A Quiet Evening With The Schwartz

*Profanity.

 

I am a terrible liar. I have been for my entire life. You know how some kids suck at things but as they grow up their skills improve? Not me. I never got better at cooking, dating, or lying. When you’re a kid and you tell a lie you find yourself standing in the corner or something. When you’re an adult, unless you lie about something big or to someone important there is no one to stand you in a corner and remind you not to do it. Instead you end up in situations like the one I’m in right now. Sitting in a nearly empty hotel ballroom in a ridiculously overpriced cocktail dress knowing that I wasted $800.00 of my family’s money-they don’t know I looked up the ticket price—hiding at a meet and greet for a celebrity I haven’t drooled over since 2003. How did this happen? Simple.

I told a lie.

It was an important lie. A lie for my continued survival. A lie for my own sanity. If you had been in my place you would have done the same thing. If you wouldn’t have please pretend you would. It’s only polite. I watched as Ryan Joseph, the guest of honor, quietly walked towards the exit with his people and the last three women to leave. These women walked into the ballroom hours earlier carrying signs and pictures, along with totes full of memorabilia. They stood at the front of the room and announced to everyone within earshot they were Ryan Joseph’s a.k.a. Mannie “The Bullet” Schwartz or The Schwartz as many affectionately think of him, they are his biggest fans. They arrived at the event dressed as three of his most iconic characters. Lacey, the leader of the group, dressed up as The Schwartz himself. They took their time with Ryan leaning in close if the opportunity presented itself to whisper gossip about other fans who did not make it tonight. Lena couldn’t afford the trip because of a messy divorce, Sandy was going through a bankruptcy and there was poor Tillie’s unexpected pregnancy months before her youngest was getting ready to leave for college. But Tillie still looks wonderful. One would whisper that Tillie started her family young at which time the threesome would look at each other solemnly and nod in agreement. I had heard the same speech earlier as did a few dozen other people. If you see those women on the street don’t tell them anything, at least not anything you don’t want the entire eastern seaboard to know by five a.m. the next day.

What did I do while all of this activity went on around me? I watched. I studied Ryan’s face, his eyes, his smile. I memorized how he was dressed and some of the things that he said. I did it for one simple reason. If I had any hope of getting through the post meet and greet interrogation that was coming alive I was going to need details. Lots of ‘em.

All was going as planned until when for some unexpected reason Ryan turned around and saw me watching. I turned away, took a deep breath and counted to ten then I raised my head and slowly looked in his direction. I watched as he whispered something to two of the bigger men with him. Both nodded. Everyone left the room except for Ryan. He turned around and headed straight for me.

Oh shit...oh shit...oh shit. Go Away. This was not the plan. HELP! So it began, the onslaught of ridiculously unhelpful random thoughts that were going to keep me paralyzed and incapable of dealing with this sudden change.

“Hi.” He said as he approached. “It was really busy here tonight.” Ryan said with a smile.

I watched as the smile crossed his lips and headed up. His eyes brightened slightly like I was the one person he had been hoping to speak to the entire time. Actors. “My name is Ryan Joseph. It’s so nice to meet you.”

I nodded and hoped he would leave now that his job was done. Instead he sat down on the chair directly across from me.

“What’s your name?” He asked.

Oh my god...he’s actually doing this? (Mental sigh). Now you’ve done it. You just had to wear the dress and get your hair done at the salon. I looked down at my perfect red toe nails. Damn pedicure! First you lie to your mother, now this! You are the worst daughter on the planet. I finally mutter. “Bette. My name is Bette Turner.”

“Hello Bette Turner.” He said repeating my name back to me.

“Have you enjoyed the evening?”

“It was...fine.” I responded as I fiddled with my clutch.

“Only fine?”

“I don’t really get out much...I mean, this is the only celebrity meet and greet I’ve ever been to.”

“You’ve never gone to all this trouble for anyone else, I’m flattered.” He said.

I lowered my head and didn’t say a word. When someone finds themselves talking to a wall they leave. He’ll have to leave now.

He lowered his head and found my eyes. The dick.

“I'm serious. The fact that you don’t go to these things all the time makes your presence all the more meaningful.”

I looked at his face, his tender smile, the way he was leaning forward… the reality of my situation began to sink in.

Ryan Joseph thinks I am here tonight in this cocktail dress with styled hair and flawless make-up because I have a crush on him. He thinks I’m another big giant, lonely, socially uninteresting fan girl! My mind and emotions sent a tidal wave of thoughts and feelings forward most of which had nothing to do with the present moment. He thinks I am a fan just like these other women. I haven’t looked at his work in ages. His eyes are so kind. I feel so safe. Where was this kind, caring, attentive man when I was in my twenties. I wanted him then! I needed a great guy like him then! I really wanted to ask Mister Wonderful that. What I managed to say was, “Oh my god. I can’t believe you’re talking to me.” Why is this happening to me? All I wanted was for people to stop telling me how pathetic I am alone, for my parents to stop hounding me.

“I am.” He smiled again.

What is it with this man and all the damn smiling?

“As you can see, we are the only ones left. Did you have to travel far to get here tonight?”

“No...not far.”

“So you live here, in the city?” He asked.

At that moment I decided I was hungry and the only thing that would appease my hunger was a thumb nail. One that tasted terrible. What the hell is in this stuff? I dropped my hand back to my lap. Lies. Lies. Lies. This is what lying gets you. My mother’s voice rang through my head. “This is unreal,” was my answer.

“This is actually very real.” Ryan said. “How long have you lived in the city?”

I shook my head and took a stab at honesty. “I live that way.” I said pointing east. “About three hours that way.”

“Three hours is a bit longer than not far.”

“It takes three hours to get anywhere that is open after nine pm from where I live. For me it’s not far.” What do I do? I shifted my eyes to the left and the right hoping to see movement in my peripheral vision. Bodyguards, security, men with a way cool coat that ties in the back, a rat on the buffet table. Anything, anything that would get me out of this awkward situation.