Enter The Pirate

Tinkletoes shakes his head.

The faerie pushes against Tinkletoes’ hand.

“Thank you.” Writer Lady says, looking at Monitor Man.

“You’re welcome. I hate that I couldn’t fix it for you.” Monitor Man answers.

Tinkletoes’ mouth drops open. “She’s thanking him? She got tricked into coming to Faerie, had to save him, she had to trek through a rainforest because of him, she’s hungry, and tired. He delivers more bad news and gets a “thank you?” The self-proclaimed mercenary looks at Dobby. The ginger tabby shrugs. “This must be stopped.” He looks at TP, cups each hand around the faerie, and tucks him into his coat pocket. Tinkletoes looks into the darkness and says, “Stay there.” He crosses the road and stops where Monitor Man, Smudge Mal, Spots Wash, and Writer Lady have gathered. “I have a question.” Tinkletoes says. “When does Monitor Man get it?”

“What?”

“When are you going to get angry, scream, and yell? When are you gonna kick his butt?”

“I’m not.” Writer Lady says.

“Your cat is a walking rainbow.” Tinkletoes gestures to Smudge Mal, “With a bright pink smudge on his nose.”

“That’s not Monitor Man’s fault.”

“It’s always the man’s fault with you. Kick his ass.”

Writer Lady sighs. “You make it sound like I do this thing every day. Like there are random wounded men all lined up, sitting along the edge of the road.”

“You don’t hesitate to bust my butt.” Tinkletoes says.

“You do stuff.” She says. “Only because you do stuff.”

Tinkletoes shakes his head, “Monitor Man should get the same treatment.”

Writer Lady raises her voice. “He has to screw up to get that treatment.”

Tinkletoes shakes his head. “You treat him different.”

“I do. He doesn’t exploit my baking to his own ends, he doesn’t shoot up my sheds, or play with my feminine napkins.”

“I paid for those and bought you new ones.”

“You went to the store and got confused by all the girl stuff. The employees found you sitting in the middle of the aisle crying. You had to be escorted from the store.”

“You said you wouldn’t mention that again.” Tinkletoes counters.

“I haven’t until today.”

As the exchange continues humans, kittens, cat, antelope, and mystical creatures all grow more uncomfortable with each passing moment. Monitor Man pales a little more each time that his name is mentioned.

“You treat Monitor Man different because he’s pretty. He’s a pretty boy actor so he gets treated different.”

Writer Lady shakes her head.

“What is it then?” Tinkletoes asks.

Writer Lady keeps shaking her head.

Tinkletoes feels something strange and looks at his coat pocket. TP is moving around making the pocket protrude in odd ways. “It looks like TP wants to weigh in on this one.” With a puff of smoke TP is out of Tinkletoes’ pocket and fluttering around. The faerie’s eyes are bright with mischief, he is grinning from ear to ear.

“Writer Lady doesn’t treat Monitor Man differently because he’s a pretty boy actor. I think that she treats him differently because he’s a good kisser.” The faerie giggles.

Tinkletoes looks at Writer Lady then Monitor Man, then at Writer Lady. “So, when did this happen?”

Writer Lady doesn’t say a word.

“Haven’t you got anything to say for yourself?” Tinkletoes asks.

Still nothing.

“No. She doesn’t.” Carp calls out. The assassin-in-training joins the group making sure to take the long way around the unicorns. “But I do. You snooze you lose.”

Tinkletoes’ face reddens and his jaw clenches. “What did you say?”

“You snooze, you lose.”

“Carp. Don’t you think that’s a little bit harsh?” Writer Lady asks.

“No. I don’t. Tinkletoes, how long have you known Dobby?”

“Four...four and a half years.”

“You’ve been visiting with him for four and a half years. And Writer Lady too.”

“Yeah.”

“You’ve had four and a half years to get something started. But you didn’t.”

“I...um...”

“You didn’t.” Carp looks at Tinkletoes with disgust.

