Not Another Christmas Romance PT 1

*For my cousin Jennifer and everyone else who loves a cheesy Christmas romance.  


It's hard to believe that my life started seven years ago. Seven years ago, when everything that I knew and loved about it left town. In order to tell you how I got here, we have to go back there. To 2009. This should be quick and relatively painless. If you aren't me at least. 

2009--

The clock turned six a.m. and the music started. “I'll Be Home For Christmas” by The Carpenters. I reached out for...I'm not going to say his name because on this day he had only been gone for six weeks. My voice would still catch if I said his name. He was “My Ex” for the first three months. Six months on birthdays, anniversaries, and other days that we had considered important as a couple.

“I wonder what would happen if I left a note at the radio station asking them to only play this song between the hours of 8 am and 6 pm.”

“They would think that it was a joke and probably play it anytime except between 8 am and 6 pm.”

I glared at my brother as he stood in my bedroom doorway.

“Hey, it's a small town. They have to find their entertainment some place.”

“What are you doing here Ben? How did you get in?”

Ben threw the spare key at me that I keep at my parent's place.

“Dad sent me. We are to pack up the dipshit's...shit.”

“Don't call him that.”

“He didn't know what he had and he broke my sister's heart. He's a dipshit.” Ben held up a box. “What room should I start in?”

“None of them.”

“Carrie...you don't think that he might come back, do you?”
“It's Christmas. People see the errors of their ways and do wonderful things at Christmas. Besides it's only been six weeks.”

“He isn't coming back.”

“You never know. Zelda read my tea leaves and she said...”

Ben shook his head, “He isn't coming back.”

“I know that tea leaves are silly and something that should only be read for fun.” A newspaper landed on the bed in front of me.

“He isn't coming back.”

I looked down at the newspaper. A wedding announcement taking up a whole quarter of a page verified what my brother was saying. The dipshit was smiling at me plain as day cuddling his new wife.

“How long does it take to plan a wedding?” Ben asked.

“A quick one that's still nice? At least six weeks. He walked out of my house and proposed to her.”

“Probably the same day.” Ben said. “So. Which room should I start in?”

“Start in here, with the random clothes he left behind.” I answered as I got out of bed. “I'll make you some breakfast.”

“I already ate Sis.”

“Just coffee?”

Ben nodded.

“Coffee will help me think. I have to figure out what to do with the stuff once it's been packed.”

“It's okay. I've got it covered.”

My eyes teared up and my voice cracked a little. “Thanks Ben.”

“It's no problem Carebear. I'll just drop it off to his Mom on the way home. She works at the homeless shelter.”

I was on my way out of the room when I heard Ben whisper.
 “This box can sit next to the other donations.” 

The 2010 incident came and went a lot more quietly. The alarm went off, the song played, I threw a pillow at it, cried in my other pillow for the rest of the song, ate cookies for breakfast, took a shower, and moved on with my day.

When 2011 came I was over What's His Name. The song played. I listened quietly and lingered in bed as a new day began. I marveled at my lack of sadness upon hearing the tune, my growth, my inner strength. I remember smiling. The words “It's a sign” crossed my lips. I basked in my new found contentment.

In 2012, I woke to “I'll Be Home For Christmas,” knowing that nothing had changed and any signs from last year had been meant for someone else. It was all a huge load of crap and I was not listening to the damn song next year. I would definitely be writing that letter to the radio station.

In 2013 the radio station played “I'll Be Home For Christmas,” by the Carpenters. All The Time. If they had three minutes and fifty seconds that they did not know what to do with they played the song. I sent the letter and just as Ben predicted, they took my request and ran with it. Assholes. I was not listening to that damn song again. Next year...I would be ready.

I was. 2014 dawned sunny and bright, one December morning they played the song. I took aim. Unfortunately I don't know much about firearms. I stopped the music when I took out the alarm clock. I also took out the wall behind it. I was thrown back against my headboard which hit the wall behind it too hard. The headboard became one with the drywall. I bruised my shoulder pretty good too. Never ask a little old lady if you can borrow a firearm. Little old ladies tend to carry more firepower than they will ever need.

“Mom wonders why men don't ask you out.” Ben said as he grinned from the doorway to my bedroom.

Word got around about the incident. How could it not? “I'll Be Home For Christmas” was not played again in 2014.

The first time I heard it in 2015 the day had dawned...it was well before dawn actually. I woke to the feeling of something sharp puncturing my toe. I moved a little bit, pulling my foot out of target range, which only hastened the assault. It quickly turned into a game. Two fully armed attackers against one half-asleep human. The kittens that I had adopted a few months before decided that it was time to get up. It was a joy to wake to such sweet faces. I laughed so much during our game that I barely noticed the music.

