What Bubba Yaya Wants

*This post includes an excerpt from the short story "The Librarian" by HR Apostos.

 

Tinkletoes/John looks at Carp and grins. “Maybe the stuff in those girlie books you used to write isn’t such a bad thing.” The self-proclaimed mercenary puckers his lips.

Francesca takes a step back. “No,” she says.

“No?”

“I will not kiss you. There is an active contract out on you.”

“Don’t start anything that’s doomed to fail?” Writer Lady asks.

Francesca nods.

“Hmm.” Writer Lady nods her assent. She can respect that philosophy. Most of Francesca’s acquaintances will probably go under contract eventually, not making them good candidates for a long term relationship.

Tinkletoes/John studies Francesca for a moment. He shakes his head. “I don’t believe you. You’re attracted to me.”

“I will not kiss you.”

Tinkletoes/John looks at Francesca. “Do you mind?”

She backs away further.

Tinkletoes/John steps towards Writer Lady and the computer monitor. He begins reading. He raises his arm and points with his good hand. “See that? Francesca went home and I was in the car.”

Writer Lady looks at Tinkletoes, “The assassin was in the car.”

“Yeah. It’s who I’m dressed up as. She takes me home.”

Francesca’s gray eyes look at Tinkletoes/John. They are an unusually cold color and remind the self-proclaimed mercenary of his favorite gun. “Just because you were in my house does not mean anything happened.”

Determined to prove that he is right and Francesca is wrong because damn-it he’s irresistible. Grandma said it all the time. The dead one, not the one from the blog. She’s the angry one. He begins reading the story to Francesca. Pointing dramatically to himself whenever his/John’s/youknowwhoImean’s name comes up.

Francesca entered the housing complex through a rarely used side gate. The front gate was for any and all residents and visitors. The back gate was for employees and residents who were currently keeping a low profile. Few knew about the side gate near her unit. It was automated and only a handful of residents had access. She had top tier security clearance which meant the details she shared with security regarding visitors to her home was at her discretion. She paid extra for that. Expensive but worth it.

“Sit up in the back so the camera can verify a person is in the back seat.” She said. She felt his glare and looked at him in the rear view mirror. “It’s infrared. Low resolution. It will confirm another person is in the car. Nothing more.”

“That doesn’t sound very secure.”

“I am only one who is currently enjoying this service.” She countered.

An indicator light turned green, the gate lifted, and Francesca eased her car on to her street. No words were exchanged until they entered the house and she had reset the alarm for Resident At Home/Evening.

“I don’t know why you want…” He began.

“Shh…” Francesca called Security.

“Yes?” The guard answered.

“This is Unit 5-1-5. I would like to announce a guest.”

“Go ahead.”

“Male. Six-one. One hundred eighty five pounds. Dark hair and eyes. His name is...Jovan.”

“Jo-van?” He whispered.

“Category?” Security asked.

“E-6.”

“Duration of stay?”

Francesca looked at him, studying his torn and dirtied suit. “He’s a bit rough around the edges, I haven’t decided how long I'll retain him.”

“Notify us as soon as you have a departure date. Let your guest know he is welcome to enjoy all E approved services and amenities. May he enjoy his visit. Thank you for calling.”

“Thank you.”

“Have a nice evening.”

“You too.” Francesca responded as she ended the call.

“E-6?”

“I had to give them a reason a strange man would be in my home for several days that would not raise suspicion.”

He raised his brow.

“While you are staying here you are my escort.”

He walked to the door.

“Am I that unattractive?” Francesca asked.

“No, it’s just...I’m not that kind of man.”

“I’m not that kind of man?” Tinkletoes/John repeats. “I wouldn’t say that.”

Writer Lady looks at Carp.

Carp looks at Writer Lady. “I’ve had this talk plenty of times, allow me.” He looks at Tinkletoes/John and crooks his finger. “Come here.” The assassin-in-training begins. “I have five words for you that are absolutely going to change the course of your life.” He looks Tinkletoes/John in the eyes and says. “It’s not about you.”

Tinkletoes/John makes a face. “Well?”

“Well what?”

“What’s the fifth word? It’s not about you is four words.”

“The number of words is not important what’s important is the message. This is not about you.”

“Of course it’s about me. I’m that assassin guy. It’s all about me. Him. Me.” Tinkletoes looks confused for a moment. “It’s about me.” He emphasizes.

Tinkletoes/John turns to look at Francesca and smiles.

Carp gently turns his head back the other way.

“I know. There’s a pretty lady in the room. I know. This really is not about you. It’s about acting out Writer Lady’s story to see if it really does belong in John Wick’s world or if she should toss the setting out like a bad burrito and start fresh. What’s most important is figuring out where Francesca belongs.”

“That’s easy. She belongs here.” Tinkletoes/John turns to look at Francesca. “With me.” He smiles at her.

She looks at Tinkletoes/John and shakes her head. She points to her temple indicating Tinkletoes/John has a thick skull. She looks at Writer Lady. “He does not understand the story.”

Tinkletoes/John returns to Writer Lady. Turning the chair around he looks her in the eyes and says, “Don’t listen to her. I do understand the story. I just think it’s time for a re-write.” The self-proclaimed mercenary/assassin looks at Carp. “That’s the word isn’t it? Re-write?”

A Self-Proclaimed Mercenary's Overabundance Of Digits

Tinkletoes holds up a hand and snaps his fingers, TP appears. The faerie calls forth a Bowie knife that floats into Tinkletoes’ waiting hand.

“Permanent changes aren’t really necessary.” Carp says as he pushes Tinkletoes' knife wielding hand down. “Not for an informal dress rehearsal.”

Francesca looks at Carp. She raises an eyebrow as she takes his statement into consideration. “I suppose not." She continues, "Having all of one’s fingers can be useful in combat.”

Tinkletoes raises his knife, “The really good stories feel authentic.”

“Tinkleboob is getting ready to do something stupid.” House calls out. “I don’t care what anyone says, I am not cleaning the mess up. I demand professionals.”

Writer Lady turns away from the monitor and sees the tip of the knife pressed against the base of his right index finger.

“Is it this one?” He asks, looking at Francesca.

“No.”

“What about this one?” He asks placing it against the middle finger.

“It is an action series, what do you think?” Francesca responds.

