Facepalm

“No way. There is no way I will put on a dress.” Carp says pacing Writer Lady's living room floor.

“But you're more in touch with your feminine side. The old man is so distraught he might actually buy it.”

“I'm not helping. If you want to get permission like this you're going to have to put on the dress yourself.” Carp argues.

“If I put on the dress it's just not gonna look right. Women just don't have biceps like these.” Tinkletoes says, flexing a well sculpted arm.

TP's giggling can be heard in the background. “I will help you. I know a trick.” He says. The giggling continues.

“Now you're helping?” Carp asks glaring at TP. “Writer Lady asked you to supervise. You can't help.”

“Technically, Mom said TP was supposed to make sure Tinkletoes actually got permission from the neighbors and the signatures. She didn't leave specific guidelines.” Dobby says.

“Yeah! What he said.” Tinkletoes says with a big grin.

“She said that TP has permission to “use magic to stop you if you try to pull a fast one.” Carp reminds them.

“Mom didn't say anything about using magic to help.” Dobby points out.

“No she didn't!” Tinkletoes says pointing to Dobby. “That's if I try to pull a fast one. Dressing up, breaking in, finding the right place to wait, convincing Mr. Donut to do what I ask because I'm the ghost of his dead wife. I have to say, this crap is taking forever. I'm definitely not pulling a fast one.”

Carp raises his hand to his forehead, slowly runs his hand down his face, and begins to mutter. “I speak English, everyone hears English, yet no one is listening. Absolutely no one is listening.” Raising his head and looking back up at Tinkletoes he says, “What if someone sees you breaking in? What if they call the police?”

“It's the Fourth of July. Smelts is on duty. He won't arrest me. I'm a lot bigger than he is and besides I'm a lot smarter than he is.”

TP giggles.

“I don't know what's scarier about that. The fact that you can outsmart Smelts or the fact the this town finds it in their best interest to give Smelts a gun. I think it's time to move.”

TP is still giggling.

“You know something Carp? You were a lot more supportive of this idea yesterday.” Tinkletoes points out.

“You weren't talking about breaking and entering yesterday.” Carp answers.

“You have a lot to learn if you're going to be any kind of assassin.”

“Nope. I've got it all figured out. Don't do anything illegal and you won't get caught.”

“Assassins kill people. Killing is illegal.” Tinkletoes points out.

“I've found a way around that. I've decided since I always miss anyway, I'm going to use it to my advantage.” Carp answers proudly. “I'm going to attach a note to my arrow—when the target reads my note it will say: This has been a botched attempt on your life. Clean up your act. Don't make me come back here.”

“So instead of just neutralizing the target and collecting your money, you're going to stalk someone, attack them, and leave a traceable death threat?” Tinkletoes asks.

“It's possible this plan needs a little bit more work.”

Tinkletoes raises his hand to his head and runs it down the length of his face.

“I'll pretend I didn't hear that. Now put on the dress.” Tinkletoes says pointing to a full length flowered dress on a hanger that is floating in the air next to TP.

“I told you before. If you want to deceive that poor old man do it yourself.”

“I've had enough of your arguing Carp. Be a man and put on the stinkin' dress!”

TP looks at the dress he made materialize a few minutes before. Leaning in he sniffs. TP looks down at Dobby. The ginger tabby makes his way to the dress. Standing on his back legs, Dobby climbs up the skirt of the dress as far as he can without losing his balance. Sitting back down and looking up at TP, Dobby shakes his head confirming the dress smells fine.

“You have issues Carp. Some serious issues.” Tinkletoes yells, walking to the bathroom, taking the dress with him as he passes by it.

Tinkletoes' Troubles

“You keep thinking about this.” Carp says, leading Tinkletoes back to the front steps. “Sit down. You don't want to tire yourself. You have a big enough challenge ahead.”

“You spent way too much time in Writer Lady's head during the war. We haven't yanked all of her snarkiness out of you yet.” Tinkletoes says sitting down on the top step. “I do think better when I'm sitting down though.”

Another entrance door opens and shuts. Within minutes Writer Lady is backing out of the driveway, she rolls down the window, “Bye. Have fun today!” She calls smiling.

Carp waves and smiles as she drives away.

“I don't care what TP or anyone else says. That woman has a mean streak.” Tinkletoes says.

“I think it's you. I think you bring the obnoxious out.” Carp says.

“Me?” Tinkletoes asks. “I'm a teddy bear. Completely lovable.”

“How many teddy bears have their own flame throwers exactly?” Carp asks.

“You talk entirely too much these days.” Tinkletoes says glaring at Carp.