Song morning started abruptly in 2016. I was lingering in bed, mentally laughing at how much I used to hate “I'll Be Home For Christmas”.

Whoosh. Next came the sound of tinkling glass. I know that sound. “The Tree.” I raced out of bed to find the kitten standing on the tree looking triumphant, proud of her new kill. The tree had been subdued and was now laying on its side.

“Down.” I said, clapping my hands and chasing her away. “Nothing is broken.” I said to myself as I put the tree back in an upright position. It was still dark. I took a look at the clock. Five-Thirty? “Five-thirty? Really kitty?” All three cats lined up and listened to me for a moment. Soon they lost interest and began racing through the house, jumping across furniture, using the back of the couch to ricochet off of for their zero point turn, rustling the Christmas tree's branches but never touching it. “I'll make some coffee. There's no sleeping through the ruckus you three are making. Just remember that it is Sunday. I am home today. When you go to sleep I will be waking you up...every chance I get.” All three cats stopped in front of me. They looked at me, looked at each other, and took off again at a full sprint.

I heard the sound of something being knocked over in another room of the house. “I heard that. Leave that alone. It's not yours!”

As it turned out the source of the noise was not feline. Ben walked into the kitchen as I was nodding off, waiting for my brew. “It's like you have kids not cats Sis.”

“I haven't lost it completely. I'm not like Aunt Ethel with her 15 house cats.”

“Talking to cats like they’re kids? I hate to tell you this Carrie but you passed up Aunt Ethel months ago.”

I glared at my brother.

“What are you doing here?”

“I bought something for Tiffany. Can I hide it here?” He asked.

I nodded. “Remember the rules.”

“Wrap it first. Hide it yourself or we may never see it again.” Ben pulled a small rectangular wrapped box from his pocket and started looking around.

“Keep it out of the cats' reach. They know how to unwrap presents.” I called after him.

Pirate's Epilogue

With Pirate’s return and the waning of The Lady With The Long Golden Hair’s Treimhse Ar Adoration, it does not take long to put House back together. She wants many improvements none of which she receives. Writer Lady’s excuse is that the house has been through so much already, wouldn’t it be nice to rest for a bit. House does not think so but cannot get anyone to take her side.

“Isn’t this nice, everyone sitting together?” Aunt Purdy asks.

The entire group is crowded into the living room. Pirate sits on the couch. The Lady With The Long Golden Hair sits on one side of him, Writer Lady, the other. Monitor Man stands by the front door. Carp stands next to him. Tinkletoes stands in front of the entry way between the living room and the kitchen.

“Do you get the feeling that Pirate is the reason for this gathering?” Carp asks Monitor Man. “It almost feels like an intervention.”

“Or a firing squad.” Tinkletoes says.

“When Pirate first came to me,” The Lady With The Long Golden Hair begins, “he was deeply saddened and angry with himself. I will not share details, those are not important. He told me about something that he had done that he was not happy about and asked me for punishment. After much thought, I agreed to it. He stayed with me and served as my champion. With all that has happened and all of the progress that has been made, especially with all he has done during this most recent period of adoration, I have decided that it is time for Pirate’s punishment to be over. He has served me and served me well. He has faced many demons, several of his own. He has been victorious time and time again.”

Tinkletoes leans over and whispers. “That’s what a woman looks for. Stamina.”

Writer Lady looks at Carp. Carp smacks Tinkletoes on the back of the head. She nods.

“I want to tell him that he is no longer bound to me in any way. What he does from this day forward is of his own choosing. I wanted to announce it in front of witnesses. He will argue if I don’t have witnesses.”

“Pirates don’t argue Milady. We listen then do what we want to.”

“What are you going to be doing now?” Writer Lady asks.

Pirate looks at Writer Lady then The Lady With The Long Golden Hair. His eyes pan the room looking at all of the faces. He spots something shiny in the corner of the room and smiles. The smile disappears as quickly as it appears. “First I must see the Lady With The Long Golden Hair back home. Her lodgings must be put to rights.”

Pirate leaves with The Lady With The Long Golden Hair. There is still much to be done at her house. A new champion will need to be found as well.

The children play as the adults visit. A writer lady doesn’t visit Faerie every day does she? Dylan runs through the room, chased by his brother and the baby dragon. The boy stops on his way out of the room and asks, “Where did the magic sword go?”

“It’s in the corner. TP is taking it back to Faerie later.”

“I don’t see it.” Dylan says.

“It’s in the corner Sweetie.”

Peter looks at all four corners of the room. “No, it isn’t.” He says.

“That means...” Monitor Man says.

“It means that Pirate is running loose with Excalibur.” Writer Lady begins looking under the couch, in other rooms. In the refrigerator. Hey, you never know. “This is not good. Not good at all.”

