Making Progress

Bugsy jumps up and down within the confines of Diomedes' cavernous mouth.

“Your fae-rie near-ly killed me. What are you go-ing to do a-bout it?” Diomedes says slowly.

“What was that?” House asks.

“Bugsy thinks that you might have hearing or comprehension difficulties. He asked me to speak slowly.” Diomedes answers.

“Excuse me?” House exclaims. “Did you hear that darling? Did you hear what the dragon said to me?”

Mural Man swallows nervously.

Tinkletoes laughs quietly. “House is getting offended because the little bug thinks she's not too bright.” He says to Dobby grinning, “It's okay to laugh Dobby, it's pretty funny.”

“Actually sir, he was referring to the entire group.” Diomedes explains.

“If we're so stupid then why has he been waiting for us to save him?” Tinkletoes asks.

“Because the dragon can't be cured and the mess can't be cleaned up without magic, doofus.” Diomedes answers.

“Them's fighting words you little....virus.” Tinkletoes says staring at Bugsy.

“You will help me.” He says staring back.

“What if I don't?” Tinkletoes asks.

“I am a stomach bug. I become a virus within any non-magical being. I will invade your body and take control of your digestive system, rendering you incapable of eating or drinking. Indefinitely.”

“What if I'm okay with that? Maybe I like to puke.” Tinkletoes says.

“Indefinitely.” Is reiterated. “I can go up to a week without food or water. Can you?” Diomedes asks.

“Let's find out.” Tinkletoes says.

“My carpets. My floors.” House groans.

"House, relax." Mural Man says turning his attention to Bugsy. “Diomedes is sick. He's miserable. House is a mess. We have been trying to help but we don't know what we're up against. You're trying to get through this alone and losing. We have a common cause.” Mural Man points out. “We need to be working together.”

“He's right. We need to stop arguing, work together, and fix this.” Tinkletoes says.

“If you know what's causing this problem Bugsy things can be resolved.” Dobby adds. “Will you work with us?” He asks.

Bugsy paces across the tip of Diomedes' tongue in thought. The bug stops and looks at Tinkletoes shaking his fist, he makes a rude gesture then returns to his pacing.

“He's going to say 'yes'.” Tinkletoes whispers to Dobby and Mural Man. Both look at him doubtfully.

“He looks angry.” Mural Man observes.

“Everyone gets mad at me sooner or later. I'm still around. Trust me. He's gonna say 'yes'.”

Bugsy stops pacing, takes his authoritative stance, and looks at the group. The stomach bug nods.

“For my sake and in the interest of ending the battle he has been fighting in my belly Bugsy agrees to work with you. He says he will tell you everything he knows.” Diomedes says.

“Let the de-briefing begin.” Tinkletoes says grinning.

“TP, we know you used magic to give the cheese balls their speed. All we need to know is how to turn off the spell so we can calm Diomedes' diarrhea.” Writer Lady says peeking into the cricket cage and trying to look pitiful.

TP is in the far corner of the cage, relaxing in his own personal hot tub. “No.” He says.

“If you help I'll let you out of the cage.” Writer Lady says.

“No.”

“Think about Diomedes. How bad he feels, how uncomfortable he must be.” She says.

“Faeries don't get sick. TP always feels good.”

“I know how it feels.” Ray says. “Diarrhea's the worst. Come on man, help him out.”

TP looks up thoughtfully. “TP will not help because TP cannot help.”

Writer Lady and Ray look at TP, waiting for more information.

“Faeries don't get sick. There is no medicine.” He says.

“No medicine?” Writer Lady asks.

TP shakes his head.

“In all of Faerie?”

“We don't need faerie medicine we need dragon medicine.” Ray points out.

“What about dragon medicine or magical animal medicine?” Writer Lady asks.

TP shakes his head.

“Citizens of Faerie cannot be sick in Faerie. Diomedes is sick here. He needs your medicine.”

“When faerie dust or magicus pulvus is conjured the strength, its ability to be altered, as well as the length of time it is effective bears largely on the age and power of the faerie that conjured, and invoked the spells on the dust to begin with,” Bugsy explains. Diomedes and Mural Man are standing next to each other. Having covered his surface with non-stick spray, Diomedes is using Mural Man as a dry erase board.

