In The Dark With The Bear

The room is completely dark.  Writer Lady can hear random chatter around her. 

 Pixies calling, “What's happened?”  “Someone's turned out the the lights.” “Magic is so much more reliable.”  

Tinkletoes' footfalls (okay...thumps) can be heard leaving the area.

Monitor Man's arms are still around her holding her upright.  “The lights will be on again soon.”  He says reassuringly.

It's dark, no one can see anything.  I can do this...I can do this.  Echoes through Writer Lady's head.  She raises her head to face Monitor Man.  The top of her head meets the bottom of his chin.

“Ouch.”  He says just loud enough to let her know that something solid is in her immediate vicinity.

“Sorry.”  Writer Lady whispers.  I can't do this....I can't do this.   She closes her eyes.   Is that Monitor Man?   He smells so good.  Writer Lady leans in to get a better whiff and their lips meet.  I'm kissing him.   I can't believe I'm doing this. She thinks as she puts a little bit more enthusiasm into the kiss.

“Open your mouth, Silly Woman.”  Carp's voice can be heard ringing through her mind.

Go away Carp!

Seconds later Monitor Man's lips part.

Oh my goodness.  Oh yeah.  Writer Lady leans into Monitor Man because...something solid...because...difficult to stand up.

The kiss ends seconds before the lights come up.  Writer Lady and Monitor Man take turns turning away from the crowd in order to rearrange themselves.

Tinkletoes returns to the kitchen.   “Everything's all right.  A fuse went out but I have things situated.”

Writer Lady looks at Dobby as the ginger tabby follows Tinkletoes back into the kitchen.

“It's okay Mom.   We fixed it.”

“He's right. We fixed it.  I just replaced the burnt out breaker with a working one.”

Writer Lady nods, slowing her breathing as she realizes that no one knows what just happened.  Except for Monitor Man because he was there.  And Carp...because Carp somehow has the ability to muck around in people's minds again.  She looks around the room slowly, looking for signs that someone witnessed their kiss in the dark.   Tinkletoes reaches out and touches her on the arm, Writer Lady jumps.

“I fixed the lights but don't try to use the washer or dryer.  There's no power to them right now.   I'll fix it later.”

Writer Lady nods.

“You look real pretty.”  He continues.   “Would you mind skedaddling?  We're doing important political guy stuff right now.”

Get out now and come tell me everything.  Carp's demand rings through Writer Lady's head.

Writer Lady mentally rolls her eyes, nods and quietly retreats from behind the podium.

“Before you go, could you put some food out?”  Tinkletoes asks.

Writer Lady quietly waves good-bye and leaves the room.  Monitor Man waves back as Tinkletoes is checking his own appearance.

Tinkletoes leans in and whispers to Monitor Man, “You might want to check your hair.  You have a cowlick.  Unless you like playing with your hair or something.  Do you...?”

“Do I what?”  Monitor Man whispers back.

“Play with your hair a lot?  I hear you actor types do that stuff.”  Tinkletoes studies Monitor Man's spot of mussed hair.  “I bet I know what it is.  You got mobbed at the airport didn't you?  Some woman's been runnin' her fingers through your hair.”

Monitor Man adjusts his hair quickly.  “Yeah.  That must have been it.  There were so many women...”

“You probably can't keep track of all of them.”   Tinkletoes agrees and looks at Monitor Man more closely.   “Don't look now but I think one grabbed your butt too.”

Carp corners Writer Lady the moment she returns to her bedroom to change.

“You are so bad.”  Carp says.   “You never told me what a wild woman you could be.”

“What are you talking about?”  Writer Lady asks, pulling off her shoes and pulling her jeans back on under the skirt of the British flag dress.  “I just kissed him.  By accident.   He was the one who...”

Carp shakes his head.

Writer Lady looks at Carp.  “What?”

“Don't play innocent.  I was in your head.   I know where your hands were missy.”

Writer Lady blushes.

“Are you going to tell me that was an accident too?”  Carp asks.

“I never know what to do with my hands?”

“I'll forget that I know anything on one condition.”  Carp says.  “Details.  Spill.”

“Who has the next question?”   Tinkletoes asks.

Several pixies raise their hands.

Tinkletoes picks one in the third row.  “Okay you.”

“I have a question for Monitor Man.  How long have you and Writer Lady been seeing each other?”

“That's easy.”  Tinkletoes says.  “They haven't.”

Tinkletoes looks at Monitor Man.   “You haven't been seeing Writer Lady.  I would know.”

“You're right.  We have not been seeing each other.”

“Next question.”  Tinkletoes calls, choosing another pixie.

“How long have you two been texting?”

Monitor Man answers, “We haven't.”

“That's enough with the personal questions.  We are running for office.  Who has a political question?”   Tinkletoes asks.

A pixie in the back row raises her hand.  “I have a comment.”   She squeaks. “That was one heck of a kiss for two people who aren't seeing each other.  Maybe you should ask her out.”

A pixie in the front row giggles and the kitchen fills with the chatter of pixies agreeing and adding comments of their own.

“I don't know what you're talking about.”  Monitor Man says.

“You don't remember being kissed like that?  It was dark but I thought humans had better senses than that.”  The pixie in the back comments.   “We saw everything.”

“Are you sure no one knows what happened?”  Writer Lady asks.

Carp shakes his head.   “No one saw a thing.”

“Pixies are magical creatures.”

“They only see movement.”  Carp reassures her.

“But can they see in the dark?”  Writer Lady asks.

“Our eyes are far superior to yours.  Of course we can see in the dark.”   A pixie answers Monitor Man's question.

“So how well can you see?  It's just shapes...outlines.”  Monitor Man says prompting the pixie to agree.

TP pops in between Monitor Man and Tinkletoes' heads.  The two candidates are standing side by side.  Best buds.  Political brothers in arms.  “They see in the dark like a human does with night vision goggles.”

“That's pretty good.”  Monitor Man says.

“You can't hide anything from a pixie.  Silly human.”  TP says.

Pursuing The Bear

Writer Lady looks at what she is wearing.   “What's wrong with my clothes?”   She asks.

“Jeans and a t-shirt.”  Carp says making a face.

“It's 25 degrees outside.  You're lucky I'm not wearing a parka.”

