Duuude

“That is so wrong.”  Ray exclaims from his end of the line.  “My eyes.   Dude, this picture.”

“Bad huh?”  Tinkletoes asks.

“My eyes are burning.”

“Close the e-mail.”   Tinkletoes instructs.  “You don't want to go blind,” he says laughing to himself.

“Thanks man.”   Ray says.   “That was close.  Things were starting to go...dark. I hope I don't wake up blind tomorrow.”

“Nah, you closed it in plenty of time.”   Tinkletoes says with a grin.

“I hope so man.”   Ray says sounding worried.

A ping sounds in the background.  “Mom just popped up on Facebook, she wants to know what I think.  What do I say?”   Ray asks.

What is that thing Writer Lady says sometimes?  Tinkletoes mutters.

“Less is more?”   A voice calls from behind Tinkletoes' shoulder.

“That's it!  Less is more.   Thanks.”  Tinkletoes says to the voice, returning his attention to to the phone call.  “Ray?   Tell your mom 'less is more'.”

“Duuude.   Mom wearing any less would be a bad thing.  A really bad thing”

Tinkletoes hears Ray typing in the background.

“I told my mom she looks prettier when she has more clothes on. Mom, don't be mad, mom?  Mom?  You always told me not to use that word.  MOM?”

Tinkletoes just listens, shaking his head.  Tinkletoes' phone lights up with a text message.

Look at the picture man. Mom doesn't believe me.  Ray.

Tinkletoes looks at the picture.  The mercenary sucks in his breath.  Closing his eyes, he raises his hand to his head and pinches the bridge of his nose until his eyes tear up.

“My, that's a vivid picture.”  A voice says from behind Tinkletoes' shoulder.

“Did you look at the picture?”  Ray asks.

“Yeah, I looked.”

“What do I tell her?”

“I don't know what to tell her.  I'm a guy.  How would I know?”  Tinkletoes says.

“She's stunning.  Tell her she looks stunning.” The voice behind Tinkletoes says. Tinkletoes turns around to see Mural Man on the wall behind him.

Tinkletoes shows Mural Man the picture.   Up close.

“I know.  Tell her she's stunning but that women all over the world are going to be sending pictures just like this one.  A woman like her will stand out even more against those other women if she is more like herself.   Monitor Man is more likely to be interested in a woman that approaches him in a friendly courteous manner instead of a cheap one.”

“Seriously?”  Tinkletoes asks.

Mural Man nods.

“Since I don't have anything better.”  Tinkletoes relays Mural Man's suggestion adding something of his own. “Ray, tell your mom I said that nuns are totally sexy.”

“Duuude.  Great idea.”  Ray says typing. “Mom says, thanks for the compliment and the advice.  She also says that getting turned on by nuns sounds kind of creepy and you may want to get some help with that.”

“I didn't mean it like that.   It's supposed to make her want to put on more clothes.”

“I know man.  She didn't get it.  Thanks for helping me tonight Tinkletoes you really saved my butt.  If you ever need anything just let me know.”

“Yeah.”

“Seriously anything at all, like setting up the games so you win on gaming night, talking to you in the middle of the night when you can't sleep, bringing you cheese puffs.  Anything you need man.”

“That's why I called.  I need your help with something.”  Tinkletoes says.  No one answers.  “Ray?”  Still nothing.  “He hung up on me.  I can't believe he hung up on me.”  Tinkletoes dials Ray's number.  “Ray.”

“Dude. Long time no see.”

“Ray...it's me Tink.”

“Wow...you sound totally different than the last time we spoke.  Have you been working out?”

“We just talked Ray.   2.5 minutes ago.  I sound completely different than I did 2.5 minutes ago?”

“What can I say?  Life moves fast.”

Drawers can be heard opening and closing.

“I can't find my cheese puffs.”

“Look in the trash.”  Tinkletoes says.

“Found it.  The bag is empty.   Bummer. Wait a minute, how did you know that?” Ray asks.

“We were just on the phone with each other.”

“Okay.”

“You don't remember? We were talking about Monitor Man being single again. He wants Writer Lady.  I need you to help me hide the news clip from Writer Lady.”

