tinkletoes announces with a smile.

There is an uproar, all the pixies start chattering at once.

Tinkletoes feels a tug on his pant leg.  The self-proclaimed mercenary looks down.  “Make sure they know you're talking about space aliens.”

“Who'd they think I was talking about?”