“Wrong finger.” Tinkletoes says. He puts the tip of the knife against his ring finger. “It must be this one.”

“Right finger, wrong hand.” Francesca points out.

“That narrows things down.”

“We really don’t need to do that.” Carp sings.

The assassin-in-training manages to wrestle the knife away from Tinkletoes/Bubba/Baba/J...that bad ass that loves muscle cars and puppies.

“What about tape?” Writer Lady asks.

Tinkletoes thinks for a minute. “I don’t know much about doctor stuff but I’m thinking you can’t really tape a finger back on.”

Writer Lady closes her eyes, opens them and tries again. “We can tape two fingers together and create the illusion that you're missing a finger.”

“Great idea.” Carp agrees.

“So.” Tinkletoes says looking at Francesca.

“It will do.”

“All done.” Carp announces.

Tinkletoes/John returns to High Command. He opens and closes his hand. The self-proclaimed mercenary/assassin practices using his trigger finger. “Okay. What happens now?”

Carp looks at Writer Lady. “May I continue?”

“Catch him up.”

“John Wick has tried saving himself from his current circumstances, traveling to the far reaches of the world in order to call a truce with the big guy in charge. John cuts off his finger giving it and his wedding ring to his leader to prove his loyalty and acceptance of the big guy’s terms for reconciliation. A challenge is bestowed upon him. One that John does not like.

When he gets back home he decides to betray the big guy and not fulfill his request to support a trusted friend/colleague. He is betrayed by that friend in return. John survives and comes to create a new allegiance with the leader of the underground in New York City.

Writer Lady picks the story up from there. “He is currently dodging attacks from most of the assassins he used to consider colleagues, trying to find a way to end the onslaught and stay alive.

“He has made a very big mess.” Francesca says. “Which is why he needs me.”

“I come and find you?” Tinkletoes/John asks. “I ask for help? From a girl?”

“He’s actually done that before.” Writer Lady points out.

“It’s part of the story.” Carp adds. “No biggie.”

Tinkletoes does not look happy.

Francesca looks at Writer Lady. “This will never work.” She nods in Tinkletoes’ direction. “He cannot do this. His skull is too thick.”

Writer Lady looks at Francesca. “It’s not as bad as you think. He just has trouble accepting ideas that are contrary to his previously established principles. Let me try.” She looks at Tinkletoes. “John does not go to Francesca for help. Not directly. He makes the mistake of trusting another man to get the information he is seeking.”

Francesca shakes her head. “He is not much of a man. I cut up his tongue much too easily.”

Writer Lady ignores the comment. “John runs into Francesca when he tracks down that man. He enters Francesca’s territory looking for Vincent Donati.”

“I take pity on John and help him.” Francesca says.

“Pity? You don’t like Joh...me?”

Francesca looks Tinkletoes/John in the eye. “John Wick acts impulsively. He is careless, barreling in and shooting everything. He is like a bull in a china shop...too messy.”

“You kill people with knives.” He counters.

“Yes.”

Tinkletoes/John takes a step closer. “Bullets fly to their target, boldly penetrating and doing the job quickly. Efficiently. A cut throat is way messier.”

Francesca steps forward. “Guns are for cowards. Blades are personal. The target sees you coming and knows you are coming...for them.”

Tinkletoes/John leans in, “A well placed bullet leaves little blood. It’s a skill.”

Francesca leans in and counters, “Bullets leave gun residue.”

“Only on honest people.”

Tinkletoes/John is standing close to Francesca. Very close.

“This is wor-king.” Carp sings. “Is it getting warm in here?” The assassin-in-training starts fanning himself.

Writer Lady frowns. “No.”

Carp gives her a side-long glance. “I hate to tell you girlfriend but these two are turning up the temperature.”

Writer Lady shakes her head. “They’re not supposed to. They can’t. It’s not that kind of story.”

Carp raises an eyebrow.

“It’s not! They aren’t doing it right. They need to look at the pages. Maybe this was a bad idea.”

Carp gestures to the scene that is playing out in front of them. “Are you going to ditch this? Because if you want to ditch this I would love to have a go. Jenny Love can come out of retirement for a story like this.”

Writer Lady stands up. “He is a new widower who hasn’t done more than eat a bowl of cereal and drink bourbon for three movies. He is grieving dammit!”

“Would that be a ‘no’?”

“He’s been fighting. Dodging knives and bullets. He’s not eating, where would he get the energy?”

“Trust me girl he can find the energy some place.”

Writer Lady drops into her chair, puts a hand to her forehead and sighs.

Enter Bubba Yaya

“Yeah.” Tinkletoes responds. He looks at Carp. “So...what do I do?” He asks.

“You’re looking to me for direction?” Carp asks feigning surprise.

Tinkletoes looks at Carp and waits.

“I’ve always wanted to have my own production.” He gushes. Carp turns to Writer Lady. “May I set the stage?”

“You know that world as well as I do.” She smiles. “Go for it.”

“In this story you are John Wick. A notorious and deeply feared assassin. A legend. You are known as The Bogey Man or Baba Yaga. John Wick is the baddest of the bad. He is the man that you send when you want to kill The Bogey Man.”

Tinkletoes repeats, “Bogey Man. Bogey Men are bad news. How many guns do I get?”

Carp looks at Writer Lady.

“Based on my story line, as many as you can commandeer.” She responds.

“Are there, grenades?” Tinkletoes asks.

She raises a brow, “There might be.”

“But not yet.” Carp says. He looks the self-proclaimed mercenary over in his close fitting mixed cammos and regulation haircut. “We are going to have to make some changes.”

Carp calls out. “Wardrobe.”

TP appears in a well-cut suit. A length of measuring tape is draped around the faerie’s neck. “Oh my.” He says. “The Bogey Man needs new clothes.” TP giggles.

“A new suit please. Black.” Carp instructs.

“Cut?”

“Italian.” Carp responds.

“Buttons.”

“One.”

TP looks at Carp. “One button is not Italian.”

“One button allows for a better range of motion.”

TP shakes his head and moves on. “Trousers.”

“Pleated.”

“Tapered.” TP corrects.

“Pleated.” Carp puts a hand to his mouth and whispers. “He’ll need the extra room.” The assassin-in-training continues, “It’s easier to move around in the pleated trousers especially when suit wearing is new to a man.”