Dobby is listening closely while Tinkletoes takes notes for him. The ginger tabby is preparing to ask questions.

“Don't write across his butt. Whatever you do, please don't write across his butt.” Tinkletoes mutters.

“Do you have magic?” Dobby asks Bugsy.

“Yes, but only a little. I can and do draw upon Diomedes' magic as needed.”

“Have you tried to draw upon Diomedes' magic to destroy the faerie dust in his digestive system?” Dobby asks.

“Yes. Using faerie magic to neutralize other faerie magic is tricky. It doesn't always work. Your faerie, TT? Is that his name?”

“TP.” Tinkletoes corrects.

“TP is an old faerie with strong finely tuned magic. It is full of the intricacies.  Magic can be honed to identify an individual magical being.”

Tinkletoes yawns. Dobby nods a lot.

“Magic in the hands of an old faerie, one who has had lots of practice...”

“I've got a question.” Tinkletoes says. “Are you ever going to speak English?”

“it can be like a thumb print.” Diomedes continues answering. “A practiced faerie can weave sub-magic into their spells to make the magic unique. TP must be very old because the spell that was activated when I tried to neutralize the enchantment on the faerie dust not only absorbed the power in my spell. It amplified it.”

“In other words.” Dobby prompts recognizing Tinkletoes' frustration.

“In other words.” Diomedes reaches up and draws a mess propelling from Mural Man's butt. “Crap flew everywhere.”

Dobby nods.

“You just had to draw on his butt didn't you.” Tinkletoes says.

“I'm enjoying it.” House comments breathlessly.

“You would.” Tinkletoes grumbles. “So basically, that's how our buddy Diomedes became Sir Craps A Lot.” Tinkletoes says. “That sneaky little devil.”

“You have a strange look on your face.” Dobby says.

“Do I?” Tinkletoes says, looking at Dobby.

“Yeah.”

“We have a magical creature that got very sick from a magical spell, a secondary magic was introduced that intensified the problem.” Tinkletoes recaps. “How about if we brought both sources of magic together? If they both hit Diomedes' system at the same time could they neutralize each other?"  Tinkletoes looks around the room.  "What can I say, I have my moments."

“Two negatives do equal a positive.” Mural Man's voice offers from the nearest opening.

Everyone looks at Mural Man's butt.

“Did your butt just talk?” Tinkletoes asks.

“It is the quickest way for me to speak at the moment.” Mural Man responds.

“Don't do that again.” Tinkletoes says. “Looking at another's man butt is bad enough, listening to it?” He continues. “No.”
"Don't look at my butt." Mural Man says.  "Close your eyes and listen to my voice."
Dobby nods at Tinkletoes who closes his eyes.
"Feel better?"  Mural Man continues.
"No.  I still know it's your butt talking."
Dobby looks at Diomedes and Bugsy to no avail.
"Maybe if you think about this as a sign?"
Tinkletoes glares at Dobby.
"It's going to be all right in the end?"  Dobby suggests.
"It always works for me."  House adds. "Grrrr..."
"Let's just end this right here."
"As long as it's the butt end."  House says.
Tinkletoes runs a hand down the length of his face.  "A talking butt, I'm never going to unsee this."
"But..." 

A Writer With No Post

                                                   

A writer without a post.

She can't help the characters that need her the most.

She will not give up.

She refuses to despair!

What will she do tomorrow if she wakes up without any hair?

The story has not ended.

Neither will her struggle.

She looks up from her writing and says, “Pour me another bartender, and this time make it a double.”

Dobby turns and faces Writer Lady holding up a bottle, he turns his paw down to pour.

With one smooth, fluid movement a single drop of milk plops into her glass.

Writer Lady looks up from her pad of paper “What's happened? Only another shot is going to save my a**.”

The bartender gestures with a nod to a table at the back of the ice cream shoppe.

There in the darkest corner two kittens are drinking like sots.

The pair raise their heads from their milk bowls slowly, tongues sticking out, eyes drooping.

“In a magical ice cream shoppe?" Writer Lady asks. "That makes an odd grouping.”

“I always know when those two are here.” Dobby says. “That's what we call 'milk faced'”.

"Milk Faced?"  Writer Lady repeats.  "What a waste."