“The kind with a hood?  Because I hate to tell you sweetie but your hair looks awful.   How do you feel about hats?”

“I don't like them.”

“I always say that hats are like books if you don't like them then you haven't found the right one.”

Writer Lady glares at Carp.

“Where are your shopping hormones?  Do you have them in sleep mode?  Repeat after me, 'Looking pretty is fun'.”  Carp says.

“Your mama dresses you funny.”   Writer Lady responds.

“At least I'm out of my bathrobe between the hours of 10 and 9.”

Writer Lady rolls her eyes.  She turns and looks at the door.  “Is that Monitor Man walking by?”   She asks.

Carp sharply turns to face the entry door and peeks out.  High pitched giggling commences, Carp looks down to find two pixies hovering near the base of the door.

“Cookies?”  A pixie asks.  “Every other dollar helps fund the Tinkletoes/Monitor Man Presidential campaign.

“No thank you.”   Carp says closing the door.  “Pixies.”  He mutters.  “Tinkletoes is still running for President with Monitor Man.  We need some red, white, and blue.”   Carp looks at Writer Lady.  His gaze wanders the length of High Command's walls stopping at a picture taken of Writer Lady with The Lady with the Long Golden Hair during their trip to the Land of the Rising Bird.  “I can get you out of here in two shakes to see Monitor Man and we don't have to go shopping.”

“What's the catch?”  Writer Lady asks.

“No catch.”  He says.   “Not yet anyway.   Do you have a push up bra?”

“I might.”  Writer Lady answers.

A few minutes and a lot of arguing later...

“I don't like this.  This is a bad idea.”  Writer Lady says.  She is standing in front of a full length mirror in her British flag dress.

“You look fantastic.”  Carp says putting the finishing touches on her hair.

“It's freezing outside.  I'm freezing.”

“I know your skin is a little bumpy but it's doing wonders for your cleavage.  You're wearing red, white and blue perfect for a political campaign.”

“It's a British flag dress!”  Writer Lady points out.

“It is an inspiration.  It reminds Monitor Man of what can be overcome with focus and a little bit of hard work.”

Writer Lady glares at Carp and growls.

“Okay a lot of hard work.”

Writer Lady shakes her head.  “This is ridiculous.  Monitor Man cannot possibly be here for me and what about Tinkletoes?”

“What about Tinkletoes?”  Carp asks.

“We have a date to go out on a date.”

“As my grandmother used to say, 'You snooze you lose'.”

“That's not very nice.”  Writer Lady says.

“Neither are the tumble weeds rolling through the desert trail that is your love life.”

Writer Lady begins to protest.

Carp reaches out and takes both of her hands in his, he looks into her eyes and says, “Sometimes things aren't just about you.  This is about Monitor Man.   This is about all of those women out there that have loved their own Monitor Man. You have a chance that all of us...them would give anything for.  To take the delicious man of their dreams in their arms, put their lips to his, open their mouths and kiss him so deeply, so fully he feels like...well he is very satis...happy when the kiss is over.   You have a chance to claim that unreachable man and if you don't you are condemning us all to empty lives and unfulfilled dreams.  Forever.”

“You aren't expecting much are you?”   Writer Lady asks.   “I'm not sure I can do this.”

“It's easy, just make sure that when you're done it's hard for him to stand up.” Carp says.

Writer Lady begins her long walk into the kitchen feeling naked in more ways than one.  She turns towards the bedroom only to be stopped by Carp.

“Nah uh uh.  Where are you going?”  He asks.

“Sweater.”

Carp turns her back towards the living room.   They continue their journey.

“Not even a sweater.”  Writer Lady grumbles.

“You're on a mission sweetie, soldier on.”  Carp says pushing her into the kitchen and directly for Monitor Man.

She stumbles over her feet trying to avoid all of the pixies.  Writer Lady shifts her weight from one foot to the next as she avoids creating pixie destruction/carnage with every step.

“Oh my gosh.”  Writer Lady says as she stops at the refrigerator.   “Did I step on something?  I feel like I stepped on something.”   She says looking around the floor.

“It's okay Mom.”  Dobby says.  “You didn't step on anything.  Wait a minute...” The ginger tabby slides something along the floor.   “You killed a food dish.”

“Is that all?   Thank goodness for that.”   She says looking where Dobby is pointing.  “I have to be careful I don't want to spill any water.  Ooops...” Writer Lady slips.

Monitor Man reaches out and catches her, holding her steady.   “Whoa...it's okay I've got you.”  He says smiling.

Writer Lady's eyes grow large, she looks across the room at Carp who grins and gives her the 'Okay'.

Tinkletoes' growl starts low and gradually grows louder.  The growling noise keeps growing as do Carp's gestures.  It starts with pronounced puckering and quickly grows to waving arms, Carp holding a couch cushion to his face and kissing it passionately.

A pixie's voice can be heard over the crowd.  “Writer Lady and Monitor Man are a couple.”   Flashes start going off throughout the room.

Another voice calls “We need a picture.  How about a kiss?”
(Yep it was Carp)

Several pixies squeal and others continue encouraging.

Tinkletoes' growling continues his face growing red.  He begins to lean in closer to Monitor Man and Writer Lady.

   There is a cracking noise and everything goes dark.

The Bear In The Room

“I can't believe it. I can't believe it.” One voice calls from the crowd.

“It's Monitor Man!” Another pixie squeals.

The crowd of pixies turn away from the podium to face Tinkletoes and Monitor Man.

“I Love You”, “He's so Enchanting” and “Monitor Man Sparkles!” can be heard throughout the room.

“Are those...pixies?” Monitor Man asks.

Tinkletoes nods and whispers. “Yeah pixies and they love you.” Tinkletoes waves and smiles. “We're gonna talk to them. I'll do the talking. Do whatever I tell you.”

Monitor Man looks at Tinkletoes and begins to protest. Tinkletoes turns to Monitor Man and lowers his voice. “Let me put this to you another way. Do what I say or I will hurt you. Physically.”

Monitor Man looks Tinkletoes in the eyes and says, “I think I can take it.”

“You're under contract right?” Tinkletoes asks quietly. “A little bird told me that you're scheduled to be on camera a lot this year. I wonder if your directors, producers, your agents are going to like it if something really bad happens to your pretty face. You need to ask yourself if you can afford a series of lawsuits because reconstructive surgery can take a long time to recover from. How long is it going to take before you start getting the really good roles again?”