“Oh yeah.”   Ray answers.  “If she found out Writer Lady would totally dump you.”

“Let's not let that happen.”   Tinkletoes says.

“I will take a look.”  Ray says, freakishly fast typing can be heard going on the background.

“What I need you to do is hack into the website that posted this clip and lock it up so no one can access it.”  Tinkletoes instructs.

“Can't.”

“Why not?”

“This has been posted and re-posted all over the place.   It's gone...viral.  I have some good news.  There are 576,892 women out there that swear they are Monitor Man's mystery lady.   None of them look anything like Writer Lady.”

“Is he serious?”  Mural Man asks.

Tinkletoes nods.

“Ray, it's the Internet anyone can say anything they want.  It doesn't mean it's true.”

“Sure it is.”

“Ray, I'm not the best with history but I'm sure Abraham Lincoln did not invent the cheese puff.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“What about tortilla chips?”

“He didn't invent those either.”

“Whoa...”

“I'm sorry Ray.”

“This is a tough blow but I can handle it.”

“About Writer Lady...”

“I'm looking at pictures of his past girlfriends and I don't think you have anything to worry about.”

“I'm not worried Ray.  I want the threat neutralized.”  Tinkletoes says.

“Duuude.  No way man.”

“I mean I want the footage put where Writer Lady won't see it.”

Ray continues typing.  “All of the tags have Monitor Man somewhere in the name.  Let me check Writer Lady's computer.  Do we still have access to her history?”

Mural Man looks at Tinkletoes with surprise.  Tinkletoes turns his head away and whispers, “Yeah.”

Tinkletoes waits quietly for more information while Mural Man glares in his direction.

“According to Writer Lady's computer she doesn't go to any of the sites you're worried about.    Unless someone leads her to the information she will never know a thing man.  You're perfectly safe.”

“I'm perfectly safe.”  Tinkletoes says.

“You totally overreacted.”

“I overreacted.”

“She might run into someone who tells her about it.  But here?   You have nothing to worry about unless he shows up at the door or something.”

“You're right Ray.   Everything is going to be just fine."   Tinkletoes looks from left to right.   "As soon as I secure the perimeter.”

Of Murals and Monitor Man

Tinkletoes enters the bonus room to find Mural Man in his loincloth sashaying and gyrating to some...something.   He turns his head away from whatever Mural Man is doing and looks around the room.  As a flash of vibrant color penetrates his field of vision, Tinkletoes watches the bright clothing dance along the wall over to where Mural Man is um...doing his thing.   The salsa dress is stunning and the woman being enveloped by it captivating with long auburn hair and glowing amber eyes.  She is tall and willowy.  Tinkletoes has to remember why he came into the room.  The music changes to a salsa that ricochets off the walls in time with party lights bringing him back to his mission. Just as the dancing woman reaches Mural Man, Tinkletoes coughs.

“May I help you?”  The woman asks as both she and Mural Man look at Tinkletoes unhappy with the interruption.

“You're supposed to be quiet at night. Writer Lady has an agreement with House.”

“I am she.”   The woman says.

“You're House?  I thought the house was House.” Tinkletoes says.

“I am.”

“How can you be on the wall dancing then?”

“TP.  TP created a one dimensional rendering of my personality so that Mural Man and I could... interact.”  House answers gazing at her dance partner.  Mural Man looks at her adoringly.

“Wow.   You look. Wow.”  Tinkletoes says.

“Yes.  Thank you.”  House responds.   “Is that all?”

“So I need to know when you're going to turn the music down, so I can tell Writer Lady.”

“We have no plans to turn it down in the immediate future.”

Tinkletoes points to the window.  “It's nighttime.  It's dark out.”

House glares at Tinkletoes, stepping away from Mural Man, she sighs, “We are merely enjoying the time we lost earlier today when Writer Lady, Carp, TP and yourself were congregating in our space.”

“We weren't in here that long.”   Tinkletoes says.

“Then this won't take very long will it?”  The music starts up again.  House and Mural Man pick up where they left off.

Tinkletoes stands where he is and waits.   He studies the murals as they dance. So happy and oblivious to everything around them.

The song ends.  House claps her hands, the party lights go off and the lights come back on. “There! Happy?”  She shouts, leaving the room in a huff.