“Very good.” TP says.

Carp coughs. “Aren’t you forgetting something?”

TP shakes his head. “No.”

“There’s one more question you have got to ask me.”

TP waves his hand and a wide closet door appears. The faerie opens it and begins searching through a row of black suits.

“It’s one of my favorite parts. Please?” Carp asks.

TP sighs and turns to the assassin-in-training. “And the lining?”

Carp’s eyes brighten. “Tactical.”

“Cool.” Tinkletoes comments.

Carp looks at Tinkletoes. “Do me a favor while we’re doing this,” Carp gestures to the rest of the group. “Don’t use that word.”

“Why?”

“It’s quite simple, John Wick is a man of few words. ‘Cool’ is not one of them.

Tinkletoes clenches his jaw. He looks at Francesca for a moment, loosens the jaw and says, “Okay.”

TP retrieves a suit and hands it to Carp.

“Yes.” Carp hands it to Tinkletoes without looking in his direction. “Go into the bathroom and put these on.

Tinkletoes turns to leave as TP hands Carp a hanger with a shirt on it.

Carp turns and thrusts it in the direction Tinkletoes went calling out, “Shirt. Shirt. Shirt!” until Tinkletoes takes the hanger from him. Carp turns back to TP. “Let me see the oxfords. The solid black not the two tone.”

There is a knock on the bathroom door just as Tinkletoes is tucking in his shirt. “Yeah?”

“I have socks for you and shoes.”

“Won’t my boots work?”

“John Wick does not wear combat boots with Italian wool.” The bathroom door opens and Carp’s arm enters a pair of shoes with socks tucked inside are held from the outstretched hand.

“Is this it?” The self-proclaimed mercenary asks accepting them.

“I’ll help you with your tie and one other thing.”

“What’s that?” He asks as he accepts the shoes.

“Your hair. To look like John Wick you’re going to need more of it.”

“No way.”

“It looks wonderful.” Carp gushes.

Tinkletoes stares at his reflection in the mirror. His face is pale. “I have never had this much hair in my entire life. This isn’t natural.”

“You look just like him. It’s perfect.”

“I look like a chick.”

“You are wearing one of the finest men’s suits in the world.”

“I’m a chick.”

“You are wearing a man’s suit and you have a beard.”

Tinkletoes studies his reflection then looks at Carp in the mirror. “There are bearded ladies. They live in circuses.”

“What do you think happened, TP turned you into a bearded lady, we kidnapped you, put you in a man’s suit and we’re going to leave you at the circus?”

“Weirder things have happened in this house.”

“Let me ask you this, if you are not dressed up as John Wick and in fact have been turned into a bearded lady then where are your boobies?”

Tinkletoes reaches down and touches his chest. “Pecs. Solid as ever.”

“You are still a man. A bad ass one. You look fantastic. If you want to impress Francesca, come with me.

“Do we still get to play with guns?”

Carp looks at TP who giggles. “Of course. Relax. Enjoy playing the part. She’s going to find you irresistible.”

Carp opens the door and Tinkletoes/John/Tinkletoes...follows.

“I was already irresistible.”

“Of course.” Carp agrees. “Just get in here.”

Carp enters first. “Attention ladies. I would like you to meet our man of the hour, John Wick.”

“It is I, Bubba Yaya.” Tinkletoes announces, his arms outstretched.

“Don’t you mean Baba Yaga?” Writer Lady asks.

“That’s what I said Bubba Yaya.”

Carp shakes his head. “It’s Ba-ba Ya-ga.”

Tinkletoes begins, “Bub…”

“No.” Writer Lady and Carp both counter.

“ba?”

“Let’s go with John.” Writer Lady suggests.

“John is nice.” Carp agrees.

Tinkletoes looks at Francesca his eyes are bright. His smile wide.

“So...Francesca what do you think?” Carp asks.

The female assassin looks Tinkletoes over closely and says, “He still has all of his fingers.”

When A Self-Proclaimed Mercenary Meets A Hot Female Assassin

A brief smile escapes Francesca’s deep red lips, “You have no idea.”

Carp smiles back.

Writer Lady coughs.

He looks at the computer monitor then back to Francesca, “You have an interesting story for a ‘beautiful but deadly bad ass.’ What’s the problem?”

“Well…” Writer Lady begins.

“She doesn’t know where to put me.”

“I would go with a dark world. Something with a noir feel to it.”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to do. My noir falls a little flat.”

Francesca looks at Carp. “She keeps rejecting her own dark world because she feels that I belong in John Wick’s.”

Carp looks at Writer Lady. She nods, her head still facing the monitor.

“Great. Reach out to some people, ask them to call other people and see what the big boys say.”

“There’s a problem. It’s kind of a big one.” Writer Lady says. She points to an open file folder on the table in front of her.

Carp studies Writer Lady’s notes. “That’s her…”

“...last name.” Writer Lady finishes the sentence.

He shakes his head. “There’s no room for that kind of humor in John Wick.”

“I know.”

“No one would take her seriously. It would completely diminish her story line turning it into one big joke.”

“I know.” Writer Lady agrees.

“Change it.” Carp says.

“No.” Francesca responds. “It is the name that I was born with. It is the one that I will die with.”

“Wigglebottom? You’re attached to a name like Wigglebottom?”

“It was my father’s name. He was a good man.”

A look of confusion crosses Carp’s face. He flips through Writer Lady’s notes. “The same father that you were compelled to run away from repeatedly, finally getting out for good only to be picked up by sex traffickers at the age of sixteen?”

“That was my stepfather. When I left home and he realized that I was never going to return he made a phone call, told the sex traffickers where I was, and invited them to pick me up.”

Writer Lady looks at Carp and nods. “That was her stepfather. Her father, Francis Wigglebottom, died when she was eight.”

“But still,” Carp looks at Writer Lady. “Wigglebottom?”

“It is my name. I will kill any who try to take it from me.” Francesca says.

Carp turns to Francesca, “You aren’t really getting this whole ‘fictional characters have no say in how anything works out’ thing are you?” The assassin-in-training turns back to Writer Lady.

Writer Lady nods in Francesca’s direction. “Bad ass assassin. I know what she’s capable of.” She shakes her head. “I’m not messing with her.”

