TP'S SECRET MISSION

 

“You can’t go to your mom’s today.” Tinkletoes says. He watches as Writer Lady assembles a box of freshly baked triple chocolate cupcakes decorated with dark chocolate frosting and miniature bunny sprinkles.

“Yes I can.” Writer Lady responds. “It’s spring. There's a lot of work on the farm this time of year. She needs help. Why wouldn’t I go?” She asks.

“Because it’s spring here too. It’s busy and I…” the self-proclaimed mercenary says as he gestures to Carp, Ray, Diomedes etc… “...we have a lot going on. There won’t be anything for us to eat.”

“Aunt Purdy has taken charge of the kitchen today. You’ll be well fed.”

He shifts his stance before making another attempt at getting custody of the cupcakes. “You’re always going out there on the weekends, holidays too. It’s not very nice the way you keep leaving your cats here.”

Writer Lady gestures to the crowded living room, “There's work that needs to be done at the farm. Even if that wasn’t the case if you take into consideration the fact that many of my friends are not of this dimension, I can’t exactly invite my mother here. If she were to see Furnatche, Diomedes or Daemon...Mom would, well, it wouldn’t be a good thing.” She shakes her head. “Besides, Dobby and I have an agreement. We have cuddle time when I get home and he doesn’t have to go to Grandma’s. Dobby and the kittens don’t like road trips.”

“What about? Maybe someone else would like to go with you.”

Writer Lady looks around the house. Everyone is rifling through snacks or playing video games. The sound of cabinets opening and closing can be heard as Aunt Purdy works in the kitchen. Writer Lady hears Paige remind Ray, yet again, that when he’s eaten all the cheese puffs there are no more until someone goes to the store and he should pace himself. “Like who?”

“Like, well, I don’t know...me.” Tinkletoes responds.

Writer Lady shakes her head. “After The Ninja-Zombie War we set up rules regarding your presence in my life. What’s the first rule?’

“Something dumb like I’m never to be seen in public with you.”

“It sounds dumb to you. There’s a reason I made that rule. I made that rule because you make messes. You not only break things, you destroy them. This is a small town, if we’re together when you make a big mess or destroy something people assume that I participated as well or worse...that we’re a couple." Writer Lady thinks for a minute, "Why would you want to go with me, I thought you had plans, maneuvers or war games or whatever it is that you do.”

“Our outdoor survival weekend had to be canceled. Too much rain. Everything’s turned to mud. There’s nothing solid to pitch a tent to. If I go out to the farm with you I could do some scouting in new territory. Show Carp a thing or two.”

“No.”

Tinkletoes opens his mouth.

“No.” Writer Lady repeats before she leaves the room.

“I don’t understand what the big deal is.”

“You don’t understand why she won’t be seen with you?” Carp asks.

Tinkletoes looks at Carp. “No. What’s her problem?”

“Well, you’re loud, obnoxious, selfish, uncouth. When you aren’t acting that way you break stuff.”

“Do not.”

“Correction. You blow things up. When you aren’t blowing things up you make a mess.”

“Name one time.” Tinkletoes says, challenging the assassin-in-training.

“The time her sheds were shot apart.”

“That wasn’t me. It was the old man.”

“Who invited him over to do MAN things?” Carp asked.

“That might have been a little bit me.”

“Who used her unmentionables for homemade experiments?”

“That was a while ago and I replaced them.”

“Going to the store and crying in the feminine napkins aisle because you find it confusing until you’re escorted from the store doesn’t count.”

“I’m a guy! It's confusing!”

“The Ninja-Zombie War.” Carp says looking at Tinkletoes with a raised brow.

“We won that.”

“You let thousands of Ninja-Zombies into the main hall of the convention center when there were only two people to defend it. Writer Lady and Monitor Man were nearly killed.”

“We won that. They didn’t die because I showed up with reinforcements...and explosives.”

“They had a solid plan before you got there.”

Tinkletoes’ eyes grow dark. His jaw tightens. “Monitor Man started it. If that pretty boy hadn’t of pissed off the ninja-zombies and gotten himself kidnapped none of it would have happened.”

Carp rolls his eyes. “You're a big obnoxious gorilla who throws food at people and wonders why they don’t stop at his enclosure to say hello.”

“Poop.” Writer Lady says as she walks through the room. “He’s like a gorilla who throws his poop.” She picks up her bag, then her tote, followed by the box of cupcakes. “I’m going. Have a nice day. See you tonight.”

Ray stops her on her way through the kitchen, “Dude...can you pick up some cheese puffs on the way home?” He asks.

“The store is closed today. We can pick some more up tomorrow.”

Ray nods.

“She keeps too many secrets.” Tinkletoes says as he watches Writer Lady and Ray’s exchange.

Carp rolls his eyes, “She does not keep secrets. She just knows better than to include you.”

The self-proclaimed mercenary watches as Writer Lady gets closer and closer to the door. Tinkletoes looks at TP then jerks his head in Writer Lady’s direction. The faerie nods. A giggle escapes as he disappears. Within seconds there is a faerie sized lump in Writer Lady’s tote bag. TP’s head slowly rises over the bag’s edge. He waves good-bye to Tinkletoes and Carp as Writer Lady walks out the door.

Writer Lady and Dobby Cat’s Grandma’s voices fade as they go outside to do things in something called an orchard. Her tote is left hanging on a hook just inside the door. TP can still smell the cupcakes that have been left sitting on a shelf above him.

“New place, sights and smells. Cupcakes right where TP can get them. Silly human.” TP is deciding whether discovering what an orchard is like or if eating a cupcake is a better option when he hears the sound of something moving from deeper inside the house. The sound grows louder. He flies up and peers over the edge of the bag. He discovers a large wet nose on the other side of it. TP looks down a reddish-brown snout attached to the large nose and find’s the animal’s eyes.

“Canis lupus familiaris, dog...bloodhound mix, female.” The faerie whispers. “Hello canine. I’m TP. I’ll be happy to be your friend if you show me everything. Understand?”

The reddish-brown dog with large floppy ears responds with an enthusiastic “Woof!”

TP floats above the dog, spinning in the air above her, he changes into a pair of close fitting khaki pants, a matching safari shirt and a safari vest. A Stetson safari hat and heavy boots complete the ensemble. TP floats down to sit behind the dog’s head. A faerie size walking stick appears in TP’s left hand, pointing it towards the door leading outside he calls, “Let us go forth into the orchard. Forward my good lady!”