“Any ideas yet, Einstein?”

“I'm working on it.” Tinkletoes says resting his chin on his hand, focusing on the step between his feet, concentrating.

A shuffling noise is heard on the gravel driveway two houses down.

“There's Mr. Morely with his garbage. Right on time. He never remembers the holidays.” Carp says. He looks down at Tinkletoes who is lost in thought. “He's on your list too. I think I'll go help him take his trash back to the house so it doesn't catch fire today.”

“How about if we ignore the list and offer TP something to lie and tell Writer Lady we got all of the signatures? Can't we just do that?” Tinkletoes says. No response. “Carp?” Tinkletoes calls after looking up and discovering he is alone. Scanning the perimeter, Tinkletoes finds Carp deep in conversation with one of the neighbors. Carp looks at Tinkletoes. Smiling he looks back at the old man, shakes his hand and returns to Writer Lady's front steps.

“Who were you talking to?” Tinkletoes asks.

“That was Mr. Morely. He's on your list. I helped him put his trash can away, he forgot that today was the Fourth of July. I told him about the shooting range and your problem; having to get permission from so many of the neighbors. He says that Mr. Donut is who you should talk to. If you can get Mr. Donut to say 'yes' almost everyone else on this list will agree too. Mr. Morely looked at the list and all of your potential opponents are on vacation this weekend. Not even home. Which lowers the number to twelve households.”

“Where does Mr. Donut live?”

“Right across the street.” Carp says. “We need to be really nice to him, Mr. Morely said his wife died a couple of years ago and he's still sensitive about it.”

“Okay.” Tinkletoes says.

“No yelling. No bullying.”

“Got it.”

“Don't get in his face either. He's 94.

“I understand.”

“Don't forget...” Carp begins.

Tinkletoes glares at Carp. “I won't. What's his name?”

“Mr. Donut. Duncan Donut.”

Tinkletoes and Carp make their way across Writer Lady's front yard and on to the street.

“I'm not sure I can call him that without laughing. Does he have a nickname?”

“Sweets?”

Tinkletoes stops walking. He looks at Mr. Donut's house.

“We don't have to do this today. Appointments will be opening back up at the gun club next weekend.”

Tinkletoes looks at Writer Lady's house then looks at Carp. “I am a mercenary. A veteran of several tours of duty in the Middle East. The man who made winning the Ninja Zombie War possible. I am not going to let a 127 pound smart ass of a woman beat me. Not today. Not any day. No matter what.” He says continuing across the street to Mr. Donut's front door. Tinkletoes rings the doorbell just as Carp reaches the front door.

Nothing happens. Fifteen minutes later Carp's polite knocking has been replaced by Tinkletoes' banging on the door. Thumps rattling windows. Window boxes of flowers shaking with the vibrations.

“I'm going to look in a window. Maybe he's not home.” Carp says tiptoeing away.

Nodding Tinkletoes continues his assault on the door.

“You can stop knocking.” Carp says returning from the far side of the house. “I found Mr. Donut in the bedroom. He's sitting on the bed looking at old movies of wife and crying. There's no way he's going to talk to us today. Poor man.”

“He'll talk to me today. You're making things sound worse than they are. Let me see what's going on.” Tinkletoes says following Carp around to the back of the house. Both men keep their heads low and look into the bedroom window.

An old man lies on his bed in a fetal position watching home movies on his VCR. He is weeping uncontrollably.

Tinkletoes and Carp sink down turning and sitting with their backs against the wall.

“You weren't exaggerating. That man is in a bad way right now.” Tinkletoes admits. “He'll never answer the door much less talk to us.”

“What do you want to do?” Carp asks.

Turning around, Tinkletoes peeks into the bedroom window. “That's okay.” Tinkletoes whispers returning to his seat against the wall, “I have an idea of who he will talk to.”

Anything She Wants

“Anything you want.” Tinkletoes says.

“I can't believe he said that.” Dobby says running his paw down his face.

“Silly human.” TP's giggle can be heard throughout the room.

“Foolish, foolish man.” Carp adds.

“Anything?” Writer Lady asks again.

“Anything.” Tinkletoes verifies, looking into Writer Lady's eyes.

“Okay.” Writer Lady's eyes change a little. The wheels are turning in her mind, brain cells are working at full capacity. “What I want is...for you to go to each of my neighbors individually and get their permission to set up your little shooting range for the day.”

“Done.” Tinkletoes says.

