A Lone Warrior On A Romantic? Quest

“It sounds like Diomedes could use some help.”   Writer Lady says.  She leaves the room reappearing with a fresh bucket of hot soapy water.   “Luckily, you're just the man for the job.”   Taking off the over sized gloves, she hands them to Tinkletoes.  Tinkletoes stares at the blue gloves.  There is another window rattling rumble and a farting noise as Dobby runs back into the room.

“Mom?”  Dobby calls.

“Yes kitty.”

“There's another mess in the living room.”

“Yes I know.”   Writer Lady answers cheerfully as she hands the bucket to Tinkletoes who doesn't reach out to take it from her.

“Here.”  She says, cuing Tinkletoes to take the bucket's handle.

“No.”

“You wanted to be the hero.”

“This doesn't seem very 'hero-y'.”

“Being a hero is standing up and being there for others even when it doesn't impress a large group of admirers.  Sometimes it's not a fun thing to do either.”

“This isn't what I pictured.”   Tinkletoes says.

“The dream is never quite like the reality, is it?  Heroic deeds aren't always slaying monsters, overthrowing evil rulers, or destroying dangerous space aliens sometimes there's just...”

“*&%$.”  Tinkletoes curses.

“Exactly.”

Tinkletoes stands quietly waiting for Writer Lady to change her mind, recognizing that she isn't going to budge he takes the offered bucket by the handle.  “You're right.”  He admits grudgingly.  Tinkletoes looks at TP, Ray, Dobby, and Carp.   “It's time to be heroes.”

Everyone steps out of the entry to let Tinkletoes through.  He looks at them expectantly.  “Are you guys coming?”

Ray begins to take a step forward only to be held back by Carp.

“We can't.”  Carp announces.

“You can't?”

“Of course not, this is a quest.”

“On a quest your buddies are supposed to come with you.”

“In most cases I would agree.”  Carp responds,  “This is a special quest, a romantic quest.  A lone warrior facing dangers of unforeseen magnitudes.   The ultimate expression of his love for the fair maiden.”

“Fair?  Nothing about this is fair.”

“Not fair as in free from injustice but fair as in your beloved, not to mention a fair maiden with light hair and pale skin.”

Tinkletoes studies Writer Lady as he thinks about Carp's explanation,  “You don't get outside much do you?”

Writer Lady glares at Tinkletoes.

“Hey...I noticed.”  He says to her then returns his attention to Carp.   “I have to do this alone?”

“Yes, to prove your devotion to Writer Lady you must go on this quest alone.”

“Okay.”  Tinkletoes says with a brief nod.  “I guess you're worth it.”

“Don't hurt yourself.  It must be difficult coming up with such deep, flowery prose.”

“I won't.”  Tinkletoes answers and goes back to the mission.  “I got this.  How bad can it be?  It's just a bunch of poop.”  Tinkletoes makes his exit and everyone breathes a sigh of relief that they are not accompanying him.

“Duude...I didn't know that there were different kinds of quests.”

“There aren't.  But I can't write “The Saga Of A Man Called Tinkletoes” if I'm in there.  I didn't want to go help clean that up.  Did you?”

“Holy Crap.”  Tinkletoes exclaims running a hand down his face.  “I've seen my share of combat zones but...damn.”  Smears of poop changing colors at regular intervals are spread throughout the room.   There are smudges, splatters, and random piles on the floor, chair and couch; some dripping off of the window frames with audible plops on to Writer Lady's houseplants.   Diomedes sits in the center of it all looking miserable.

“What happened here?”  Tinkletoes asks.

“What was it the little one called it?   The runs.”   Diomedes looks around the room.  “I am most sorry about this.   Terribly embarrassed.”  The dragon proclaims.

“Yeah.  Who wouldn't be.  Do you need some water?”  Tinkletoes asks.

Diomedes shakes his head, “We tried that.  It just makes things well...more fluid.”

“Okay, no water then.”   A wave of scent drifts past Tinkletoes, “What's that smell?”

“My poop?”  Diomedes asks.

“No, this is something else.  It does stink but it also smells like something is cooking.”  Tinkletoes sniffs further turning his head a little further and sniffing again.  He leans towards the television,  “It's coming from here.”  Tinkletoes picks the Big Red Flashlight up off of the floor, turns it on, and peers inside the TV.  “How did you get poop in there?”

“If you don't go help how can you record what happens?”   Writer Lady asks Carp.

“Like this.”  TP says, fluttering to an open space further into the room and out of Tinkletoes' line of sight the faerie waves his hand over air and a large screen appears.  Writer Lady, TP, Ray, Carp, Dobby, Peter, and Dylan can see and hear everything that is going on in the living room.

“Holy Crap.”  Writer Lady exclaims.   “If I had any idea what kind of a mess he was walking into I wouldn't have sent him in there alone.  If you all will excuse me.”  She says heading for the entry into the main house only to find her path blocked by everyone.

“Where do you think you're going?”  Carp asks.

“To help.”

“You cannot.”  TP says giggling.

“Why not?”

“This is a romantic quest.  A lone warrior cannot prove his love for you if you are fighting his battle for him can he?”

Writer Lady stops and thinks about what Carp is saying.   “I guess not.”

“The fair maiden is the absolute last person who should be helping.”

“That's a really big mess.”  Writer Lady points out.  “He can't do this alone.”

“Maybe he can.”  Carp says.  “If you go out there now...you may not say it and he may not say it but in some way he will lose stature with you.”

Writer Lady makes a face.  “I don't think so.”

“Let me explain it to you this way, you helping him now would be like a college kid taking his mother to a kegger as his +1.  He would lose a chunk of his masculinity and I wouldn't have anything interesting for my book either.  Who wants to read about a lone warrior on a romantic quest that saves the day with the aid of the fair maiden whose favor he is seeking.”

“Don't cut off his nuts.”  TP says giggling.