When A Pirate Comes To Faerie

Pirate looks at Writer Lady expectantly.

“You were serious?” She asks.

“When it comes to an exchange of goods I am always serious.”

Writer Lady thinks for a bit. She hands first one kitten to Pirate and then the other. “Here. Hold these.” She says. Writer Lady begins searching her person for something that a pirate might find of value. She mutters as she searches.

He makes a face and gently places them on the ground next to Dobby.

As she searches, he checks on the source of the bright light. He returns to Writer Lady and attempts to move things along.

Pirate leans forward and whispers, “A bit of gold, silver, a gem or two. Anything her ladyship might have on hand.”

Writer Lady checks her wrists, her hands for rings. Her ears. She’s not wearing earrings. Did she tuck a few bills into her bra before leaving home? He may not value paper money, although, he has little reason not to. On the other hand, it doesn’t hurt to check. Writer Lady pulls her top out to get a better look.

“Would you happen to have a flask on hand?” He asks. Before she can answer, Pirate leans in and peers down. “You’ve got enough room for a flask. Possibly more than one.”

Writer Lady looks up and finds herself face to face, nose to nose, nose to face...does it matter...with Pirate. She wants to yell but quietly reminds herself that she knows little about Pirate and how he came to be of service to The Lady With The Long Golden Hair. It is possible that he is from another time. His decorum might be acceptable behavior where he is from, although she can’t imagine how. She responds quietly. “No. Not a flask to be found. Sorry.” She closes her top, as she rests her hand across the notch between her collarbones it touches something. Metal. Her necklace. Of course. “Silver will do, won’t it?” She asks, as she removes the necklace.

“Yes. I believe that I did mention silver.”

“This?” Writer Lady asks. She holds up a silver pendant.

“It all spends the same Luv.” Pirate says with a grin as he accepts the trinket and tucks it away. He returns to peering through the bushes at the source of light.

Curious as to what could be so interesting, Writer Lady leans over his shoulder for a peek.

“Could you reach ‘round front while your back there? I have an itch that I can’t seem to get to.” He says.

Writer Lady stands up and takes a step back.

“You’re not feeling as adventurous as I’d hoped you were.” He says. “My treasure lies in that clearing. If you’ll excuse me.”

Dobby pokes Writer Lady in the back of the thigh with a claw.

“Wait.” She says.

“So you are feeling adventurous.” He says. His grin has returned and eyes are beginning to brighten.

“My kitten.” Writer Lady says. She holds up Smudge Mal.

Pirate looks at the rainbow colored feline. “Yes, you have a kitten. One that was unfortunate enough to sit downwind from a unicorn sneeze. Still...she is cute enough. Have fun.” Pirate says. He turns back towards his treasure.

“Don’t...can you help me?” She asks.

“With nasal excrement from a mystical creature?”

She nods.

Pirate retrieves the silver pendant and gently bites down. “That would take magic. Magic and grooming. Do you have some water from Merlin’s well?”

Writer Lady shakes her head.

“A mermaid’s scale, freely given?”

“No.”

“What about a flea from a minotaur’s back?”

“I don’t have that either.”

“Then I’m sorry, I can’t help you.” Pirate turns around, he pushes apart palm limbs and steps into the clearing. Writer Lady and Dobby follow closely enough to see the light vanish seconds before Pirate reaches it.

“Bugger.” He says. Pirate stares at the empty and much dimmer space. “All’s fair in love and war isn’t it Darling?” He mutters. Pirate reaches up and removes a gold hoop earring with a pea size moonstone dangling from it. Removing the moonstone and replacing the gold hoop, Pirate holds the tiny stone with the tips of three fingers and stares at it. The air surrounding the stone moves, sparkling, changing the stone. It slowly grows into a crystal ball, eventually coming to rest in the palm of his hand. “Where will I be traveling to next?” Pirate asks. Within seconds, an image of an oasis on the outer reaches of a desert appears inside.

