Today was a difficult day. One of the worst I've had in a while. I ran into a problem. Who am I kidding? Problems with my next film. Problems finishing the screenplay which has led to delays with other aspects of development which is making my financial backers nervous. At this rate this project may never make it to preproduction. After a long day of that drama I got a phone call from the studio who bought my first major project (name dropping is a No No). They wanted to notify me that they were exercising their option not to market and distribute. Sigh. It took years to finish the script for my last film. I worked painstakingly on the details of every aspect of the production of that movie.
All that work to have it sit in a vault somewhere over the next few decades.
Why do I do this?
It's hard to not take so many things going wrong in one day personally. I can't let myself do what I used to do anymore. I used to cry in the shower, put on a robe, and sit down in front of you (the man currently known as Brent in my story). Okay not you but one of your movies. It would help me find a way to feel better about whatever was bothering me, usually after telling myself a story about how someday everything was going to come together and you would be impressed by me and we would meet and everything would meld into a new kind of perfect.
But I don't do that anymore.
Instead of indulging in the now defunct ‘my world is coming to an end’ go to I cried in the shower, put on my favorite robe, made a cup of tea, and sat down to journal. I'm hoping this is enough of a salve to soothe my worries at least until morning.
I kept things simple when I made the decision to let go of you. I made a promise to myself not to go down any road that leads me to unhealthy choices and trains of thought that lead nowhere.
This, dear reader, is why I don’t recommend unrequited love to anyone. It's because of moments like these when you need someone and the person you need the most doesn't know you exist, you are once again left dealing with your bad day alone.
May you never know this kind of loneliness.
Marley
After everyone went home and the dishes were done I sat down on the couch next to Lester. The remnants of the meal tucked safely in my refrigerator. It's a gift to whomever hosts UnThanksgiving Dinner. A refrigerator full of leftover homemade pasta, bread, gourmet sides, and Ted's famous Beef Wellington. Although everyone had eaten till they were about to burst I still wouldn't need to cook for at least two to three days.
“What do you think Lester, shall I put some in the freezer for Christmas dinner?”
The feline had no response he was busy sleeping off his own treat, a bit of cream I found hidden in the back of the fridge that I didn't want to go to waste.
“Dinner was fun,” I continued, Lester opened an eye. “Until my announcement.” I said. “It was the wrong time to say something wasn't it? I had to say something if someone stopped by to vent about the holiday season or do some last minute wrapping away from the kids and we were gone it would have been awkward. If only Melanie hadn't mentioned Brent.”
I shifted in my seat and looked at the clock sitting on the mantle above the fireplace. I was really going to miss having a fireplace. Having found a Realtor who has an office in the town of Grenden itself I made a mental note to mention my love of fireplaces when inquiring about apartments and small houses to rent. I yawned. It was going on midnight and I wasn't ready for bed. Okay I was avoiding bed.
What if my mind goes back to the exact place I don't want it to go? What if I dream about him?
Quit being chicken Renee go to bed.
After getting ready for bed and laying down I don't feel so brave. Being left alone with my thoughts after so many mentions of Brent these last couple of days seems to be troubling me.
Sitting up, I retrieved pen and paper from my nightstand to draft another letter to Brent. It’s not the best idea but I need to sleep and writing to him feels like the quickest way to get there.
I’m doing more of the hard things these days, as proud of myself as I am, it’s also the difficult days that lead me back to thoughts of you. Somewhere in the back of my mind is the a concern that you, Brent, are a crutch like cigarettes or gambling or alcohol is for other people. I have to admit I do feel like I have a need to see you on screen when things are difficult or spend time picking through memories of earlier days, turning pages of the picture album in my mind for comfort. I make the choice every day not to do those things just in case you are that crutch.
I do find it interesting that our friends keep reminding me I can handle anything. They, okay Cassandra, keeps encouraging me to raise the bar which is easy when you have a family at home to turn to at the end of the day, if only to distract you from your troubles for a bit. People I talk to are kind and supportive but eventually our time together is over. They return to their busy lives and I’m alone: with my thoughts.
Strangely, I don’t think I’m weak because I struggle some days but I do think building and maintaining a life on one’s own requires a different kind of strength. One that few people I know navigate well. One I had not grasped the scope of until now.
On the one hand Brent, society tells us that in order to be happy we need to be part of a couple. On the other hand, we are also told a person can be perfectly happy on their own.
I can't help but feel like both are true under ideal conditions.
When conditions are not ideal is when we struggle. It doesn’t matter in what camp one resides.
As long as I was waiting for you I never felt completely alone. It was only as time passed, when I reached out for you and nothing happened over and over again, after watching everyone else marry and start their families. When I was still waiting for something that never came along, when I looked at my life and realized nothing was changing. It was in that moment when I decided to stop waiting for something that was never going to happen that I truly felt alone in life. Letting go of you Brent is difficult. It’s a choice I have to make with each and every new day. Choosing not to reach out some days is almost painful. Especially this evening.
I know it’s the right thing to do.
Some day I will figure out what is keeping me from loving my life as it is every day.
Some day I’ll figure out why I spent so much time waiting for you.
For now I’ll cuddle up next to Lester.
Renee
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