"They think it makes them look like studs."

 Smudge closes his eyes. Spots isn't far behind.

 The pair are really close buds.

Dobby says, “Since they've passed out let me go for more. From my secret stash. It's in the back. I don't even have to go to the store.”

Writer Lady looks across the shoppe at the kittens, a gentle smile crosses her face. If you know her you aren't surprised, she always has such grace.

“I'm in a tough spot. A deadline has come and gone. A post has yet to be written. I am determined to maintain the status quo and not pass out in my milk like a drunken kitten.” Writer Lady drinks the remaining sweet, creamy drop of comforting cheer. She pays her tab, “I think I may be turning a corner with this. But thanks, you've been a dear.”

The ginger tabby nods and Writer Lady leaves.

Carrying her notebook, tenacity, and imagination home through the gentle summer breeze.

**Take a moment and comment.  Let me know how many times you facepalmed while reading this.  It will give me a smile.  Have a nice day.**

Getting Down And Dirty With A Stomach Bug

                                                     

  “Thanks?”  Mural Man responds as Tinkletoes leaves him standing in the corner wondering how to make such a request from a sick and potentially dangerous dragon.  “He's a reasonable...dragon.  I'll just ask.” Mural Man mutters returning to Diomedes, Dobby, and Tinkletoes.  “So, um...Diomedes.  I ...we would like to help you.  We don't know what to do.  We...”

Tinkletoes coughs.

“I was wondering if we could talk to Bugsy.”  He says finishing the request.

“A splendid idea sir.”  Diomedes agrees.

“So will you call him?”  Mural Man asks.

“I can try. I do not know if he will answer.   Considering the state of things...”

“Bugsy may not be alive.”   Tinkletoes offers.   “Or at least not living inside you.”

“He may have died at the hand of whatever attacked your digestive system.”  Mural Man suggests.

“He may have simply been expelled.”  Diomedes says.

“Bugsy could be anywhere.  In the carpeting, on the walls.”   Dobby agrees looking around the room.

“On our boots.”  Tinkletoes points out.

While the others contemplate Bugsy's fate Diomedes closes his eyes and concentrates, several moments pass, opening them he announces, “Bugsy is still with me.  I can still sense his presence although it is not as strong as it was before.  I will communicate your request.”  The dragon closes his eyes again.  “I have extended your invitation.  Bugsy says he is on his way.”

“What happens now?”   House asks.

“We wait.”  Tinkletoes says.

As quill scratches along parchment Carp's words resonate throughout the bonus room.

Our hero waits.

Alert and ready for action.

Our hero waits.

Patiently and without complaint.

Our hero waits.

With the quiet contemplation of a seasoned, calculating leader.

Our hero waits...

“Do we have to keep listening to this?”  Dylan asks.

“If you want to see what happens next you do.”  Peter answers.

“How about if we make him tell us what we want to know?”  Ray asks.

“What do you mean make him?”  Writer Lady asks.

“Like truth serum or something.”

“That doesn't work on magical creatures.”  TP says.  “Silly Human.”

Tinkletoes, Dobby, Mural Man, and House all wait for Bugsy to arrive.   Diomedes naps while he is waiting. The dragon's eyes are closed, his breathing steady.

“This feels like it's taking forever.”  Dobby says.

“It does, doesn't it?”  Mural Man agrees.

“Big dragon.   Little bug.  It's supposed to take a while.”  Tinkletoes announces.

“While you boys are waiting could we begin to clean up?  All of the excrement isn't good for my carpets.”  House says.

“Until we're sure the diarrhea is over, what's the point?”  Tinkletoes counters.

“Unlike you some of us have grooming standards.”  House says.

“I have standards.  High ones.  But what's the point in showering if in two hours you're going to be up to your neck in mud again?”

“He's right.”  Dobby agrees.

“Maybe I should just ask about calling for Bugsy again.   He might be hurt or something.”   Mural Man offers.

Diomedes opens his eyes.   “Bugsy is here.”  He announces. “I hope that we can remedy this situation.   You may need an illumination device.”  Diomedes stops talking and opens wide.

“We need a flashlight.”  Tinkletoes says.

Dobby retrieves one.

