I'm Missin' Your Support Hose

“How long is this gonna take?” Tinkletoes asks after the first thirty minutes.

“I don't know.” Carp says. “I think he said something about having a guitar stand in every room of the house.”

Mr. Donut shuffles past them without a word on his way to the bathroom. Going inside he shuts the door behind him.

“Here's our chance. Let's split.” Tinkletoes says.

“Eureka!” Mr. Donut calls.

“See.” Tinkletoes says, “Now we're gonna have to listen to stories about his bowels and shit.”

“Is it necessary to repeat yourself?” Carp says.

“Huh?”

Mr. Donut opens the bathroom door. “Eureka! I found my guitar. This was the last place I was playing it.”

“You mean you play guitar while you're...” Tinkletoes asks.

“I'm 94. Some things take a while.” Mr. Donut says shuffling into the bedroom. He is carrying a shiny ebony guitar with a customized black leather strap that says 'Sweets' on it. Reaching into the hollow of the guitar he pulls out a small stack of papers. “This is it. A culmination of 70 years work. This has been brewing since I was fourteen years old and I got my first secondhand guitar. I remember the first time I heard “Too Late To Worry Too Blue To Cry”. I knew country music was a part of me. I was meant for it like it was meant for me.” He slowly hands his treasures to Carp, who carefully accepts them. As Carp and Tinkletoes read over the paperwork Mr. Donut keeps talking about his work. “I have never had the lyrics come together like this before. I have six songs so far. How long are records these days?” He asks. “I've never heard anything like my songs on the radio either. I think I might have something here.”

Carp and Tinkletoes read the list. Their faces go from shock, to surprise, to stifled laughter and back again.

“Are you having trouble reading it? I have trouble writing things down clearly sometimes.” Mr. Donut asks.

“No we, we can read it.” Carp says.

“You have to read it out loud sometimes in order to get the full affect.” Mr. Donut says.

“That's a good idea.” Tinkletoes says. “Why don't you read it out loud Carp?”

“I don't think...”

“Read it. Out Loud.” Tinkletoes repeats.

“Okay.” Carp says, paling a little. “Let's see what we have here. “1. Sweet Rainbow Sprinkles. 2. She Couldn't Be Crueller. 3. Donut Man. 4. I Miss The Rustle Of Your Depends 5. I Wear Your Cold Cream To Bed.” and “6. I'm Missin' Your Support Hose.”

“Support Hose is the one I'm the proudest of. Let me play that for you first.” Mr. Donut says bowing his head and adjusting the strings on his guitar.

Tinkletoes' face turns red with stifled laughter.

Carp glares at Tinkletoes.

“It's his best song Carp. Let Sweets play it for you.” Tinkletoes says leaning in to Carp. Tinkletoes turns his head away to stifle his laughter. Unable to contain himself he gets to the bathroom just as the intro starts.

“I'm missin' your support hose...and it's givin' me the blues.” Mr. Donuts sings. He plays the guitar skillfully, closing his eyes when he sings, letting the notes pour out. “Since you told me you was leavin', I've been feelin' so confused. You left me oh so lonely. I don't even have any ice cubes.”

Carp runs his hand down his face and covers his mouth.

“I'm missin' your support hose and it's givin' me the blues.”

“Okay now. Big finish.” Mr. Donut says. He brings the song to it's conclusion loudly and with great flourish waiting for applause.

Carp applauds and smiles painfully.

“So what do you think? Wait...before you say anything I want you to know I come from a tougher generation. Be honest. I can take it.” Mr. Donut says.

“Your sound is completely unique. I have never heard anything like it.”

Tinkletoes comes out of the bathroom. “You hope to never hear anything like it. Ever again.” He whispers as he passes Carp.

“What did you think?” Mr. Donut asks Tinkletoes.

“Well...um...” Tinkletoes says looking at the ceiling.

“Yes?”

“What's up with the ice cubes?” Tinkletoes asks.

Mr. Donut laughs for a moment, “Is he serious?” he says looking at Carp.

Carp laughs in agreement.

“The ice cubes are a metaphor for Mrs. Donut's passionate loving care. It was one of the things that made her the best wife of our generation. Ice cubes. Her ice cubes were never stale. For 64 years, I had scotch on the rocks every night when I got home from work. For 45 years, if we were dining at home, the ice in that drink was always fresh. Trust me a man can tell when he gets stale ice. She loved me that much. To make the extra effort every day to make sure I had fresh ice. That is the mark of a quality wife.”

“Really? I thought you knew a good woman because she would actually...”

Carp stands up and smacks Tinkletoes on the back of the head before he can finish his sentence.

“Have some respect.” Carp whispers.

“We're all guys.” Tinkletoes points out.

“She was some woman. She loved me with everything she had.” Mr Donut says, as his eyes tear up. “I miss her.”

“It's okay. Let it out. Let it out.” Carp says, enclosing Mr. Donut in a manly embrace.

“Put it back. Put that back now.” Tinkletoes says. He squats down and looks Mr. Donut in the eye. “It's been two years. You've probably been crying this whole time. Did it bring her back?”

Mr. Donut shakes his head.

“Of course not. Because you're a guy. Well, also because she's dead. I mean she can't come back. Guys don't do it this way. You got to take all your pain and bury it. Bury it deep. As far as you can. Then you do man things. When you're doing the man things you let the crap you buried come out and explode. It explodes right out of you like a batch of grenades. If you do it right, you've killed something.” Tinkletoes says.

“You mean like a rabbit or a deer?” Mr. Donut asks.

“Or a ninja zombie. If you're really lucky a space alien.”

“Mrs. Donut didn't approve of me hunting.” He says drying his tears.

“Mrs. Donut isn't here now is she?” Tinkletoes says grinning.

A light slowly begins to dawn at the end of both Mr. Donut and Tinkletoes' tunnels.

“No. She isn't.”

“She's dead. You can do whatever you want. You can do man things again.” Tinkletoes says.

“I can do man things again?”

“Because you're a guy.” Tinkletoes says.

“Because I'm a guy.” Mr. Donut repeats.

“No. Say it with grit this time. 'I'm a guy.'” Tinkletoes says.

“I'm a guy.”

“A little deeper man. 'I'm a guy.'”

“I'm a little deeper man. I'm a guy.” Mr. Donut says.

“It'll have to do.” Tinkletoes says. “Let Carp and me show you what you've been missing. I have guns, knives and live ammo. Let's go have some fun.”

“Um...Tink...” Carp says.

“Yeah. Just as soon as I get out of this dress.”