Into The Fire

Knock, knock, knock!

Carp opens the bedroom door to find three pixies standing on the other side of it.

“Hi.”   Pixie One says.

“We wanted to stop by and say 'Hello'.”   Pixie Two says.

“Hello.”  Carp says and begins to shut the bedroom door.

“What are you doing?”  Writer Lady asks.

“Saying 'good-bye' to the snoops.”  Carp says as he closes the door the rest of the way.

“That isn't very polite.”  Writer Lady says.

“What they're here for isn't very polite either.”   He counters.

“Open the door Carp.”

“You're going to feel like you've been run over when they leave.   You'll never be sure which bus hit you.”

“How do you know?”  Writer Lady asks.

“They're pixies, they hang out with TP, they are part of the faerie press and they're females.  Hel-lo.”

Writer Lady crosses her arms and waits.

“If you're determined to be raked over those magical coals...well don't say I didn't warn you.”

“Open the door.”  Writer Lady says.

Carp opens the door.  “Ooops.  Sorry.  The door just slipped.”

All three pixies glare at him.  They cross the threshold into Writer Lady's bedroom and begin floating up stopping when they are eye level with Writer Lady.

“Hello.”   Writer Lady says.

“Hello.”   The three pixies answer in unison.

“The door shutting in your faces really was an accident.”  Carp says.

Pixie One turns to look at Carp.  She 'Hmms...' with indignation and turns back to Writer Lady.  “As I was saying.  We came to say 'Hello'.”

Pixie Two and Three chime in.  “Hello!”  Smiling enthusiastically.

“Hello”  Writer Lady repeats laughing a little.

“We would like to get to know the woman that has stolen Monitor Man's heart.  He is one of our most favorite humans.”

“I wouldn't say that I've stolen his heart.”

“You definitely have his interest.”  Pixie One says.

“How long have you had his interest?”  Pixie Two asks.

Writer Lady looks at Carp who mouths the words, “Told you.”

“My goodness that is a specific question.   A very specific question.”  She thinks for a moment, then says,  “I had no idea that Monitor Man had any interest in me whatsoever.”

“Really?”  Pixie One asks.

“I have not seen him since The Ninja Zombie War.”

Pixies One, Two and Three all take out recording devices and put them in Writer Lady's face.

“You haven't?”  Pixie One asks.

“I have not.”  Writer Lady repeats.

“You do not know of his break-up with Incredibly Hot Woman?  Are you not aware that he has been dating one woman after another never to settle in with any other starlet?   It is most unusual behavior.”   Pixie One says looking at Writer Lady accusingly.

“I'm sorry he's having a tough time?”  Writer Lady offers.

“I...we have been reporting since the early days of Hollywood.  We see patterns of behavior.  We know that Monitor Man flits from woman to woman like this when he's trying to throw us off.” Pixie One says.

“He's hiding something.”  Pixie Two adds.

“We think it's you.”  Pixie Three finishes.

“Is it?”  Pixie Two asks.

“You?”  Pixie Three continues.

“Me?”  Monitor Man asks.  “No.  This budget is the work of Tinkletoes.  As you can see he worked really hard on it.”  He says looking at the display behind him.

Tinkletoes' Budget

$2,000.00/mnth Cupcakes

$500,000.00/mnth Guns, Knives and Ammo

Two Million/mnth Lightsaber Research and Development

Twenty Million/mnth Space Alien Defense

Twenty Million/mnth Zombie Apocalypse Prevention

I will need $42,522,000/mnth not including Room, Board, Medical, Dental, Living Expenses and Walking Around Money.

The pixie press begins protesting the moment Monitor Man stops talking. Tinkletoes enters the kitchen, walking past the crowd of pixies and joining him at the podium.

“How's it going?”  Tinkletoes whispers, smiling for the crowd.

“Not good.   Not good at all.”   Monitor Man says.

“Did you mention that the $2,000/month was for the really fancy cupcakes?” Tinkletoes asks.

“Yes.  They still don't like the budget.”

“Do they know how fancy the cupcakes are?”  Tinkletoes asks.

“Yes.  I even told that you would share.”  Monitor Man says.

“That's the problem.  They know that I would never do that.”  He whispers.

“They keep shaking their heads and asking why Writer Lady isn't baking the cupcakes.”

“She won't have time.  She will be too busy following me around and calling me 'Commander'.”

Feeling a tug on his pant leg Tinkletoes looks down to find Dylan looking up at him.  Dylan crooks his finger and Tinkletoes squats down for more information.

“It's not about the $2,000 cupcake.   It's the forty million a month.”  Dylan says.

Tinkletoes looks up at Monitor Man who looks down and nods.

Tinkletoes stands up and glares at Monitor Man.

“Why didn't you tell me?”   Tinkletoes asks.

“I was working my way up the list.”  He says.

“It's okay.” Tinkletoes calls out to the crowd, taking his place in front of the microphone.  “The forty million a month does not go to just one thing.   Twenty million is for Space Alien Defense and twenty goes to Zombie Apocalypse Prevention.”

The crowd starts booing.

“This is ridiculous.”  One pixie calls out.

“Who's paying for this?”  Another pixie calls.

“Humans, all they do is spend, spend, spend.”

“You humans are all alike.”  A pixie in the front row says.   “You're afraid of anything that is a little bit different.”

Tinkletoes looks at Monitor Man, then looks back at the crowd.  “Afraid?  No we aren't afraid.  As a human, I'll explain it to you.  We are not afraid.   We just like to kill things before they have the chance to kill us.  We are protecting ourselves and all of you.  That money will see to it that no zombies or space aliens get the opportunity to wipe us out.”

“Like you protected yourself from those innocent Ninja Zombies?”  A pixie calls.

The booing grows louder.

Tinkletoes turns his head towards Monitor Man and whispers, “Now is the time, when the chips are down that we do what all great politicians do.”

“What is that?”

“Declare the party over.”  Tinkletoes whispers.

“So?”  Pixie Three asks.

“Is it?”  Pixie One continues.

Writer Lady looks to Carp for direction.

He mouths the question, “Having fun?”

“He is not hiding me.  I have been here the whole time.  Until recently I thought that Monitor Man found me as interesting as his annual prostate exam.”

“No, no, no...”  Pixie Two giggles.

“He hates those.”  Pixie Three says.  “Do you remember the time Monitor Man had the flu?”

“When he had the really high fever?”  Pixie Two nods.  “He kept saying, 'No Doc, don't ask me to bend over.  I don't want to bend over.' ”

Pixie One starts giggling as well until she sees Writer Lady smiling.  The pixie retreats back to her serious stance and says.  “Are you saying that you didn't know about this?”  Pixie One rewinds her recorder and presses play.

“So Monitor Man what kind of woman has caught your eye?  She must be something to draw your attention from Incredibly Hot Woman.  Which rising starlet is it?   Give us a hint.”  The interviewer asks.

“I won't give you any names.   I want to respect her privacy.  Besides, I don't even know if she would like a guy like me.”  Monitor Man grins.  “I will tell you this she's bright, funny and independent.  Oh and kind of spunky.”

Writer Lady pales and looks at Carp.

“Told you.”   He says.

The bedroom door bursts open.

“Okay, that's it.  The party's over!”   Tinkletoes calls out.  “It's time for you ladies to go.”   He says looking at the pixies.