“First of all, you don't scare me.” Monitor Man says calmly scrolling through his phone. “My calendar is full. I have a new project that I would like to start next year. I need this year's money for that. I can't do anything that requires a lot of press time...”

“This is an...” Tinkletoes says.

“appearance” Dobby says. “This is just an appearance.”

“Smiling and taking pictures with a lot of tiny high voiced fans.” Tinkletoes adds guiding Monitor Man into the kitchen and behind the podium. “I told you that Monitor Man and I were buds.” Tinkletoes announces. He is standing next to Monitor Man and has his arm draped around the actor's shoulder. “I have one more thing to share about my pending um...enlistment. Be reassured that you will be in good hands and stuff because Monitor Man is going to be with me the whole time. He's gonna be Vice President. Tell the entire magical world that Tinkletoes and Monitor Man are taking over the White House.”

Flashes go off amongst high pitched squeals of delight and rapid chatter.

Monitor Man turns and stares at Tinkletoes. “What did you just say?” He asks.

“Just nod and smile.” Tinkletoes says grinning. “Nod and smile.”

TP floats on the air between the self-proclaimed mercenary and the actor. “Silly Humans.” He giggles as a flash goes off memorializing the historical moment for all.

Carp looks away from the commotion in the kitchen when his phone vibrates, pulling it out of his pocket he reads the display. He scrolls, reads a little more, smiles and starts tapping away. “This is going to be so much fun.” He sings quietly to himself as he makes his way down the hall and into High Command.

Writer Lady hears the door to High Command open and close behind her. “I'm writing. This had better be good.” She says to her visitor without turning away from the monitor.

“It's fate. Fate's a good reason.” Carp says.

“What's happened?” Writer Lady asks turning around to find Carp butted up against the door scrolling through his phone at a furious pace.

“I knew it. Everything has shifted.” Carp mutters.

“What?”

“I knew this was a sign.”

“What is going on Carp?”

Carp holds his phone up to the light and mutters. “Ha ha! That's it! That's the stuff!”

“Carp!”

“It's Monitor Man. He's returned.” Carp says looking at Writer Lady.

“What?”

“Monitor Man...that incredibly pretty, talented, sexy man with the sweetest butt on either side of the Mississippi? He's here.”

Writer Lady smiles. “'That's nice. Did he come for a visit?” She asks.

“He came here for you.”

“Excuse me?”

“He came here for you.” Carp says. “You my dear are going to be swept away to somewhere romantic. Somewhere beautiful. Somewhere exotic. Or maybe just his place.” Carp takes Writer Lady by the hand and yanks her out of the Big Writing Chair. “Move your ass girl. It's time to pack.”

Writer Lady rights herself, “Wait a sec. Did Monitor Man say that he came here for me?”

“He showed up and he's yummy. We're running with it.” Carp says pulling on her hand.

“Where have I heard that before.” Writer Lady says dropping Carp's hand and sitting back down.

“Why else would he be here?” Carp asks. “Let's go! Your clothes are terrible. There's probably going to have to be shopping.”

Writer Lady doesn't move.

“He wouldn't have had to come all of this way again if you had just kissed him the last time that you saw him.”

“He said that he was seeing somebody.” Writer Lady argues.

“Girl you have got to learn to read people better. If you are standing in front of someone and talking to them you can say that you're seeing them. It doesn't make things permanent.”

“Do you have any idea how underhanded, conniving and slutty you sound right now?”

“Too Alexis Carrington?”

“Yes.”

“I checked all of my sources and they say that everything has shifted and now is the time for you and Monitor Man. It's fated.”

“If it's 'fated' then everything will fall into place whether I do anything or not. I will not get in between a couple. I don't do those things.”

“Don't worry I will.” Carp says.

“You won't either.” Writer Lady says.

“I don't know why you're so worried.”

“I have morals.” She says.

“Monitor Man dumped that girlfriend months ago.”

“What about the one that came after her?” Writer Lady asks.

“I checked with my sources there really isn't anyone special right now.” Carp says.

Writer Lady glares at Carp.

“It's true.” He says as he crosses his fingers behind his back.

“I'm not sure I believe you.”

“Come with me and find out. Please?”

Writer Lady doesn't move. “I don't need to—Fate remember?”

“Fate isn't asking you to do anything...just cooperate.” Carp says.

“I do want to say 'Hello'” Writer Lady says rising from her chair.

“Are you going to wear that?”

When The Bear Gets Past Security

“Space aliens. I was talking about shooting space aliens.”

There is a brief silence then a burst of activity and flashes go off.

“If you have a problem with space aliens what is your philosophy regarding the magical community?” A pixie asks looking at Tinkletoes scornfully.

“I want the beings of the magical community to be safe.” He answers.

“All of them?” Another pixie asks.

Tinkletoes looks at TP, Carp and Dobby for guidance turning back to the pixies he says, “Yeah.”

“That means pixies as well as faeries.” The first pixie says.

“As well as dragons and demons. DE-MONS!” Another pixie stresses in a high pitched voice.

“Dragons and demons too.” Tinkletoes agrees.

A new pixie enters the pool of peporters (those are pixie reporters just so you know) he stops and whispers something to the first pixie. “What about Ninja Zombies?”

“Um...um...” Tinkletoes says his mouth flopping open, closing, and flopping back open.

“Isn't it true that you do not like Ninja Zombies?”

Tinkletoes does not answer.

“Isn't it true that you helped destroy an entire generation of Ninja Zombies during their transition?” She asks.

“They took over a convention center and were destroying everything they could.”

“Didn't you...”

“It was a sci-fi convention.” Tinkletoes clarifies.

The pixies glare...seething with indignation.

“Browncoats were everywhere. In danger. I had to keep my crew safe. Dobby's mom, Writer Lady, and her sister The Lady With The Long Golden Hair were caught in the fray.” He says gesturing to Dobby with a nod of his head. “Monitor Man too. Without my help a lot of people would have died that day.”

The crowd is unimpressed.

“Wouldn't you have done the same? Wouldn't you have saved your friends?” He asks.

