Girl Talk

“What was that?”  Writer Lady asks.

“I don't know.”  He answers.   Tinkletoes turns to Carp.    “Did you say something?”

“No.”

Both kittens are climbing on Carp and the assassin is scratching chins and rubbing ears.  There is a smile of contentment on his face.  The “No” startles Smudge who slinks away.  Spots jumps off of Carp's boot and lays down on the floor showing his belly.

“That's no way to train soldiers Carp.”

“You gave me kittens to train not people.  Kittens.”

Writer Lady turns to watch Carp as well.  “A kitten showing its belly is a sign of trust.  It could be seen as submissive behavior.”  She says turning back to more immediate problems.

“Carry on Training Officer.”  Tinkletoes commands with a nod.

Carp does not respond.  The kittens are chasing his hand.

“Why don't you do that lady stuff with her?”  Tinkletoes asks.

“Lady stuff.  Do you mean girl talk?”

“Yeah that.”

“Go away.”   Writer Lady says.

Tinkletoes stands and looks at Writer Lady without saying anything.

“I'm not making girl talk in front of...”

“a man?”

“No.  You.  I won't do it in front of you.”

“I'm just too sexy for you.  I get you all flustered.”  Tinkletoes says grinning.

One corner of Writer Lady's lips curve up into a slight smile.

“Is that yes?”  He asks.  “Or no?”

She smiles a little bit more.

“You're not going to tell me are you?”

Writer Lady grins.  “Exactly.   Now go away.”

“What am I supposed to do alone in the dark?”

“Go.”  She turns back to House.   “House?”  She says.  “It is devastating what you are going through.   Losing the man you love.  Mural Man was here with you sharing, laughing with you um...holding you.   A man who was with you day in and day out and suddenly he's gone.  A woman feels so alone.”

“Are you trying to make me feel better?”  House asks.  “Because you aren't helping.   At all.”

“I know how it feels.  To be that sad.  That lonely.   Yearning for one more night, hour, longing to have a few precious moments back again.”

“I'm grieving here.  My grief is much deeper than yours so if you would get to the point.”

“TP says that Mural Man isn't dead.  You can get him back House you just need to love him with more...depth.”

“I am a pictorial representation of a non-living object.   I cannot grow or change.  That evil little faerie knew that when he changed Mural Man.”

“TP's obnoxious but he wouldn't do that.”  Writer Lady says.

House glares at Writer Lady.

“When you and Mural Man first started interacting I hated it.  I didn't like it that he looked so much like Monitor Man.   I hated having the constant reminder.  I guess I was a little bit jealous.  You were just a house at first and then there you are days later getting friendly with the mural of a man that I could only dream of being with.   But Mural Man isn't Monitor Man.  He's a character all his own.  I came to get to know him as the ma...mural that he really is.  You say that you are only a house but you are capable of this type of growth.  I want you to be happy.   I want Mural Man to be able to come back and for the two of you to be happy.  I want to help you do this.  Since I have loved and lost I am going say something I miss about my late husband and then you say something you miss about Mural...”

“His butt.”  House says.

“Man.”   Writer Lady finishes.   “Okay let's try this.  I'm going to say that I loved his smile.  You are going to say...”

“I love his booty.”   House responds.

“This is gonna take a while.   We all know how special Mural Man's a**...butt is.  Try something else.”  Tinkletoes calls from across the room.

“No eaves dropping.”  Writer Lady says.

“There's nothing to do.”  He counters.

“Shhh...”

“She's shushing me.  I can pick off the enemy at 1000 yards and she's shushing me.”

“I miss cuddling with him.”  Writer Lady says.   “Your turn.”

“I miss his a...eyes.  I miss his eyes.”

“See...that wasn't hard.”

“House is still stuck on his looks.   You need to keep going.”  Tinkletoes says.

Writer Lady holds up the flashlight to her face and glares at Tinkletoes.

“I know shush.”

“I miss the way we used to laugh together.”