Writer Lady approaches, stopping, she stands next to Pirate and peers into the ball. “Is that an oasis?”

“Aye. An oasis located along the farthest reaches of the Desert of Neverending Thirst. The treasure that I am pursuing is quite valuable and I would expect nothing less from The Lady Of The Lake.”

She continues studying the image.

Smudge Mal’s nose presses up against the outside of the ball. “Is that a sword? Cool.”

Writer Lady peers into the ball more closely. “The Lady Of The Lake.” She whispers. She looks at Pirate, then looks at the image again. “That’s Excalibur.” Writer Lady announces.

“Could you say it just a bit louder? I’m not sure that absolutely everyone heard you.”

Spots Wash reaches out and scratches at the crystal ball. “Pretty ball. Can I play with it?” He asks.

“No Spotsy. It’s not that kind of ball.” She answers.

Pirate turns west.

Writer Lady follows.

“You wouldn’t happen to know where the nearest fresh water source is, would you?” He asks. “It appears that I’ll be taking a bit of walk.”

“There’s a stream about two miles to the north. And a river about a half a mile away. There are crocodiles hidden in the grass.” Dobby says.

“Aye. Grass Gators, as beautiful as they are deadly.” He turns to face Dobby, which doesn’t take long, the ginger tabby is behind the pirate and standing next to Writer Lady. “Thank you.” He turns around and takes a step forward...or so he thinks.

Writer Lady blocks his path.

“If you’ll excuse me.” He says.

She refuses to budge.

“This is an endeavor of the utmost importance. I have quite a walk if I want to reach the Desert Of Neverending Thirst before nightfall. It has been lovely seeing you again, but I must go.”

Writer Lady still refuses to move.

“As I told you before Milady, I am unable to help you at this time.”

“What are you doing coming into Faerie and stealing Excalibur?” She asks.

“We are not stealing. We are borrowing. Her Ladyship and I have found ourselves in need of it.”

“My sister?” Writer Lady asks.

“Yes.” Pirate confirms.

“Why? What happened? When?”

“There is bit of a situation with Her Ladyship. Her ‘Treimhse Ar Adoration’ is upon us. We are only borrowing. We have permission.”

“Permission?” She asks. “From who?”

“I do believe that you meant ‘whom’ Luv.”

Writer Lady glares at Pirate.

“I spoke with a resident and he assures me that the unannounced loan will not be a problem. The residents of Faerie cannot see me. Her Ladyship has loaned me a bit of her magic. No one will know that it’s gone including The Lady of the Lake. We really do have it all planned out. So if you’ll just let me get going.”

“You are taking custody of a magical item of tremendous value. I need to know more before I leave you to your...business. Whose idea was this? Tricking the faerie into letting you steal...”

“Na...uh...uh.” Pirate scolds.

“Convincing the faerie to lend you Excalibur.”

“Much better Milady.” He says. “Sometimes it’s not the nature of what you’re doing that’s important, just how palatable you can make it sound to others. It was your sister’s idea.”

Writer Lady looks at Pirate, she is unconvinced.

“There is something wrong with your face Luv. It looks like you’ve just eaten something disgusting.”

“I don’t believe you.”

Pirate reaches into his coat and retrieves a small mirror.

“I don’t believe that steal...”

Pirate raises a finger to his lips in a shushing gesture. “This year she has attracted not only humans, but animals and mystical beings as well. I can assure you that procuring Excalibur in a less than completely honest manner was her idea only because of the current situation.”

“Using my sister’s magic to trick the Lady of the Lake into thinking that Excalibur never left Faerie?”

“That was my idea.” He confesses.

Enter The Pirate

Tinkletoes shakes his head.

The faerie pushes against Tinkletoes’ hand.

“Thank you.” Writer Lady says, looking at Monitor Man.

“You’re welcome. I hate that I couldn’t fix it for you.” Monitor Man answers.

