Tinkletoes--Up For Retraining

The chorus of angels can be heard echoing throughout the house.

Laaaaaa....a.....a..laaaaaaaaaaaaa...

Carp looks at Writer Lady. “What did I tell you? Angels Singing.”

The angels sing out.

He's Beautiful..........................

Tinkletoes looks out the kitchen window at his fence which sits undisturbed. “What's going on? How did he?” Tinkletoes demands.

Writer Lady walks over to Mural Man.  “Mural Man is that you?”   She whispers.

“Yeah. It's still me.”  Mural Man says.

Writer Lady keeps staring.  Circling around Mural Man.  Carp waits for her at the end of her orbit.

“Amazing isn't it?”  Carp asks.

“Uncanny.”  Writer Lady says as she absentmindedly fusses with her hair.  “Are you hungry Mural Man?  Can I get you anything?”

“No. I'm still essentially a really big piece of paper so I can't eat or drink anything.”

Reminded that this is in fact Mural Man,  “Oh. Of course,” Writer Lady says taking a step back.

“If you're still paper then it will be real easy for me to wad you butt up into a tight little ball.”  Tinkletoes says.

“You don't want to do that.”  Mural Man says.

“Why don't I want to do that?” Tinkletoes asks pushing the table aside.   “Maybe I should just make the world's biggest pile of spit balls out of you instead.”

“That wouldn't be very nice either.”  Mural Man says.

“Why do I want to be nice?”  Tinkletoes asks crossing the room in two steps, stopping nose to nose with Mural Man.

“Because.” Mural Man says, leaning in closer. “TP made me this way so I can help your stubborn backside.”  Standing back up there is red mark across Tinkletoes' nose.

“That's a cheap shot and I want you to know that it doesn't hurt.”  Tinkletoes says.

“He didn't touch you. Did he?”  Writer Lady asks.

Mural Man looks at the floor.   “I did.  I used the only weapon I have.”

Writer Lady sighs.  “Let me look.”   She inspects Tinkletoes' nose.   “It's a paper cut.   I think you'll live.   Peter?  Will you please get me the...” A bottle of peroxide and cotton balls materialize on the kitchen counter before Writer Lady can finish getting the words out.  She cleans Tinkletoes' war wound.

“Paper cuts don't seem like much but they burn.” Tinkletoes says.

Writer Lady rolls her eyes.  “So are you men done fighting or what?  It's getting really violent in here I'm not sure I'll get any sleep tonight if this keeps up.  I thought you two were friends.”

Aunt Purdy quietly escorts the children and the baby dragon from the room.

“I thought we were.  But a guy who's a friend doesn't wait until another guy is trying to keep someone out and then dress up like the guy his friend is trying to catch in the kill zone.  That's not nice.”  Tinkletoes says.

“How nice is it to try catch someone in a kill zone?”  Writer Lady asks.

“Look woman.   I had a reason.  A damn good one.”  Tinkletoes says.

“A reason that has no foundation in reality—at all.”  Writer Lady says pushing on Tinkletoes' chest with her finger.   “You were wrong to tear up my yard and wrong to set up a kill zone for anything.   Admit it!”

Mural Man, Carp and TP quietly watch the exchange shaking their heads.

Tinkletoes looks over at the others.  They hold up a banner only Tinkletoes can see.

Apologize

Tinkletoes mouths “What?”

Say You're Sorry

Tinkletoes shakes his head.

“Fine. Fine.   Just get out.   Clean up my yard.  That's all I want, finish cleaning up my yard.”

Tinkletoes leaves the room with Mural Man, Carp and TP in tow. They leave Writer Lady in the kitchen cleaning up the mess from the over turned breakfast table alternately screaming and muttering profanities.

Once the men are outside.  {We are counting Mural Man as a man because man is in his name, he looks like one, and House loves his sweet tushy so that's close enough.}  Mural Man, Carp and TP form a semi-circle around Tinkletoes.

“I never do anything wrong and I'm always getting yelled at.”   Tinkletoes starts to complain.

“That is why I'm here.” Mural Man says.

“Why?”

“Because you keep screwing things up.”  Carp says.

“You need serious help.”  TP giggles.

“What, what'd I do?”   Tinkletoes asks.

“I think this might take a while.  Should we try the comfortable or the uncomfortable approach?”  Mural Man asks.  Both TP and Carp look at Mural Man with blank stares. “Come on guys.  Huddle up.” The three start whispering amongst themselves.

Tinkletoes starts looking at the barbed wire fence and muttering.  “I think I see the problem. There's a design flaw between the third and fourth rows.”  Seeing his friends occupied, the mercenary quietly steps further and further away from the group.

“You!”  Mural Man says pointing to Tinkletoes.   “Come back here.  We aren't finished.”

Tinkletoes returns to the group.

“Stay.” Mural Man says.

Tinkletoes stands in one place.

“Stay.”  Mural Man says putting two fingers next to his eye and pointing in the “I'm watching you” gesture then returning to the huddle.

Several minutes pass.  Mural Man, Carp and TP all clap hands and say “Break.”  Standing up they turn and face Tinkletoes.  TP disappears in a puff of smoke and reappears in his General Tampon uniform (See—General Tampon Takes Over). Snapping his fingers the four are transported to a military classroom.  TP is at the speaker's podium. Carp and Mural Man are sitting in chairs next to the podium.  Facing the podium is a room full of empty school desks.   Tinkletoes is cramped in to the third desk in the front row.  Front and Center the self-proclaimed mercenary is going to learn. Guy Stuff.