The new pixie whispers in the first pixie's ear. The pixie looks up, glares at Tinkletoes and says, “Monitor Man is your friend? My sources say that the last time you thought he was on his way over you put up a six foot barb wire fence around this house. Would you care to comment?”

“No I would not care to comment. Monitor Man and I are buds. We hang out all the time.”

“Really.” The pixie counters. “Because my sources say...”

“Your sources don't know squat.”

Several pixies start yelling at once. The high pitched squeals are less than attractive. Tinkletoes puts his hands to his ears to block out the sound turning to Dobby, Carp, TP and Dylan he says, “What the...heck is this?”

“This is running for President. Silly human.” TP giggles.

“I told you that there were easier ways to be called Commander.” Carp says.

Tinkletoes looks at the crowd of pixies that is making its way closer and closer to the podium. “How do I shut them up?”

“You don't.” TP says giggling.

“There has to be a way.” Tinkletoes says. “A good grenade would clear the room.” He says reaching into a pocket not finding what he is looking for he keeps checking pockets. “I don't have any grenades.”

“This is politics, no grenades allowed. At least not the kind that you're used to.”

Knock...knock

“So what do I do?” Tinkletoes asks.

Knock...knock...knock

“Is someone at the door?”

Knock...Knock...Knock!

“All these annoying pixies taking up space and no one can answer the damn door.” Tinkletoes says.

KNOCK...KNOCK...KNOCK!

“I'll get it.” He says looking at the mass of pissed off pixies. “At least I'll get a break from this.” Tinkletoes skirts...sorry he's a tough guy...pants his way past the crowd of pixies and answers the door.

“Hi.” Monitor Man says smiling.

Tinkletoes slams the door and stands with his back to it. “Speak of the devil. The bear is at the door.” He mutters. “I knew I should have left that barbed wire up.”

“Who is it?” Dobby asks.

Tinkletoes doesn't answer.

Carp enters the living room, “Well...?”

Nothing.

“You are acting strange today.” Carp walks around Tinkletoes and looks through the glass. “It looks like things just got a lot more interesting.” The assassin squeals with delight running around Tinkletoes and Dobby to throw open the front door. “HI!” Carp says. “Come on in!” He says grabbing Monitor Man by the arm and pulling. “It's cold outside but it's warm in here. Can I take your coat? Your shirt?”

Monitor Man slowly removes his coat. “Thank you. I'd like to keep wearing the rest of my clothes.”

He says.

“Suit yourself.” Carp says. “If you change your mind...” He says heading out of the room.

“Yeah.”

Carp stops in the hall and takes in a deep sniff of Monitor Man's coat before disappearing into Writer Lady's bedroom.

“Was he just smelling my coat?” Monitor Man asks Dobby.

The ginger tabby coughs uncomfortably. “TP put him under a spell. He has to sniff things like a dog would.”

“Watch out for your crotch.” Tinkletoes says with a wry grin.

Monitor Man shifts uncomfortably.

Tinkletoes' Platform

“You don't enlist.  You have to be elected.”  Carp says.

“I've always stood out among the competition.  This shouldn't be too hard.” Tinkletoes says.

“There are nearly twenty other candidates currently running for President.” Carp points out.

“Less than twenty huh?  Light competition.  You keep acting like this is gonna be hard or something.”

“You have to be chosen by a majority of your peers.”  Peter adds.

“I got along with everyone in my company.  I'll have no trouble getting elected.”

“He doesn't understand.”  Dylan says looking at TP.

TP spins midair and in a swirl of activity does a costume change.  The faerie appears in powdered wig, bleached shirt, waistcoat, frock coat and breeches as worn during colonial times.  TP clasps his hands behind him and begins the lesson.

“There has been a President of the United States since 1789.  He is an official elected by a majority in a general election.  These are not your exact peers.  The people you are counting on to elect you to office are the registered voters of this country.  They like a candidate who is a wealthy landowner.  He also needs to look good in a powdered wig.  A...choo!”  TP sneezes into a delicate handkerchief with elegant flourish.

“In other words, it's a popularity contest.” House's words carry into the kitchen from the bonus room.  “You know like in high school.  Who were the most well known people in high school?”

“The ones with the coolest cars.”  Tinkletoes answers.

“Tell us Tinkletoes...did you have a cool car?”   She asks.

“No.”  He admits.  “I enjoyed beating the tar out of the kids who did and the kids who made fun of the kids who didn't have cool cars and the kids who made fun of the kids that didn't have cars.  The kids that had bad attitudes.  The kids that didn't observe school rules.  The kids that were rude to the teachers and the janitor.”

“It sounds like you beat everybody up.”  Carp says.

“Only the people that didn't do what I told them.  High school kids can be pretty dense.”

“Can I be the one to tell him that he has to campaign for votes?  I really want to be the one to explain the whole being nice to people thing.”  House says.

“Something you need practice with darling.”  Mural Man's answer can be heard from the other room.

“I'll practice on you anytime.”  She purrs.

Dylan looks at Dobby and rolls his eyes.  “Grown-ups.”  He says.  The ginger tabby nods in agreement.

“You sir need to become a gentleman.”  TP says.

“Didn't we already do that?”  Carp and Mural Man ask simultaneously.

“You tried.”  Tinkletoes says with a grin.  “I am motivated to get this job.   I'll tell you what, I promise to shower, shave, and shine my combat boots everyday.”

“Hmm...” TP responds pacing back and forth through the air as he ponders Tinkletoes' proposal.

“I'll wear clean cammos too.”

TP looks at Tinkletoes without answering.

“I'll clean my gun and I promise to leave the grenades at home.”

“There are no grenades when running for office.”  Dylan informs Dobby.

“Oy vey.”  Carp groans shaking his head.

“Practice.  You need practice, sir.”  TP says.

“But before he practices he needs a platform.” Carp says.

“No I don't.  The ceiling is too low in this kitchen.   I don't need anything to stand on.”

“Not a platform.  A platform.”  Dobby says.

“I'm not wearing those ridiculous shoes either.  I was born in combat boots.  Combat boots are what I wear.”

“Your platform means what your views are on the issues dummy.”  House says.

“Darling.”  Mural Man warns.

“Sorry sugar lips.  It just slipped out.”

“Slipped out completely on purpose.”  Carp sings softly.

“What is your platform going to be?”   Dylan asks.

