In Carp's Words

“You said it man.”  Ray agrees.

Ray and Dylan high five.

“Try again.” Dylan says looking at Carp.

“I was not complete until you arrived?”

“They were fighting off ninja zombies and she's thinking that?  No way man.”  Ray comments.

“I think she said 'Duck'.  A lot.”  Dylan says.

“You weren't there.  Her thoughts were racing, her heart aflutter.”

Ray makes a face.  Dylan raises both hands, their tops next to each shoulder.  He faces them outward and wiggles his fingers, mimicking a fluttering of wings.

“She was at risk of losing her feminine poise, at risk of going completely wild with abandon.”

Ray fans himself and Dylan pretends to faint.

“All she wanted was to keep Monitor Man safe until that fateful moment when they could be alone.”

Carp closes his eyes and puckers up.  TP appears and placing a tiny hand on each of Carp's cheeks, the faerie gives the would be assassin a loud smooch on the lips leaving a tiny imprint of bright pink lipstick on Carp's mouth.  The assassin looks like he has been sucking lemons.   Tiny lemons.   TP disappears just before Carp opens his eyes.

“Who just kissed me?”  Carp asks.

“I don't know,”  Ray says,  “but you've got lipstick on your mouth.”

“Look for someone who's wearing lipstick.”  Dylan says.

Carp looks around the room, studying everyone closely.  “Ah-a!   TP is wearing lipstick.  That wasn't funny faerie.”

“Duude...keep looking.”  Ray says.

Carp's eyes continue to pan the room.  He notices that Peter is wearing lipstick, so is Paige,  Aunt Purdy is too.   Furnatche, Dobby, Spots and Smudge all have the bright pink goo on their mouths.  Diomedes is entirely pink including his lips. When the dragon opens his great mouth, Bugsy his stomach bug is wearing pink lipstick too.  Carp quietly turns around returning to his seat, taking out a handkerchief he wipes the lipstick from his mouth, a man on a mission.  “As I was saying...she opened Monitor Man's letter and as she read it her cold and desolate heart warmed, fluttering to life.  From the moment she saw Monitor Man she realized that none of her time on this planet had meaning until he arrived.  She knew that from that moment on she existed only to take care of him.  When Monitor Man was kidnapped, she immediately found him because her heart was the receiver and his gave off the GPS signal.”

“Dude..hearts with GPS?”

“Yes.  I call it, 'The GPS Love Signal.'  Nothing could keep Writer Lady from Monitor Man.  When she discovered what happened she tracked down her man. A woman in love, merciless in her pursuit.”

“Didn't Monitor Man leave her clues?  Like pie or something?”  Ray asks.

“It was the scent of pie and a carefully coded message that only her heart could understand.”

“I understand pie.”  Ray says.

“My stomach gets pie.”  Dylan adds.

“Is this my recollection or yours?”   Carp asks, sounding annoyed.

“Duuude...please continue.”

“Writer Lady scaled walls, pushed past obstacles, tearing down everything in her path.”

A crowd gathers around listening closely because...hey, this is getting exciting.

“When she busted the door down, she found Monitor Man tied up, unconscious.  Barely clinging to life.”

“That's not what I heard.”   Dylan says.

“Yeah.   Wasn't he like...napping?”

“Barely clinging to life.”  Carp repeats.  “She brought him back to consciousness, pulling him out of his fiery grave.   As he grew stronger they gathered their resources, trained, made their plans and went into battle saving us all from death by Ninja Zombie.   As they fought side by side, man and woman, heart and soul she discovered that Monitor Man was with another.  He had already offered his heart to someone else.  When the war was over they parted ways.

Upon returning home she fell ill.  Her heart became diseased with loneliness, grief, and despair.  He was her only purpose and he threw her over some tart of the month.   Writer Lady was strong even at her weakest.  She worked hard pulling herself from the darkest depths of her grief to heal and try to recover what was left of her heart hoping that some day Monitor Man would feel the same.  After he dumped that stupid tart off the closest pier.”

“Someone has feelings of resentment.”   House says.

“It is their destiny.  Besides, it takes one to know one.”  Carp says.

Tinkletoes and Monitor Man cross the room.   They stand behind Carp and listen.

  “The Ninja Zombie War was the most amazing experience of her life.   Tell Monitor Man that she's spent every hour of every day since then dreaming of the moment he would return to her.” 

Ray glares at Carp for a brief interval. 

“And...she would gladly give him his every desire if he would always keep her with him.”

“Really?”  Monitor Man says.   He looks at Tinkletoes and asks, “Does that sound like Writer Lady to you?”

“Not the one that I know.”   Tinkletoes responds.

“Don't buy it man.”   Ray says looking at Monitor Man.  “Our Writer Lady doesn't talk like that.” 

“A woman in love...”  Carp sings.

“A Writer Lady with a crush maybe.”   Tinkletoes suggests making a face, uncertain of his words.

“Not a Writer Lady in love.”   Ray finishes.

“Maybe this isn't a good time for this project.”  Monitor Man says.   He looks at Tinkletoes and points to Carp shaking his head, “We are running for office.”

“No you should do this.”  Tinkletoes says.   “We'll figure out a way to do both.”

 A door can be heard opening and closing.  Writer Lady enters the room carrying a stack of printed pages.  She hands them to Monitor Man.   “I haven't been able to sleep.  Carp isn't going to give you accurate information.  This is a fictionalized version of what took place that day.  A rough draft anyway.  This might help you write the script you were hoping for.   Read it.  Call me if you need anything.  I will answer all of your questions.”

Monitor Man looks at the pages, the title reads, Monitor Man, A Writer Lady, and the Ninja Zombie War.

She continues.  “I have no idea what you've heard from Carp but I wanted to let you know that...I did not know what you would be like in real life.   When the war started and things got rough you were there with me and we got through it. You are not what I expected.  Once a person is able to reconcile the reality with their preconceptions...”   Writer Lady sighs.  “In other words, I'm glad that I met you.  You're a nice man.  My life is richer for the time that we have spent together.  Thank you for starting a war and thank you for coming back.”

“Thank you.”  Monitor Man says, admiring his gift.  “I may need you to consult.”

“I would be happy to help.”  She says, smiling briefly.   Writer Lady turns to go hoping to find some peace and a little sleep.  Turning back around she says, “I'm sorry that I um...you know...in the dark.” 

Monitor Man smiles remembering their private moment in the kitchen.   “It's okay.”  He says.

Writer Lady smiles and starts to leave the room.  She stops and asks, “Has anyone seen the boys?”

“I did.  A few minutes ago.”  Carp says.

“We all did.  Why?”   Mural Man asks.

“Things have gotten really quiet.  Too quiet.”

Dylan looks at Ray,  “How can it be too quiet with all of these people here?”  He asks.

“She doesn't mean, quiet quiet.”  Tinkletoes says.

“She means kitten quiet.”  Monitor Man says, finishing the definition.

Writer Lady nods, “No crumpled paper being mauled, no headboard banging against the bedroom wall...”

“No thumping of padded feet.”  Monitor Man says.

Tinkletoes looks around,  “Dobby's AWOL too.”

“They're doing stuff.”  Dylan announces.  He looks at Ray and says,   “I get really quiet when I'm doing stuff I'm not supposed to.”

Writer Lady looks at Tinkletoes.

“You have a long list of stuff that they aren't supposed to do.”  Tinkletoes says.

“We'd better start looking.”  She says.