“Bwok...bwok...bwok.” TP says, the faerie is wearing rainbow colored chicken feathers and scratching at the ground. “I’m hunting chickens.” He says, the faerie disappears in a rainbow of smoke.

Carp ignores TP and continues,“Monitor Man comes along and he’s so.” Carp looks at Monitor Man. “He’s so...” He’s still looking at Monitor Man. “He’s so….” Carp sighs and looks at Monitor Man with full adoration. “He’s so kind, thoughtful, absolutely yummy. Look at those sweet eyes.” Carp looks at Writer Lady. “The eyes just bring it all together don’t they?” He asks.

Writer Lady nods.

“You haven’t been getting anywhere. Monitor Man came into her life once as a friend. It was nice. Later he returned, it was war, not between them but the timing wasn’t right either. He has returned again...and...she kissed him.

“A kiss that we have not discussed since it happened.” Monitor Man points out.

“That was why the thing happened with your hair and the back of your pants?” Tinkletoes asks, looking at Monitor Man.

Monitor Man nods.

“And you haven’t talked about it?” Tinkletoes asks. “People are calling me ‘chicken.’”

“Presidential campaigns, Monitor Man being kidnapped, tracking down assassin kittens, putting a stop to this craziness, and a rainbow colored kitten. Now there are unicorns. I’ve been a little bit busy here.”

“She does have a point.” Monitor Man agrees.

Tinkletoes nods.

“It’s not nice to leave a guy hanging either.” Tinkletoes says.

“He’s got a point there too.” Monitor Man agrees with Tinkletoes. “I’m a good kisser. It’s nice to hear.”

Writer Lady groans in frustration. “This is ridiculous. It wasn’t my idea. Carp made me do it.”

“I told you that you should jump on the opportunity to kiss him.” Carp says, correcting Writer Lady. “The thing with the hands, the hair, and the butt...that was all you girl.”

Writer Lady makes a new noise. “If I don’t get out of here, I’m going to hurt somebody.” She picks up Smudge Mal and Spots Wash. “Come on Kitties, we’ll sort this out on our own.”

Both unicorns follow Writer Lady further into the rainforest.

“Was that a growl?” Tinkletoes asks.

TP giggles.

“Mom?” Dobby calls. The ginger tabby follows an irritated Writer Lady, you know, just in case.

Spots Wash wiggles in Writer Lady’s hand. “Stop wiggling Kitty or I could drop you.” She says without looking at him. “Too close Mom. Unicorn boogers.” Writer Lady stops and looks down at the kitten who is dangling close to his multi-colored brother. “You just called me ‘Mom.’” Writer Lady says, her eyes tearing up for a moment.

“Yeah. What does it mean?” Spots Wash asks.

Writer Lady laughs. “It means you don’t have to be corralled right next to your brother.” She takes Smudge Mal in her other hand and continues walking. “Although it is nice to able to hold both of you in one hand.”

“It’s kind of cramped.” Spots Wash says.

“Don’t forget Mom, I liked you first.” Smudge Mal says.

Writer Lady says, “Don’t you worry Kitty. I haven’t.” She answers, smiling. She sees a clearing. Not exactly a clearing. The darkened rainforest is becoming unusually bright. She follows the light. Writer Lady sees something to her right. Something twinkles. A shadow comes into the open ahead of her. Something twinkles again. “I know that shape.” She mutters.

Dobby uses the opportunity to catch up.

“What is it?” Smudge Mal asks.

“It’s Pirate.”

“Don't you mean it’s a pirate?” Dobby asks.

“No. It’s Pirate. The Lady With The Long Golden Hair’s protector?”

“From The Ninja Zombie War?”

“We should see what he’s doing.” Dobby suggests. “Maybe he can help.”

“I don’t know.” Writer Lady says walking in the same direction Pirate went.

“He helped before.” Dobby points out, following her.

“A pirate in Faeire? He may be up to no good.” She says as she continues to approach the pirate crouched in front of her. He is peering at the source of the bright light.

The pirate turns around, “I’m always up to no good Luv. What did you bring me?”