“Very. Thank you.”   Tinkletoes says grinning.

Mural Man sits down.   As well as any one dimensional painting can. “So.”   He says.

“So.  You're the mural.”  Tinkletoes says.

“Yep.”

“You look just like Monitor Man?”  Tinkletoes asks.

“That's what they tell me.”

“House seems to like you a lot.”

“I'm Monitor Man, well a picture of Monitor Man.  What's not to like?”

“I only met him once, there was a war.  I killed way more Ninja Zombies than he did.”

Mural Man nods.  Then silence.

Tinkletoes looks in the direction of the main house and Writer Lady.  “What is it about Monitor Man that the ladies seem to like so much?”

Mural Man thinks for a minute, grinning he says, “He's a lover not a fighter.”

“What's he got that I don't?  I'm looking at you Mural Man I'm thinking we look a lot alike.”

“Really?”  Mural Man asks.

“Well yeah.”

House returns to the bonus room, “You're still here?”

“Yes he is.” Mural Man answers House.  “We were talking.  He says he thinks we look a lot alike.   He wonders what Monitor Man has that he doesn't.  Do you think we look alike?”

House starts to open her mouth in protest.  She looks at Mural Man, then at Tinkletoes. “Possibly.  If you were cleaned up, put in an excellent costume.  Yes Tinkletoes, you could be mistaken for Monitor Man, in a dark alley by a blind person.”

TP pops in the room in front of Tinkletoes, “You scream like a girl.”  The faerie giggles and disappears in a puff of smoke.

“And Monitor Man doesn't?  I fought in a war with him.   A guy like that, he totally screams like a girl.  I'll prove it.”  Tinkletoes says pulling his phone out of his pocket he starts searching the Internet for confirmation. “See here it is.” Tinkletoes says, he walks across the room and leans against the wall between them so the murals can see what he found.

There it was, Monitor Man running out of a haunted obstacle course nearly running over the children in front of him and screaming loudly.

“Just like a girl.”   Tinkletoes says beaming.  “Waaaay louder than I screamed.”

The man holding the camera stops Monitor Man to ask him if he knew he screamed that way. The actor looked right at the camera and said, “Of course, I do that on purpose.  Studies show that if you are already scared and someone behind you screams, you'll scream too.  Even louder than the person behind you.” Monitor Man grins.   “I like to read psychology sometimes between takes.” He grins bigger, his eye twinkles.

House glares at Tinkletoes.   “He sounds like a really smart guy.”

“He's used to being in the public eye. It's probably some canned answer he keeps hidden away for this type of moment.”

“You think he goes to haunted houses and scary movies enough that he needs a canned answer to explain his girlish screams?”  House asks.

“Well, yeah.”

Tinkletoes pulls up another embarrassing piece of footage to share with Mural Man.

“What's this all about?”  House asks.

TP pops back in the room. “Tinkletoes likes Writer Lady.  He wants her attention. Tinkletoes is jeal-ous...” The faerie sings out.

“That's not it.”  Tinkletoes tries to argue.

“If Writer Lady likes Tinkletoes he thinks he won't have to buy her a new lawn mower too.  Silly human.  It's not going to work.  Tinkletoes will pay!  Pay over and over.”   TP says giggling.

House glares at Tinkletoes.

“What?”

“You wonder why I don't like you.”  She says.  “First thing mercenary, you have to decide what your first priority is Writer Lady's love or not having to buy that lawn mower.”

“Can't I have both?”   Tinkletoes asks.

“If Writer Lady is your priority,” House says pointing to Tinkletoes' search results.  “Keep watching Monitor Man.  Watch and learn soldier.  Watch and learn.”

“What can he teach me? Besides, it doesn't matter how many women want him he has a girlfriend.   I heard him say it.  More than once.”

“He can teach you how to get a girlfriend, moron.”  House says, pointing to an item on the phone.  “TP” she calls.  The item is immediately called up on Tinkletoes' phone.   It is an excerpt from an entertainment news show.   It was recorded the day before.

There are two female anchors sitting at a desk in front of a colorful set.  Large movie posters and pictures of actors and actresses are posted behind them.   A large “Hollywood” sign hangs above the posters.

