TP Didn't Do It

Writer Lady takes an offensive stance and waits for Tinkletoes to start explaining.

“Well?” She asks.

“I don’t know what happened.” Tinkletoes says.

Writer Lady shakes her head. She continues waiting for real information.

“I reviewed the mission and what actually happened several times. I don’t how what happened happened or why.”

“What happened exactly.”

“We did what I said we were going to do we took books to the old folks’ home down the street. Carp and Dobby Cat entered first heading straight for the common area in search of Mr. Sweets who had already arrived. Sweets was visiting a friend. Some guy who keeps going on about having to live without his cat. Misses his baby, best bud, companion in life.” The self-proclaimed mercenary shakes his head. “Some crap like that.”

Writer Lady mentally rolls her eyes at Tinkletoes’ inability to see any parallels between himself and Mr. Sweets’ friend.

“Ray and I drop off the books at the front desk and continue to the common room to meet up with Dobby Cat, Carp, Mr. Sweets and his friend. We get in there and this old broad is trying to make a group of people sitting in a circle take turns reading from some kind of print outs. She didn’t seem to be getting anywhere. Ray and I were kinda standing around...”

Ray looks at Tinkletoes. “I said, ‘Duude...help where you can.’”

“Ray jumps in.” Tinkletoes says. “I stood back watching, I was on the verge of nodding off when I felt something tap against the back of my leg. Some old guy wanted help with a word or two. I helped him. Got tired of waiting for him to catch up with me and started to read ahead.”

“That’s when things got really interesting.” Carp says.

“I told the bossy woman it was boring.”

“Nana.” Writer Lady corrects.

“Yeah. Her.” Tinkletoes continues. “I said if you want these people to read to you why don’t you give them something less you know...boring to read.”

Writer Lady looks at Carp for a moment who nods.

“I’m not a big reader, some of those people have lived a long time shouldn’t they get to read something a little more interesting?”

“Sexy.” Carp adds, stirring the pot.

“Nana said it was a Bible study group. I’m sure the goal is to bring comfort to the residents.”

“All I heard was talk about anger and death and piles of salt. All it did was make me thirsty.”

“So one of you thought it would be funny to change the story? Add naked women and such?”

Tinkletoes’ expression grows dark. “You haven’t been listening.”

“I have been listening, you just haven’t said anything useful.”

The self-proclaimed mercenary shakes his head.

“What did you do?” Writer Lady asks.

“Tinkletoes didn’t do anything. None of us did.” Carp responds. “Dobby Cat and I saw everything. When the story got better we joined Tinkletoes and Ray at the edge of the circle to see what was going on. A lot of people did. Residents, employees, visitors. The dirty text the residents were reading was printed on the pages they were holding.

“He’s right.” Ray says. “But the text looked different.”

“The font?” Carp asks.

Ray nods, “It was the same color and type but it wasn’t in bold print like the rest of the text was.”

“So any who,” Carp continues. “when the messenger was replaced with a brooding aristocrat on a mountain…”

“The old guy just kept reading.” Tinkletoes finishes Carp’s sentence.

“After the angel disappeared and was replaced with the female ghost whose nightgown disappeared in the light of the full moon, no one wanted to stop reading after that.” Carp looks at Writer Lady. “It kind of reminded me of your latest story. Is it online?”

Writer Lady shakes her head. “You said you knew an editor who might be interested. I have kept that story under lock and key and dragon.” She thinks for a moment. “Would you recognize what you heard if you saw the text?”

“I think I would.”

“Come with me.”

Writer Lady leads Carp back into High Command. Diomedes is standing in front of Writer Lady’s desk when they enter.

“Who goes there?” Diomedes growls at Carp.

“Carp Fischer.” Carp responds.

“You are not allowed to access this computer without the proper escort.”

“It’s okay Diomedes. I’m here.”

“He has your permission?” The dragon asks.

“Yes.”

“You are not in any distress?” He asks giving his best look of intimidation to Carp.

“No. Thank you for protecting my work Diomedes. You may stand down.”

“Very good.” Diomedes steps away from the desk. House’s walls shift revealing a cozy corner for the dragon to nap in. Diomedes curls up and closes his eyes.

“I was writing this morning.” Writer Lady says as she logs in. Reaching around for the mouse she scrolls up revealing her latest chapter.

Carp begins reading. “Wow. This is so much better than what I was listening to at the assisted living facility.”

“Does it look like the same story?”

“Ye...um...I think so.” Carp responds. “My transitioning from auditory to written has always been on the weak side. You really need someone who was looking at the copy the residents were reading from.”

Writer Lady makes a face.

Carp puts both hands up, gesturing to Writer Lady to wait. The assassin-in-training leaves the room. Writer Lady hears a loud whistle and a call for Ray. Carp returns with him. Tinkletoes is not far behind. “Does this look like what you saw?” He asks showing him the new chapter.

“That is totally it man.”

“Let me see if I have this straight so far today my latest chapter has found its way out of my computer, has been printed on to Bible study pages and taken to an assisted living facility in town, TP has appeared to someone outside of House, and changes were made to the outside of House that cannot be easily explained to an outsider. Is TP’s magic changing?”

Tinkletoes shakes his head. “TP’s old. He’s always had a lot of range. The little guy just hasn’t been using it.”

Writer Lady looks at Tinkletoes.

“He did re-route a helicopter just to bring you a gift.”

“He did. That was a long time ago and everything has been so contained lately. The magic has stayed inside House. It’s been so neat and tidy.”

“Maybe it’s like a car. Sometimes you just have to get out on the highway and open her up a bit.”

“That doesn’t sound right.”