“Hey. Doesn’t that mean Pirate’s the Queen of England now?” Tinkletoes asks.

P.S. If anyone meets a pirate wielding a magic sword please tell him that the Queen of England would like to have Excalibur back now.

Excalibur and The Pirate

Pirate looks at the sword. It is displayed prominently in Lady Gray’s solar. The light illuminating it pulses gently.

Lady Gray jumps on to the platform the sword, scabbard, and stand are on. She rubs her body along the side of the sword. “Excalibur, wake my lovely, you have a visitor.”

The pulsing stops. A glow that travels from the tip of the sword travels up until it illuminates the weapon all the way to the end of its hilt.

“You may remove Excalibur from her bed to speak with her now.” Lady Gray says.

Pirate slowly reaches up and removes the sword from her scabbard. He holds it up in front of him and waits.

“Tell her what you told me.” The smokey gray kitten instructs.

Pirate tells the story again. When he finishes the hilt’s glow travels down towards the tip of the sword. The hilt is no longer illuminated.

“There is something wrong. You are not being completely honest about who you are.”

Pirate takes a breath and begins talking. Fast. “I know Luv. If I speak the words out loud then all of The Lady With The Long Golden Hair’s magic will disappear. I need that magic to save her.”

The glowing begins to travel back towards the hilt. Illuminating half of it.

“There is another way.” Lady Gray says. “You must put your finger to Excalibur’s tip. She must taste your blood.”

Pirate makes a face.

“It is the only way to keep your secret Sir.”

He lays Excalibur on the floor. Laying down next to it, he reaches out and puts an index finger to its tip. A drop of blood is left on the sword. Within moments it is once again glowing completely.

“It appears Excalibur is in your charge Pirate. Stay true to her and to your cause. When you are finished you can either thank her for her help and tell her that it is time to return to Faerie for a rest or you are more than welcome to come back to Faerie and return her to me in person.”

“Thank you Milady. The Lady With The Long Golden Hair and I are most grateful.”

“Don’t tell me that. Stay true to Excalibur and she will feel your gratitude.”

Gordon the Giant’s hand breaks through the window glass knocking down, nothing. Everyone manages to get out of the way. The giant’s eye glares into the house. They scoot back and watch as Gordon begins to tear away the window frame with one hand.

“My glass. My frame!” House screams.

Dylan and Furnatche look at each other. Dylan crooks a finger at his older brother Peter gesturing for him to lean down. He whispers something, Peter nods, runs into the kitchen, and returns with a loaded plate. The tow headed four year old and the baby dragon take their places in front of Gordon’s eye. Dylan picks up a carrot. The dragon steps forward, sniffs, then sits back down and waits. Dylan puts down the carrot and picks up an apple. Furnatche sniffs, he swishes his tail and then sits back down. Dylan replaces the apple with an onion. The dragon sniffs, whimpers, and sits back down.

Gordon tilts his head. He curiously waits for whatever is coming next.

Dylan picks up a piece of chocolate. The baby dragon’s eyes light up. He wags. “Furnatche. No! Aunt Purdy says that chocolate gives you diarrhea.” The boy lifts the piece of chocolate to the window and says, “Chocolate?”

Gordon accepts the candy and devours it.

Dylan holds up a cookie. Furnatche’s nose changes. Several tendrils emerge from around the outside of the dragon’s nose. Each tendril has a small bean (like you would see on the end of a sprout). The tendrils move back forth around the dragon’s nose. Each bean opening and closing as it takes in the cookie’s scent.

To Gordon it is an amazing sight. The giant is entranced. Everyone, especially House, breathes a sigh of relief.

“Super Smeller, we call this Furnatche’s Super Smeller nose.” Dylan says as he looks at Gordon.

The Lady With The Long Golden Hair watches smiling. Diomedes and Ray stand next to her on either side.

“Her Ladyship, now would be an excellent time to get you out of harm’s way. Let me introduce you to a most fascinating place.” Diomedes says, “It is called a ‘bathroom’.”

“Duuude.” Ray says. “Excellent idea.”

The three quietly exit the room.

Gordon continues watching Dylan and Furnatche for several minutes. Amazed by the baby dragon’s nose, disappointed when the tendrils disappear. He then becomes happy when they reappear as if the giant has never seen it before that moment.

Then Dylan runs out of food. “There’s no more.” He says. The beans close and the tendrils around the baby dragon’s nose droop. “Uh oh.”

Gordon looks away from Dylan and Furnatche. The giant looks further into the living room. He’s looking for The Lady With The Long Golden Hair.

“GRRRR!!!” The giant growls and takes out his frustration on the other side of the window frame. Then he begins pushing against the house.

“My foundation! My foundation!” House screams.

