She Can Hear A Mouse Fart

“I don’t know where they are now. I can’t tell you what I don’t know.”

“The tall one is here all the time. Some of your neighbors say he lives here. If a man spends that much time in a woman’s home she must know where he prefers to wander.” Nana says.

Writer Lady makes a face.

“Are you feeling okay?” Tony Johnson a.k.a. The Window Weather Woman asks. “You look a little pale.”

“I’m fine.” Writer Lady responds. “It’s just that my Dobby Cat and I live here with the kittens. Tinkletoes comes to see Dobby. He doesn’t live here.”

Nana raises an eyebrow, “With all of the wild stories that circulate the neighborhood about this address you expect us to believe that it’s just you and some cats?”

“Yes.”

An irritated ‘hmm’ erupted from her lips. “Your neighbor, Mrs. McGillicuddy has mentioned all kinds of strange business happening over here.” Nana says as she points to an address two houses down and across the street from Writer Lady’s home. The address rock sitting in the front yard is etched with the name McGillicuddy. “That nut job Tinklefeet tearing up your yard, putting barbed wire fences up all around, shooting things. She says some days there’s a fog so thick surrounding this place that no one can see the house or its inhabitants for days at a time.”

“It is true that Tinkletoes does spend time here. He’s friends with Dobby Cat. It’s also true they do things they really shouldn’t at times. Strange fogs surrounding this house for days making it invisible? If that were true wouldn’t someone be stopping by and asking questions? Wouldn’t the fire department want to check things over if that were the case?”

“Mrs. McGillicuddy says that’s what she saw.” Nana responds.

Writer Lady looks from Nana to Tony and back again.

“What are you up to?” Nana persists. “No good if today’s events are any reflection of what goes on in this place.”

Growing tired of the onslaught Writer Lady interrupts. “You know what? I don’t give a flying fig what Mrs. McGillicuddy saw. If the woman took interest in something other than what her neighbors were doing she might be a happier person who doesn’t waste their days circulating ridiculous stories.”

TP pops up behind Nana’s shoulder. The faerie is dressed in the same tailored pants, dressy blouse and flats as the octogenarian. He raises his hand and points at Writer Lady, mirroring Nana.

“Whether you agree with someone or not you need to always show respect for your elders. Suggesting someone is a busybody is not respectful.”

TP checks his hair a moment before Nana raises a hand to her own. When Tony Johnson, The Window Weather Woman looks at Writer Lady with an ‘Are you seeing what I’m seeing?’ look, Writer Lady realizes she could have a bigger problem than what she started with.

While Nana’s attention is still focused on Writer Lady, Miss Tony reaches behind Nana and tries to touch TP. The faerie disappears in a puff of smoke. As the smoke dissipates a banner appears in its place that reads:

No Touchie Touchie!--

Thank you.

Management

 

The banner disappears the moment it has been read. Tony Johnson looks at Writer Lady. It is the first time anyone outside House’s walls has seen one of the magical creatures that reside within her.

“Do you have any idea what happens when young people do not respect their elders?” Nana asks.

Writer Lady whispers, “Things get worse with each passing moment.”

“Exactly.” Nana says. She leans in closer to Writer Lady. “You didn’t think I could hear that did you? I may be getting up there but my mind and my ears are sharp as ever!” She proclaims. “I know when people have critters in their homes.” Nana nods. “I can hear a mouse fart! It’s not a pleasant sound.”

“That’s good to know.” Writer Lady responds nodding. She looks at Tony Johnson who is no longer looking for TP. The woman has turned her attention to House. Writer Lady can tell the wheels are turning in the weather woman’s brain. She’s thinking about what Mrs. McGillicuddy saw and is wondering if there might actually be something to it.

“Are you going to give up those perverts or not?” Nana asks.

“No.” Writer Lady responds. “They are not perverts. They are odd. They do things which aren’t too bright sometimes. I’m sure this has been some kind of mix up or misunderstanding. I will find out what happened and see to it that it never happens again.”

Miss Tony sees something above Writer Lady’s head. It inspires her to make a hasty retreat. As she reaches out for Nana and gently guides the older woman to the car parked behind them she says, “As long as they apologize and make amends for what happened, that’s what matters. We’ll be going now. Thank you.”

Writer Lady watches as her visitors prepare to leave. She finds herself wondering about Tony Johnson’s need to lower the visor on the passenger side of the vehicle obscuring Nana’s view of House. Once the car is out of sight, Writer Lady steps outside to find a sign posted above her door that reads:

Tony Johnson, Window Weather Woman touched my bum!

“TP!” Writer Lady calls out. “Take it down! Now!”

House’s mural image appears in the storm door glass in front of her. “You wanted them to leave. TP made sure they did. It’s pretty creative if you ask me.”

“They’re gone.” Writer Lady says to House. “According to our agreement no changes can be made to your outside that are not reasonable and easily explainable in my world. Take it down. NOW!”

“Okay, okay. You don’t have to yell.”

The sign disappears. Turning around Writer Lady checks to see if anyone else has had a chance to see the sign before it was removed. She looks in the direction of the McGillicuddy house and sees that the vehicles are gone. All appears to be quiet. Breathing a sigh of relief she goes back inside to find three stooges standing in her bonus room. “What?...Why?...HOW?” She asks.

Tinkletoes gestures to the door still standing open behind him. “Back door.”

Writer Lady growls in exasperation.

Ray looks at Tinkletoes. “Duude, you’ve got some explaining to do.”