“Hell-o.” Tinkletoes’ voice can be heard from the entry. The self-proclaimed mercenary a.k.a. space alien and other supernatural being assassin is grinning from ear to ear. There is a light in his eyes that no other living being has seen since the Ninja-Zombie War. “Who might you be?” Tinkletoes asks.

“I don’t think…” Writer Lady begins.

“Tink, have you seen the new controllers in Dobby’s gaming den?”

Tinkletoes looks in Carp’s direction then back at Francesca who is in a discussion with Writer Lady. Blades are important business.

“They’re still shiny and clean.” Carp continues.

“Really?”

“Never been touched.”

“Virgin controllers...hot woman who likes sharp objects…” Tinkletoes says, weighing his dilemma.

“Dobby’s been waiting to open them up. He wanted you to be there.” Carp explains.

The pair listen as Francesca’s points become more pointed. “The density of the new one-stroke dagger means that less pressure is required per centimeter of penetration. It’s a cleaner and faster kill.”

“My kinda woman.” Tinkletoes looks at Carp. “A woman that is willing to talk infiltration comes along once in a lifetime.” He steps towards the fantasy of any self-proclaimed mercenary come to life.

“Aaaand...we’ve lost him.” Carp says.

Tinkletoes stops to stand behind Francesca Wigglebottom. “Hi.”

Francesca turns and looks at Tinkletoes for a moment. “You already said that.” She returns her attention to the monitor and her task.

“You really seem to know your weapons, you know, for a girl.”

“I do know my weapons. An assassin always knows her weapons.” She replies.

“I’ve always hoped that women like you existed. I never thought I’d get to meet one.” Tinkletoes continues.

Writer Lady turns and looks at Tinkletoes. He is standing as close to Francesca as he can get. In her personal space. Few survive getting into Francesca’s personal space. Okay, no one that Writer Lady has ever written about has survived getting into Francesca’s personal space.

“I can show you how to get more out of a blade. Once you’ve learned from me it won’t matter at all that you’re a girl and naturally weaker or anything.” He offers.

“That’s not necessary. I’m very good with my blades.”

“I could help you be better.”

Francesca looks at Writer Lady then turns back to Tinkletoes. “I have another idea. Why don’t I show you a cutting technique that I recently used on one Vincent Donati. You can let me know what you think.” She leans in, close. “Open your mouth, stick out your tongue…” The assassin raises a hand to Tinkletoes’ face, knife at the ready.

Carp moves swiftly, “How about if you don’t give a live demonstration.”

Francesca looks at Writer Lady. “It will only take a minute.”

“It would also make one hell of a mess.” Writer Lady counters.

“How about if we solve Writer Lady’s problem instead?” Carp asks.

“Another one?” Tinkletoes asks.

“Tinkletoes, this is Francesca. She is a bad ass assassin and Writer’s Lady’s latest creation.” Carp announces.

“Always nice to meet another professional.” He says grinning at Francesca. “She looks okay to me. What’s the problem?”

“An ideal setting for a bad ass like Francesca has already been created.” Carp explains. “By someone else.”

“Commandeer it.” Tinkletoes says. He looks at Francesca. “Writer Lady’s great but she always makes problems way bigger than they need to be.”

“That would be wrong.” Writer Lady says.

“Borrowing something long enough to make it better than it already was is wrong?” The self-proclaimed mercenary asks.

“Ye-ah.” She counters.

“What is so wrong with going in, doing the job, and getting out?”

Carp thinks for a minute. He puts a hand to Writer Lady’s lips before she can continue the argument.

“That might work.”

Writer Lady backs her head away from Carp’s hand, “What might work?”

“Taking a brief skip around the playground and seeing how things play out. Lots of people do it. It’s called fan fiction.”

“Great.” Tinkletoes says. He looks at Francesca. “You ever play a game called Halo?”

“No.”

“I’d be happy to teach you.”

Carp and Writer Lady whisper back and forth to each other. Carp reaches out and stops Tinkletoes as he tries to leave High Command.

“We need you here.”

“I thought y’all were going to play fan fiction.”

“We are.” Carp says, “We’ll be able to tell right away if this story is going to work if you stay here and act some of it out.”

“What???”

“It is a pleasure to see you, Mr. Wick.”

Character Issues

  This post is dedicated to my mother for suggesting a very unexpected place for a character that I had no idea what to do with. Thank you. 

 

Writer Lady sits in the Big Writing Chair at her desk in High Command and reads the scene she is currently working on.

Francesca knew that something was different as she walked through The Archives' darkened Lower Stacks. She could feel the heat of the intruder’s presence well before she saw his/her face. She noticed it as she passed one of the darker aisles. Burnt out bulbs above a row of records that were rarely accessed. When a bulb burned out in The Lower Stacks maintenance was never in much of a hurry to replace them.

He made no movement but she could see that something was obstructing her view of a section of Post WWII missions. He was...Francesca hesitated...taking a whiff of the air in front of the darkened aisle. Yes it was definitely a ‘he.’ A professional. Obviously.

Only a professional would know about this place. Only one of the best would have made it this far without alerting Security. Spotting the next darkened aisle, two rows up and on her right, she quickened her step and began mentally counting. One...two...three...four...five.

The intruder stopped her mid-step just as she had anticipated.

“You took Vinnie Donati.” He said.

Francesca looked the intruder up and down. A smile crossed her lips. “I knew that it was you. You’ve always had this thing about lurking in shadows.”

“It’s called using the cover that is available without losing your tactical advantage.”

She shook her head as she continued walking. “I did not take him.”

“I watched as he was brought in here.”

“If you had waited another ten minutes you could have watched as he was carried back out.”

The man sunk back into the shadows as a door at the opposite end of the building opened. A tall, stocky man with a boxer’s nose stood in the doorway. “Hey! Hey! What did you do to Vinnie?”

Francesca slowly turned around. “We had a discussion about manners. He disagreed. I taught him a lesson.”

“A lesson is a pair of busted kneecaps. This man is bleeding all over the place, having trouble breathing, he’s in and out of consciousness.”

“Your friend must have done something very bad to be dealt with so harshly.”

“Harshly? You mutilated his freaking tongue!”

Francesca looked at the stacks for a moment then back to her addressee. “Vincent Donati has no respect for the books and records in these archives. He has even less for women. I simply altered his body so people will immediately recognize him for the snake that he is.”

