A Dragon In The Shower

Without skipping a beat Tinkletoes stands up, raising the dry erase board from the floor he calls the rest of his command over for the official briefing.

“This mission has three objectives...” he begins.   Tinkletoes' eyes follow Writer Lady until she disappears into the kitchen completely.

 Dobby quietly follows Writer Lady into the kitchen while everyone else's backs are turned.

“Mom?”

“Yes kitty.” Writer Lady answers as she opens cabinets pulling out supplies and placing them on the counters.

“Are you okay?”

“Yes sweetie.  Why wouldn't I be?”

“Tinkletoes didn't mean it.   He just sees things a little bit differently.”

Writer Lady quietly continues organizing the space, picking out the needed tools and preparing for a big mess. “I'm okay.  It's just when you have been cautious, opening up to someone can take a lot out of you.   As silly as it is, the dry erase board incident makes me wonder...”

“If it's okay to stay opened up?”  Dobby asks.

“Yes it does.”

“I knew you would be needing this.”   Dobby says.   The ginger tabby holds up a recorder.   “Press the button.” 

  A recording plays.

“whatever it is we're doing here. Think about your Mom, what she would want. If it came right down to it, if she had to choose would she want that romantic moment with the fireworks, the music playing all around and well...me or would she want to know that Diomedes is well again and no longer suffering.”

“A clean house, she would love to have a clean house too!” House exclaims.

“She'd probably want that too.” Tinkletoes agrees.

“She would want Diomedes to be okay before anything else.” Dobby says.

“That's what we love about her. Right?” Tinkletoes asks.

“Yeah.” Dobby agrees.

“It's okay to stay opened up Mom.   It's okay.”   Dobby says.

“Thanks kitty.”  Writer Lady says giving Dobby back the recorder.

“I've got to get back before anyone notices I'm gone.”

 “They are to clean up Diomedes, clean up the living room, and make a really big batch of noodles.  Magical ones.  Your assignments are fairly clear.  Let's get going men.”

“I'm not gonna do that.”  Dobby says pointing to the board.

“Why not?”

“I'm a cat.   Cats don't like water.”

“You're helping Diomedes take a shower.   You're not getting in yourself.” Tinkletoes points out.

“I don't want to help the dragon either.”  Carp says.   “No offense, turning to face Diomedes he continues, “I've just never given a dragon a shower before.”

“Nor have I had a shower before.”  Diomedes responds.

“You're perfect for each other.”  Tinkletoes says.

“I don't know, the shower is on the small side.”  Carp says.

“That's what makes you important Carp.  You're going to make sure he doesn't get turned around and break something.”   Tinkletoes says.

“Perhaps if we just took him outside and hosed him down.”  Carp suggests.

“You can't.  The neighbors might see him.”  Tinkletoes says.

“I could let Diomedes eat the neighbor.   No witnesses.”

“If you'll excuse my interruption sir, I'm not that kind of dragon.”   Diomedes announces.

“He's not that kind of dragon.   Get going.”  Tinkletoes says.  “You too Dobby.”

The ginger tabby looks up at Diomedes.   The dragon is still pale.  His scales are coated with excrement.

“Okay Diomedes let's head to the bathroom.”   Dobby says.

“Don't forget the towels.”  Tinkletoes says.

Feline, dragon, and human begin their short, slushy walk to the bathroom.

“Wash under his scales too!”

“How are we supposed to do that?”   Carp calls back.

“Doesn't she have one of those puffy things on a stick?”

Carp looks at Tinkletoes.

“Improvise.”

“Oh yes.   My goodness.”   Diomedes exclaims as he stands under the shower. “This is most enjoyable.”  The dragon is stuffed into the tub.   His tail is running the length of the tub.  Its end is sticking out.  Carp is standing on the outside of the tub by the faucet.  Dobby is at the other end, both are soaking wet.

“I understand now why there is an entire room dedicated to this amazing invention.  I feel so much better.  So happy, relaxed.”  Diomedes says.

There is a faint sound, the bottom of the tub shakes briefly.   The odor that accompanies the trembling hits Dobby directly in the face.  The ginger tabby turns a little green.

“What is that smell?”  Diomedes asks.

“You.”  Dobby chokes out.

There is another gentle sound and a rumble along the tub's floor only this time Diomedes gets a whiff too.

“That is fragrant isn't it?”  Diomedes asks.

Dobby nods and turns his head away for some fresh air coughing a little.   Returning to his post he checks on Carp who appears to be oblivious to the entire incident.

“I am sorry sirs.  This is most embarrassing.”  Diomedes says.

“Let's get this done.”   Carp says holding up a mesh brush.

Dobby holds up a shower brush and nods.

“Oh my goodness.”  Diomedes says.

“You're angry.”  Tinkletoes says entering the kitchen.