Tinkletoes thinks for a moment and says,  “That's simple.  Do what I say.   I have all the guns.”

“You need more than that sir.”  Founding Father TP says.

“Yes what about your stance on the issues?”  Carp asks.

“Stance?”  Tinkletoes repeats.

“You have to convince people that you are going to run the country in their best interests.”

“Why?”

“No one is going to vote someone into office that they know is going to make decisions that will affect them negatively.”   Carp explains.

“I'm running for President.  What I say goes.”

“He doesn't get it.”   Dylan says.

“How about this...what are your philosophies regarding the current issues in this country?”  Carp asks.

“Everyone is going to do what I tell them.  There won't be any issues.”

“Gun control.”  Carp says.

“I'll have all the guns.”

Everyone looks at Tinkletoes hoping for something better.

“Okay...the police and the military can keep their guns but they can only use them at work.”

“What about all of the private citizens that currently own firearms?”

“I'm taking those away.”

Light dims in the room then brightens.  Every open space has been filled with pixies.  Pixies with microphones, recording devices, and cameras of every sort in hand.  A voice squeals, “Over here Mr. Tinkletoes” and when Tinkletoes looks up a flash goes off from a vintage camera blinding him for a moment.

“What about the Constitution?”  One pixie asks.

“Don't you think questions about my health are a little bit personal?”  Tinkletoes asks.

“A citizen's right to bear arms.”  A second pixie prompts.

“I don't care what people wear.  If they want to go sleeveless it's fine by me.”  He says proudly.

“How do you feel about immigration?”  Another pixie asks.

Tinkletoes leans over and asks Dobby “What are they talking about?”

“What is your plan should aliens arrive at our borders.”   House whispers baiting Tinkletoes.

“All aliens will be shot on sight.”   Tinkletoes announces with a smile.

There is an uproar, all the pixies start chattering at once.

Tinkletoes feels a tug on his pant leg.  The self-proclaimed mercenary looks down.  “Make sure they know you're talking about space aliens.”

“Who'd they think I was talking about?”

Tinkletoes' New Mission

“Everything all right in here?”  Tinkletoes asks calling just inside the doorway.

Writer Lady turns to look at him, “Everything is fine” she answers and turns back smiling at Mural Man and House.

Tinkletoes looks in the same direction.   “Hi” he says looking at Mural Man.

“Hi.”  Mural Man says pulling back from House.  He steps to her side and holds her close.

“Making up for lost time, huh? How long were you gone?   Ten minutes?” Tinkletoes asks.

“About that.”  Mural Man answers.

“Good to see you back.”

“It's good to be back.”  Mural Man answers looking at House.

“Can I have a word with you?”  Tinkletoes asks looking at Writer Lady.  She joins Tinkletoes in the laundry room.  “Are you okay?”  He asks.

“Yeah.  Why wouldn't I be?”

“I heard you talking about dead husbands, jealousy, Mural Man, there might have been something about Monitor Man being the man of your dreams.”

“How did you hear that?  You were supposed to be fixing the sink.”

“You remember earlier when I told you about the sharp eyes and keen memory? I can hear pretty good too.”

“Pretty good?”

“It's not a registered super power.  Not yet.  It will be.”

Writer Lady looks at Tinkletoes and taps her foot.  Slowly.

“I might have had Dylan listen at the door for a second.”  He admits.
“For a second?”

“Maybe a little longer.”

“How long?”

“The whole time.”  Tinkletoes answers.

“What part of 'I'm not talking girl talk in front of you' don't you understand?” Writer Lady asks.  “That conversation was private.  It wasn't meant for other ears.”

“Are you okay?”

“I'm okay.  For the record, I didn't say that Monitor Man was the man of my dreams I said that he was a man that I could only dream of being with.”

“Isn't that the same thing?”   Tinkletoes asks.

“Yes...no.   I don't know!”  Writer Lady looks around at her wet kitchen.  “This place has been drenched.  So have you.”  She leaves the room returning with a mop.   “Here!  Hold this.”  She leaves again, returning with a clean, dry towel.  “Take this!”  Writer Lady and Tinkletoes trade.  He dries off as she mops the water up off of the floor.  He studies her as she works.   “What!”  She says on her way out of the room.

“What, what?”

“You're staring at me.”  She says.

“No.   I was watching you.”

“Did I miss anything in front of the stove?”

“No.”

“Stop looking at me.  It's weird.”

Tinkletoes turns to dry off noticing his reflection in the window.  “It's the whole 'wet' look isn't it?  I'm too sexy.  You can't take it.”

There is a silence.   And then...

“You are too sexy for me.”   Writer Lady confesses, her back to Tinkletoes. “I can't take it anymore.”

She turns to face him then crosses the room quickly, a woman with a purpose and because it's not very far either.   “I don't think I can control myself any longer.” She says, handing Tinkletoes the mop. “Don't say anything.  I want to remember you just like this.”  She says and leaves the room.

Dobby enters as she is leaving.

“Females.”  Tinkletoes says.  He has draped the towel over his shoulder and is slowly mopping the floor.

“Mom is a simple woman.”

Tinkletoes looks at Dobby.

“You spied on her.  It made her mad.  She isn't going to let you have an ego building moment when she's mad.”

“So she left me holding the mop.”

“You have been temporarily demoted Commander.”

“What does a guy have to do to get promoted again?”

“Mom says that men underestimate how sexy they look while cleaning.”

Tinkletoes looks around the room, “In a self-cleaning house?”   He asks and continues mopping.   He shakes his head as he works.   “No.  I'm the man.  I have to do things my way.  She'll call me Commander on my terms.”  Tinkletoes says.  He rests the mop against the cabinet before preparing to leave the room slipping on a puddle of water and landing on his back.  He doesn't move.

“Tink?”  Dobby calls.

The kittens respond to Dobby's call running into the kitchen then down Tinkletoes' face and chest.  Spots and Smudge stop to have a wrestling match on his stomach.   The self-proclaimed mercenary does not move until they run across his most delicate parts--claws extended.  His body convulses quickly bringing Tinkletoes up to a seated position.

“Are you okay?”  Dobby asks.

“I'm okay.”

“Does he need help?”  Dylan asks.  The tow headed boy is standing in the entry, a game controller is in his hand.

“I've got it.”  He says standing up.   “And I know how to become Commander again.”