The faint sound of giggling can be heard. Several pair of eyes search the room until a hole in the ceiling opens up and the faerie flutters out. “TP didn’t do it. Faerie’s bored. She wants more room to play. Silly humans.”

She Can Hear A Mouse Fart

“I don’t know where they are now. I can’t tell you what I don’t know.”

“The tall one is here all the time. Some of your neighbors say he lives here. If a man spends that much time in a woman’s home she must know where he prefers to wander.” Nana says.

Writer Lady makes a face.

“Are you feeling okay?” Tony Johnson a.k.a. The Window Weather Woman asks. “You look a little pale.”

“I’m fine.” Writer Lady responds. “It’s just that my Dobby Cat and I live here with the kittens. Tinkletoes comes to see Dobby. He doesn’t live here.”

Nana raises an eyebrow, “With all of the wild stories that circulate the neighborhood about this address you expect us to believe that it’s just you and some cats?”

“Yes.”

An irritated ‘hmm’ erupted from her lips. “Your neighbor, Mrs. McGillicuddy has mentioned all kinds of strange business happening over here.” Nana says as she points to an address two houses down and across the street from Writer Lady’s home. The address rock sitting in the front yard is etched with the name McGillicuddy. “That nut job Tinklefeet tearing up your yard, putting barbed wire fences up all around, shooting things. She says some days there’s a fog so thick surrounding this place that no one can see the house or its inhabitants for days at a time.”

“It is true that Tinkletoes does spend time here. He’s friends with Dobby Cat. It’s also true they do things they really shouldn’t at times. Strange fogs surrounding this house for days making it invisible? If that were true wouldn’t someone be stopping by and asking questions? Wouldn’t the fire department want to check things over if that were the case?”

“Mrs. McGillicuddy says that’s what she saw.” Nana responds.

Writer Lady looks from Nana to Tony and back again.

“What are you up to?” Nana persists. “No good if today’s events are any reflection of what goes on in this place.”

Growing tired of the onslaught Writer Lady interrupts. “You know what? I don’t give a flying fig what Mrs. McGillicuddy saw. If the woman took interest in something other than what her neighbors were doing she might be a happier person who doesn’t waste their days circulating ridiculous stories.”

TP pops up behind Nana’s shoulder. The faerie is dressed in the same tailored pants, dressy blouse and flats as the octogenarian. He raises his hand and points at Writer Lady, mirroring Nana.

“Whether you agree with someone or not you need to always show respect for your elders. Suggesting someone is a busybody is not respectful.”

TP checks his hair a moment before Nana raises a hand to her own. When Tony Johnson, The Window Weather Woman looks at Writer Lady with an ‘Are you seeing what I’m seeing?’ look, Writer Lady realizes she could have a bigger problem than what she started with.

While Nana’s attention is still focused on Writer Lady, Miss Tony reaches behind Nana and tries to touch TP. The faerie disappears in a puff of smoke. As the smoke dissipates a banner appears in its place that reads:

No Touchie Touchie!--

Thank you.

Management

 

The banner disappears the moment it has been read. Tony Johnson looks at Writer Lady. It is the first time anyone outside House’s walls has seen one of the magical creatures that reside within her.

“Do you have any idea what happens when young people do not respect their elders?” Nana asks.

Writer Lady whispers, “Things get worse with each passing moment.”

“Exactly.” Nana says. She leans in closer to Writer Lady. “You didn’t think I could hear that did you? I may be getting up there but my mind and my ears are sharp as ever!” She proclaims. “I know when people have critters in their homes.” Nana nods. “I can hear a mouse fart! It’s not a pleasant sound.”

“That’s good to know.” Writer Lady responds nodding. She looks at Tony Johnson who is no longer looking for TP. The woman has turned her attention to House. Writer Lady can tell the wheels are turning in the weather woman’s brain. She’s thinking about what Mrs. McGillicuddy saw and is wondering if there might actually be something to it.

“Are you going to give up those perverts or not?” Nana asks.

“No.” Writer Lady responds. “They are not perverts. They are odd. They do things which aren’t too bright sometimes. I’m sure this has been some kind of mix up or misunderstanding. I will find out what happened and see to it that it never happens again.”

Miss Tony sees something above Writer Lady’s head. It inspires her to make a hasty retreat. As she reaches out for Nana and gently guides the older woman to the car parked behind them she says, “As long as they apologize and make amends for what happened, that’s what matters. We’ll be going now. Thank you.”

Writer Lady watches as her visitors prepare to leave. She finds herself wondering about Tony Johnson’s need to lower the visor on the passenger side of the vehicle obscuring Nana’s view of House. Once the car is out of sight, Writer Lady steps outside to find a sign posted above her door that reads:

Tony Johnson, Window Weather Woman touched my bum!

“TP!” Writer Lady calls out. “Take it down! Now!”

House’s mural image appears in the storm door glass in front of her. “You wanted them to leave. TP made sure they did. It’s pretty creative if you ask me.”

“They’re gone.” Writer Lady says to House. “According to our agreement no changes can be made to your outside that are not reasonable and easily explainable in my world. Take it down. NOW!”

“Okay, okay. You don’t have to yell.”

The sign disappears. Turning around Writer Lady checks to see if anyone else has had a chance to see the sign before it was removed. She looks in the direction of the McGillicuddy house and sees that the vehicles are gone. All appears to be quiet. Breathing a sigh of relief she goes back inside to find three stooges standing in her bonus room. “What?...Why?...HOW?” She asks.

Tinkletoes gestures to the door still standing open behind him. “Back door.”

Writer Lady growls in exasperation.

Ray looks at Tinkletoes. “Duude, you’ve got some explaining to do.”