Here's Where Things Get Complicated

“Those are my panties.  He's wearing my panties.”  Writer Lady says.

“Mi'lady?”  Diomedes inquires.

Remembering the dragon in the bathroom Writer Lady backs into the room and shuts the door quickly.  Facing Diomedes she leans back against the vanity and pastes on a smile.   “Could you stay here for a minute?”  She asks.

“I thought I was going to see my place of birth.”  Diomedes says.

“You are, but something has come up.”  She mutters, “Up out of the cauldron and into my panties, the heathen.”

“Sorry?”  Diomedes asks.

“If you could just wait here for me.”

“Of course Mi'lady.”  Diomedes says with a nod.

“Whatever you hear...don't open the door.”  Writer Lady says.

“I will do whatever you ask.”

“Thank you Diomedes.”   She says.

The dragon nods.

Opening the door, Writer Lady steps into the hallway closing the door behind her, by then Tinkletoes is standing at the demon's side.   Writer Lady glares at Tinkletoes.

“I didn't do it.”  He says.

“Yet you are standing next to the demon that is wearing my panties on his horns and doing nothing.”  Writer Lady says.

“I can explain.”

Writer Lady raises an eyebrow and waits.

“How much do you know about demons?”  He asks.

There is silence.

“I don't know much either.  Did you know that Freddy Krueger was a demon?”

More silence.

“I didn't know.  You were kind of sympathetic to Freddy Krueger that one time...so I thought I might mention it.”

Writer Lady quietly crosses her arms in front of her.

“TP finally showed up.  This demon has a name.   It's Damon.  Damon is kind of big and stupid.”

Damon looks down at Tinkletoes sadly.

“That's what TP said.  I'm sorry.”  Tinkletoes says looking at Damon.  He looks back at Writer Lady.  “Damon is kind of big and stupid.   There's one problem. He makes things explode.  The upside is he's easily entertained.  It turns out lacy panties are his thing.”

“Those were my panties.”  Writer Lady says.

“It was for a good cause?”   Tinkletoes asks nodding.

Damon nods in time with Tinkletoes.

Writer Lady's face grows red.  Her eyes narrow.

Feeling a breeze Tinkletoes looks up at Damon and sees the demon nodding.  The lace panties are swishing in the air looking spent and lifeless.  “Hey man. You're not helping.”  Tinkletoes says looking

up at Damon sternly.  “I told you to leave the ones with the little red hearts on them alone.  Too girlie.”

“I'll try to remember that the next time I go shopping for lingerie.”  Writer Lady says glaring.

Damon nods at Writer Lady with great seriousness.

“So um...do you have any more?”

“What?”

“Panties.  The lacy ones.”  Tinkletoes says.

“Not in your color.”   Writer Lady says.

“I'm only asking because they keep Damon occupied.”

“I know.  I don't have any more.  The demon has found and destroyed the only lacy things I own.”

“That's what Dobby said.”

“Then why are you asking me?”  She asks.

“He's a cat.   How much attention does he pay to those things?”

“Good point.  Maybe it's time Damon went home.”  Writer Lady suggests.

“We have yet to establish an evacuation plan.   There's been a breakdown in communication.  Our source is not cooperating.”

“TP?”

“I have him confined and under watch but the lil' guy won't budge.”  Tinkletoes says.  “Big and stupid was all TP would say.”

“Mi'lady?”

Writer Lady turns to see light coming through a narrow slit.  The bathroom door was opening, slowly, but it was opening.  “Coming Diomedes.”  She pokes her head in through the door, there is muffled talking, she shuts the bathroom door closing it tight.  She rushes back to Tinkletoes and Damon.   “Sorry.”

“Was that the dragon?”  Tinkletoes asks.

“Yes that was Diomedes.  I was trying to get him out of the bathroom and talked him into moving into High Command.  I was just taking him over when I saw Damon.”

“If Diomedes is a dragon how did he open the door?”  Tinkletoes asks.