Bugsy makes his entrance slowly.  Climbing up an esophagus is hot work and by the time the stomach bug has made it over the back of Diomedes' tongue, stopping at a back tooth that a rope has been tied around to relieve himself of the other end and loop it around the aforementioned tooth, Bugsy is tired.  Regardless, the stomach bug walks purposefully to the front of Diomedes' mouth stopping just inside the dragon's front bottom teeth.  Taking an authoritative stance on the tip of the dragon's tongue.  A squeak is released by the tiny black bug.  Everyone who is not a bug is left scratching their heads.   Bugsy squeaks again.

“What?”  Tinkletoes asks Dobby.

“I'm a cat.  How would I know what he's saying?”

“SQUEAK!”  Bugsy squeaks again with great emphasis.

“He says 'Hello'.”  Diomedes says.

“Oh.”  Tinkletoes responds.  “You aren't moving your mouth.  How are you doing that?”  He asks.

“Through my claw.”   The dragon responds.  One of Diomedes' front legs is held out, his claw is open.

“The sound is coming out of the end of Diomedes' claws like a bunch of mini-speakers.”   Dobby says.

“Squeak, squeak, squuueak, squeaak.”  Bugsy continues.

“Bugsy says 'Hello.  It's about time you showed up.'”

“What?”  Mural Man asks.

Bugsy looks up at the roof of the dragon's mouth and closing his eyes concentrates for a moment.

“Bugsy will send messages directly to me to tell you his thoughts in an effort to save time.”  Diomedes says.

“Great.  That squeaking is pretty annoying.”  Tinkletoes says.

Bugsy makes a rude gesture to the self-proclaimed mercenary and continues his tirade.

“Your faerie nearly killed me.  What are you going to do about it?”  Diomedes says.

“You're the one who's supposed to help us.”  Tinkletoes says.

The tiny black bug's face turns red.   Bugsy reaches behind his back and pulls out a semi-automatic machine gun.  He aims for the group.  “Your faerie nearly killed me.   What are you going to do about it?”

Dobby and Mural Man raise their paws/hands.

“Whoa...there lil' guy.”  Tinkletoes says with a grin, “We can get this worked out.”

“Be careful Tinkletoes.   He could be dangerous.”  Mural Man warns.

“What? Him?”  Tinkletoes steps closer to Diomedes' mouth and peers inside. “Dangerous or no, he's my kind of bug.   Strong, independent.  He's done what he's had to do in this situation.  He's gone Commando.”   He says with a grin.

“Actually I think you have the wrong term.”  Mural Man suggests.

“He doesn't.”  Dobby says.  “Take a look.”

Mural Man leans in to get a better look at the stomach bug.  “No pants.”  He looks at Tinkletoes.  “Commando is the correct term.”

“What?”  Tinkletoes asks.

“Bugsy's not wearing any pants.”

“Of course he's not wearing any pants.  He's a bug.   What the hell does he need pants for?”

When Examining A Dragon...

“I would prefer not to.” Diomedes says.

Tinkletoes looks squarely at Diomedes.   “Dragon, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way.”

“Isn't the dragon bigger than you are?”  House asks.

“I'll still win.”   Tinkletoes says.

“Doesn't the dragon breathe fire?”   House continues.

“Sometimes.”

“Doesn't he have magical powers?”

“Yeah.  I'm still going to win.”

“How?”  House asks.

“I'm more determined than he is.  Never underestimate a man on a mission.” Tinkletoes responds.   “Besides, there's the whole "diarrhea wearing him out thing" so that he has nothing inside left to breathe fire with.   It's possible he has too little energy to forge magic too.”

“So it's more the whole “parasite sucking his energy up” thing that gives you the advantage?” Mural Man asks.

“Um...yeah.”

“You're okay with that?”

Tinkletoes looks at Mural Man.  “This is a fire breathing dragon with the ability to forge magic.  Yeah, I'm okay with it.”  Turning back to Diomedes he says, “Bend over.”

Diomedes looks at Tinkletoes eyes wide.

“He seems nervous about this.  Perhaps if you reassured Diomedes in some way.”  Mural Man suggests.

Tinkletoes mutters for a moment, he looks at Diomedes and says.   “There's nothing to be scared of.  Dobby is wearing gloves.  He's gonna be gentle about the whole thing.”