The carport and Writer Lady’s car disappear, a small strip of meadow appears in its place. A silver unicorn with two riders, the first with a glowing sword lifted to his enemies enters the driveway.

Pirate turns Siva to face Gordon. “Gor-don!” He calls. “Gordon Behold.”

“Gordon Behold?” Writer Lady whispers in Pirate’s ear.

“I’m a bit new at this. If you don’t mind.” He whispers back. Pirate turns Siva to face the mob of men, animals, and mystical creatures standing in the street and various neighbor’s yards. “Hear me male creatures. You have been enchanted by magic. You do not belong here. Her ladyship does not fancy you. It is time for you to go.”

“Says who?” One of the policemen ask.

“Me.” Pirate says.

Several men laugh.

Siva snorts and stamps his hoof.

“What now?” Writer Lady asks.

“I don’t know.” Pirate says.

“You have to do something.”

“Enchanted swords don’t come with instructions, do they?” He asks.

“No.” She answers.

“Would you please dismount my steed so that I might work properly.”

“But if you don’t know what you’re doing...”

“Milady. Please.”

Writer Lady jumps from Siva’s back and takes a place near the closest door to the house.

Siva steps forward just as Leitis arrives with Tinkletoes and Monitor Man on her back. The white unicorn walks to Writer Lady’s side and stops.

“Get thrown off the bus already?” Tinkletoes asks, grinning. He looks at Monitor Man. “I told you that she’d be too bossy to ride with him.”

“I’m not bossy. I was...helping.”

“Helping?” He looks at Monitor Man. “That’s when she questions your every move.”

“Not every move.”

Leitis snorts then shakes her head.

“You need to get off Leitis.” Writer Lady says.

Leitis shakes her head.

Monitor Man dismounts.

Leitis snorts.

“Tinkletoes get down.”

“Me? No. It’s time to do man things.” He says with a smile.

Leitis smoothly bucks Tinkletoes off of her back, turns, and goes back to Faerie.

Tinkletoes is laying in a pile on the driveway next to a trash can.

“He looks very manly doesn’t he?” Monitor Man asks.

Pirate continues forward and faces the crowd of males. He lowers the sword, holds it to his head, closes his eyes. The sword begins to hum. Sounding as if lightning itself is growing within Excalibur’s blade. Pirate raises his hand once again. He waves the sword in the air above the crowd. A bright flash of light is expelled from the sword , its rays covering any who have been enchanted by the unconstrained magic of The Lady With The Long Golden Hair.

“It is time good men. You must go home.” He calls.

Slowly, one by one, every man, every animal, every mystical male creature take their leave. All except one.

Gordon the Giant is quiet. He sits in front of the picture window looking at Pirate, Tinkletoes, Monitor Man, and Writer Lady. The giant then peers through the picture window and longingly into the house.

Tinkletoes looks at Writer Lady and says, “Why isn’t he going?”

“He likes the view? How should I know.” She says.

Pirate puts Excalibur back into her scabbard, rides to the rest of the group, and dismounts Siva. “I think I know what needs to be done.” He looks at the silver unicorn. “Thank you Siva for serving us so well. I will send word to Lady Gray describing your loyalty, speed, and bravery.”

Siva bobs his head, neighs, and takes the entrance back to Faerie.

Pirate enters the house followed by the others. Within minutes he is standing on the front step next to The Lady With The Long Golden Hair.

“Thank you Gordon.” She says. “Thank you for your loyalty and kindness. Thank you for protecting me. Pirate has returned and I am safe. You may go now.”

Gordon smiles. He heads for the open entry to Faerie, walks into it, and the entry closes behind him. The giant is gone.

Lady Gray

“Where are we gonna find one of those?” Tinkletoes asks.

Everyone looks at Writer Lady.

“I have to have all of the answers now?”

“You did come all this way to take over.” Tinkletoes says. “You might as well.”

Writer Lady mutters and looks around. She sees two figures on horseback in the distance. As the figures come into sight, she recognizes who or rather what they are. Ogres.

“We could just wait to be captured.” Writer Lady says. She looks at Tinkletoes, “What are they doing here?”

Tinkletoes watches the ogres and says, “They look relaxed, they're riding at a leisurely pace." He squints. "I’m not sure they can see us." Tinkletoes looks at Writer Lady and says, "It’s probably just your standard patrol.”

“Why wouldn’t they see us? Haven’t you all been on this road for a while? Why didn’t they see you earlier in the day?”

“Ahh...” Pirate says. “That would be the magic. Ogres only see magic. Magic is the only real threat to Lady Gray or the Graylands. None of us have enough magic to be noticed.”

“We blend in?” Monitor Man asks.

“In your case, yes, literally and figuratively. After the ogres have gotten a look at us the others will see us as well.”