Dobby, Dylan, and the kittens look at Tinkletoes waiting for the big announcement.

“I'm going to become the Commander-In-Chief then she has to call me Commander.”

House's groan can be heard from the bonus room.  “I told you the ape would ruin it.   I knew this was coming.  I could smell the stupidity from here.”

“House darling...you are supposed to be nice.”  Mural Man says.

“Nice to you.  I have no trouble being nice to you.”  She purrs.

“What would be nice for me is if you apologized.”  Mural Man says.

“Sorry.”  House says half-heartedly(?) no it wasn't half.  It was quarter.  Quarter-heartedly.

“Silly humans doing funny things.”  TP sings flying into the kitchen.

“It's not funny.”  Tinkletoes says.

“No it's not.”  Carp says following TP.  “Do you know who the Commander-In-Chief of the United States is?”

“Whoever's at the top of the chain of command?”   He asks.

“The President.”  Carp says.

“I'm going to get that job and then Writer Lady will call me Commander again.”

“There are better ways to do this.”  Carp sings.

“She would call you Mr. President.”  Dobby says.

“Not Commander?”

“No.”

“But I would be the guy in charge?”

“Yes.”

“I'll change it to Commander when I get the job.”   Tinkletoes announces.  “Where do I enlist?”

Girl Talk

“What was that?”  Writer Lady asks.

“I don't know.”  He answers.   Tinkletoes turns to Carp.    “Did you say something?”

“No.”

Both kittens are climbing on Carp and the assassin is scratching chins and rubbing ears.  There is a smile of contentment on his face.  The “No” startles Smudge who slinks away.  Spots jumps off of Carp's boot and lays down on the floor showing his belly.

“That's no way to train soldiers Carp.”

“You gave me kittens to train not people.  Kittens.”

Writer Lady turns to watch Carp as well.  “A kitten showing its belly is a sign of trust.  It could be seen as submissive behavior.”  She says turning back to more immediate problems.

“Carry on Training Officer.”  Tinkletoes commands with a nod.

Carp does not respond.  The kittens are chasing his hand.

“Why don't you do that lady stuff with her?”  Tinkletoes asks.

“Lady stuff.  Do you mean girl talk?”

“Yeah that.”

“Go away.”   Writer Lady says.

Tinkletoes stands and looks at Writer Lady without saying anything.

“I'm not making girl talk in front of...”

“a man?”

“No.  You.  I won't do it in front of you.”

“I'm just too sexy for you.  I get you all flustered.”  Tinkletoes says grinning.

One corner of Writer Lady's lips curve up into a slight smile.

“Is that yes?”  He asks.  “Or no?”

She smiles a little bit more.

“You're not going to tell me are you?”

Writer Lady grins.  “Exactly.   Now go away.”

“What am I supposed to do alone in the dark?”

“Go.”  She turns back to House.   “House?”  She says.  “It is devastating what you are going through.   Losing the man you love.  Mural Man was here with you sharing, laughing with you um...holding you.   A man who was with you day in and day out and suddenly he's gone.  A woman feels so alone.”

“Are you trying to make me feel better?”  House asks.  “Because you aren't helping.   At all.”

“I know how it feels.  To be that sad.  That lonely.   Yearning for one more night, hour, longing to have a few precious moments back again.”

“I'm grieving here.  My grief is much deeper than yours so if you would get to the point.”

“TP says that Mural Man isn't dead.  You can get him back House you just need to love him with more...depth.”

“I am a pictorial representation of a non-living object.   I cannot grow or change.  That evil little faerie knew that when he changed Mural Man.”

“TP's obnoxious but he wouldn't do that.”  Writer Lady says.

House glares at Writer Lady.

“When you and Mural Man first started interacting I hated it.  I didn't like it that he looked so much like Monitor Man.   I hated having the constant reminder.  I guess I was a little bit jealous.  You were just a house at first and then there you are days later getting friendly with the mural of a man that I could only dream of being with.   But Mural Man isn't Monitor Man.  He's a character all his own.  I came to get to know him as the ma...mural that he really is.  You say that you are only a house but you are capable of this type of growth.  I want you to be happy.   I want Mural Man to be able to come back and for the two of you to be happy.  I want to help you do this.  Since I have loved and lost I am going say something I miss about my late husband and then you say something you miss about Mural...”

“His butt.”  House says.

“Man.”   Writer Lady finishes.   “Okay let's try this.  I'm going to say that I loved his smile.  You are going to say...”

“I love his booty.”   House responds.

“This is gonna take a while.   We all know how special Mural Man's a**...butt is.  Try something else.”  Tinkletoes calls from across the room.

“No eaves dropping.”  Writer Lady says.

“There's nothing to do.”  He counters.

“Shhh...”

“She's shushing me.  I can pick off the enemy at 1000 yards and she's shushing me.”

“I miss cuddling with him.”  Writer Lady says.   “Your turn.”

“I miss his a...eyes.  I miss his eyes.”

“See...that wasn't hard.”

“House is still stuck on his looks.   You need to keep going.”  Tinkletoes says.

Writer Lady holds up the flashlight to her face and glares at Tinkletoes.

“I know shush.”

“I miss the way we used to laugh together.”

“Mural Man's um...”  House says stumbling a bit.   She looks at the pink unicorn sticker.   “His heart.  I miss his heart.  He was so kind, caring, and understanding.”

Something rattles in the kitchen the sound of rushing water can be heard in the distance.

“Crap.”   Tinkletoes mutters.  “I hope this flashlight's waterproof.”  The mercenary says stumbling his way back to the kitchen followed by Carp and the two kittens.

“He loved me so much.   I love him.”  House says.

More rattling is heard in the bathroom and another sound of rushing water.

“His heart is so kind and sweet just like the unicorn bandage.”

“Hey!  Make her stop crying before the main lines go!”  Tinkletoes calls.

“Just let me see him.  Please?  Let me tell him that I love him.   Then I'll take my punishment.   I'll go back to being a house and Mural Man can move on to faerie like we'd always planned.”

“You will have to stop crying.”  Writer Lady says looking into House's eyes. “You are damaging your foundation.”

House quietly nods.

“Thank you!”  Is heard coming from the kitchen.

