The Butt Of The Problem

Tinkletoes stops just outside the entry to the living room.  “Things are kind of cramped in here so follow my footsteps exactly or you may step on something.”

“Okay.”   Writer Lady whispers.

They start shuffling into the room.   Writer Lady matching Tinkletoes' movements shuffle for shuffle.

“Um...” She says as she touches Tinkletoes lightly on the arm.

“Yeah?”

“Shouldn't you use the flashlight to check the floor?  That way we'll know where everyone is and we won't step on them.”

“No.  I was just in here.  I remember where everything and everyone is.   I'm a mercenary.  Mercenaries have sharp eyes and keen memories.”

“You're holding a flashlight, shouldn't you use it?  It will help prevent an accident.”

Tinkletoes turns around to face Writer Lady pointing to himself he says, “Mercenary.  Sharp eyes.  Keen memory.  I've got this.”   He turns and walks this time with the confident gait of a well trained soldier, slipping in the dark and landing on his butt.

Writer Lady turns on the flashlight and shines it around the room.  She and Tinkletoes find that all of the room's occupants are well away from them and crowded on the couch.  Tinkletoes' foot has once again found its way on to the pizza box.

“I thought I told everyone to stay put.”  He says.

“You didn't.”  Dylan says.

“You said that if we got stepped on that it was our fault.”  Peter says.

“Why didn't you move the pizza box?”  Tinkletoes asks.

“Oops,”  Dylan says.   “I forgot.”

“I was gone for five minutes.”

“These things happen?”

“Come and get this box so Writer Lady and I can get to the bottom of things.”

The two boys look at each other and laugh.

Tinkletoes stands up.  “Let's get going.”  He says and they continue through the kitchen and into the laundry room.

“Are you okay?”  Writer Lady whispers once they are out of earshot.

Tinkletoes takes the flashlight from her and holds it up to his face so she can see his glare.

“You hit the floor pretty hard.”  She says.

He turns around, holding the light in front of him and continues into the bonus room without a word.  They find Carp sitting on the floor patiently waiting for the lights to return.  Each kitten has taken a position on either side of him.

“You evil little faerie.”  House screams looking at TP.

“Call me names all you want Paper Lady.  You can't hurt me.”  He says.

“Flutter close to an electrical outlet and say that.”  House says challenging TP.

“What's going on here?”  Writer Lady asks stepping past Tinkletoes and facing House.

“He's killed him.”  House yells gesturing to the wall next to and above her.  “My own sweet love is gone forever.”

“Is that Mural Man?”  Writer Lady asks peering at the sparkling pink unicorn bandage stuck to the wall.

“Yes it is.”   TP says.

“And you are dressed as a doctor...”   Writer Lady says to TP.

“So I could fix them.”   TP says.  “You're welcome.  Here's your bill.”

Writer Lady takes a bill from TP and reads it.  “Tinkletoes, this is for you.”  She says holding up Dr. TP's bill.   He accepts the bill, reads it, and tears it up.

“I am the doctor.”  TP says.  “You must pay.”

“No one here has a million dollars and turning Mural Man into a bandage is pretty shoddy work if you ask me.  If you want to charge these prices Doc you need to be pickier when choosing your patients.”

“Her cure and his cure are intertwined.”  Dr. TP says.

“Make him fix it.”  House cries.

Tinkletoes looks at Carp, steps over to where he is, squats down and gets brought up to speed.

Writer Lady looks at Dr. TP,  at the sticker,  at House,  then back at Dr. TP.  “She's so upset.  Can't you just bring him back?”  She asks.

“Dr. TP will bring him back when House behaves.”  The faerie says.

“I miss him so much.”  House cries.   “I need to see him.  Please?   Just a glimpse, to keep his memory alive.”

The faerie rolls his eyes.

Writer Lady finds a piece of a crayon and draws an outline of Mural Man's posterior on the wall around the sparkling unicorn sticker.  She looks at House hoping to see that she has calmed down.

“He was a little bit wider than that.”  House says.

Writer Lady adjusts the drawing.

“Wider.”  House says.

She adjusts the outline again.

“Can you make the cheeks look...fuller?” House asks.

There are more adjustments.

“Could you put a little shading just below the right cheek?  It will look more real that way.”
After complying, Writer Lady steps back from the wall to inspect her work.

House's lips turn up slightly to show her approval.  “Mur...what have they done to you my darling?”

“What the...”  Tinkletoes says joining Writer Lady in front of the wall.  “It looks like the Headless Horseman was attacked by a band of renegade toddlers.”

“Mur...if you hadn't have died so young.”  House croaks.

Writer Lady looks at Tinkletoes sadly.

“He's not dead.”  He tells her.

She continues looking at Mural Man's...mural(?) sniffling a little.

“He's not dead.”  Tinkletoes repeats.

“What?”   She asks.

“He's not dead.”  He says a third time.  “Dr. TP told House that when she proves that she can love Mural Man regardless of his physical attributes he can come back.   Why is she grieving?”

Writer Lady slowly turns her head and looks up at Tinkletoes.

“You're a girl.  You're supposed to know why another girl is carrying on.”  He says.

“You mean like we instinctively know how to wear make-up?”  She asks.

“Yeah.”

Writer Lady looks at Tinkletoes without speaking.

“How did you know how to wear those funny brown things you wear on your legs?”

“Pantyhose?”

“Yeah.”

“During high school all of the girls got together and decided that it would be fun to strangle our boyfriends until they passed out and tell them that aliens attacked and did anal probes on them.  We didn't know how to carry the weapon with us without there being questions.   We decided to wear them.”

“If you don't know all you have to do is say so.”  Tinkletoes says.

“I don't know.”

“Okay.”

“Did you still want to catch a movie this weekend?”  Writer Lady asks.

“We still haven't gone on that date yet have we?”

“No.”

“Maybe we should wait.”  Tinkletoes says.   “Get this business cleared up first.”

“Is a big guy like you scared of a fragile little woman like me?”

“No.”  He answers.  “It won't hurt to wait until I've burned all of your hose.” He mutters.