Guy Things

“I'm a little deeper man. I'm a guy.” -- Duncan “Sweets” Donut.

“It's okay Mr. Donut, you don't have to tell everyone. They know.” -- Carp

“What should we do first?” Mr. Donut asks.

“You are our guest Mr. Donut. What would you like to do first?” Carp asks.

“Don't call me Mr. Donut. We're friends. No...wait.” Mr. Donut lowers his voice, “We're all guys. Call me “Sweets” or “Duncan.”

“Okay...Sweets. What would you like to do on your first day as one of the guys?” Carp asks.

“Yeah. A man gives up a lot when he gets married. You said Mrs. Donut wouldn't let you hunt. Let me show you how to fire a gun. We'll have you tearing things up like Rambo in no time.” Tinkletoes says reaching for Mr. Donut's arm.

“Actually there is one thing I'd like to do. I have not done it on my own terms in 47 years. It would feel so good to do it again.”

“I thought you said you couldn't do that stuff anymore.” Tinkletoes says.

“It's not that. Mrs. Donut and I had a grand time while she was alive. This is something else. It's a little embarrassing.” Duncan Donut grabs Carp by the arm and whispers in his ear.

Carp laughs for a second. “No Sweets we're all guys here. You can do that.”

“When should I?”

“Whenever you want to.” Carp says.

“Should I warn you first?” Mr. Donut asks.

“No just let her rip.” Carp says.

Mr. Donut concentrates for a moment and lets out a gentle toot! He blushes waiting to be reprimanded. “Okay. I'm done.” He says. “How liberating.” He announces with a smile.

“You're telling us you haven't farted in 47 years?” Tinkletoes asks.

“I have but never in this house. Never in the presence of a lady. I was encouraged as a boy that controlling where and how often I um...'broke wind' was my duty as a gentleman.”

“Even the little farts like that one?” Tinkletoes asks.

Mr. Donut nods.

“I wouldn't let no woman tell me when I could fart.” Tinkletoes says.

“You have nothing to worry about. Women don't get that close.” Carp points out.

“Writer Lady doesn't have a problem with me.” Tinkletoes says.

“You don't act the same around her. You shower and shave. You won't eat beans if you know you're going to see Dobby the next day.” Carp says.

“It sounds like he likes her.” Mr. Donut says teasing.

“He does.” Carp says.

“Does she like him?” Mr. Donut asks.

“If you listen to what she says, she tolerates him.” Carp says.

“I knew it.” Tinkletoes says. “I'm growing on her. Just like a tumor.” He smiles.

“Then he opens his mouth.” Carp says.

“What?” Tinkletoes asks. “I don't know why we're wasting time talking about women anyway. Daylight's a burnin'. It's time to blow something up.” He says walking out the front door, the dress' skirt fluttering along the top of his calves.

Tinkletoes' artillery bag hits the grass in Writer Lady's back yard with a thud. “Now this is what I'm talkin' about. This is how a man is meant to spend the Fourth of July.” He says. Tinkletoes is back in his camouflage and combat boots, the dress he was wearing minutes before just a memory. Unzipping the bag, Tinkletoes spreads a blanket on to the grass then he starts pulling guns, knives and ammo out and setting them down on the blanket. Mr. Donut picks up a grenade, throwing it into the air. Tinkletoes reaches out and catches it. “This is a grenade. It's not a toy. Don't throw it around like that.”

“I thought that's what we were here for.” Mr. Donut says.

“We are. But you're not ready for the grenades yet.”

Mr. Donut picks something else up.

“Nah...ah...ah. That's a flame thrower. You're not ready for that either.” Tinkletoes says taking the weapon from him. “We'll start with something simple.” Tinkletoes takes a knife out of his bag and unsheathes it. “This is a combat knife.” Tinkletoes says, handing it to Mr. Donut. “I want you to throw it at that tree.” He instructs pointing to an oak on the far side of the yard. “We can check out your aim.”

Holding his arm up, Mr. Donut tosses the knife. It ricochets off of Writer Lady's shed and hits a squirrel across the back of the head. The squirrel falls from it's perch on side of the tree, landing on the ground.

“How's it going?” Carp asks as he enters the back yard.

“There's good news and bad news.” Mr. Donut says. “My aim isn't very good.”

“No it isn't. His aim is so bad he bagged a squirrel. First try.”

Coming to, the squirrel raises its head and looking around runs up the tree it had fallen off of moments before.

“You didn't want to eat that did ya?” Tinkletoes asks. “That is my first rule of being a guy. If you kill something you gotta eat it.”