*For Mom.
I decided that the only way I was going to get out of the room and away from the man of every woman’s dreams was by reaching down; deep, deep, deep down and finding a speck of courage. I prayed that there was still some left. Accepting the ticket, dress shopping with my sister, along with the trip into the city and the time spent in the salon had already been a long and difficult journey outside my comfort zone. With any luck, I had another thirty seconds of bravery hidden some place.
I took a deep breath, looked at Ryan Joseph and said, “It was really nice of you to come over here to talk with me when everyone else has gone, the event is clearly over. You must be exhausted.” Unfortunately, it was not long before my resolve began to waver, I started rattling. “I know I would be both mentally and emotionally exhausted if I had said hello to half of the people who were here tonight and you have to do it...all the time.”
His eyes didn’t leave mine as I stood up.
“Thank you very much for the conversation but I don’t belong here. I will never forget this. I have to go now.”
“You didn’t buy a ticket.” Ryan said.
I held out my arm so he could see the disposable bracelet I was presented with when I checked in. “I have a ticket.”
“You didn’t buy it.” He said. “You really didn’t want to be here tonight, did you?”
Fuck.
With that single observation what was left of my courage exited my body. My insides felt like a balloon being emptied of air. This man had gone out of his way to be nice to me, but to confess…
You have to tell him the truth. Lying leads nowhere.
Honesty can be harsh even cruel at times. I don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings who went out of their way to be nice to me. What kind of a person does that?
Ryan Joseph, movie super star and all around Hollywood hottie looked at me, waiting for an answer. I didn’t know enough about him to guess what might hurt his feelings. I didn’t know for sure that the truth would, but it could. I sat down, speaking slowly, hoping not to lose my composure. “I will answer your question, before I begin I need you to promise me that you’ll listen to the entire answer.”
Those kind eyes found mine and Ryan nodded.
“I hate the thought of hurting you when you’ve been so nice to me but you asked so here it goes. It’s true, I didn’t want to come here tonight. I didn’t buy the ticket. It was a gift. A gift I received after I told a lie.” Once I started talking, the words came tumbling out, waiting for someone who would listen, who wanted to hear my dilemma, someone who might care. “I’m single. I have been for several years now. At first my loved ones would say things like, I’m glad you’re taking time for yourself, It’s always good to focus on your career. My parents would brag about how independent I was and tell people I was taking time off to get to know myself. When years pass and not much has changed about your life, time spent with friends and family can become a little less comfortable.”
An odd expression crossed The Schwartz’ face. Was he confused? I don’t know, maybe. The sadness, loneliness of spending a long period of time alone,whatever the hell it is, probably never lasts long for him. I tried another approach.
“A few months ago at a family gathering, my sister looked like she could use a break. After dinner, I followed my niece into the family room for a tea party. We did it right, we wrapped feather boas around our shoulders and put on hats and gloves. I set the table and we sat down for tea. I hadn’t seen little Jillie in a while. I didn’t know she had learned what gossip was.
After she told me about her recent break up her classmate Timmy and her new beau Jesus, she held her up her tea cup, pinkie extended and said, ‘I told Daddy all about Jesus and the outing we have planned for Saturday. After I finished Daddy looked at Mommy and said our daughter sees more action in one month than Bette does in a decade.’ Jillie sipped her tea then continued, ‘Then Grandma pointed out that wasn’t a very nice thing to say not matter how true it was. Grandma wondered if you were even looking at men any more. Then Mommy said none of that mattered because you were never going to meet anybody as long as you kept daydreaming about celebrities.’ It hurt a little to hear, but at first I didn’t let it get to me. A few months later, after my mother made a comment about how I seemed determined to die alone I began thinking about what Jillie had said a bit more. I couldn’t help but wonder if that was what my family really thought of me. I knew I let go fruitless daydreams like those ages ago, yet here they were convinced I still had a crush on you.”
I looked at Ryan. His face offered not a hint of what he might be thinking or feeling. He seemed to be just quietly listening.
“The holidays were coming. Mom gets especially pushy around the holidays.”
“It’s not that bad, is it?”
“When we went shopping for Halloween decorations she pointed out all the men she thought might be single. ‘Look at that one, he’s handsome.’ ‘Check out the way that one fills out those jeans.’
Ryan started smiling.
“She picked one up while I was in the restroom then ambushed me with him in tow in the middle of the mall parking lot.”
He covered his mouth to hide his smile.
“At that point I felt like I had two choices, one very long distance move or doing something desperate. One night when I couldn’t sleep, it came to me. If my family was convinced I was spending my life waiting for you to fall in love with me then who was I to argue? The next day I dug out my Ryan Joseph scrapbooks from my college days, hid a few posters around my apartment, picked up a few DVDs and waited. It wasn’t long before a duly appointed family representative stopped by to ask about the new décor. I begrudgingly admitted that I still had feelings for you and was waiting for you to feel the same way. The representative went home to make their report and I sighed with relief at the solitude.”
