Excerpt "Heather Darling and the Case of the Clockwork Cannibal"

Lunch At The Bistro

I manage to hide from everyone for the rest of the morning only emerging from the house to meet The Super Vagina for lunch. I start to cancel six times but my pride won’t let me. So here I am at twelve-thirty in the afternoon walking to a bistro four blocks from Heather’s. I find Detective Farina waiting for me, menu in hand. I plop down in the chair across from him feeling annoyed. I pick up the menu in front of me and pretend to study it. From behind my barricade I watch Detective Farina as he peruses and wait to pounce. The waiter comes to our table and Detective Farina orders. I cannot wait to lay into him but on the other hand. It’s not very nice to yell at someone right before they eat.

“And for the lady…”

I am brought back from my ‘He ruined my morning by existing and now he must die’ moment to find both men looking at me expectantly. “Salad?” I spurt out.

“Which one?” The waiter asks.

“Yeah…um…which one.” I look at the menu that I’m holding. “There’s a really good one, with chicken on it.” I find it just in the nick of time. “Grilled Chicken Salad. I’ll have the Grilled Chicken Salad.”

The waiter and the detective exchange glances.

“Two grilled chicken salads.” The waiter announces. “To drink?”

Detective Farina looks at me and asks. “How about an iced tea?”

I nod.

“Two iced teas.” The waiter announces. He takes the menus from us and wanders off to do waiter stuff.

“How are you feeling?” Detective Farina asks.

“Tired, cranky.”

 

He nods. He doesn’t ask why I am cranky. He doesn’t admonish me for my mood either. He sees that this is my current state of being and quietly accepts it.

“Do you want to talk about it?” He asks.

“I’m not sure what there is to talk about. I’m tired, it seems impossible to get any sleep and everyone is acting weird.”

“Things have been busy.” He agrees. “And as for the weirdness…I spoke to a witness this morning who swears that the dead are rising from their graves and taking over our bodies. An evil voodoo shaman is controlling everything. Or will be quite soon.”

“Really?”

“We will all be getting our instructions from the voodoo shaman through our cell phones.”

The waiter arrives with our order. Detective Farina looks at his lunch, looks at the waiter and says, “This looks good but I think that it could be better. Could I get a side order of brains?”

The waiter pales.

“He’s not serious.” I tell the waiter.

Detective Farina has not turned his gaze. “I’m completely serious.” He says. “I must re-fuel before we take over.”

The waiter looks at me. I shake my head.

“On second thought, you look intelligent. Your brain should be very tasty. Just squat down here. I’ll take a quick bite. “

The detective looks at me and says, “It tastes just like sushi.”

The waiter looks at me, eyes wide. “Is he serious?”

Detective Farina’s phone vibrates on the table. He checks the message. “It looks like I have new instructions from our leader. You can go.”

The waiter skedaddles.

“What?” He asks. “It was funny.”

 I can feel my demeanor softening, “Not for the waiter.”

“You were smiling. That’s what’s important.” 

The detective’s phone vibrates again. He gestures for the waiter, who comes to our table, slowly. “I have to get back to work. Can I get this to go?”

The waiter nods and takes his plate. Detective Farina leaves money for both the bill and the tip. “I’m sorry.” He says, looking at me.

“I know.”

He walks to my side of the table and bends over to kiss me good-bye. “Go home. Get some rest, we’ll have fun tonight.”