“Angry, why would I be angry?”

“It is just a dry erase board.”   Tinkletoes says.

“It was my dry erase board.”  Writer Lady counters, setting bags of flour up on the counter.

“When the living room clean up is finished the board will be cleaned up too.”  He says stepping into her space. “It might even be like new.”

“Couldn't save it?”  Writer Lady asks taking in a breath.

“No.  It was trashed.  There' a new one waiting for you in High Command.”

“You didn't have TP fix it?”

“I was lucky to get him out of the hot tub.”

“How?”  Writer Lady asks not looking up from her work.

“That was the tricky part.”  Tinkletoes steps a little bit further into her space. “But I managed.”   Standing behind her, he leans in and whispers, “I took his birthday away.”

“That doesn't sound very nice.”

“Pixie One helped.  It's not as bad as it sounds.  Diomedes is showering and the living room is being cleaned up all that's left is to make the noodles.”  Tinkletoes gets even closer. “Tell me pretty lady, how can I help you?”

“By stepping back.”  Writer Lady says.  Her breath normalizes after he exits her space.

“You really don't like me do you?”

“You've grown on me.”  She admits turning to look at him.  “You can be obnoxious but you're there for me too.   You're okay Commander.  You're okay.  I also have to say that dragon poop stinks.  You're a little bit ripe.”

Tinkletoes looks down at his combat boots.  They are covered in muck.  His camouflage pants are coated too.   “I really should get cleaned up before spending time in the kitchen.  I'll be back.”  Tinkletoes says before turning around and leaving.  He slips on a patch of sludge, nearly kissing the floor on his way out.

Romantic Heroes and Dry Erase Boards

“Someone's going to die alone.  You resort to 'Someone's going to die alone'?” Writer Lady asks.

“If the shoe fits.”   Carp says.

“Let me tell you something you flat headed little man.”  Writer Lady says and the can of whoop a** is opened.

Ray pales at Writer Lady's tone and Dobby hides his face.

“Loved ones are nice to have around.  Having a special someone is fantastic.  But you can have a perfectly happy life without one.   The longer you carry on about being by yourself the lonelier you'll feel.  I had a husband.  I had the 'till death do us part thing' and guess what?  Death came.  I'm alone.  Well, technically I am.  Here I am “alone” and I have all of you here with me.  Dobby, his friends, his friend's friends, and my characters, not to mention all those characters in my head that haven't been born yet. My family and friends too.  It's practically impossible to be alone for more than a few hours.  I'm anything but alone thankyouverymuch.” Writer Lady stops talking, for a second anyway.  “You know what?   A wise man once said, 'Everyone dies alone.'  He's right, it's like being born.   It's one of those things a person has to do alone.  Die alone?   Heck yeah I'm going to die alone and you're going to die alone.  Ray's gonna die alone, Dobby too.  There's no other way.   So, put that in your pipe and smoke it.  If you'll excuse me, I have a sick dragon in my living room.”

At first Carp doesn't say anything.  There's shock, surprise, you know all that stuff.  “Feel better?” he asks before Writer Lady has a chance to leave the room. “I was just crabby because you going into the living room to help ruins my book. You didn't have to pull out the Joss Whedon on me.  That man is brilliant," Carp says wistfully, "if only I could write something like that someday.”

Dobby rolls his eyes.

“It's a great line.  So simple.”  Writer Lady agrees.

“Yet so profound.”   Carp says finishing her sentence.   “So are you done being mad at me?”   He asks.

“I guess so.”  She responds grudgingly.

“Go Whedonites!”  Carps exclaims holding up his hand for a high five.

Writer Lady shakes her head.  “I choose to have quiet respect.”

“Because you are a leaf on the wind.”  Carp says seriously.

Writer Lady nods in approval.

“This is too cheezy.   Can we go now?”  Dobby asks.

Writer Lady leaves the room carrying TP's cage with Dobby, Ray, and Carp following close behind.

“That was close dude.”   Ray says to Carp as they're walking through the kitchen.  “You could have died.”

Carp shifts his eyes towards Ray.  “All I want to know is if she still would have made that speech if there hadn't already been a romantic hero standing in her living room.”

“If you want I could go stand outside.”  Ray offers.

Carp shakes his head and runs a hand down his face.  There is no point trying to explain.  Besides the markers, dry erase board, and a hidden stash of cheese puffs are in High Command there's no time for such things.

Tinkletoes looks up as the rest of his company enters the doorway.  “Good. You're here.  Come on.  Hurry up.” He says, putting his hand around Writer Lady's wrist and guiding her into the room.  They kneel down in a makeshift meeting area.  It's a semi-dry spot.  “Mural Man and I...”

Diomedes coughs.

“Mural Man, Diomedes, and I...”

A high pitched squeal is heard.