“That's a good question.   Feel free to ask him later.”

“Don't you want to know?”

“At this point, no, I don't want to know.”

“He's a dragon.   No thumbs.”   Tinkletoes says holding both hands up, bending then straightening his thumbs.

“Look around you.  In this house, magic happens.  There's a faerie in the living room, a dragon in the bathroom and a demon standing in front of me.  I don't care about the why at this moment.  Right now I'm concerned with how we can put things in some kind of working order.”

“Send them back.”  Tinkletoes says.

“Sending them back doesn't work.  I already tried that.  They just return with more.”

“You're going to have to come up with something.  Sooner or later that dragon is going to poop and I'm not cleaning it up.”  He says.

“Excuse me?”

Tinkletoes looks up at Damon “I think we've reach a stalemate here.”  He says.

“Keep Damon busy.  I'll get some information out of TP.”   Writer Lady says turning for the living room.  “Stay away from Diomedes until we get this sorted out too.”

The self-proclaimed mercenary nods, waits a couple of minutes and starts walking towards the bathroom.

“I mean it!”  Writer Lady calls.

Tinkletoes turns around and guides Damon into the bedroom.  “Those little hearts look silly as hell on you.”   He says.

Damon nods, the little red hearts fluttering furiously.

“Okay TP.  I've had enough of your games.  Let's talk.”   Writer Lady says sitting down on the couch next to the TV tray the faerie's enclosure is sitting on.   The faerie is sitting on a tiny stool on the bottom of the glass.  His clothes rumpled, hair disheveled and pouting for all he's worth.

“No.”   TP says.

“TP you know that calling forth a demon was the wrong thing to do.”

“TP was helping.”

“Who were you helping?”

“Him, them guys,”  TP says pointing to Carp, Ray, Peter, Dylan and Furnatche. “Everyone.”

Writer Lady takes a deep breath before speaking.  “The thing is I talked to the big, scary dragon.  His name is Diomedes, he's not dangerous and bears no ill will towards anyone.  We don't need Damon to kill Diomedes. For the record nothing dies in this house ever.    Unless you see a bug.  Damon can go home now.”

“Damon can't go home.”  TP says.

“Damon can and will be sent home now.”  Writer Lady says.

It's TP's turn to sigh.  “Damon's big and stupid he makes things go Kaboom!  No one wants him there.”

“He's a friend and you wanted to help him.”  She says.

TP nods.

“Diomedes is here.  You said he makes things go Kaboom!  I can't have him here. I don't have the means to clean up those kinds messes TP.   Why don't you take Damon to Faerie?”

“TP took Damon to Faerie, he made a unicorn explode and sat on a village of pixies.   Faerie sent him back to the Underworld.  The Underworld left him at the door hoping...”

“Hoping some idiots would call forth a demon.”

TP nods.

“Those idiots just happened to be in my house at the time.   Yippee.”   Writer Lady says shaking her head.

Tinkletoes enters the living room with Damon in tow.  “We have a problem.”

Damon's eyes are large with fright, his skin is pale and breathing is labored.  There is a bottle of sunscreen stuck up his nose.

Diomedes And His Creator

“No.”  Dobby says.

Tinkletoes, Carp and Ray all look at each other.

“It's not the worst idea.”  Tinkletoes says.

“It's not the best idea either.   Try again.”  Dobby says.

“If you'd just do it for a little while.”   Carp suggests.

“Five minutes.”  Tinkletoes asks.

“Dude.”   Ray encourages.

“You did bring forth this demon, it's only right that you're responsible for it.”   Tinkletoes says.

Dobby looks up at Tinkletoes, Carp and Ray.

“You need to step up.”   Tinkletoes says.

“I need to step up?”  Dobby nods.  “The same way the three of you stepped up to help with the dragon?   I have spent the last half hour helping Mom convince that thing in the bathroom that a man in a suit of armor isn't going to climb out of the toilet looking for a sparring partner.”