Writer Lady navigates the cursor half way down the page, moves it a bit further, deletes a line of text and replaces it with two new ones. Smiling to herself, she moves the cursor to the bottom of the page and continues typing.

“That does not work for me.” A voice says in her ear.

“What doesn’t work for you?” Writer Lady asks without turning her head.

A fingertip painted a bright blood red points to the text on the screen in front of her. “You moved my knife from his throat to his stomach. I would never do that.” The voice continues.

“If you slash his throat blood is going fly all over the place. I’m/You’re...when you change the location of the stab wound you are protecting the records in The Archives. It shows the readers how much value the information holds for you.”

The fingertip moved down the page. “He called me that. Do you think that I wouldn’t kill a man for calling me that? You really need to move the knife back to his throat. I’ve killed men for a lot less.” You said so yourself.” The finger moves down along the page. “Right there.”

“The story was better when the knife was at his throat.” Writer Lady agrees as she proceeds to remove the two new sentences and replace them with the first one.

“I am always right about these things.”

Writer Lady turns and looks the at the owner of the voice. “Why do you have to be so controlling?”

“You wrote me that way. Being in control keeps me alive in a world where few survive.”

Writer Lady shakes her head and turns back to the screen in front of her. “She uses my own words against me. Why do I even bother?” She asks as she rubs her temples.

“Because you have talent. Loads of it.” Carp’s voice answers. “You remind me of a young me. Before I became, Me.” The assassin-in-training crosses High Command stopping behind the Big Writing Chair. He reads over her shoulder. “Very nice. Although Francesca’s dialogue has a familiar ring to it. Who does it remind me of?” Carp thinks for a minute and snaps his fingers. “That adjudicator woman in John Wick.”

“That is because we trained together.” A voice answers.

Carp looks in the direction of the response.

A leggy woman with long dark blonde ombre hair sits in a chair on the far side of Writer Lady’s desk. She is wearing a long sleeved white blouse, a black pencil skirt, and a pair of heels that Carp would be dreaming about later.

“Well hello.” Carp says, his voice deepening.

The woman looks at Carp. “Hello.”

“Who do we have here?” He asks.

“Someone.” Writer Lady answers meekly.

“Someone?”

“Someone nobody else knows about?”

“Do we want to keep it that way?” Carp asks.

“It would be nice for the time being.” Writer Lady answers.

“Too bad, there’s no way that’s gonna happen.”

“Carp Fisher retired romantic fantasy novelist and assassin-in-training.” Carp says extending a hand.

Francesca looks at the outstretched hand and shakes it. “My name is Francesca. I am, The Librarian.”

“It looks like you’re a new character and a bit of a bad ass. What is it that you do?”

“I am The Librarian. I am in charge of all the records of the Hi…”

Writer Lady coughs.

“I am an archivist and an assassin. One of the best.”

Carp raises an eyebrow and looks at Writer Lady. “Another assassin, isn’t that interesting? How many is that now. Three?”

“Two, you’re still in training and Tinkletoes, he specializes in other worldly beings. Francesca is just your good old fashioned assassin.”

“So Librarian what is your specialty, long range shooting?”

Francesca shakes her head. “No nothing so indirect. I prefer blades and other sharp objects.” She rises from her seat, crossing the distance in two swift moves. Carp pales as she leans in and whispers, “Long range shooting is for cowards. I like to move in close, see life leaving my target’s body.” She returns to her chair.

Carp grins, “Aren’t you a fun date.”

Dressing Up

 

Shadows crawl. Down walls and windows. Over ceiling and floor. Across shutters, replacing all color in the room. Enveloping all in complete darkness. Every living being stops waiting for the lights to come back on. For their colorful world to return.

Several seconds pass as fog rolls in along the floor. A wolf howls in the distance. A much louder howl quickly follows. “Furnatche no!” is heard right before the baby dragon runs through the room, jumping on to the couch. He holds his position and peers over the back, sniffing the air for evidence of another animal’s presence. Furnatche howls a second time and waits quietly for a response.

Writer Lady slowly navigates the darkened room stopping next to the baby dragon.“Furnatche, the couch is a no no. Get down.” She instructs. There’s a rustling noise, the thumping of Furnatche’s tail against the floor is the only indication that he has cooperated.

“Thank you Furnatche. Good listening.”

“Well?” House asks.

“Well what?” Tinkletoes barks into the darkness.

“This is my living room décor for Halloween. How do you like it?”

“It’s the end of September. Isn’t it a little bit early for Halloween?”

“No.” House counters.

“Are leaves even falling yet?” Writer Lady asks.

“Halloween décor is so much more enjoyable when there’s a good nip in the air.” Aunt Purdy says.

“Decorating too early is tedious and in poor taste.” Paige announces.

“Who asked you?” House counters.

“When you asked everyone what they thought in a collective manner, young Miss Paige would have been included.”

Paige’s voice can be heard traveling up to the seven foot dragon. “Thank you Diomedes.”

Diomedes begins glowing a sedate sky blue as he looks down at the young girl. “You’re welcome Miss.”

“That’s better.” Carp says.

“Keep glowing man.” Ray adds.

“I can’t see anything.” Mural Man comments.

“Of course you can’t. Your eyes are covered.”

“The walls are covered. I’m a mural, I live on the wall, my eyes are covered. Great.”

“I can’t see much of anything either.” Tinkletoes agrees.

“Isn’t it great? The electricity bill will take a nice dip this month. In December, I can dress up properly like a house is meant to.”

Writer Lady stands next to Diomedes, looks at Tinkletoes and shakes her head.

“Writer Lady says no. You can’t.”

“Why not?”

“As much as I love you House. As much as we all love you. When you dress up, you tend to go overboard.” Writer Lady says.

“You all like the changes I made to my interior.”

“We do. It was a long process. It felt like it took months.”

“Beauty takes time.” House counters.

“We got lost...all the time.”

“Change is challenging but humans adjust.”

“I found myself locked between walls more than once.” Tinkletoes points out.

“No one really missed you.”

“That isn’t very nice House.” Writer Lady continues. “It wasn’t just Tinkletoes. We all spent time locked in some closet or room at least once.”

A variety of ‘yeses’ echo throughout the room.

