Letting Go Of Brent And Other Christmas Miracles : Chapter 5

 

Somehow it all fell apart. As I mentioned earlier, my previous movie is not getting put out into the world. I plunged ahead and finished my current screenplay in a way nobody liked including me. Between the finished screen play and the news that my previous project was shelved I lost the backing on my current project propelling me into my own dark night of the soul.

It's funny how a really bad day can send everyone running to the hills. Nothing sends friends, loved ones, and acquaintances packing like an emotional crisis. There’s content all over the Internet telling people to reach out when they are struggling, unaware that when a person is struggling reaching out for help feels a lot like moving a huge boulder. Which is probably why so many people don’t get the help they need. When a person does get someone who listens to them they generally turn away or find ways to be less available in the future.

Where was I, oh yes the dark night of the soul. A dark night of the soul is something which is an important part of any story. The main character is at their lowest point. The point when they’re laying on the ground and you don’t know if they have anything left in them. Can they get back up again and work past their obstacles? The viewer watches and waits to see whether or not all is lost.

A dark night of the soul is something a protagonist has to move through alone which is a good thing because I don't know of any way to be more alone than I am right now.

I woke up this morning and decided it was time for my dark night of the soul to be over.

Just because I feel alone at the moment doesn't mean Renee needs to be. If fighting for my fictional character is all I've got left then let's fight. Her dark night is going to have a much prettier dawn. Let's do this.

Marley J.

My Dear Lester,

I woke to find myself as the only one on the bed for the second morning in a row. Words cannot express how I miss you kitty. I keep looking for you hoping it was all a bad dream. I know it wasn't. You have been such a cornerstone of my life for so long. How do I embark on my greatest adventure so far without you? I keep wondering if there was more I could have done. If you would have lived longer if I had taken better care of you, played with you more often, dwelt on Brent less and focused on you more. I’m sorry I failed you kitty. I won't do it again.

Love Renee

Cassandra stood in the doorway just as I finished writing the last word. She held a mug in her hand. “Was that to Brent?” She asked. “The letter writing phase of letting go is supposed to be over.”

“No. I was thinking about Lester.”

Stepping into the room she held the mug out for me. “The vet said there was nothing he could do to help Lester. His little heart just quit working.”

Accepting the cup I said, “We should have had more time.”

“Lester was over 20 years old. The average lifespan of a house cat is 12 to 17 years. How much time did you think you could get?” She asked.

“More?”

Cassandra made a face. I sipped the coffee as she watched me. “What are you going to do today?” She asked.

“Lay back down.”

“Then?”

“I thought I'd walk through the house. Look at Lester's dishes. At his empty bed. Play with his toys.”

“Don't you have something else to do?”

“Like what?”

“Pack? You were moving.”

“I didn't get the apartment.”

“Because they wouldn't accept Lester.” Cassandra pointed out, “You can live there now.”

“I won't live any place where the owners don't like cats.” I said as I laid down pulling the blankets over my head.

“You're being impossible.” Cassandra called.

“You wanted me to speak up for myself. Be careful what you wish for.” I called out from underneath the blankets.

“You have thirty minutes to get out of bed.”

I sat up. “I'm a grown up you can't make me.” I said before retiring back to my cocoon. I heard Cassandra’s “You're right I can't” before I drifted into a nap. I woke to the sound of the Pink Panther theme song coming from my nightstand. Peering out I noticed my phone screen lighting up. It looked like Cassandra was still in the house and had found a new way to occupy her time. I rolled over, covered my head, and waited for the music to stop. I heard footsteps near my bed moments before...

“Renee's phone.” Cassandra purred. “No Renee is unavailable at the moment can I take a message?” The sound of Cassandra saying “yes” and “okay” grew softer, she appeared to be taking my phone out of hearing range. I folded the blankets down as I sat up in bed. By the time I located Cassandra and my phone all I could hear were the words “That's fabulous news she'll take it.” Cassandra paused for a few beats. “Yes I'm sure. Yes, emailing the lease would be perfectly fine. Renee can sign it when she gets home. She can drop off her deposit, first and last month’s rent when she picks up her keys? That sounds great! Thank you Katherine I hope you feel better soon. Merry Christmas.”

I crossed the room quietly, stopping just behind her and coughed. Cassandra jumped at the sound, “You're up,” she said.

“What was that about?” I asked.

“I got bored and changed your ringtone. I'm sorry.” She said attempting to change the subject.

“Not that.”

“The conversation? Grenden Realty called, the owners of the building changed their minds. They've had second thoughts, your cat is welcome there. The apartment is yours.”

“I told you I don't want it. If Lester is not going to be there I don't want it anymore.”

“That’s so childish.” She said. “Lester died. Freeing you to take this apartment. The owner said a cat in the apartment is okay also freeing you to take this apartment. It's a sign. For some unknown reason you're supposed to live in this apartment.”

“I don't believe in signs, not anymore anyway. You never have.” I pointed out raising a brow.

“That’s true.” Cassandra admitted. “If I did believe in signs this would be the one I would believe in.”

“I'm happy for you.” I said as I walked past her.

“You have a new job that starts in a little over a week, you need a place to live.” Cassandra said as she followed me into the kitchen.

“Not that one.” I said reaching into the cabinet for a clean mug.

“I give up.”

I put down the coffee carafe as I turned to look at her.

“Why do you do it?” She asked.

“Do what?”

“Insist on holding on to your pain.”

I looked at Cassandra.

“You're still carrying the loss of your parents, your Gran, the fact that you never seemed to interest Brent romantically, now the pain of losing Lester. At the age of 33 isn’t it all of that beginning to feel a little bit heavy?”

“I'm not a bad person.”

“You’re not.”

“I try to eat right. I exercise. I'm open to new things (depending on what they are). I don't do drugs, smoke, or even drink alcohol. I don't gamble or use shopping as therapy. Why are you criticizing me?”

Cassandra pulled me in for a hug. “I’m not criticizing you Renee. You're a wonderful person but you’re not really living. I thought if you could let go of Brent that you might be able to let go of the rest of the crap you’re carrying and move on.”

“And now?”

“I’m wondering if I should take a step back. I think I’ve been pushing too hard for what I want instead of what you’re ready for.” She said.

Unsure of how to respond I nodded.

“Would you do me a favor and get dressed? I need to do some last minute shopping. I was hoping we could go to lunch in Grenden and you could show me around. You have a new job. You still need a place to live. Let's go to lunch and look around a bit more. Let's get things sorted out so Andy and I can follow through with helping you move. After that you can come home, return to your bed, do whatever you need to do; decide if you’re going to keep holding on to your pain, continue looking for a way to let go of Brent or take the time to seek him out and tell him directly how you feel. Whatever you want to do is completely up to you. I’ll always love you and I’ll always be your friend. Nothing would make me feel better than to see you happy and if Brent is what makes you happy that's okay too.”

After a minute or two, I made my first decision of the day. I got dressed. Cassandra and I went to Grenden, looked at apartments (the shopping angle was just an excuse to get me to Grenden), after all was said and done I still wanted the apartment located in the turret of the Queen Anne Victorian. Once the paperwork and payments were settled at the realty office and the key was picked up, I returned home to my bed grateful a decision about future housing had been made.

After dinner I started scrolling through YouTube looking for an answer to my next greatest problem while I navigated through my first Christmas Eve night without a dear friend. It was time to decide if I wanted to stay on my current course regarding Brent or turn in another direction.