“Mural Man's um...”  House says stumbling a bit.   She looks at the pink unicorn sticker.   “His heart.  I miss his heart.  He was so kind, caring, and understanding.”

Something rattles in the kitchen the sound of rushing water can be heard in the distance.

“Crap.”   Tinkletoes mutters.  “I hope this flashlight's waterproof.”  The mercenary says stumbling his way back to the kitchen followed by Carp and the two kittens.

“He loved me so much.   I love him.”  House says.

More rattling is heard in the bathroom and another sound of rushing water.

“His heart is so kind and sweet just like the unicorn bandage.”

“Hey!  Make her stop crying before the main lines go!”  Tinkletoes calls.

“Just let me see him.  Please?  Let me tell him that I love him.   Then I'll take my punishment.   I'll go back to being a house and Mural Man can move on to faerie like we'd always planned.”

“You will have to stop crying.”  Writer Lady says looking into House's eyes. “You are damaging your foundation.”

House quietly nods.

“Thank you!”  Is heard coming from the kitchen.

“TP can you help us with this?  TP?”  Writer Lady looks up to find the faerie floating through the air slowly.  He is sitting in a crossed legged position wearing flannel pajamas with pink kittens on them.  He is crying.

“TP.”

“One minute please.”  He says wiping his eyes and blowing his nose into a lace trimmed handkerchief.  Wiggling his fingers he quickly unfolds Mural Man.  TP blows on his own thumb and Mural Man fills out into three dimensional form.  

The lights return with the light in House's eyes.
Mural Man reaches for House's hand.  With his touch she peels away from the wall and fills out into three dimensions.

“Mur...I'm sorry.”

“For what?”   Mural Man asks.

“For being mean, shallow, spoiled, pushy, demanding...mostly for never saying 'I love you.'”

“I love you too.”  He says holding her close.

Writer Lady and TP share a tearful glance as the two lovers are reunited.

Mural Man pulls back,  “Are you sure?   I don't look the same with all of these fold lines.”

“Mural Man I love you.”  House repeats and leans in for another embrace.   “Fold lines?  How many fold lines?”

The Butt Of The Problem

Tinkletoes stops just outside the entry to the living room.  “Things are kind of cramped in here so follow my footsteps exactly or you may step on something.”

“Okay.”   Writer Lady whispers.

They start shuffling into the room.   Writer Lady matching Tinkletoes' movements shuffle for shuffle.

“Um...” She says as she touches Tinkletoes lightly on the arm.

“Yeah?”

“Shouldn't you use the flashlight to check the floor?  That way we'll know where everyone is and we won't step on them.”

“No.  I was just in here.  I remember where everything and everyone is.   I'm a mercenary.  Mercenaries have sharp eyes and keen memories.”

“You're holding a flashlight, shouldn't you use it?  It will help prevent an accident.”

Tinkletoes turns around to face Writer Lady pointing to himself he says, “Mercenary.  Sharp eyes.  Keen memory.  I've got this.”   He turns and walks this time with the confident gait of a well trained soldier, slipping in the dark and landing on his butt.

Writer Lady turns on the flashlight and shines it around the room.  She and Tinkletoes find that all of the room's occupants are well away from them and crowded on the couch.  Tinkletoes' foot has once again found its way on to the pizza box.

“I thought I told everyone to stay put.”  He says.

“You didn't.”  Dylan says.

“You said that if we got stepped on that it was our fault.”  Peter says.

“Why didn't you move the pizza box?”  Tinkletoes asks.

“Oops,”  Dylan says.   “I forgot.”

“I was gone for five minutes.”

“These things happen?”

“Come and get this box so Writer Lady and I can get to the bottom of things.”

The two boys look at each other and laugh.

Tinkletoes stands up.  “Let's get going.”  He says and they continue through the kitchen and into the laundry room.

“Are you okay?”  Writer Lady whispers once they are out of earshot.