“I don’t hear Ray complaining.”

“Ray was locked in the pantry with the cheese puffs.”

“The cheese puff room. That was a good room. Where did that go?” Ray asks.

“It actually became your room Ray.” House reminds him.

“Cool. Can I go there now?”

“Family meeting Doll. You can’t go now.” Carp says.

“Bummer.”

“No December dress up. The power grid in this town could not support you.” Writer Lady says.

“I’ll use a bit of magic and support it.”

“What happens after Christmas when the entire town is used to better amps and then it goes back to the way things were?”

“It really is too dark in here. Let’s try something else.” Mural Man suggests.

“O-Kay.” House sighs. The fog illuminates bringing more light into the room.

All of the furniture has been replaced with monuments.

“This is a cemetery.” Paige announces.

“Cemeteries are cool.” Ray offers.

The other males nod in agreement.

“Yes. They can be appropriately creepy for Halloween although I can’t help but wonder where the television and the gaming system went.” Writer Lady points out.

Tinkletoes shifts uncomfortably.

“Where is anyone going to sit?” Writer Lady asks.

“We’ll pull up a tombstone?” Peter suggests. The boy sits down on the nearest one. He stands up.

“Too hard?” Paige asks her twin brother.

“And cold. Slightly damp?”

“I know that you like authenticity but if you want to win this one House you're going to have to get a bit more creative.” Carp says.

Lights come up and the living room is back to its usual state.

“The gaming equipment wouldn’t look out of place if the living room was the set of a haunted sci-fi movie.” Peter suggests.

“Like a spaceship?”

“Alien.” Tinkletoes announces.

Carp shakes his head. “People snack in here. Too bloody.”

“How about a haunted spaceship?” Dylan asks.

“Ghosts are scary but not always gory.” Carp nods his agreement.

A smile crosses Writer Lady’s face. “Why don’t we split up into groups and decorate the rooms together?”

Tinkletoes rolls his eyes and mutters.

“A family project would be nice.” Aunt Purdy says.

“I am always up for putting my two cents in.” Carp agrees.

“Brilliant as always Madam.” Diomedes says.

Most everyone agrees. Ray doesn’t answer.

“We can break up into groups and brainstorm in Ray’s room with the cheese puffs.”

“Cool.”

An Hour In Faerie Part II

I continued to walk out the door. Unfortunately for me Betterman followed.

“Are you a writer? Are you trying to build a following?” He asked matching my pace annoyingly well. “What gave you the idea to bring your stories directly to children?”

“No. No and No.” I answered as I stopped walking. It was clear that Betterman had latched on to me. The challenge was deciding which technique I was going to use to inspire a quick detachment on his part. Rudeness had always worked fairly efficiently. No. He seemed to be a nice kid. Rudeness of my caliber might hurt his feelings. I mentally shook my head. For the first time in years I had spent the last few months encountering people that seemed to have feelings. This one was an adult to boot. Life can take some funny turns.

“I know. I look really young. It’s true that I haven’t been at the paper for very long. I am just getting started. Could you do me a favor and give me a break?” He asked.

And with those words he had me. What I wanted more than anything some days was for someone to give me a break. How could I not extend the same courtesy to him when I knew how it felt to need it myself?

I checked the time on my phone. Great. Pops is gonna charge me good for this. I continued walking quickly and stopped in front of a pleasant looking diner with a sprinkling of empty tables. “How about this, you give me a couple of minutes to make a quick phone call and then I’ll let you buy me a cup of coffee.”

Betterman nodded, smiled, and turned to enter the diner.

“Betterman.” I called.

He turned to face me.

“You get three questions. Three questions. Make them good ones.”

I heard the other end of the line pick up just as Junior Reporter sat down.

“Candy? It’s me Trudy. I’ve got a puppy on my heel and I’m going to be late. Cover for me?”

As soon as the waitress left, I let Betterman have his moment. “Go.”

“Your stories are wonderful. They show so much imagination. Did your parents encourage you in any way?”

“How?”

“There are certain toys. Paint sets, puppets. Did you make up stories for your dolls to act out? Did they encourage your storytelling in any way? Do you have any special gifts that you received as a child?”

“Yes.”

Betterman looked at me. Pen at the ready.

“A gift for counting. That was all of your questions and then some.” I said. My lips turned up in a brief smile before I took a sip of my coffee.

“That was one question with two subparts. You never specified the type of questions I could ask.” Betterman countered.

“You got me on that one Betterman.”

“Now for your answer.”

“No. No. And no.” This was going to be much easier than I anticipated. With any luck I would arrive seconds late and could tell Pops to kiss my ass.

“When you tell a story to a child you foster the development of that child’s imagination, they learn how to picture in their minds what they are hearing. You’re not only helping them to develop listening skills but opening other doors to their development of literacy including imagination which can lead them to creating their own stories. Did you know that you were sharing so much? Are you aware of the scope of what you are teaching them? When you started, ‘An Hour In Faerie,’ is that what you had set out to do?”

“You’re diving a bit deeper now.” I said.

Betterman met my eyes. It was a challenge. I had to decide if I wanted to accept it. I raised an eyebrow and thought for a moment then answered.

“I want to teach these children many things. That monsters do exist. How a monster behaves. The fact that they never look like you think they will. How to face battles in life yet still not give up hope. If they keep working, keep fighting, eventually, they can win.”

“Anything else?”

“A tear away bra and matching thong is never an appropriate birthday gift.”

Betterman’s brow furrowed at that final remark.

I sipped my coffee waiting for him to proclaim himself finished, make an awkward apology and leave.

He scribbled profusely then he looked at me. I watched as his face stilled and his jaw set. “Tell me about ‘An Hour In Faerie,’ what happened on that first day.”

“You really are digging.”

“Channeling Barbara Walters is my super power.” He waited for a few beats and then repeated. “That first day.”