“Mural Man, Diomedes, Bugsy, and I...”

“Who's Bugsy?”   Writer Lady asks.

“The stomach bug.   He lives in the dragon.”   Tinkletoes says.

“Diomedes has a stomach bug?”   She asks.  “Let's get rid of the stomach bug then.”

“He's a permanent resident.”  He counters and begins again.  “Mural Man, Diomedes, Bugsy, and I...”

“Excuse me...'cuse me!”  House yells.

“Is there anyone else here who needs credit for the last five minutes?”   Tinkletoes calls out to the room.  He's answered with silence.  “Okay.  Last time. Mural Man, Diomedes, Bugsy, House, and I have been working on a solution for Diomedes' diarrhea.  Diomedes had an upset stomach because of the trip here from Faerie.  When he ate the enchanted cheese balls it aggravated the dragon's already upset stomach.   Bugsy conjured his own magic to diffuse the magic in the cheese balls.   When he did...”  Tinkletoes stops and thinks for a minute,  "...it triggered a burglar alarm in TP's magic.  The original magic absorbed the new magic and then amplified it.  Causing this mess.  What we're going to do is use a little bit of TP's magic and some of Bugsy's, put it inside some food, and feed it to the dragon.   The combined magics should neutralize everything.   No more diarrhea.”

“That sounds like a plan.  What are you going to feed him?”  She asks.

“That's why I needed you.  Dobby says you're in charge of deciding about food when either of you are sick.   What should we give him?”

“Chicken noodle soup is a good remedy.”   Writer Lady says.

“Liquid just seems to make things worse.”  Tinkletoes says looking at the sprays of dragon poop dripping down all four living room walls.

“If you take out the liquid you would have some chicken, a little bit of celery, some carrots, but mostly it would be noodles.”  She points out.

“Let's put the magic in the noodles.”  Tinkletoes says.

“That might not be very healthy.  Diomedes has been sick.”

“He would eat more of them.  The noodles are the best part.”   He says.

“Noodles it is.”  Writer Lady agrees.

“This mission has three objectives.”  Tinkletoes says continuing his briefing of Writer Lady.  “They are to clean up Diomedes, clean the living room, and to make the enchanted noodles.   We need enough noodles fill up Diomedes so that his digestive system gets coated with the newly combined spell.  As you can see on this dry erase board I have divided up the various assignments.”

“You used my dry erase board?”  Writer Lady asks.   “The one in High Command?”

“It's the only one in the house.”   Tinkletoes says not looking up from the board.

“It's my dry erase board that's laying in this muck?”  She asks.

“Dragon poop.”  Tinkletoes answers.  “It's lying on the carpet which has been saturated with dragon poop.  Shit's everywhere.  There was nowhere else to put it.”

“You need me to help make the noodles right?”

“Yep.  You'll have to wait for Diomedes and TP to finish with their other jobs first.”  Tinkletoes puts one hand down on the dry erase board pushing it into the carpet further, poop seeps out from under the board as he reaches across it to a coffee table. Tinkletoes replaces the red marker he was using and retrieves a blue one.

Writer Lady's face pales at the sound.  “I'll be in the kitchen.”  She says leaving the room.

“Don't you want to see the rest of the chart?”  He calls after her.   “ I used different colors and everything.”  Tinkletoes mutters.  “Not all romantic heroes can kick ass with a dry erase board.”

Fireworks

“No more butts.  It's time to fix this.”  Tinkletoes says.

“We haven't gotten to the synonyms yet.”  Dobby says.

“It's over.”

“We haven't come out the other end.”

“Dobby.”

“O...kay.”  The ginger tabby responds.

“We are going to send both types of magic into Diomedes at the same time to neutralize everything that is irritating him.”  Mural Man repeats the plan for those that did not read last week's post.   Shame on you...go back and read it.  We'll wait (waiting music plays).   Back?  Okay then.

“Your delivery system?”  Diomedes asks.

“Huh?”  Tinkletoes responds.

“How are we going to get the spells inside Diomedes?”  Mural Man asks.

“Shoot it up his a...”  Tinkletoes begins.
Dobby holds up pictures of younger readers.
“His pos...post...we'll shoot in the magic from behind.”   Tinkletoes says.

“Sir.  If you don't mind, my backside is a bit, tender at the moment.”  Diomedes says.

“Oh...um...yeah.”

“Maybe if we fed him something.”  Mural Man suggests.

“Like what?”  (More waiting music plays as several minutes pass.)  “Come on guys.  Someone must have some ideas.”   Tinkletoes looks around the room as the others avoid his eyes.  “How about you Dobby?”

“Mom always takes care of that stuff.  Illness, comfort foods.”

Tinkletoes stands up and paces the floor, squishing with every step. “Men...Something is wrong here.”

“What is it?”   Mural Man asks.