Tinkletoes’ mouth drops open. “She’s thanking him? She got tricked into coming to Faerie, had to save him, she had to trek through a rainforest because of him, she’s hungry, and tired. He delivers more bad news and gets a “thank you?” The self-proclaimed mercenary looks at Dobby. The ginger tabby shrugs. “This must be stopped.” He looks at TP, cups each hand around the faerie, and tucks him into his coat pocket. Tinkletoes looks into the darkness and says, “Stay there.” He crosses the road and stops where Monitor Man, Smudge Mal, Spots Wash, and Writer Lady have gathered. “I have a question.” Tinkletoes says. “When does Monitor Man get it?”

“What?”

“When are you going to get angry, scream, and yell? When are you gonna kick his butt?”

“I’m not.” Writer Lady says.

“Your cat is a walking rainbow.” Tinkletoes gestures to Smudge Mal, “With a bright pink smudge on his nose.”

“That’s not Monitor Man’s fault.”

“It’s always the man’s fault with you. Kick his ass.”

Writer Lady sighs. “You make it sound like I do this thing every day. Like there are random wounded men all lined up, sitting along the edge of the road.”

“You don’t hesitate to bust my butt.” Tinkletoes says.

“You do stuff.” She says. “Only because you do stuff.”

Tinkletoes shakes his head, “Monitor Man should get the same treatment.”

Writer Lady raises her voice. “He has to screw up to get that treatment.”

Tinkletoes shakes his head. “You treat him different.”

“I do. He doesn’t exploit my baking to his own ends, he doesn’t shoot up my sheds, or play with my feminine napkins.”

“I paid for those and bought you new ones.”

“You went to the store and got confused by all the girl stuff. The employees found you sitting in the middle of the aisle crying. You had to be escorted from the store.”

“You said you wouldn’t mention that again.” Tinkletoes counters.

“I haven’t until today.”

As the exchange continues humans, kittens, cat, antelope, and mystical creatures all grow more uncomfortable with each passing moment. Monitor Man pales a little more each time that his name is mentioned.

“You treat Monitor Man different because he’s pretty. He’s a pretty boy actor so he gets treated different.”

Writer Lady shakes her head.

“What is it then?” Tinkletoes asks.

Writer Lady keeps shaking her head.

Tinkletoes feels something strange and looks at his coat pocket. TP is moving around making the pocket protrude in odd ways. “It looks like TP wants to weigh in on this one.” With a puff of smoke TP is out of Tinkletoes’ pocket and fluttering around. The faerie’s eyes are bright with mischief, he is grinning from ear to ear.

“Writer Lady doesn’t treat Monitor Man differently because he’s a pretty boy actor. I think that she treats him differently because he’s a good kisser.” The faerie giggles.

Tinkletoes looks at Writer Lady then Monitor Man, then at Writer Lady. “So, when did this happen?”

Writer Lady doesn’t say a word.

“Haven’t you got anything to say for yourself?” Tinkletoes asks.

Still nothing.

“No. She doesn’t.” Carp calls out. The assassin-in-training joins the group making sure to take the long way around the unicorns. “But I do. You snooze you lose.”

Tinkletoes’ face reddens and his jaw clenches. “What did you say?”

“You snooze, you lose.”

“Carp. Don’t you think that’s a little bit harsh?” Writer Lady asks.

“No. I don’t. Tinkletoes, how long have you known Dobby?”

“Four...four and a half years.”

“You’ve been visiting with him for four and a half years. And Writer Lady too.”

“Yeah.”

“You’ve had four and a half years to get something started. But you didn’t.”

“I...um...”

“You didn’t.” Carp looks at Tinkletoes with disgust.

“Bwok...bwok...bwok.” TP says, the faerie is wearing rainbow colored chicken feathers and scratching at the ground. “I’m hunting chickens.” He says, the faerie disappears in a rainbow of smoke.