Tinkletoes takes the flashlight from her and holds it up to his face so she can see his glare.

“You hit the floor pretty hard.”  She says.

He turns around, holding the light in front of him and continues into the bonus room without a word.  They find Carp sitting on the floor patiently waiting for the lights to return.  Each kitten has taken a position on either side of him.

“You evil little faerie.”  House screams looking at TP.

“Call me names all you want Paper Lady.  You can't hurt me.”  He says.

“Flutter close to an electrical outlet and say that.”  House says challenging TP.

“What's going on here?”  Writer Lady asks stepping past Tinkletoes and facing House.

“He's killed him.”  House yells gesturing to the wall next to and above her.  “My own sweet love is gone forever.”

“Is that Mural Man?”  Writer Lady asks peering at the sparkling pink unicorn bandage stuck to the wall.

“Yes it is.”   TP says.

“And you are dressed as a doctor...”   Writer Lady says to TP.

“So I could fix them.”   TP says.  “You're welcome.  Here's your bill.”

Writer Lady takes a bill from TP and reads it.  “Tinkletoes, this is for you.”  She says holding up Dr. TP's bill.   He accepts the bill, reads it, and tears it up.

“I am the doctor.”  TP says.  “You must pay.”

“No one here has a million dollars and turning Mural Man into a bandage is pretty shoddy work if you ask me.  If you want to charge these prices Doc you need to be pickier when choosing your patients.”

“Her cure and his cure are intertwined.”  Dr. TP says.

“Make him fix it.”  House cries.

Tinkletoes looks at Carp, steps over to where he is, squats down and gets brought up to speed.

Writer Lady looks at Dr. TP,  at the sticker,  at House,  then back at Dr. TP.  “She's so upset.  Can't you just bring him back?”  She asks.

“Dr. TP will bring him back when House behaves.”  The faerie says.

“I miss him so much.”  House cries.   “I need to see him.  Please?   Just a glimpse, to keep his memory alive.”

The faerie rolls his eyes.

Writer Lady finds a piece of a crayon and draws an outline of Mural Man's posterior on the wall around the sparkling unicorn sticker.  She looks at House hoping to see that she has calmed down.

“He was a little bit wider than that.”  House says.

Writer Lady adjusts the drawing.

“Wider.”  House says.

She adjusts the outline again.

“Can you make the cheeks look...fuller?” House asks.

There are more adjustments.

“Could you put a little shading just below the right cheek?  It will look more real that way.”
After complying, Writer Lady steps back from the wall to inspect her work.

House's lips turn up slightly to show her approval.  “Mur...what have they done to you my darling?”

“What the...”  Tinkletoes says joining Writer Lady in front of the wall.  “It looks like the Headless Horseman was attacked by a band of renegade toddlers.”

“Mur...if you hadn't have died so young.”  House croaks.

Writer Lady looks at Tinkletoes sadly.

“He's not dead.”  He tells her.

She continues looking at Mural Man's...mural(?) sniffling a little.

“He's not dead.”  Tinkletoes repeats.

“What?”   She asks.

“He's not dead.”  He says a third time.  “Dr. TP told House that when she proves that she can love Mural Man regardless of his physical attributes he can come back.   Why is she grieving?”

Writer Lady slowly turns her head and looks up at Tinkletoes.

“You're a girl.  You're supposed to know why another girl is carrying on.”  He says.

“You mean like we instinctively know how to wear make-up?”  She asks.

“Yeah.”

Writer Lady looks at Tinkletoes without speaking.

“How did you know how to wear those funny brown things you wear on your legs?”

“Pantyhose?”

“Yeah.”

“During high school all of the girls got together and decided that it would be fun to strangle our boyfriends until they passed out and tell them that aliens attacked and did anal probes on them.  We didn't know how to carry the weapon with us without there being questions.   We decided to wear them.”

“If you don't know all you have to do is say so.”  Tinkletoes says.

“I don't know.”

“Okay.”