“Nothing has gone right since this whole thing started.   We are missing some of our fellow soldiers.  We need Ray and Carp.”  He says.

“Okay.”

“TP.

“The faerie that helped make this mess that makes sense.”  Mural Man agrees.

“And Writer Lady.”

Dobby looks at Mural Man gesturing furiously for him to help shoot the idea down.

“We don't need her?”  Mural Man counters.

“Yes we do.”  Tinkletoes says.

“No we don't.”

“Yes we do.”

Dobby gestures more furiously.

“No.   What do you want another woman in here for?  She's just going to carry on about the mess.  Trust me,”  Mural Man says, leaning in close,   “you don't want her here.   The females in this place are really high maintenance.”

“What!?”  House screeches.

“I didn't mean you dear.”  Mural Man calls out to House.

“Well...then!  Who did you mean?”

A tug on the leg of Tinkletoes' pants gets his attention and he looks down to find Dobby standing next to him.

“See?”  Dobby says.   “You don't want that in your life.”

Tinkletoes squats down and leans in to whisper to the ginger tabby.   “Okay Dobby.  What is this really about?”  He asks.

“You're supposed to be on a romantic quest.   If you call Mom to help then the fair maiden is saving your butt which makes the terms of your romantic quest null and void.  You won't win Mom's heart with your gesture.”

“Yeah.”   Tinkletoes says.   “That is important.   A romantic quest is a big deal.  If you think about it this thing with Diomedes happened before I had a chance to commence my journey.  My quest hasn't even started yet.”

Dobby looks at him doubtfully.

“Okay it has.  My butt isn't in any danger.   I'll be calling her in with a group of others so it's not like she heard about my quest and came looking for me because she knew I couldn't take care of myself.   It's a request.  In the end it will be her decision to join this...”  Tinkletoes looks around the room,  “whatever it is we're doing here.   Think about your Mom, what she would want.  If it came right down to it, if she had to choose would she want that romantic moment with the fireworks, the music playing all around and well...me or would she want to know that Diomedes is well again and no longer suffering.”

“A clean house, she would love to have a clean house too!”  House exclaims.

“She'd probably want that too.”  Tinkletoes agrees.

“She would want Diomedes to be okay before anything else.”   Dobby says, his head drooping in disappointment.

“That's what we love about her.   Right?”  Tinkletoes asks.

“Yeah.”   Dobby agrees.

“Don't worry, buddy.  We'll get this sorted out, just not right now.  Right now it's time to call in for reinforcements.   You know your mission?”   He asks Dobby.

“Yeah.”  Dobby says making his way out of the living room.   He stops just inside the kitchen to remove his helmet, combat boots, and protective suit (okay...garbage bag).  The ginger tabby makes the short trek to the bonus room where Writer Lady and Ray are reading a list of things to TP while TP quietly shakes his head from his soak in the hot tub.

“Anti-diahrreal?”  Writer Lady asks.

“No.”  TP says.

“Antibiotics?”  Ray asks.

“No.”

“Aspirin?”

“No.   There is no medicine in Faerie.  You must use your own.”  TP states once again.

“Duuude...”   Ray says.

“I know, the synonyms aren't working.”  Writer Lady says.  “I wonder what else we can try.”

“Mom.”   Dobby calls sitting down behind her.

“Herbal remedies maybe?”  She asks Ray.

“No one can ignore the power of the herbs.”  Ray answers.   “High five!”  He says raising a hand to gesture.

Writer Lady looks at Ray without saying a word.

“No high five.”   Ray says, there is disappointment in his voice.

“Mom.”

“We need to compile a list of herbs, quickly.  Do you know if Carp has ever written books about medicine women or herbal healers.”

“Duuude.”

“Women with brains fall in love too Ray.”

“Mom!”   Dobby calls out.

“What is it kitty?”   Writer Lady asks turning around.

“It's Diomedes he's still sick and his stomach bug says it's TP's fault.”  Dobby answers.

“Is not.”  TP argues.

“Diomedes has a stomach bug that talks?”  Writer Lady asks.

“It's complicated.”   Dobby says.  “Mom, Tinkletoes can't do this alone.  He needs help.  Your help.”

At the sound of these words Carp stops writing.   “Don't even think about it.”  He says approaching Writer Lady.  “You cannot go.”

“I'm going.”  Writer Lady says.

“If you go the romantic quest...”

“will be null and void.  I know.”  Writer Lady says finishing Carp's sentence.  “I'm going anyway.”

“Someone's going to die alone.”  Carp sings out as Writer Lady walks past him.  She turns and glares at him.  She turns back towards the living room and takes one step forward.

Writer Lady quietly mutters “No” and turns around again.  “I wasn't going to say anything but...”

Ray and Dobby groan simultaneously.

“I think it's time we straightened some things out here.”