“The pretty boy blends into the woodwork.” Tinkletoes says with a grin. He looks at Monitor Man. “I bet you never expected to be invisible, did you?”

“If we’ve been invisible in The Graylands so far, then what changed?” Monitor Man asks.

Leitis nudges Pirate’s hand with her nose. He absentmindedly complies. “Most likely these two.”

Black Buck the Antelope agrees. “He’s right. Unicorns are highly magical. They have also become very rare in many parts of Faerie. A unicorn usually means one of two things: lost travelers or illness.”

“Lady Gray would want to know what we have brought to her lands.” Pirate says.

The two ogres approach. Everyone tenses up. The humans do at least.

“Greetings. I am Arnwolf of Castle Glas. How may we serve you?”

Everyone looks at each other. Well...the humans do.

The silver unicorn neighs.

“Siva, you have returned.” Arnwolf says looking at the silver unicorn. “Her Ladyship will be most pleased to see you.”

The silver unicorn, or Siva, neighs and scrapes at the ground with his hoof. He walks over to meet Arnwolf with Leitis in tow.

The ogre reaches out to greet Siva and then Leitis. “I see that you’ve found a friend. Lady Gray will be most pleased.”

Pirate leans over and whispers to Writer Lady, “I do believe that we may have found our “In”.”

Writer Lady nods.

The ogres once again address the visitors. “How may we serve you?”

Tinkletoes coughs but no one speaks. Tinkletoes takes a few steps and stands next to Monitor Man. The self-proclaimed mercenary nudges the actor with his shoulder.

“We would like an audience with Her Ladyship.” Monitor Man answers.

“Yes. Of course. Follow us.”

“How are things, really? Pirate asks Writer Lady as the group follows their escort.

“With the Lady With The Long Golden Hair?”

He nods.

“Fine. Tense but quiet. The giant is a little bit unusual. It’s so quiet. I have been wondering why we are working so hard to procure Excalibur. I don’t know if we'll need to use it.”

“You have not dealt with the Treimhse Ar Adoration before. Things tend to get ugly very quickly Milady. When a giant is around, a champion is in need of a much bigger stick.”

Dylan and Furnatche run to the picture window to see where all of the music is coming from. They see the parade led by the police cars, lights merrily flashing, coming towards the house. So does Gordon. A strange noise comes from him, growing into a rumble that rattles the ground. The giant rises to his full height. He roars, tightening all of his upper body muscles at the same time.

The parade of admirers keeps advancing.

“Duuuuude.” Ray says.

“He stole that move from the Hulk.” Carp says looking at Ray. “Do you think he knows?”

“It didn’t work.” Dylan observes. “Does it matter?”

Gordon begins thrashing around, attacking anything and everything within his reach. Within seconds, a hand is headed straight for the picture window.

“Oh sh….”

“Please make yourselves comfortable. Her ladyship will be with you shortly.”

Writer Lady, Pirate, Tinkletoes, Monitor Man, and Black Buck the Antelope have all been led to a sitting area at the far end of Castle Glas’ Great Hall. Everyone, except the antelope, sits down in elaborate handcrafted chairs made of dark woods and rich fabrics. They take in their surroundings, paying attention to the beautiful work that has been put into everything around them.

Tinkletoes looks around. “I wonder where she’s gonna be sittin’.”

“There is only one throne here.” Black Buck the Antelope points out.

“Look at it.” Tinkletoes says. “It’s all beat up and stuff. The wood looks scratched, the upholstery is torn up.” He looks at Writer Lady. “It kinda looks like some of your furniture.”

Writer Lady glares at Tinkletoes for a moment and says, “Maybe she has a cat.”

A pair of ogres enter the hall. Each take position on either side of the throne.

One of them says, “All rise for the Ancient One, Lady Gray, Keeper of Castle Glas, Protector of the Graylands, and Trusted Advisor to The Lady of the Lake.” Both ogres say. “Long Live The Cream.”

A smokey gray kitten with matching gray eyes enters the Great Hall along a wooden beam that runs just below the ceiling. She continues along several beams and follows a set of stairs to rest gracefully on the seat of her throne.

“Maybe she’s a cat.” Monitor Man says.

“That gives getting some pu.” Tinkletoes feels a slap on the back of his head before he has a chance to finish the word.

Writer Lady glares at him.

“It does.”

“Hello.” Lady Gray purrs. “Welcome to my home. How may I serve you?”

There is no answer.

“Does no one require help?” She asks.

Pirate stands up. “I do.”

Writer Lady reaches out and touches him on the arm. She nods and smiles at him. Pirate turns to Lady Gray and tells her absolutely everything.

“That is why I need Excalibur.” He finishes.

“I need you to do something for me before this can go any further. Do you see the window over there? Next to the square made of stone?”