“It was so quiet, I thought she'd killed it by now.”   Tinkletoes says.

Dobby glares at Tinkletoes.

“Butchered it, maybe set up a spit to cook the meat on.”

Dobby rolls his eyes.

“You have to admit that woman has a temper.”  Tinkletoes says.

“Did she find out who the dragon is?  Where it came from?”  Carp asks diplomatically.

“It's Diomedes, a dragon from one of Mom's stories.  House and Mural Man met him while they were on vacation in Faerie.   He wanted to know about all about our world when he found out House and Mural Man live with the woman who created him he convinced them to let him return with them.”

“Why didn't they just say 'no'?”  Tinkletoes asks.

“If you're made out of paper are you going tell a dragon that can breathe fire 'no'?”  Dobby asks.

“Oh...um...yeah.  Good point.”  Tinkletoes says.  “What's happening now?”

“Mom's trying to convince him that he needs to find another part of the house to make his territory.”

Writer Lady sits on the toilet lid looking at the dragon who is studying her from across the room.  The dragon in turn yawns.  He peruses the room a couple more times and then addresses his hostess.

“Are you quite sure my assistance is not needed?  There are no knights or other insidious beings lurking below?”

“No Diomedes.  As I explained to you before I am sitting on a modern day chamber pot.  One puts things down the hole.   Nothing comes up it.”

“I think I'll just stay here and observe for a while.”

“Diomedes, as I explained before, it is nice that you came to visit but this is a bathroom.  You can't make this your cave.”

“I have not seen one before.   It's most interesting.”

“People leave their waste here.   I shower in here.”

“Yes.  I am most anxious to observe a shower.  Are they fun?”

“Diomedes when a person showers...I take off all of my clothes when I shower.  I won't have you in here while I'm doing that.”

“Yes.”  Diomedes smiles and chuckles.  “You humans are still uncomfortable with your nudity aren't you?”

Letting out a sigh Writer Lady agrees willing to do almost anything to get this mess sorted out.   “I am uncomfortable with my own nudity, so if you would please find another place to claim as your own.”

“I'm sorry Mi'lady, I cannot.  Do you have any idea what an honor it is for a fictional character to meet their creator?  It is like you would feel encountering a superior species or perhaps even a god.  I want to learn everything I possibly can about you.”  Diomedes says settling his mass down in a more comfortable position.   “So tell me, what is your favourite colour?”

Writer Lady slumps over, covering her head with her arms and groans.

“Once the fierce dragon claims his spot, Writer Lady has to move her chamber pot.” TP pops in giggling.

“Grab him!”  Tinkletoes yells.

TP pops back out before anyone gets near the faerie.  “You're going to have to move faster than that.  Silly humans.”  TP says giggling from just above Carp's shoulder.   He pops out again quickly.

“Your turn.”   TP says popping in above Tinkletoes' head then popping back out. Everyone misses again.

“My turn.”   TP calls from between Furnatche's feet, giggling and disappearing again.  “This is fun!”  The faerie calls from right between Ray's eyes when four hands smack him flattening TP against Ray's forehead.

“Dudes.”  Ray says.   “You almost woke me up.”

“Don't move.”  Tinkletoes says.  “Hey kid.”  He says looking at Peter, “Get me a glass and a spatula.”

Peter runs out of the room returning with the requested items.   Tinkletoes and Carp slowly lift their hands.  Tinkletoes covers TP with the glass, enclosing the faerie in his own dome like one would when catching a bug or a wasp.  Easing the spatula between the opening of the glass and Ray's forehead Tinkletoes is able to secure the prisoner.  “No more games faerie.   Tell us what you know about Damon.  Now.”

“Now that I have answered so many of your questions will you answer one of mine?”  Writer Lady asks.

“Yes of course Mi'lady.”   Diomedes answers sitting up proudly.

“If you came here as a guest of House and Mural Man why are you not with them?”

