Banned From High Command

 

“Are you attempting to tell me what to do not only in my own home but in High Command, my writing room, my private space?”

“Umm...ye-ah?”

“What makes you think you can do that?” Writer Lady asks.

Tinkletoes shifts his weight and looks at the floor.

“What makes you think you can do that?” She asks more emphatically.

Nothing happens.

She lowers her head to catch his eye. “My eyes are up here.” She says pointing to her face. “What was your logic?”

Tinkletoes makes a face.

“Lo-gic.”

“Umm…”

Carp leans in and whispers to the self-proclaimed mercenary, “What were you thinking when you told her what to do.”

“Being the alpha male within this dwelling it is my prerogative to dictate what is done in said dwelling.”

“Let’s see...you’re not my father, not my husband, and you don’t pay the bills. You don’t even live here. And even if you were one of those things you still would have no say as to how I spend my time.” Writer Lady glares, calling up the ever threatening, stink eye. “I don’t care what kind of a male you think you are you have no influence in this dwelling. Especially in this room. You don’t even live here.”

“You already said that.” Tinkletoes points out.

“Alpha male? What do you think if you stand outside and take a whiz on the siding, the house and all who reside within are yours to command?”

“I’m the biggest guy here.”

“So?”

“It could be a...thing.”

Writer Lady turns her attention to a specialist. “Carp!”

The former romance novelist and assassin-in-training startles momentarily.

“In all of your years of writing, reading, living among romantic stories and studying historic mating rituals have you ever encountered a place or time where men marked their territory by relieving themselves on the outside of a dwelling?”

“I have not.” Carp answers.

“That’s because it isn’t a thing!” Writer Lady announces.

“Does that include third world countries?” Tinkletoes asks.

“It isn’t a thing!”

Tinkletoes looks at Writer Lady, “Could you just stop it, you know with the...writing...Nathan business?”

“There is NO NATHAN!”

Tinkletoes points to the name Nathan on the monitor display and raises an eyebrow.

“There is one. It is a flat one dimensional grouping of letters, it’s not like he’s a living breathing human being or anything.”

“She does have a point.” Carp agrees.

“True but you know what,” House’s voice echoes throughout the room, “there are currently over 300,000 males named Nathan residing within the U.S. alone. Some are actors, several others are athletes.”

“That’s a whole lotta pecs…” Carp says.

“Yes that is.” House agrees.

“Not helping.” Tinkletoes calls out.

Writer Lady sighs releasing some of her frustration. She looks at Tinkletoes. “How long have you known me?”

“A long time.”

“More than five years?” She asks.

“Ten probably.”

“How many Nathans have you seen in this house?”

“None?”

“At the door?”

“None.”

“There are no Nathans here.” Writer Lady says.

Tinkletoes points to the screen.

Writer Lady ignores the gesture.“If you don’t mind I would very much like to get back to my story.” She says gently.

He nods. “I get it. When you’re concentrating on a mission you don’t mess with details like code names. That crap will get you killed. I’m sure you’ll change his name when you get to it. Being a girl and all it takes time for you to see the error of your ways.” Tinkletoes shakes his head. “You are really screwing up this time.”

“That’s it. I’ve had enough of this.” Writer Lady raises her hand and points to the door. “Good-bye.”

“What?”

“From this moment on you have been banned from High Command.”

“I have security clear…”

“Get Out!”

Carp puts a hand to Tinkletoes’ shoulder. “Let’s give her some time to calm down. You know how women are.” As Tinkletoes heads for the door Carp turns to face Writer Lady, he mouths “You tried.”

The pair enter the living room to a group of stunned faces. Some of them sticky ones. No one utters a word for several moments.

“Dude...what was going on in there? The windows were rattling.” Ray asks.

“Writer Lady was writing a story about some guy and I told her she shouldn’t be doing those things, you know, thinking, about guys.”

“Writer Lady is working on a new story and our friend here is feeling a little insecure.” Carp pulls out his expression of reassurance. “It’s all a misunderstanding.”

“There are No Nathans!” Writer Lady’s voice is heard from High Command. “No men coming over, visiting, being nice to me. Nothing has changed!”

“Nathan...rawr even the name is hot.” House says. “Can I call you Nathan, Mur?”

“You can call me anything you want darling as long as I can hold you.” Mural Man responds.

“Any-whoo as soon as some people stop stirring the pot,” Carp explains, “everything will go back to normal. For the time being…”

“For the time being I have been banned from High Command.”

“Damn right you have!”

“Whoa. She sounds mad.” Ray says.

“Yep.” Tinkletoes says looking in the direction of the writing room.

Writer Lady spies him peeking and shuts the door.

The self-proclaimed mercenary lowers his head and closes his eyes for a moment.

“If she says there’s no Nathan there must not be any Nathan.” Ray says.

When Tinkletoes looks up again, the self-proclaimed mercenary sees Ray munching away on one his Creme de Menthe cupcakes. The insomniac/junk food junkie’s favorite surf tee had been replaced by a simple baby blue t-shirt with the word NATHAN printed on it in bold white print.

The self-proclaimed mercenary does a double take. Ray is still sitting on the couch sporting the word Nathan. Tinkletoes looks around the room. Dylan is wearing the same shirt along with Peter and Paige. Every face he sees is wearing some variation of the Nathan t on their bodies. “What the…” Tinkletoes hears a familiar sound and looks in the direction of the hall. TP the faerie is fluttering in the hallway just outside the door to High Command. He hears Writer Lady call out, “He lost his mind. There is no Nathan!”

The closer TP gets,the faerie’s NATHAN t shirt comes into the self-proclaimed mercenary’s sight.

“You too?” He asks shaking his head.

“TP help. Writer Lady says there is no Nathan. Now there are Nathans everywhere.”

Tinkletoes looks around the room again, silently counting Nathans. The self-proclaimed mercenary raises an eyebrow as one corner of his mouth begins to turn up in a smile.