Carp ignores TP and continues,“Monitor Man comes along and he’s so.” Carp looks at Monitor Man. “He’s so...” He’s still looking at Monitor Man. “He’s so….” Carp sighs and looks at Monitor Man with full adoration. “He’s so kind, thoughtful, absolutely yummy. Look at those sweet eyes.” Carp looks at Writer Lady. “The eyes just bring it all together don’t they?” He asks.

Writer Lady nods.

“You haven’t been getting anywhere. Monitor Man came into her life once as a friend. It was nice. Later he returned, it was war, not between them but the timing wasn’t right either. He has returned again...and...she kissed him.

“A kiss that we have not discussed since it happened.” Monitor Man points out.

“That was why the thing happened with your hair and the back of your pants?” Tinkletoes asks, looking at Monitor Man.

Monitor Man nods.

“And you haven’t talked about it?” Tinkletoes asks. “People are calling me ‘chicken.’”

“Presidential campaigns, Monitor Man being kidnapped, tracking down assassin kittens, putting a stop to this craziness, and a rainbow colored kitten. Now there are unicorns. I’ve been a little bit busy here.”

“She does have a point.” Monitor Man agrees.

Tinkletoes nods.

“It’s not nice to leave a guy hanging either.” Tinkletoes says.

“He’s got a point there too.” Monitor Man agrees with Tinkletoes. “I’m a good kisser. It’s nice to hear.”

Writer Lady groans in frustration. “This is ridiculous. It wasn’t my idea. Carp made me do it.”

“I told you that you should jump on the opportunity to kiss him.” Carp says, correcting Writer Lady. “The thing with the hands, the hair, and the butt...that was all you girl.”

Writer Lady makes a new noise. “If I don’t get out of here, I’m going to hurt somebody.” She picks up Smudge Mal and Spots Wash. “Come on Kitties, we’ll sort this out on our own.”

Both unicorns follow Writer Lady further into the rainforest.

“Was that a growl?” Tinkletoes asks.

TP giggles.

“Mom?” Dobby calls. The ginger tabby follows an irritated Writer Lady, you know, just in case.

Spots Wash wiggles in Writer Lady’s hand. “Stop wiggling Kitty or I could drop you.” She says without looking at him. “Too close Mom. Unicorn boogers.” Writer Lady stops and looks down at the kitten who is dangling close to his multi-colored brother. “You just called me ‘Mom.’” Writer Lady says, her eyes tearing up for a moment.

“Yeah. What does it mean?” Spots Wash asks.

Writer Lady laughs. “It means you don’t have to be corralled right next to your brother.” She takes Smudge Mal in her other hand and continues walking. “Although it is nice to able to hold both of you in one hand.”

“It’s kind of cramped.” Spots Wash says.

“Don’t forget Mom, I liked you first.” Smudge Mal says.

Writer Lady says, “Don’t you worry Kitty. I haven’t.” She answers, smiling. She sees a clearing. Not exactly a clearing. The darkened rainforest is becoming unusually bright. She follows the light. Writer Lady sees something to her right. Something twinkles. A shadow comes into the open ahead of her. Something twinkles again. “I know that shape.” She mutters.

Dobby uses the opportunity to catch up.

“What is it?” Smudge Mal asks.

“It’s Pirate.”

“Don't you mean it’s a pirate?” Dobby asks.

“No. It’s Pirate. The Lady With The Long Golden Hair’s protector?”

“From The Ninja Zombie War?”

“We should see what he’s doing.” Dobby suggests. “Maybe he can help.”

“I don’t know.” Writer Lady says walking in the same direction Pirate went.

“He helped before.” Dobby points out, following her.

“A pirate in Faeire? He may be up to no good.” She says as she continues to approach the pirate crouched in front of her. He is peering at the source of the bright light.

The pirate turns around, “I’m always up to no good Luv. What did you bring me?”