“Yes.”

“I need you to stand by it. I need to look into your soul.”

“He’s a pirate. Pirates are bad.” Tinkletoes says. “What’s the point?”

“He’s right.” Pirate agrees. “There’s nothing good to be had.”

Lady Gray looks at Pirate. Pirate crosses the room and stands next to the stone square.

“I thought that you humans would be more enlightened by now. All is not black or white. Good or bad.”

Lady Gray crosses the hall and jumps on to the stone square that stands next to Pirate. She raises her head for a pet and nips at his hand when he obliges her request for attention. She does not draw blood but does break through the topmost layer of skin releasing the essence of the buccaneer’s soul. The smokey kitten inhales deeply, taking it in. “You are on a journey Pirate. A long journey. A journey for your soul. The further you travel, the less time you spend in darkness and more in light.” She looks at Pirate and studies his face. She licks at the wounded finger. “You are motivated by...love?” She says with surprise. “Not lust, nor romantic love but by kindness, caring. A true and selfless love. Your capacity for love is tremendous, Sir.”

“Let’s not share that bit of information shall we?” Pirate asks.

“Of course. If you prefer it.” She says. “Regardless, the dirt that you have so prided on coating your soul with only keeps the love closer. Just as the mud that is on your boots and the dust on your coat helps to keep the remnants of salt close to your skin, the sand between your toes as pure as the first beach you walked on the first time that you ventured across it. You are loved.” She says, looking at each of her other visitors in turn. “It is clear to me how loved you are and why.”

“You sure about that?” Tinkletoes asks. “A guy who doesn’t clean between his toes for that long...he’d be hard to get too close to.”

“I am sure Sir.” Lady Gray responds, with that look of irritation at interruption that cats are prone to give. “I will confer with Excalibur. We will let her decide if she wants to help you.”

The Best Laid Plans

“She has.”

Monitor Man picks himself up, dusts himself off, and reaches the group at the same time Writer Lady dismounts. “Thank you Leitis.” Writer Lady says as she rubs the unicorn’s nose.

Black Buck The Antelope and the silver unicorn appear. The silver unicorn and Leitis greet each other with happy sniffs and nickers.

“Why?” Tinkletoes asks.

“Why what?” Writer Lady asks.

“Why’d she send a female to do a man’s job?”

“Because you’ll screw it up.” Writer Lady answers.

“Screw it up. I never screw things up.” Tinkletoes says.

Writer Lady looks at Tinkletoes.

“Okay. There have been a few bumps in the road.”

She does not change her expression.

“Sometimes things aren't thoroughly planned out.”

She raises an eyebrow.

Tinkletoes coughs.

“I’m sure that this lovely woman….” Black Buck says.

Tinkletoes coughs louder.

“...doesn’t mean it in quite that way.” The antelope offers. “Perhaps Writer Lady has some useful details that The Lady With The Long Golden Hair knew that you would be needing.”

“You have information.” Monitor Man says.

Pirate reaches up to touch the earring that Writer Lady is wearing. His hand stops at the moonstone, gently cradling it with his fingers. “And a most powerful weapon.” He says, looking at each member of the group. “It seems that The Lady With The Long Golden Hair is never without one more bit of magic.” He releases the earring and it falls, swinging a bit before stopping and coming to rest below Writer Lady’s earlobe.

“What was the plan?” She asks.

“I’m distracting the guards.” Tinkletoes says with a grin. “He’s charming the pants off of Lady Gray.” The self-proclaimed mercenary says gesturing towards Monitor Man with a nod of his head.

The actor nods. “I’m supposed to present myself to Lady Gray and ask to borrow Excalibur using my best manners.”

“I’m going to borrow the sword while all other parties are suitably occupied.”

“You were going to steal it.” Writer Lady says looking at Pirate.

“Pi-rate.” The buccaneer says with a grin. “It really is what I’m best at Luv.”

Writer Lady looks at Pirate and thinks for a minute. She reaches out and puts a hand on his shoulder. She looks him in the eyes and says, “I’m sure it is. Believe me when I tell you that I say this with the utmost respect for you and your um...skills. ‘Not today, Luv’.”

“It’s just gonna be a little fire.” Tinkletoes says.

“The Lady With The Long Golden Hair says that such activities could wake something that should not be woken.”

Black Buck The Antelope looks at Tinkletoes and asks, “Where was the fire to be lit?”

“In the back. Behind the ogre barracks.”

Black Buck shakes his head. “The ogres are quite fragrant. The combination of the scent of the fire mixed with the scent of ogre would hunger the Cinn Dhorcha or Dark Ones, waking them from hibernation. They would surely rush the castle killing everything within it.”

