When Your Blog Characters Read Your Novel

“Oh my goodness. That is most exciting.” Diomedes exclaims. The dragon looks around the room at the others and smiles.

Ray and Carp look up from their e-readers.

“Where are you?” Carp asks.

“In the woods. Everyone is how do you humans say it? Everyone is outfitted for confrontation?”

“Everyone is packing?” Carp suggests.

“Locked and loaded.” Tinkletoes answers absentmindedly. He presses the button on his controller to continue his video game. (Sorry, virtual training exercise.)

“Oh my goodness.” Diomedes calls out. He thumps his tail in amusement, setting Aunt Purdy’s rocking chair in motion lightly tapping the wall. “It is most humorous how you humans do battle.”

“Duuude. No spoilers.” Ray says.

An explosion comes from the television signaling that Tinkletoes’ character has died. The self-proclaimed mercenary growls under his breath and starts a new game.

“No way.” Ray says.

Carp looks up from his reader. “Way.”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously.” Carp repeats.

Tinkletoes goes up in flames again.

“Oh my.” Diomedes says. The dragon is a tranquil blue color with a violet tint indicating he is having a good time.

“Anyone up for a game?” Tinkletoes asks.

Ray shakes his head.

“Bu-sy.” Carp responds without looking up from the screen.

Tinkletoes studies the group for a moment. He shuts everything down and puts the gaming equipment away. “What are you guys doing?” He asks.

“Reading.” Carp answers.

Diomedes looks up from his dragon sized reading device. “It’s most entertaining. Most entertaining. A story about a darling woman fighting a cannibal.”

Tinkletoes looks at Diomedes questioningly.

“Heather Darling and The Case of The Clockwork Cannibal.” Carp corrects. “It is quite entertaining.”

“No way man!” Ray proclaims.

“Way.” Carp says.

Tinkletoes looks around the room and spots an abandoned reading device on the table next to the couch. The self- proclaimed mercenary sits down next to the table and picks up the device when he thinks that no one is looking. “How do you turn this thing on?”

Carp holds out his hand and takes the device from Tinkletoes. He opens it up. “Do you want to read the book too?”

There is no response.

Carp turns his head and looks at Tinkletoes.

“I guess so.”

Carp puts down his device long enough to set the other device up for Tinkletoes. “Here you go. Enjoy.”

The self-proclaimed mercenary takes one look at the cover and asks, “This isn’t one of your books is it?”

“Are there half naked people on the cover?” Carp asks. “Does it say ‘Jenny Love’ at the bottom?”

“No.”

“Then it’s clearly not one of mine.”

Tinkletoes begins reading, decides to abandon the book and just as he’s putting the e-reader back down on the table...

“An excellent outcome. That was most enjoyable.”

The self-proclaimed mercenary picks it back up and reads. After a few minutes he begins shaking his head. At an hour in, he is muttering to himself. He shakes his head and puts the e-reader back on the table. Tinkletoes looks around the room. No one is looking at him. No one is talking. “That is a waste of time.” He proclaims.

“You don’t like it?” Carp asks.

“Duuude, how do you not like it?”

“A woman wrote that. One that doesn’t know anything about men.” He responds.

Carp and Ray look at Tinkletoes.

“Detective Farina? Real men don’t act like that.”

Carp and Ray look at each other. Carp looks back at Tinkletoes. “Some men do.”

“Well they’re pu....”

A child runs through the living room chasing a pixie.

“...wimps.” Tinkletoes leans in and whispers. “She calls him ‘Vagina.’ No man in his right mind is gonna put up with that.”

“It’s a term of endearment going back to the first book. It’s unusual but charming in it’s own way.”

Ray nods. “It’s a long story man.”

Tinkletoes counters, “A real man wouldn’t put up with it. I wouldn’t put up with it.”

“Terms of endearment can be embarrassing but he’s got a girlfriend. Can you say the same thing?” Carp asks.

“I may not have a woman right now but no one calls me funny names.”

“Your name is Tinkletoes.” Carp says.

“Damn right it is.”

“Are you not seeing the irony?”

“Alpha males have unusual names, it helps us stand out in a crowd.”

“Tin-kle-toes.” Carp says.

“Yes?”

Carp looks at Ray, “He doesn’t get the irony.”

“That’s rough man. Cheese puffs?”

“Sounds good.” Carp responds. “It’ll go great with the shoot out.”

“There are guns and stuff?” Tinkletoes asks.

“Ye-ah.”

“Maybe I’ll read a few more pages.” The self-proclaimed mercenary picks up the reading device. “Point me to the guns.”

"Heather Darling and The Case of the Clockwork Cannibal" is available for download on Amazon.