“In writing.” Writer Lady leaves the room returning from High Command with a clipboard, legal pad and pen. She scribbles a couple of sentences on the page as well as names and addresses of the neighbors he needs permission from. “Here you go.” Writer Lady says handing Tinkletoes his supplies.

“There are a dozen houses on this list.” Tinkletoes says.

“Really?” Writer Lady asks. Taking the clipboard she scribbles again handing it back to Tinkletoes. “I added a couple more because most of your weapons are military grade and probably have greater range.”

“Twenty?”

“All twenty neighbors.” Writer Lady confirms.

“There won't be any time to shoot.”

Writer Lady's lips curve up into a sly smile.

“What if a neighbor is out of town?” Tinkletoes asks.

“They can be scratched off the list. I'm putting TP in charge of making sure my instructions are followed. He can use magic to stop you if you try to pull a fast one.” Writer Lady looks at the clock on the wall. “Will you look at the time? Eight-thirty already, it's getting late. If you get started now you might still get a couple of hours play time squeezed in tonight. You'd better hurry.” Writer Lady opens the front door for Tinkletoes and Carp. “Don't worry about the hour most of my neighbors are early risers.”

“You mean they're old.” Tinkletoes mutters. “A bunch of old farts. Why did you pick this neighborhood anyway?”

“It's quiet, which is great for writing and there is always someone looking out for the house.” Writer Lady answers pushing the two men out the door. “Have fun.” She calls cheerfully closing the door behind her.

“What just happened?” Tinkletoes asks.

TP appears in front of Tinkletoes and Carp wearing a tailored British suit and wool cap. The faerie is holding a pipe that looks like it might have belonged to Sherlock Holmes. “You have been outwitted my good man.” TP says speaking like a well cultured Englishman. “Outwitted com-plete-ly.” TP lets out a giggle and disappears in a tiny puff of smoke.

Carp glares at Tinkletoes. “You gave her carte blanche. What did you think was going to happen? Did you think that looking into her eyes and telling her she could have anything she wants would melt her into a puddle of goo, making her incapable of asking for anything?”

Thinking for a minute Tinkletoes says, “Well, yeah. It works on Mom all the time.”

“It didn't work this time did it?” Carp asks.

“I was so sure it would too. Writer Lady is a lot like my mom. Same short temper, same glare, same snarky comments.” Tinkletoes says. With a quick snap of his fingers he continues, “I'll bet it's because she doesn't have kids. That maternal instinct hasn't kicked in yet.”

“Isn't it possible that approach works with your Mom only because she gave birth to you?” Carp asks.

“No. Women love me. I can't get them to leave me alone.”

“Then why is it you never corrected the miscommunication of last winter? Why haven't you told anyone Writer Lady is not your girlfriend? Why do you always end up over here during your spare time...playing with her cat? Isn't this cramping your style? Isn't it time you got your own cat?”

Tinkletoes glares at Carp. “You know something? Ever since all that Ninja Zombie War business you've gotten real talkative. It's annoying.” Tinkletoes says walking down the stairs.

Carp follows. Before Carp can begin his trek across the front lawn Tinkletoes puts out an arm to stop him.

“There has to be a better way to do this.” Tinkletoes says.

“TP is watching. We have to do this her way.”

“The neighbors are never going to say yes.”

“Which is why she made this agreement.” Carp points out.

“Look at this list. They are all old people.”

“What's wrong with old people? Do you have a problem with them?”

“They don't have an open mind. You have to write things really big or yell just to talk to them. They always say 'no'. Even if you just want another cookie.”

“Your grandparents were tough on you?” Carp asks.

“You have no idea.” Tinkletoes admits lowering his arm.

Shaking his head Carp takes a step forward, before another step is made Tinkletoes' arm is blocking his path again.

“They're old people! This is perfect.” Tinkletoes says. “I know exactly how to get around this. We are going to wait until Writer Lady leaves the house. Then we are going start at the top of her list, go to each and every house, you knock on the door. When they answer you talk to them and try to get their signatures. While you're doing that I'll sneak into the house, take their glasses, binoculars and hearing aids. They won't be able to see or hear a thing. We can shoot all we want. There won't be single complaint.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“You can't do that. They're old people.”

“If they can't see anything it won't bother them.” Tinkletoes argues.

“If they can't see anything they may fall. If they can't see anything and one of us misses they won't duck either.” Carp counters.

“Oh. I didn't think of that. Clearly the plan needs work.” Tinkletoes admits.

“Clearly.”

“What if we just took their hearing aids?”

“Not all of them are going to be hard of hearing.” Carp points out.

“Really?”

Carp shakes his head.

“Damn.”