I jumped when I heard the ballroom door open. One of Ryan’s associates approached, the two whispered back and forth for a few moments. The man left.
“The hotel staff needs to get back in this room, it seems I have been keeping them from cleaning up. Could we continue this elsewhere?” He asked.
I nodded, a bit unsure of myself.
“I’d really like to get some air.” He said.
“Isn’t it a little bit late for that?” I asked.
“It’s perfectly safe. I do it all the time.”
He wasn’t kidding, when you go for a walk along a less frequented city street with four men I know I wouldn’t want to meet in a dark alley it’s definitely safe. His friends stayed far enough away to ensure a private conversation but close enough Ryan would not be disturbed.
The air was cool. The moon was nestled high in the sky, cradled by clouds, it was definitely growing later. Christmas decorations made things look brighter than they already were and lightened my mood. I buttoned up my full length coat and pulled a scarf out of my pocket. Cocktail dresses are designed for enjoying cocktails, indoors.
“It’s getting colder, it looks like we might see some snow.” Ryan observed.
“No. Not yet.” I responded without thinking. “The temperature is right for snow but the clouds aren’t the right color.” I could feel him looking at me. “Snow clouds are gray, it’s a lighter brighter gray. Closer to white. Probably because they are full of snow.”
“You’re right, I never thought about it very much.” He commented. “You were enjoying your solitude…” Ryan prompted.
“I did until November. On Thanksgiving I was presented with a surprise. A ticket to a meet and greet with Ryan Joseph.”
“The Schwartz.” He said as he held both hands up with his fingers curled in, indicating The Schwartz was something big and scary. Mannie “The Bullet” Schwartz, a character Ryan had played early on in his career, was a gangster who lived during the roaring twenties and was direct competition to Al Capone, according to the world of Hollywood at least. He was ruthless, sexy, and looked fantastic in a double breasted suit. Definitely a bad ass. I waited to see if Ryan was going to growl.
I smiled. “People always talk about The Schwartz like Mannie was such a bad ass. Whenever I hear the name it just reminds me of Space Balls.”
He looked at me and smiled. “Me too. That’s what I like about
him. Please continue."
I continued my story, “I didn’t know what to do. I had two options I could tell them the truth, there would be grumbling about wasted money and I would be back to shopping with Mom while she cruised for guys or I could accept the gift and enjoy a little bit more peace.”
“Where did the clothes and hair come in?”
“My sister. She told me she thought my continued interest in you was a bad idea. Mom and Dad really wanted to see me with someone and if I truly believed that you were the one for me she was going to do everything she could to help move things along. I was afraid if I refused her help, she would see right through me.”
We had crossed a street and entered a park as I rambled. Ryan stopped at a bench near the water and sat down. I did the same.
“So you have no interest in me?” He asked, not looking at me.
I studied his face, he was quietly watching the reflection of the moon as it danced along the water. I shook my head. “The crush of my college years was extinguished a long time ago.”
We sat for a bit longer then headed back to the hotel.
“It’s been nice talking with you. It’s been like sitting with an old friend.” I observed.
Ryan did not respond. When he stopped at the hotel’s entrance he turned and handed me a card with a phone number printed on it. “You should call me some time.”
I looked at Ryan. I couldn’t read his face clearly, he seemed distant, the light I noticed earlier in his eyes a bit dimmer. I thought for a minute and said, “No.”
One of his associates from earlier in the evening came through the hotel door stopping next to us. I did something I never do, I spoke first. I looked at the new arrival and said, “Hello. Do you work with Mr. Joseph?”
He nodded.
“This is Todd.” Ryan said.
“It’s nice to meet you Todd.” I quickly removed a pen from my clutch and scribbled my contact information on the back of the card Ryan had just handed me. “Tell me Todd, do you and Ryan see each other a lot?”
“I am wherever he is, usually.” Todd responded.
I looked at Ryan. “I won’t take your phone number because if I call you there’s a chance you might only talk to me because you feel obligated to. What I will do is give my contact information to Todd, that way if you want to talk to me you will have to reach out to him for my information. Taking an extra step insures that you are calling out of genuine interest and not out of guilt or some other sense of obligation.” Again the rambling started. This time it felt like good rambling. “It’s been a long three weeks and I’ve learned a few things about myself along the way. I like the idea of getting to know you better, and being friends with you. We have to do this in real time.”
“No more crushes.” He said.
“No more crushes on men I have never met in real life. Even a crush needs a foundation. I think friendship might be better.”
I looked at Ryan’s assistant and smiled. Leaning in, I whispered. “If he asks for my number wait at least 24 hours before you give it to him, that way he’s sure that he wants it.”
I looked at Ryan one last time, “You can’t fire him for doing what I asked. Promise?”
One corner of his mouth turned up in a smile. “Promise.”
I entered the hotel and returned to my room wondering if I would ever hear from my new friend again. After a shower and a cup of tea I found a bit of relaxation. I climbed into bed and turned out the light. Tomorrow would be a brand new day and for the first time in a long time I was looking forward to it.