“TP can you help us with this?  TP?”  Writer Lady looks up to find the faerie floating through the air slowly.  He is sitting in a crossed legged position wearing flannel pajamas with pink kittens on them.  He is crying.

“TP.”

“One minute please.”  He says wiping his eyes and blowing his nose into a lace trimmed handkerchief.  Wiggling his fingers he quickly unfolds Mural Man.  TP blows on his own thumb and Mural Man fills out into three dimensional form.  

The lights return with the light in House's eyes.
Mural Man reaches for House's hand.  With his touch she peels away from the wall and fills out into three dimensions.

“Mur...I'm sorry.”

“For what?”   Mural Man asks.

“For being mean, shallow, spoiled, pushy, demanding...mostly for never saying 'I love you.'”

“I love you too.”  He says holding her close.

Writer Lady and TP share a tearful glance as the two lovers are reunited.

Mural Man pulls back,  “Are you sure?   I don't look the same with all of these fold lines.”

“Mural Man I love you.”  House repeats and leans in for another embrace.   “Fold lines?  How many fold lines?”

The Butt Of The Problem

Tinkletoes stops just outside the entry to the living room.  “Things are kind of cramped in here so follow my footsteps exactly or you may step on something.”

“Okay.”   Writer Lady whispers.

They start shuffling into the room.   Writer Lady matching Tinkletoes' movements shuffle for shuffle.

“Um...” She says as she touches Tinkletoes lightly on the arm.

“Yeah?”

“Shouldn't you use the flashlight to check the floor?  That way we'll know where everyone is and we won't step on them.”

“No.  I was just in here.  I remember where everything and everyone is.   I'm a mercenary.  Mercenaries have sharp eyes and keen memories.”

“You're holding a flashlight, shouldn't you use it?  It will help prevent an accident.”

Tinkletoes turns around to face Writer Lady pointing to himself he says, “Mercenary.  Sharp eyes.  Keen memory.  I've got this.”   He turns and walks this time with the confident gait of a well trained soldier, slipping in the dark and landing on his butt.

Writer Lady turns on the flashlight and shines it around the room.  She and Tinkletoes find that all of the room's occupants are well away from them and crowded on the couch.  Tinkletoes' foot has once again found its way on to the pizza box.

“I thought I told everyone to stay put.”  He says.

“You didn't.”  Dylan says.

“You said that if we got stepped on that it was our fault.”  Peter says.

“Why didn't you move the pizza box?”  Tinkletoes asks.

“Oops,”  Dylan says.   “I forgot.”

“I was gone for five minutes.”

“These things happen?”

“Come and get this box so Writer Lady and I can get to the bottom of things.”

The two boys look at each other and laugh.

Tinkletoes stands up.  “Let's get going.”  He says and they continue through the kitchen and into the laundry room.

“Are you okay?”  Writer Lady whispers once they are out of earshot.

Tinkletoes takes the flashlight from her and holds it up to his face so she can see his glare.

“You hit the floor pretty hard.”  She says.

He turns around, holding the light in front of him and continues into the bonus room without a word.  They find Carp sitting on the floor patiently waiting for the lights to return.  Each kitten has taken a position on either side of him.

“You evil little faerie.”  House screams looking at TP.

“Call me names all you want Paper Lady.  You can't hurt me.”  He says.

“Flutter close to an electrical outlet and say that.”  House says challenging TP.

“What's going on here?”  Writer Lady asks stepping past Tinkletoes and facing House.

“He's killed him.”  House yells gesturing to the wall next to and above her.  “My own sweet love is gone forever.”

“Is that Mural Man?”  Writer Lady asks peering at the sparkling pink unicorn bandage stuck to the wall.

“Yes it is.”   TP says.

“And you are dressed as a doctor...”   Writer Lady says to TP.

“So I could fix them.”   TP says.  “You're welcome.  Here's your bill.”

Writer Lady takes a bill from TP and reads it.  “Tinkletoes, this is for you.”  She says holding up Dr. TP's bill.   He accepts the bill, reads it, and tears it up.

“I am the doctor.”  TP says.  “You must pay.”

“No one here has a million dollars and turning Mural Man into a bandage is pretty shoddy work if you ask me.  If you want to charge these prices Doc you need to be pickier when choosing your patients.”

“Her cure and his cure are intertwined.”  Dr. TP says.

“Make him fix it.”  House cries.

Tinkletoes looks at Carp, steps over to where he is, squats down and gets brought up to speed.

Writer Lady looks at Dr. TP,  at the sticker,  at House,  then back at Dr. TP.  “She's so upset.  Can't you just bring him back?”  She asks.

“Dr. TP will bring him back when House behaves.”  The faerie says.

“I miss him so much.”  House cries.   “I need to see him.  Please?   Just a glimpse, to keep his memory alive.”

The faerie rolls his eyes.

Writer Lady finds a piece of a crayon and draws an outline of Mural Man's posterior on the wall around the sparkling unicorn sticker.  She looks at House hoping to see that she has calmed down.

“He was a little bit wider than that.”  House says.

Writer Lady adjusts the drawing.

“Wider.”  House says.

She adjusts the outline again.

“Can you make the cheeks look...fuller?” House asks.

There are more adjustments.

“Could you put a little shading just below the right cheek?  It will look more real that way.”
After complying, Writer Lady steps back from the wall to inspect her work.

House's lips turn up slightly to show her approval.  “Mur...what have they done to you my darling?”

“What the...”  Tinkletoes says joining Writer Lady in front of the wall.  “It looks like the Headless Horseman was attacked by a band of renegade toddlers.”

“Mur...if you hadn't have died so young.”  House croaks.

Writer Lady looks at Tinkletoes sadly.

“He's not dead.”  He tells her.

She continues looking at Mural Man's...mural(?) sniffling a little.

“He's not dead.”  Tinkletoes repeats.

“What?”   She asks.

“He's not dead.”  He says a third time.  “Dr. TP told House that when she proves that she can love Mural Man regardless of his physical attributes he can come back.   Why is she grieving?”

Writer Lady slowly turns her head and looks up at Tinkletoes.

“You're a girl.  You're supposed to know why another girl is carrying on.”  He says.

“You mean like we instinctively know how to wear make-up?”  She asks.

“Yeah.”

Writer Lady looks at Tinkletoes without speaking.

“How did you know how to wear those funny brown things you wear on your legs?”