“Did you still want to catch a movie this weekend?”  Writer Lady asks.

“We still haven't gone on that date yet have we?”

“No.”

“Maybe we should wait.”  Tinkletoes says.   “Get this business cleared up first.”

“Is a big guy like you scared of a fragile little woman like me?”

“No.”  He answers.  “It won't hurt to wait until I've burned all of your hose.” He mutters. 

This May Be A Focusing Issue...Or Marketing

I am a Storyteller.  This is my purpose.  To communicate to my fellow humans that they are not alone.  Helping the human race to re-discover the things that lightens ones load [not loosens because that would be a laxative] with amazing stories, tall tales, the magic in everyday things, and the humor in us all. [Looks around for humor, stands up, checks seat, looks under both feet, sniffs at pits]  It looks like I lost mine, this is awkward.

Find out what you love and what the world needs then combine them.

I love writing.   What does the world need?  The world needs to laugh.

I have been telling tall tales since I was potty trained, writing since I was a teenager (usually long sweeping monologues of tragedy that only a young girl can communicate or writing myself into my favorite television shows).  Eventually I started creating some things that were more solid: a humorous blog, a children's book, a cozy mystery with a few laughs.  When I found myself without a job for the first time in nearly a decade it was both a dream come true and a horrifying nightmare.  Everything I read said "Get out there!  Fulfill your dreams!  Do what you love!  You can do it!  Learn some new skills, focus, and you're on your way.”  I'm all about doing what I love.  I have been looking for that for several years now.  I was ready to jump into my dream job.   I still am.   Just so you know.  Given the current situation it seemed like it was the optimal time to venture forth into to new territories, push beyond my personal boundaries, do something I never thought possible and start doing work I would love.  Unfortunately...reality.  Yeah that.

I discovered that there is more to transitioning into a new line of work than saying “Look. I'm here!” and waving enthusiastically.   In my opinion, when it comes to making a big change if you know exactly what you are looking for, exactly where you want to do it, and you have a knack for networking you'll do okay.

Now for the rest of us...me for example.   Because I'm here and I know myself.   I like to think I know myself.  How well do we really know ourselves?  I'm confused.   Oh yeah...it's okay I know where I'm going with this.   I'm fairly sure I know where I'm going with this.

   I love writing.   I told you I knew where I was going with this.  Gold star for me!  Writing and I have had a lifelong "on again off again" relationship.  In recent years I have been doing it daily.   You know, writing?  It's great.  I feel like a kid in a candy store.   I want to try everything.  It's like making mud pies.   Wait...did I just go from candy to making mud pies?  That's a little bit weird.   [Looks at coffee mug, lifts cup, peers at bottom, sniffs, shakes head, puts cup down]  I want to explore as many types as possible.  Find out what I'm best at,  what energizes me, what I get the most satisfaction from.  Do I like a sprinkling of sand in my mud?  Do I like marbles on the pie or toy car tracks?  A piece of a straw.  Lots of pieces of straws.  A straw city...white and plastic with striped buildings butted up against each other.  There is nothing like writing, telling tall tales, and sharing engrossing stories.  I want to find ways to make people laugh, forget their troubles for a time, and reassure them that they are not alone.  I truly love it.

So do a lot of other people.  It seems like the world is brimming over with written content these days.

How does one get noticed?  I seriously cannot tell you.  I'm supposed to be sharing my wisdom aren't I?   This is awkward.

Since I'm the only one financing my adventure through life and although I am always writing I looked into other areas of employment as well.  Oh my goodness.

With the expansion of the Internet comes not only companies that are largely Internet based but there are entire areas of skill within that industry that did not exist before.  I knew that things had expanded but damn.  Similar jobs have different requirements.  Are there core skills needed that apply to most of these jobs?  I haven't found the master list.  I think they might be hiding it from me. They totally are, aren't they?

