Weather Woman

Executive Producer KLULS : So Mrs...um...Johnson what brings you here today?

Tony: It's Miss. Tony Johnson. Daddy wanted a boy.

(Producer smiles nervously)

Tony: Like I told your Human Resources Clerk I'm here for the job opening.

Executive Producer: The only job opening I'm interviewing people for is the weather personality.

Tony: Yep. That's the one.

Executive Producer: I see from your resume... (Producer looks at a napkin)...I see your last job was at the burger place down the street. A job you had for one hour? 

Tony: That was the worst hour of my life too. All these little girls giggling in the corners, not doing any work. The manager, another little girl moving faster every time one of those little girls disappeared into the break room. There was a rush? Is that what they're called? That little manager started to yellin' at me. I told her “Look little girl, I know you're upset but this is not my fault. You will not talk to me like that. I know your mama.” 

Executive Producer: That is an interesting story. Do you have any experience with weather forecasting?

Tony: Yes. I've been looking at it my whole life. I can look out any window at any time of the day and tell you what's going on out there.

Executive Producer: Do you have any meteorological training?

Tony: What?

Executive Producer: Meteorological training? The science of weather.

Tony: Hell no. Science. I'm allergic to science. (Tony produces a fan from her purse and begins to fan herself.)

Executive Producer: We need someone who knows what they're talking about.

Tony: I know what I'm talking about. Walk down the street and ask a question no one knows the answer to and they will send you to me. I know more than anybody. (Tony fans herself faster.)

Executive Producer: You don't understand. Our last weather girl didn't have the knowledge necessary to deliver a credible forecast. She couldn't use the maps or anything.

Tony: I hate to break it to you baby but that child couldn't find the map either. She could only find her boobs because well, who could miss those. (Tony looks around) I'm ready for my audition. Where do I stand?

Executive Producer (Shifts nervously) : One more question. You seem to be a bright seasoned (coughs) woman. Why do you want the job?

Tony: The same reason anyone does. My light bill is comin' due and I don't want to be sittin' in the dark so if you don't mind.

Executive Producer: I am aware that because this is a small town television station in the South many people assume that we have much lower standards but I really need someone who can do better than the last girl.

Tony: Darlin'...I can't do any worse now can I?

(Producer shakes his head, runs his hand across his mouth, shakes his head some more)

Tony: So...how's your mama doin' these days?