Paths Down A Long Dark Road

 (Personal Essay)

 I see my old self in you. The sadness. The constant worry about the future. The unending need to prove to yourself that you can take care of yourself. That you are going to be okay. Let me tell you this now. I am using all caps for emphasis. Not because I’m yelling.

YOU ARE GOING TO BE OKAY.

You will. It doesn’t feel like it but you will. I have learned a lot over the last decade. Let me share with you what I’ve learned so your journey is easier.

You are surrounded by people who love you. That voice inside your head telling you how alone you are is lying. If you can’t see it then every day I want you to find one person that you know loves you and has your back. Each day look for a new person to add to the list. Write the list down and put it in a drawer or a box. Something that is hidden but close at hand. On the bad days take it out and read the list. Out loud. Remember these are the people who are there for you. They are also the ones who would miss you if you were gone.

There are stages of grief but you don’t go through them in any set order. It’s not like checking things off of a list. You don’t wake up one morning feel acceptance and bam! you’re done. You are going to move through the stages. In and out. Over and over for a long time. You may feel several in one day. You will have emotional days. Days full of difficult things that drain your energy and make you wish for simpler times.

There will be days that almost feel normal except when you remember that he or she is gone.

Some days will be sweet, happy, and spread out before you like buttercream over cake. Then you will feel guilty that you had that day because you aren’t supposed to have good times without him. The truth is that you are. You are supposed to have the good times, the funny times, and the crazy times. He loved you. He wouldn’t want you to die with his passing.

I spent a long time convinced that crying was showing weakness. Crying is not weakness in grief it is a testament to how much you loved. Something so beautiful cannot possibly be weak.

I can hear Dad now. “Have appropriate sadness because I was fuckin’ great. Keep going.”

I hear you Dad. I’m listening.

Keep going. Keep resting. You will start healing. Slowly it will get better.

Try not to make the same mistakes that I made. I realized this morning that I grieved for my late husband like he grieved for his wife from a previous marriage. He never let go of his grief. She was always in the forefront long after we were together.

After I had accepted losing him, grieving had become such a big part of my life that I kept grieving. For other things. Failed attempts at change, mistakes, perceived losses. A decade came and went and I was still grieving. Don’t do that. It does not make for a happy life.

As things change, as you learn to live in this new life you are building let yourself become uncomfortable again as you move away from the hurting. Don’t let living in grief become the forefront of your life. Don’t let it stay forever. Live with it not for it.

Don’t be afraid to change. To build something new. Be happy. Find joy again. Laugh all you want.

The events that took him from you are just a blip of the time that you had together. Remember all of it. It was beautiful.

Changing everything right away does not make the grieving process go faster. Just more complicated.

Loss of a loved one is a difficult journey. You can get through this. You will get through this.

Love yourself, trust your own instincts about change, if something feels like it has to be done right now you may be rushing things, take a step back and proceed a bit more slowly. You’ve got this. You really do.