Job listings are confusing.   Have you noticed that?   It seems like they tell you everything or nothing.   I have to say that I love reading the ads for jobs in entertainment.   I do it when I need a break, some days there are lots of them. Especially on Fridays but sometimes on Tuesday because well...Monday.   They're so much fun.   It's hard not to apply for some of these jobs regardless of the fact that I wouldn't begin to know how to do them because I want to participate so much.  Is it okay to apply for something and add a note saying, "I wasn't serious but I had a lot of fun participating.  Have a nice day."?  (If you have to write a job ad look to Hollywood.  I don't know if they're getting results but some of these people sure are having fun.)

It really feels like "anything goes" when it comes to finding work now especially in the interview department.   I have had panel interviews for part time work (people tell me that this is normal but I'm not buying it).   I have gone in for interviews during which there was no interview only testing.   Logic testing, personality testing, etc...  Interviews where no one in the office could agree on what skills were needed for a job.   In that case one person liked me and the other one showed me the door as quickly and efficiently as possible.

If I can tell you anything about job hunting I can tell you this.   It is a personal journey.  One that has yet to end for me.  It may never end.  I hope it ends quickly for you.   You know, the job hunt, so you can message me and tell me where to go.  Wait a second...that didn't come out right.  I will keep writing, keep learning new skills, keep dreaming, keep cyber stalking (Not Stalking, politely watching from an appropriate distance because boundaries are good) Nerdist.com, Geek and Sundry, and Funny or Die among others (you know who you are) hoping to leave some samples (writing samples not the other kind because that would be awkward for everyone).  There are magazines on the list and other stuff too (I have a novel that needs a publisher btw) because if I was only looking at those three that would be weird.   Isn't stalking composed of fixating on one thing?  I'm confused.   Anyway, eventually someone is going to need a...um...um...me? Sooner or later someone is going to need me.  I will be here.  Or there.   Or online or...where was I going with this?  [Scratches head]   Let me look at the first sentence.  I am a storyteller.  Okay, maybe if I start at the beginning.  Once upon a time... Wait, has that phrase been copyrighted now?  This is awkward.

Lights Out

“My turn?” House asks. “There's nothing wrong with me.” She says.

“I would have to agree. House is beautiful.” Mural Man says.

“Oh Mur...” House purrs.

“People say I wrote fluff.” Carp mutters. “Dr. TP can you check Mural Man's brain. There might be a head injury that's causing this behavior.”

“No.” Dr. TP says. “The brain injury you are suggesting would create a distinct crinkling to his surface. It is House that has...um...how should I put this? Issues.”

“Issues? What issues.” House says.

“Not enough respect.” Dr. TP says. “You don't show Paper Man.”

“Mural Man.” Carp, House, and Mural Man say, correcting the faerie in unison.

“Mural Man.” Dr. TP says, not acknowledging his error. “The same respect he shows you, you do not show him. You are selfish, demanding, and most bossy.”

“I am not!” House yells. “Am I? AM I?” She demands looking at Mural Man. “If I was you would say something. Wouldn't you? Wouldn't YOU!”

Dr. TP continues speaking calmly finishing his thoughts. “When Diomedes was sick and you were a giant sewer pipe for dragon waste Mural Man stood by you, reassuring you of his love, telling you how beautiful you were dripping and smelling of dragon poop. Now when he has three scratches along his buttocks you are saying terrible things. You are acting like you only have love for the image of the man. The enchanted being that Mural Man is. He deserves to be loved. Every edge, every crinkle of his single dimension. One dimension is how Mural Man exists. It is how he was made. If you can't love him the way that he loves you then Dr. TP says that this affair is over.” The faerie raises his hand. A glittering light radiates out of his fingers. When the light reaches Mural Man he loses his glue layer and detaches from the wall. Dr. TP wiggles his fingers and Mural Man's edges come together folding Mural Man into a bandage sized square. When it's over all that remains visible is the sparkling pink unicorn bandage. The faerie stops wiggling his fingers and with a wave of his tiny arm the bandage affixes itself to the wall next to House up high and well out of the reach of both kittens and children. “Here is your Mural Man.” The faerie says. “Until you can love the imperfections, the scratches, and the scars this is all of Mural Man you will see.”