“We’ll kill them first.” Tinkletoes looks at Pirate. “Can’t we use that fancy earring weapon to kill ‘em?”

“The moonstone would not work on the Cinn Dhorcha. It’s not that kind of magic.”

“No.” Black Buck says, “No one is quite sure what kind of magic was used to put the Cinn Dhorcha into hibernation. If they were to wake, Faerie would become a very dark place. A very dark place indeed.”

Tinkletoes shakes his head and mutters. “Charming the pants off of a lady is so easy. Classic. It rarely fails.” He looks at Monitor Man. “Sorry Buddy. It looks like you’re gonna have to satisfy your manly desires some other time.”

Monitor Man looks at Writer Lady and says, “I had no interest in doing that.”

A snort and a strange laugh burst forth from Black Buck The Antelope. “I should hope not.”

“What?” Tinkletoes asks.

“How well do you know Lady Gray?” Writer Lady asks.

“Not at all, but I do know enough about her to know that she is not interested in the affections of any human. No matter how handsome or charming. At least not those kinds of affections.”

No one speaks, they wait to hear more.

“She is quite young.”

“Jail bait.” Tinkletoes says.

“Wise.”

“An old soul.” Monitor Man offers.

“She appreciates courage and forthrightness.”

“Honesty.” Writer Lady says. “That’s it! Pirate, you need to go in there and be honest, about everything. Your feelings for The Lady of the Lake, your love of adventure and the sea, and the reason you serve The Lady With The Long Golden Hair. It’s the only chance that you have to procure Excalibur.”

Pirate begins to pale. As much as anyone who is in grayscale can anyway.

Writer Lady continues, “First, we need to find a way to win her favor, get her on your side before you have even spoken. We need an “In.”




 ******************************

“How are a child and a baby dragon going to protect me?” House demands. “How can they keep all of those males from getting in?”

“Dylan and Furnatche will not have to.” The Lady With The Long Golden Hair responds.

House grumbles.

“What I think what The Lady With The Long Golden Hair is trying to say is that jealousy most often manifests itself because there is a threat to the reciprocation of the admirer’s affections. What’s less likely to be a threat to the potential reciprocation of the those admirer’s affections but a small boy and a baby dragon?” Diomedes asks.

“There are so many of them.” House exclaims. “What happens when they all get together and begin pushing against my doors and windows?”

“As long as their numbers remain as they are now I am confident that all will be well until Pirate has returned.” The Lady With The Long Golden Hair answers.

“The only real threat is the giant.” Carp says. The assassin-in-training stands at the picture window and looks at the driveway, then up. He continues to crane his neck. He puts a hand onto the back of it and massages what is currently under strain. “He is a big boy.”

“Mur...” House groans.

“It’s going to be okay.” Mural Man says. “Just relax, it’s going to be okay.”

Carp sees something moving to the left of Gordon. The giant moves, affording him a view of the street that runs adjacent to the house. A mob of men, animals, and magical creatures are all heading straight for Writer Lady’s house. The men who were abandoned at The Lady With The Long Golden Hair’s house have picked up her scent and are following it and picking up more admirers along the way. They fill the street. Men carrying flowers, bouquets of balloons, the odd kitten. One pulls up driving a new convertible. Other men went for other forms of presentation pulling out their best finery. There are several bikers, on their Harleys, shining clean with chrome sparkling. There are cowboys riding their own fine steeds, outlaws with big black hats, some wearing princely finery. One or two brave souls ride in full armor. Knights ready to bow to a great lady. If they can stay on their horses. There are poets, writers, and musicians competing to be heard. 
   A pair of police cars pull up and block the group before they can make the turn on to Writer Lady’s street. 
  "Thank goodness." Carp says.
The mob stops walking and waits as the officers speak to a man at the front who is carrying flowers. He points to the house. The officers nod and smile. They get into their squad cars and begin leading the parade to its destination.

“So much for protecting and serving.” Carp says.

Stuck In Bed On Halloween

  May D. C. ComicsTM, MarvelTM  and DisneyTM all take the use of any and all of their characters in the spirit with it was intended, to entertain and comfort sick children.  Not for monetary gain.

  For all of the girls and boys who are stuck in bed on Halloween.

Once upon an autumn dreary, lay a young boy weak and weary.  He had woke that morning not feeling well at all.  He must go to the doctor proclaimed one and all.  The doctor said that seven year old Billy was not well at all.  He must get back to bed immediately.  There was no time to stall.

Billy was not a happy boy.  Not at all.  For his utmost, favorite time of the year was the fall.  He looked at his parents, grandparents, siblings and said.  “You don’t understand.  I can’t stay in bed.  It’s Halloween.  All of my amazing friends are coming here.  We all trick or treat together.  It’s my favorite time of the year.”