“Pantyhose?”

“Yeah.”

“During high school all of the girls got together and decided that it would be fun to strangle our boyfriends until they passed out and tell them that aliens attacked and did anal probes on them.  We didn't know how to carry the weapon with us without there being questions.   We decided to wear them.”

“If you don't know all you have to do is say so.”  Tinkletoes says.

“I don't know.”

“Okay.”

“Did you still want to catch a movie this weekend?”  Writer Lady asks.

“We still haven't gone on that date yet have we?”

“No.”

“Maybe we should wait.”  Tinkletoes says.   “Get this business cleared up first.”

“Is a big guy like you scared of a fragile little woman like me?”

“No.”  He answers.  “It won't hurt to wait until I've burned all of your hose.” He mutters. 

This May Be A Focusing Issue...Or Marketing

I am a Storyteller.  This is my purpose.  To communicate to my fellow humans that they are not alone.  Helping the human race to re-discover the things that lightens ones load [not loosens because that would be a laxative] with amazing stories, tall tales, the magic in everyday things, and the humor in us all. [Looks around for humor, stands up, checks seat, looks under both feet, sniffs at pits]  It looks like I lost mine, this is awkward.

Find out what you love and what the world needs then combine them.

I love writing.   What does the world need?  The world needs to laugh.

I have been telling tall tales since I was potty trained, writing since I was a teenager (usually long sweeping monologues of tragedy that only a young girl can communicate or writing myself into my favorite television shows).  Eventually I started creating some things that were more solid: a humorous blog, a children's book, a cozy mystery with a few laughs.  When I found myself without a job for the first time in nearly a decade it was both a dream come true and a horrifying nightmare.  Everything I read said "Get out there!  Fulfill your dreams!  Do what you love!  You can do it!  Learn some new skills, focus, and you're on your way.”  I'm all about doing what I love.  I have been looking for that for several years now.  I was ready to jump into my dream job.   I still am.   Just so you know.  Given the current situation it seemed like it was the optimal time to venture forth into to new territories, push beyond my personal boundaries, do something I never thought possible and start doing work I would love.  Unfortunately...reality.  Yeah that.

I discovered that there is more to transitioning into a new line of work than saying “Look. I'm here!” and waving enthusiastically.   In my opinion, when it comes to making a big change if you know exactly what you are looking for, exactly where you want to do it, and you have a knack for networking you'll do okay.

Now for the rest of us...me for example.   Because I'm here and I know myself.   I like to think I know myself.  How well do we really know ourselves?  I'm confused.   Oh yeah...it's okay I know where I'm going with this.   I'm fairly sure I know where I'm going with this.

   I love writing.   I told you I knew where I was going with this.  Gold star for me!  Writing and I have had a lifelong "on again off again" relationship.  In recent years I have been doing it daily.   You know, writing?  It's great.  I feel like a kid in a candy store.   I want to try everything.  It's like making mud pies.   Wait...did I just go from candy to making mud pies?  That's a little bit weird.   [Looks at coffee mug, lifts cup, peers at bottom, sniffs, shakes head, puts cup down]  I want to explore as many types as possible.  Find out what I'm best at,  what energizes me, what I get the most satisfaction from.  Do I like a sprinkling of sand in my mud?  Do I like marbles on the pie or toy car tracks?  A piece of a straw.  Lots of pieces of straws.  A straw city...white and plastic with striped buildings butted up against each other.  There is nothing like writing, telling tall tales, and sharing engrossing stories.  I want to find ways to make people laugh, forget their troubles for a time, and reassure them that they are not alone.  I truly love it.

So do a lot of other people.  It seems like the world is brimming over with written content these days.

How does one get noticed?  I seriously cannot tell you.  I'm supposed to be sharing my wisdom aren't I?   This is awkward.

Since I'm the only one financing my adventure through life and although I am always writing I looked into other areas of employment as well.  Oh my goodness.

With the expansion of the Internet comes not only companies that are largely Internet based but there are entire areas of skill within that industry that did not exist before.  I knew that things had expanded but damn.  Similar jobs have different requirements.  Are there core skills needed that apply to most of these jobs?  I haven't found the master list.  I think they might be hiding it from me. They totally are, aren't they?

Job listings are confusing.   Have you noticed that?   It seems like they tell you everything or nothing.   I have to say that I love reading the ads for jobs in entertainment.   I do it when I need a break, some days there are lots of them. Especially on Fridays but sometimes on Tuesday because well...Monday.   They're so much fun.   It's hard not to apply for some of these jobs regardless of the fact that I wouldn't begin to know how to do them because I want to participate so much.  Is it okay to apply for something and add a note saying, "I wasn't serious but I had a lot of fun participating.  Have a nice day."?  (If you have to write a job ad look to Hollywood.  I don't know if they're getting results but some of these people sure are having fun.)

It really feels like "anything goes" when it comes to finding work now especially in the interview department.   I have had panel interviews for part time work (people tell me that this is normal but I'm not buying it).   I have gone in for interviews during which there was no interview only testing.   Logic testing, personality testing, etc...  Interviews where no one in the office could agree on what skills were needed for a job.   In that case one person liked me and the other one showed me the door as quickly and efficiently as possible.

If I can tell you anything about job hunting I can tell you this.   It is a personal journey.  One that has yet to end for me.  It may never end.  I hope it ends quickly for you.   You know, the job hunt, so you can message me and tell me where to go.  Wait a second...that didn't come out right.  I will keep writing, keep learning new skills, keep dreaming, keep cyber stalking (Not Stalking, politely watching from an appropriate distance because boundaries are good) Nerdist.com, Geek and Sundry, and Funny or Die among others (you know who you are) hoping to leave some samples (writing samples not the other kind because that would be awkward for everyone).  There are magazines on the list and other stuff too (I have a novel that needs a publisher btw) because if I was only looking at those three that would be weird.   Isn't stalking composed of fixating on one thing?  I'm confused.   Anyway, eventually someone is going to need a...um...um...me? Sooner or later someone is going to need me.  I will be here.  Or there.   Or online or...where was I going with this?  [Scratches head]   Let me look at the first sentence.  I am a storyteller.  Okay, maybe if I start at the beginning.  Once upon a time... Wait, has that phrase been copyrighted now?  This is awkward.