“No I'm not.”   Dobby says.

“Of course you will.”   Tinkletoes says.  Turning back to Diomedes he says, “I know he helped conjure a demon to kill you and stuff but it was just because he thought you were a threat.  Dobby was just protecting his home.   Once we found out that you're okay, well, we haven't thought about killing you again for a second.   Dobby won't hurt you.  You can trust him.”

“I'm not sticking my paw up there.”  Dobby says.

“You have the suit, the gloves...the way cool helmet.”

Dobby shakes his head.

“Go get Ray for me then.”  Tinkletoes says.

“Ray isn't going to do this.”  Dobby says.

“I can get Ray to do anything as long as I have cupcakes.”

“I thought you were Lord and Emperor over all the cupcakes of this realm.” Dobby says.

“I am.  No one eats my cupcakes unless I invite them to.  As a leader it's important to know what motivates your men.  A goodie is a powerful motivator for a man like Ray.”

“Wait a minute Dobby."  Mural Man says the ginger tabby.  "Isn't there a less invasive way to do this?”  He asks, looking at Tinkletoes.

“Probably.”  Tinkletoes answers without looking away from Diomedes.  “Okay dragon, bend over.”

“You aren't going to look for one?” Mural Man asks.

“One what?”

“A less invasive way to help?”

“No.”

Mural Man looks at Diomedes.   “Are you sure this wasn't the cheese balls?  Maybe a bit of a stomach bug?”

Diomedes thinks for a moment and says, “Bugsy did not mention any problems when we arrived.”

“Bugsy?”  Mural Man asks.

“My stomach bug.”  The dragon responds.

“So you are sick.”  Tinkletoes says.

“No.”

“You just said you have a stomach bug.”  Mural Man points out.

“Bugsy.  He is the bug that lives in my stomach.  He is in charge of making sure everything runs smoothly.  If something is wrong he tells me.”

“Why didn't you mention this sooner?”   Tinkletoes demands.

“Nobody asked.”   TP says.  The faerie has been released from Writer Lady's enclosed hands and been placed in an old cricket cage.  He is lounging on a pool chaise he made appear when Writer Lady invited him to have a seat.   “All dragons have a stomach bug.”

Furnatche looks from TP's cage to his stomach and whimpers.

“Stomach bugs don't travel well.  This doesn't have to be TP's fault.”  The faerie points out.

“But it still might be.”  Writer Lady counters.

“That little faerie dude has a lot of information.”   Ray says studying TP.

“Information that we need.”  Writer Lady agrees.   “But the trick is figuring out how to extract it from him.”

“So tell us more about this bug.”   Tinkletoes says.

“We have lived together symbiotically since my hatching day.  I share my food and give him a warm, safe place to live and he keeps my digestive system healthy. He notifies me of any unseemly activities going on inside.”

“How do you talk?”   Tinkletoes asks.

“Bugsy sends messages through my neural pathways that get interpreted and become random thoughts.”

“How can you tell the difference between that bug's messages and your own thoughts?”   Mural Man asks.

“He signs his name of course.”   Diomedes responds.

“Of course.”  Dobby parrots.

Tinkletoes looks at Mural Man.   “Could I have a word with you?”

Mural Man slides along the carpet and then the living room wall to meet Tinkletoes in a far corner of the room.  “You and House spent some time in faerie.”  Tinkletoes says.  “How do we kill this thing?”

“Kill it?”

“Yeah kill it.   Send it home.  Get it the hell out of here.  I don't want to do the demon thing again, that was a bad idea.”

There is a silence as Mural Man waits for more information.

“This dragon is crazy.”  Tinkletoes announces.  “He says there's a bug living in his stomach.  There are probably lots of bugs in there.  Bugs living inside his head, eating his brain.”

“Not necessarily, Diomedes talking about Bugsy reminded me of something.  I think I remember seeing something about it in one of the faerie museums.  We should ask Diomedes to invite Bugsy up for a chat.” Mural Man says.

“He can do that?”

“I don't think it's the way things are usually done but if they truly are living symbiotically then it should be possible.”

“Okay.  That'll be your job.”  Tinkletoes says returning to Diomedes.