The Men Return

“I don't know where to start.” Dobby says.

“Begin at the beginning.” Writer Lady answers.

“You were there.” Dobby says.

“Let's revisit the beginning and then you can tell me what happened after I left the house. Okay?”

“Okay.”

“It started early this morning.” Writer Lady says.

Dobby nods.

“With the knock at the door.”

“Yes. It was Tinkletoes and Carp.” Writer Lady continues.

Dobby nods.

“Dobby kitty do we have to do it like this? If I have to pry every little detail out of your furry butt this is going to take forever.”

“Patience Mom.”

“I'm patient.”

Dobby just stares at Writer Lady.

“I am!”

Dobby keeps staring.

Writer Lady thinks for a minute. Thinks for another minute. Bites her lip. Looks around the room. “Do you remember that time when... no...I guess I wasn't that patient then. What about? Okay maybe not that time either. I know I have been patient at least once.”

“I love you Mom but we don't have that kind of time.”

“Tinkletoes and Carp were at the door. They were knocking which was weird.”

 

Knock. Knock. THUMP!

“Who is it Mom?” Dobby asks following Writer Lady to the front door.

“It's Tinkletoes and Carp.” Writer Lady looks toward the bonus room. The door is closed between it and the rest of the house. “What should I do?” She asks.

“Answer it.”

“What about Carp? What if he sees...you know.”

“Relax Mom he won't. Tinkletoes has been working with him. He will never notice Mural Man.”

“Even though...he's just got the loin cloth?”

“It will be fine Mom.”

“But the mural isn't wearing many clothes.”

“It will be fine.”

“He's basically naked.” Writer Lady continues.

“He's not completely naked. It will be fine.”

The banging continues.

“Say something Mom.”

“Com-ing!” She calls out.

“Just relax and open the door.”

Writer Lady looks at Dobby nervously.

“Re-lax and open the door.”

Taking a deep breath Writer Lady says, “Maybe I should pee first.”

Dobby stares.

“This is stressful.”

“Mom...open the door.”

Writer Lady opens the door for Carp and Tinkletoes. Entering, the mercenary and the assassin in training look surprisingly clean.

“Dobby. My cat.” Tinkletoes says.

“What's up?” Dobby asks.

“How was survivalist camp?” Writer Lady asks.

Tinkletoes looks at Carp who is standing at attention, staring straight ahead. “You know. Survivally.” He answers.

“I wish I could have gone.” Dobby says.

“Dobby I told you before you're a housecat. Besides whenever someone opens a door to outside you run into the closet.”

“He's working on that. It's a little post traumatic stress.” Tinkletoes says.

“From what?”

“From before.” Dobby says.

“Before?” Writer Lady asks.

“Don't blame yourself. Those first 8 weeks were really stressful.” Tinkletoes says.

“What!”

“Sorry Writer Lady. But there is no time to talk about that now.”

Writer Lady glares at Tinkletoes.

“I'm...Carp and I are here so early...We want to ask a favor.”

“No. No. NO.”

Tinkletoes nods.

“You cannot do that here. There is no way you are doing that in my yard.”

“It's only for today and tonight. You're always busy.” Tinkletoes says.

“It's Saturday night. It's blog night. I'm at home every Saturday night and you know it.”

“That's not my fault is it.” Tinkletoes says.

Writer Lady glares.

“You wouldn't be spending your Saturday nights at home if you had listened to me, Wench.” Carp says between his teeth. “All you had to do was kiss him.”

Writer Lady fumes.

“Regardless of anything else that may or may not be happening in my life right now, I will not let you set up a shooting range in my backyard. It's loud. It's dangerous. You'll damage my sheds and it's illegal.”

“The cops are fine with it. I checked with Smelts last night. It's the Fourth of July. No one will notice. I am a professional. Carp is almost as good as I am. Your sheds are just old.”

“No.”

“No. That's it?” Tinkletoes says.

“That's it.” Writer Lady answers.

“That's your final word?”

“That is my final word.”

“I don't want to have to do this but you leave me no choice. Ninja Zombie War. You owe me.” Tinkletoes says.

“'Cuse Me? You're pulling the war card? Now?”

Tinkletoes leans against the wall crossing his ankles and then his arms with a smug grin. “Now.” He says.

“You...”

“Mom?”

Writer Lady looks down at Dobby.

“Mom why don't you let him have this one?”

She shakes her head.

“Let him have this one on the condition he can't use the Ninja Zombie War ever again.”

Writer Lady stops shaking her head and keeps listening.

"If I say "yes".   What else do I get?” She asks.