I looked out the window at the activity surrounding us. Two kids on skateboards lifted pieces of fruit from a display outside the local grocer. A pair of teenagers on the far corner greeted each other. One sliding his hand over the other’s, I knew that a small bag of coke had been bought and paid for. A well dressed man and woman stopped in front of the diner’s picture window. No words could be heard through the glass but the looks on their faces said it all. The woman got into the man’s face and said something, he put his hand to her shoulder and pushed her back, hard. An old lady came into the man’s line of sight. He stepped away from the woman and crossed the street headed for the teenager with drugs. The word “ogre” crossed my lips, no sound escaped them. I turned back to the young, naive Betterman. “The world can be a dark and cruel place. Every day I see people looking for some kind of light. Any kind of light in the darkness. Some turn to alcohol, drugs, gambling, engaging in extramarital affairs. Some worship money or hoard material things. Others turn to religion, invest in their health and physical fitness, meditate or seek therapy. They are all doing the same thing, looking for a way to cope. Looking for sliver of light in all of the darkness" I take a breath and clasp my hands in my lap before I give Betterman what he came for. "I don’t do any of those things, instead I go to Faerie.”

The young journalist’s body tensed with the information. I knew that it would.

“You’re safe Betterman. I’m not delusional. I checked. It's true that I do go to the library for an hour every day. I sit in the multi-purpose room in my favorite chair and picture going on an adventure in a more colorful world. When I leave the multi-purpose room I leave Faerie behind until next time." 

I studied him, he made no move to leave. I continued my story.

 "One day, a few months ago, the little girl that always sits in the center of the front row approached me. She started asking me questions like who I was and why I came to the library every day to sit in the multi-purpose room in the same chair just to look out the window.”

“Instead of telling her that the world was a dark and difficult place to live in and the library was your safe haven…”

“I told her what I was seeing in the moments before she approached me.”

“When you were telling yourself a story.”Betterman said.

I nodded.“When I was telling myself a story.”

“She returned the next day.” He said.

“Yes with two of her friends. It grew from there.” Before he had a chance to ask me anything else I stood up and offered him my hand. “It looks like you have your answers. I need to get going. It was nice to meet you Ty Betterman. Best of luck to you.”

“I was wondering if I might get a phone number and an email address. I prefer to send my interviewees an advance copy of the article before it is sent to print to verify their name is spelled correctly and nothing was misquoted.”

“No and no.”

Junior Reporter looked at me, his mouth ajar.

“We had coffee. I trust you.”

He stood up awkwardly and shook my hand.

“I have no preferences regarding this interview, it is your story.” 

I leaned in close before releasing his hand and whispered. “Think about what you choose to write and how it will affect the children. ‘An Hour In Faerie,’ belongs to  them now.” I looked into his eyes hoping to communicate how important it had become to them...to me.

He nodded. “You have my word.”

I wished him a nice evening and went to work. I knew that he would follow but the interview was over and I was late. I was not cutting him any slack this time. I felt his eyes on me as I entered the strip club for my shift.

 I whispered to myself, “Remember your promise Prince Valiant. Remember your promise.”

An Hour In Faerie

“I looked up at the sky, Prince Valiant and I watched as a falling star crossed overhead and disappeared into the distance. We fell asleep nestled in the trees at the edge of the enchanted forest and woke with dawn’s first light.”

I looked at my audience. The girls were sitting still, listening closely. The boys were fidgeting. I watched as one removed a wad of gum from his mouth and stuck it to the underside of a nearby shelf. I moved my gaze before his eyes turned to the back of the room and found mine.

“What do you think happened next?” I asked.

“Prince Valiant says a bunch of stupid stuff, gets down on one knee and asks her to be his princess or something.” One boy responded looking at the carpeted floor.

“Yeah, that stupid girl stuff.” Another one added.

I smiled at them. “You’re forgetting, Prince Valiant is not a man.”

With that one sentence the fidgeting stopped and the room fell silent.

“I told you yesterday, Prince Valiant is a unicorn.”

“He’s not a prince?” One of the girls asked.

“He is a prince. He is also a unicorn. Faerie is magic. Animals can talk, fight in wars, cast spells, and they can be princes.”

I looked at the children as their expressions changed. They were thinking about what I told them, picturing it, then accepting that in this magical dimension some place far away things could happen in exactly that way. The faces changed again. It was the expression that I had been waiting for. They had questions about Faerie. It was a sign. They were drawn in completely. 

I had my audience.

“How can a unicorn fight if he can’t hold a sword?” One boy asked.

“He can speak therefore he has magic.” I raised a fisted hand to my forehead and stretched my arm, indicating the horn, “And a unicorn always has his weapon with him.”

“How will you become a princess if you cannot marry Prince Valiant?”

“I won’t.”

“How will you survive?”

“A lady does not have to become a princess to live in Faerie.”

“If she doesn’t marry a prince she won’t have a happily ever after.”

“How do you know?” I asked.

“Because all of the other stories say...”

“All of the other stories.” I responded. “Not every story is the same. I think that if you let me finish my adventure you will be pleased with the outcome.”

“Do you become a princess later?”

I sit and contemplate the little girl’s question before answering. “No.” My eyes slowly pan the group, all are interested. “I do not become a princess. I am made a queen.”

“A queen. How?”

“The usual way.”

The little girl in front who is obsessed with princesses answers, “She married a king, how else do you think she became a queen stupid? Everyone knows that marrying a king is way better than marrying a prince.”

“I fought beside the brownie tribes during The Ogre Raids and after the ogres were defeated they asked me to be their queen.”

I decided not to admonish the little princess sitting in front of me and handled the issue indirectly, “Do you know the word stupid does not exist in Faerie? Because every being has its own set of strengths and weaknesses. We do not believe in pointing out each other’s differences in demeaning ways. It is not considered polite. Royalty should always be polite. Who else has a question?”

The little princess hangs her head for a few seconds but immediately raises her hand to ask another question. I know that my words have gotten their point across without causing any permanent damage.

A hand popped up from the back of the room. I acknowledged it.

“Have you ever ridden Prince Valiant?”

I found the face attached to the raised hand. It was an older boy standing with a group of his peers, his face was red with embarrassment. I knew where the boy was trying to go with this and quickly headed him off at the pass.

“Of course not. Princes do not carry passengers.”

He tried again.

I interjected.

“Princes do not carry passengers.” I returned my attention to the children at the front of the room. “Who knows what an ogre is?”

When the children collected their things and headed out of the library’s great room, twenty minutes later, The Ogre Raids had begun. Their conversations consisted of sharing what they knew about ogres and comparing notes in anticipation of our next visit.