“NO!” House screams.

Everything goes dark.

In High Command:

“Well...crap.” Writer Lady says. “So much for continuing the story. Where did I put that flashlight?”

In the living room:

“What the...” Tinkletoes says, he is holding a controller in his hands.

“I didn't do it.” Dylan says. The boy is sitting next to Tinkletoes on the floor holding the other controller.

“Relax kid. I'm gonna find out what's going on. Stay put.” Tinkletoes says. “As soon as I find the flashlight.” There is a sound of footsteps running away and returning. The big red flashlight meets Tinkletoes' head with a thud. “Ouch.”

“I helped.” Dylan says.

“Yeah you did.” Tinkletoes says, taking custody of the flashlight. “Thanks. I've got this now.” He says standing up. “Everyone sit still and stay put.” Tinkletoes takes a step without using the flashlight tripping in sync with a terrifying scream. “Sh**,” he says, righting himself and looking around.

“Careful!” Dylan says.

“What was that?”

“You stepped on my dragon.”

“Sorry, Fur...”

“Furnatche.”
“Furnot...what?” Tinkletoes asks.

“Fur-nat-che.” Dylan repeats with emphasis.

“Sorry...lil' dragon.”
The mercenary tries again. There is another disagreeable noise.

“What's that?” Tinkletoes asks.

“My tail.” Diomedes says.

“Sorry.”

“Perhaps if you turned the flashlight on.” Diomedes suggests.

“Yeah, well...I was just getting to that.” Tinkletoes says, turning the flashlight on. “The lights go out and everybody gets worked up.” He says, slipping and falling he lands on his face. “What was that?”

“What was left of the pizza.” Peter says.

Tinkletoes shines the light on what's left of the pizza box's contents. “Save that piece for Ray. He'll eat anything.” He turns and shines the beam of light on his preferred route to High Command, standing up he sets off for the room and Writer Lady one last time. “If I step on you it's your own fault.” Tinkletoes announces as he leaves the room.

There's a knock on the door. Writer Lady opens it to find Tinkletoes holding the flashlight's beam in front of his face.

“Have you seen my flash...light? Thanks.” She says, taking it from his hand.

“You were alone in this room in the dark. I came to the door with the light in my face like some kind of maniac. Weren't you scared?”

“No. You looked the same to me.”

“Oh. So, what's up with the power?” Tinkletoes asks.

“I don't know. Don't you know?” Writer Lady asks.

“Did you pay the bill?” He asks.

Writer Lady looks at Tinkletoes.

“Of course you did.”

“I didn't do anything in here that would cause the power to go out. What are the rest of you doing?” Writer Lady asks.

“Assassin's Creed Tournament.”

“This is inconvenient for you too then.” Writer Lady says.

“The little one is really kickin' my a...butt. I was making my comeback when this happened.”

“I've been in here. Everyone else is in the living room?” Writer Lady asks.

“Yeah except for Carp he's in the bonus room working with the kittens.” Tinkletoes says.

“And TP?”

“TP's not here is he?” Tinkletoes asks.

“There are two of us unaccounted for that could make the power go out this suddenly. TP and House.” Writer Lady says. “We need to find out where they are.”

“After you.” Tinkletoes says.

“What? The lights are out.”

“What about it?”

“You're the big, strong man you go first.”

“You have the flashlight.” Tinkletoes points out.

Writer Lady hands Tinkletoes the flashlight.

“Like I said, I'm bigger, stronger and have the training I should go first.” Tinkletoes announces.

Writer Lady sighs and rolls her eyes.

“Just because I'm walking in front of you doesn't mean you can pinch my butt either. I know it's impressive but be a lady and keep your hands to yourself.”

“Not a problem.” Writer Lady mutters.