“Their constant canoodling has become tiring.  They suggested I explore at my leisure, perhaps do some hunting.   This is the first room I wandered into after leaving them to their 'activities'.  I was actually searching for my birthplace, the room in which you created me.”

“That would be High Command.  Would you like to see it?”

“Yes. Mi'lady.”

Rising, Writer Lady quickly makes for the door.  “You know High Command is a wonderful place full of fun and creativity.   You would be welcome.   You would have a place of distinction there if you would like to make High Command 'your home away from home' while you are with us.  You would get to meet everyone Dobby, his friends, some of my other characters, even another dragon because we all tend to end up in that room at one time or another.”

“That does sound ideal.”  Diomedes says.  The dragon stands to his full height waiting to follow.

Writer Lady stands still in the bathroom entryway staring across the hall at the demon that has her lacy panties hanging in shreds from his massive horns.

Demon On The Loose

“Sh...”  Tinkletoes says not finishing his word.  Little ears.

They scatter, searching the house.  Finding nothing.   Tinkletoes, Ray, Carp, Peter, and Dylan meet back at the cauldron.

“Where'd it go?”  Tinkletoes asks.

Everyone takes turns shaking their heads.

“Duuude.  He totally disappeared.”  Ray says.

“That was damn near a seven foot tall demon with a rack bigger than a fighting bull.  Look at this house dude where the h...”  Tinkletoes says.

“Little ears.”  Carp says.

Tinkletoes glares at Carp.  “Where the heck could it have gone?”  Tinkletoes is answered with blank stares.   “We have checked all the rooms?”  He asks.

Everyone nods.

“I checked the bonus room.   Ray where did you look?”  Tinkletoes asks.

“Duuude.  The kitchen.”

“Where the food is of course.”  Tinkletoes says.

“Of course.”  Ray repeats and smiles.

“Carp?”   Tinkletoes asks.

“I checked the living room.”

“Peter?”

“Dylan checked the laundry room.  I checked High Command.”

“So we checked every room.”  Tinkletoes says.

“Except one.”  Carp says pointing to Writer Lady's bedroom.

“It's got to be in there.  It's the only room left.”  Tinkletoes says.  “In a situation like this it's best if the soldier with the most experience in this terrain takes the lead.  So which one of us is going in?”

Tinkletoes, Ray and Carp all look at each other waiting for one of the others to volunteer.  After several minutes, all three men look down at the two boys.

“I think we should agree right now that the boys should stay in the living room.”  Carp says.

Tinkletoes looks at Carp.  “I agree.   It wouldn't be right for these two to have to take on a seven foot demon.   That leaves us men.   Who knows the terrain?”

There is a marked silence.

“So is it that none of us have been in a lady's bedroom before or is it that this is Writer Lady's bedroom?”

Silence.

“Rocks, paper, scissors?”   Ray asks.

Tinkletoes and Ray prepare to play.

“Really?  Isn't there a more mature way to handle this?”  Carp asks.

“Pissin' contest?”  Tinkletoes asks.

Ray starts to unzip.

“Outside.”  Tinkletoes says.

“Sorry man.  I forgot.”  Ray says and starts walking to the front door.

Carp coughs.  “How about if we just draw straws?”

“Yeah.”   Tinkletoes says grudgingly.

“Peter do you know what it means to draw straws?”

“Yes sir.”

“Would you please go get us the needed supplies?”  Carp asks.

“Yes.”  Peter says.  He and Dylan run into the kitchen.

Ray continues to the front door.

“Ray, there's no pissin' contest.  We're going to do something else.”  Tinkletoes says.

“We're drawing straws.”  Carp says, coughing and looking at Tinkletoes.

“Ray.   Zip your fly.”  Tinkletoes says.

“Dude.”  Ray says zipping up.  He returns to the center of the room.  “I don't know how drawing pictures of straws is going to help anything.”