As I rose from my chair and picked up my bag I noticed that the room had not emptied out entirely. A young man stood by the entry. He was tall, well-groomed yet comfortably dressed and was wearing a friendly expression. Ogres wear friendly expressions too. In the beginning.

I told myself that he is probably just a weekend dad that didn’t get the message from his ex that Timmy has a fever and not to pick him up for a visit today. I crossed the room at an efficient speed to get whatever it was over with quickly. I had things to do.

“I did not know that a unicorn could become a prince.” Were the young man’s first words.

“In Faerie anything is possible.” I responded.

“You’re very good with children. How long have you been teaching?”

“I’m not a teacher.” I said as I continued my journey.

He fell into step next to me. “How long have you worked at the library?”

“I don’t.”

The stranger looked at the sign posted at the room’s entry. “How long have you been an actress?”

“I’m not.”

He looked at me more closely. I could tell that he was studying everything. The shiny gloves peeking out of my bag, my outfit, the elaborate styling of my hair, the vibrancy of my make-up. “You’re not a teacher, a librarian, or an actress. Who are you then? Why are you telling stories to children?”

“My name is Gertrude, Gertrude Scott. Who wants to know?”

“Everyone.” He said with a smile. The young man pulled a card out of his jacket pocket as I stopped to put on my coat. “Ty. My name is Ty Betterman, I’m a reporter for The Post. I was sent here by my editor to write a story.”

“About?”

“About ‘An Hour In Faerie,’” He responded, pointing to the sign. “About you.”

“ ‘An Hour In Faerie’ is a story hour set in the land of Faerie.” I said picking up my bag. “End of story. Congratulations. You’re done.” I said as I proceeded to walk away.

When Your Blog Characters Read Your Novel

“Oh my goodness. That is most exciting.” Diomedes exclaims. The dragon looks around the room at the others and smiles.

Ray and Carp look up from their e-readers.

“Where are you?” Carp asks.

“In the woods. Everyone is how do you humans say it? Everyone is outfitted for confrontation?”

“Everyone is packing?” Carp suggests.

“Locked and loaded.” Tinkletoes answers absentmindedly. He presses the button on his controller to continue his video game. (Sorry, virtual training exercise.)

“Oh my goodness.” Diomedes calls out. He thumps his tail in amusement, setting Aunt Purdy’s rocking chair in motion lightly tapping the wall. “It is most humorous how you humans do battle.”

“Duuude. No spoilers.” Ray says.

An explosion comes from the television signaling that Tinkletoes’ character has died. The self-proclaimed mercenary growls under his breath and starts a new game.

“No way.” Ray says.

Carp looks up from his reader. “Way.”

“Seriously?”

“Seriously.” Carp repeats.

Tinkletoes goes up in flames again.

“Oh my.” Diomedes says. The dragon is a tranquil blue color with a violet tint indicating he is having a good time.

“Anyone up for a game?” Tinkletoes asks.

Ray shakes his head.

“Bu-sy.” Carp responds without looking up from the screen.

Tinkletoes studies the group for a moment. He shuts everything down and puts the gaming equipment away. “What are you guys doing?” He asks.

“Reading.” Carp answers.

Diomedes looks up from his dragon sized reading device. “It’s most entertaining. Most entertaining. A story about a darling woman fighting a cannibal.”

Tinkletoes looks at Diomedes questioningly.

“Heather Darling and The Case of The Clockwork Cannibal.” Carp corrects. “It is quite entertaining.”

“No way man!” Ray proclaims.

“Way.” Carp says.

Tinkletoes looks around the room and spots an abandoned reading device on the table next to the couch. The self- proclaimed mercenary sits down next to the table and picks up the device when he thinks that no one is looking. “How do you turn this thing on?”

Carp holds out his hand and takes the device from Tinkletoes. He opens it up. “Do you want to read the book too?”

There is no response.

Carp turns his head and looks at Tinkletoes.

“I guess so.”

Carp puts down his device long enough to set the other device up for Tinkletoes. “Here you go. Enjoy.”

The self-proclaimed mercenary takes one look at the cover and asks, “This isn’t one of your books is it?”

“Are there half naked people on the cover?” Carp asks. “Does it say ‘Jenny Love’ at the bottom?”

“No.”

“Then it’s clearly not one of mine.”

Tinkletoes begins reading, decides to abandon the book and just as he’s putting the e-reader back down on the table...

“An excellent outcome. That was most enjoyable.”

The self-proclaimed mercenary picks it back up and reads. After a few minutes he begins shaking his head. At an hour in, he is muttering to himself. He shakes his head and puts the e-reader back on the table. Tinkletoes looks around the room. No one is looking at him. No one is talking. “That is a waste of time.” He proclaims.

“You don’t like it?” Carp asks.

“Duuude, how do you not like it?”

“A woman wrote that. One that doesn’t know anything about men.” He responds.

Carp and Ray look at Tinkletoes.

“Detective Farina? Real men don’t act like that.”

Carp and Ray look at each other. Carp looks back at Tinkletoes. “Some men do.”

“Well they’re pu....”

A child runs through the living room chasing a pixie.

“...wimps.” Tinkletoes leans in and whispers. “She calls him ‘Vagina.’ No man in his right mind is gonna put up with that.”

“It’s a term of endearment going back to the first book. It’s unusual but charming in it’s own way.”

Ray nods. “It’s a long story man.”

Tinkletoes counters, “A real man wouldn’t put up with it. I wouldn’t put up with it.”

“Terms of endearment can be embarrassing but he’s got a girlfriend. Can you say the same thing?” Carp asks.

“I may not have a woman right now but no one calls me funny names.”

“Your name is Tinkletoes.” Carp says.

“Damn right it is.”

“Are you not seeing the irony?”

“Alpha males have unusual names, it helps us stand out in a crowd.”

“Tin-kle-toes.” Carp says.

“Yes?”

Carp looks at Ray, “He doesn’t get the irony.”

“That’s rough man. Cheese puffs?”

“Sounds good.” Carp responds. “It’ll go great with the shoot out.”

“There are guns and stuff?” Tinkletoes asks.

“Ye-ah.”

“Maybe I’ll read a few more pages.” The self-proclaimed mercenary picks up the reading device. “Point me to the guns.”

"Heather Darling and The Case of the Clockwork Cannibal" is available for download on Amazon.