“Billy you’re sick,” came all of the responses he heard.

Billy decided that “sick” was the most awful kind of word.  “You don’t understand.  Wonder Woman is coming.  So are Thor and Iron Man.  The Flash is already running.  What about Batman, Superman, and Spidey?   I am the one who makes sure that my favorite pirate knows where that little monkey is hiding.  What about the gargoyles, the jack-o-lanterns, and Frankenstein.  What about Count Dracula?  He loves telling his scary nursery rhymes.  Who will they play with? Who will count their treats? Who will guide them this Halloween down of all of the best streets?”

“We don’t  know.”  Said everyone to whom Billy had spoken.  “All we know is that it won’t be you.”

Billy tried to forget about Halloween.  It was lonely and sad being sick.  It was hard watching the decorations go up throughout the neighborhood.

Billy’s family tried to make things easier.  They wanted him to feel better.  Nothing helped.  Not even video game tournaments with Grandpa helped Grandpa couldn’t play video games.  At All.

  Billy decided that he would try harder to be happy.  He would be good because when he cried it made Mom sad.  It was embarrassing when she got sappy. Girls.

Halloween came and Billy was brave.  He smiled and laughed.  He cheered his family and friends’ costumes and antics.  He encouraged everyone to have fun.  To go outside and play.  At exactly eight p.m. , he was alone in his room with his favorite movie and a soda.  A bowl of Halloween candy sat on the nightstand next to the bed.  He thought that he was alone when a text message popped up on his mother’s forgotten phone.

The message read Who’s ready for Halloween?  This guy. S.

The tap-tap-tap on Billy’s window confirmed his suspicion.  Billy waved Superman into the house.  He was standing in Billy's bedroom doorway in a matter of seconds.

  “Hey Billy.  Why aren’t you ready for trick-or-treating?”  He asked.

 “Can’t go.  I’m sick.”

“Oh.”  Superman said and looked around the room.  “May I sit down?”

 “Yeah.”

Superman found the dining chair that Grandpa forgot to put back into the kitchen when he left and sat down.

“Candy?”  Billy asked holding out the bowl of candy for Superman.

“Thanks.” 

“You can go if you want.  It’s no fun here.” 

“No.  I can’t go without you.  You protect me.”

Billy looked at Superman.

“Don’t you remember the year that we went to the Halloween carnival?  All those children were wearing those glowing green things?  I was so scared.”

“They were just glow necklaces.”

“They looked just like kryptonite.”  Superman said.  “What if there are more of them?”

“They’re still just glow necklaces.” 

“You’re the one who knows that.” 

Billy looked at Superman and shook his head. A shadow appeared in the doorway. Billy watched as the shadow grew larger and took shape.  The pointed ears made a noise and continued to darken the doorway.

“I should have known that you would be here.” Batman said in his deep, gravelly voice.

“Billy is my best friend.”  Superman said.

“He’s my best friend.”  Batman said.

“He was mine first.”

“Why don’t you two boys go outside to settle this?”  Wonder Woman’s voice can be heard coming from behind Batman.  “I feel like visiting.”

The two superheroes grunted at each other and let Wonder Woman enter the room.  “Goodnight gentlemen.”

The visit with Wonder Woman was nice.  Billy kept noticing movement outside of his bedroom window.  “There is a lot going on tonight," she said.

“Show me.”

Wonder Woman picked the boy up and took him to the window.  Sure enough, everyone was lined up outside of the house for a visit.  Gargoyles, werewolves, Frankenstein, and ghouls.  Iron Man and Thor stood next to Count Dracula and Darth Vader.  A group of Stormtroopers were gathered around Yoda. Pirates and ghosts wove their way through the line and cut to the front.  Wonder Woman sighed. She tucked Billy back into his bed, opened the window, and called, “No cutting Jack.”

“Bugger,” was heard coming from the direction of the front porch light.

She closed the window, turned to Billy and said,  “I hope that you took a good nap this afternoon because you are going to have one busy night.”  She kissed him on the forehead, gave the boy a quick smile, and was gone.

Billy was not alone.  Wonder Woman was right.  He had a busy night.  Between playing Thumb Wars with Darth Vader and listening to Count Dracula’s rhymes, he got his tongue wrapped around his fangs four times, Billy was exhausted. So many visitors.  What a night!  Billy’s parents checked on him at midnight.  They asked him if he had a nice Halloween, he nodded, his eyes dropped heavily as he responded.  He whispered something to his father as he hugged him.  His father grinned, guided Billy’s mom out of the room, and closed the door behind him.

His parents stopped on the other side of the closed door.

“What did he say?”  Billy’s mother asked.

“He can’t wait until next year when he can go trick-or-treating again.  Everyone visiting was great but Halloween from bed is exhausting.”