Carp starts to explain. Tinkletoes coughs and when Carp looks over at him shakes his head.  There is no time for explanations or diagrams.

The two boys return with three straws.   Each takes one from Dylan's hand.

“A new straw.  Cool.”  Ray says drawing a full length straw.

Tinkletoes and Carp each quickly grab a straw hoping to get the other long one.

  Carp holds up his full length straw.   “It looks like you win Tink.”

“Yeah.  The booby prize.”   Tinkletoes says.  “I am the one with the most battle experience.   It is Writer Lady's bedroom.  There could be anything in there.  Trip wires, land mines, even lasers.”

“Or a demon?”  Carp says.

“This is a job for man who's been to war.”  Tinkletoes says.  “Stand back men.  I'm going in.”

“Duuude.  If you die...”  Ray says.

“No.”  Tinkletoes says as he leaves the room.

Carp feels a tug on his pant leg and looks down to Dylan.

“Is he going to go kaboom?”  Dylan asks.   “Because of Writer Lady's lasers.”

“Writer Lady doesn't have any lasers in her bedroom.   If she did the demon would have tripped them.”

“Dude.   That is brilliant man.”

“Carp is bright but not bright enough.”  TP says giggling.

“What's that supposed to mean?”  Carp asks.

“Damon the demon makes things go boom.”  The faerie giggles.

“How does he make things go boom?”

“I can't tell.”  TP says.  “It's a secret.”   He whispers.

“No it's okay.  You can stay right there.  Just keep doing what you're doing.” Tinkletoes says in the direction of the bedroom doorway.  The self proclaimed mercenary backs into the living room slowly.

“Tinkletoes said “Hi” to Damon.”  TP giggles.

“It's about time you showed up.”  Tinkletoes says.   “How do we handle that thing?”

“That's for me to know and you to figure out.”  TP says.

“I oughtta...”  Tinkletoes says raising his fist.

“That's not going to help.”  Carp points out.

“There's a dragon in the bathroom, a demon in the bedroom and a jack a** in the living room.”   Tinkletoes says glaring at TP.  “What am I supposed to do?”

“What's he doing in there?”  Carp asks.

Tinkletoes turns and looks towards Writer Lady's bedroom.  “Making a mess.” He turns back to Carp.   “He's checking out her underwear drawer.  There were lacy things hanging off of his horns.  They had holes in them.”

“Lacy things make Damon happy.”

“That's not going to make Writer Lady happy.”  Dylan says.

“No it's not.”  Tinkletoes says glaring at TP.  “How do we get that thing out of there?”

“More importantly how much lacy stuff is in that drawer?”  Carp asks.

  Everyone looks at Carp.

“Lacy stuff means Damon stays busy until we've figured out what to do.”  He explains.

“Good point.”  Tinkletoes says.  “Dobby should know. Where's Dobby?”

“Over here.”  Dobby says entering the room.

“Where have you been?”  Tinkletoes asks.

“Helping Mom.”

“The demon is in the bedroom.  He's playing with Writer Lady's lacy stuff.   It's a good thing.   We don't know how to handle him.”

“Ask TP.”

“TP refuses to help.  We need to know how much of that lacy stuff  your Mom has.   Is there a lot?  It would keep that thing occupied until we figure out what to do.”

“She doesn't have much of that stuff around.”  Dobby says.

“Which means we need a plan of attack.  Yesterday.”  Tinkletoes says.

“What do you know about him?”  Dobby asks.

“He likes lacy stuff and he likes to blow things up.”

“He's a demon.”   Ray says.

“What do we know about demons in general?   What makes them happy?”  Carp asks.

“Peter.”   Dylan says, gesturing for his brother to let him whisper something in his ear.

“Yes.”   Peter answers.

Dylan continues whispering.  Peter nods.

“You tell them Dylan it's your idea.”

“Hellboy's a demon and he likes kitties.   Dobby's a kitty he should go play with the demon.”