Attention Ladies Hollywood's sexiest hottie is single again.  Monitor Man has recently broken up with his long time girlfriend, Incredibly Hot Woman. But if you want him you're going to have to act fast.  He already has someone he's interested in.  When we give you this scoop you will be shocked.   Stay tuned...

Everyone waits for more information.  The show picks up where it left off, cutting straight to an interview with Monitor Man.

“So Monitor Man what kind of woman has caught your eye?  She must be something to draw your attention from Incredibly Hot Woman. Which rising starlet is it?  Give us a hint.”  The interviewer asks.

“I won't give you any names.  I want to respect her privacy.   Besides, I don't even know if she would like a guy like me.” Monitor Man grins. “I will tell you this she's bright, funny and independent.  Oh and kind of spunky.”

Tinkletoes runs a hand across his mouth.  “It's her.   It's Writer Lady.  He likes Writer Lady.   If she sees this I have no chance.   She can't see this.”  Tinkletoes sends an e-mail with footage from the entertainment show attached and the message, “Call me after you've seen this.  Tink.”

Ten minutes later the phone rings.

“Duuuuuuude.”

“Thanks for calling Ray.”

“So what's up man?” Ray asks.

“Do you remember the story I told you about the Ninja Zombie war?  The actor guy?”

“Sure.”   There are munching noises in the background.   “That guy is super hot. You are so lucky he had a girlfriend or I'll bet Writer Lady would have run off with him.”

“The attachment in the e-mail I just sent you? That's the guy.”  Tinkletoes says.

“Duude, the guy in the video...he's single.”

“He wasn't during the war.”

“You fought in a war side by side with Monitor Man?  Duuude.  That is so cool.” Ray says.  The munching continues.

“Writer Lady and Monitor Man fought side by side.   I was at the other end of the hall doing the real damage.   That doesn't matter.  What matters is, he's single now.  He said he is already looking at someone.  He's looking at Writer Lady.  My Writer Lady.”

“Just a sec.  I have to send this attachment to my mom.  She thinks Monitor Man is so...hot.   She's been really bummed since that other dude got married.”

“No!  Don't spread that thing around.  I don't want Writer Lady to find out.”

“Sorry man but Mom would totally kick my ass if she found out I knew about this and I didn't tell her.  I'd never eat again.”  Ray says, crunching on something loudly.  “The cheese puffs are gone.”  He says crumpling up the bag. “I love cheese puffs.   This really sucks.”

“Ray.  I need you to focus.”

“My phone's beeping.  Just a sec.”

Tinkletoes paces and waits for Ray to return to the line.

“Duuude.  My mom is freaking out!   She's going for it!   She's just sure she's going to get Monitor Man's attention.   She said he just needs an experienced woman to love him.   Old ladies are so cute.”

“Ray.  I just need you to do one thing for me.”

“Mom just sent me an e-mail.   She says she's going to send Monitor Man a special picture and wait for his call.  She wants me to look at it first.”

Tinkletoes rubs a hand down his face and paces some more.

“No way.  No Way.   No Waaaaay.”

Smokin' Hot Super Stud

“Very Funny.” Tinkletoes says standing up and brushing himself off. As he closes the back door, Carp hands him a towel. “Do you think she heard?” He whispers.

TP pops into the room and says, “Carp, Writer Lady wants to know if you and your girlfriend want to join us for pizza.” TP giggles.

Tinkletoes hangs his head.

“There's your answer.” Carp says and turns to TP. “Yes we'll be there in a few minutes.” TP disappears in a puff of smoke.

“Relax. It will be a fun joke tonight then it will be forgotten about completely.”

“No.” Tinkletoes shakes his head. “That's it. I officially have no chance with her. Writer Lady will never see me as the smokin' hot, virile, super stud that I am now.”

“Super Stud?”

“Yeah, something wrong with that?”

“I'm just having trouble picturing that.” Carp says.

“I don't think I like you trying to picture it.” Tinkletoes says. “I'm a Super Stud Dammit!”

“Okay.” Carp turns his head away for a second to stifle his laughter.

“I have to make sure she doesn't forget it.” Tinkletoes says.

“Are you sure she's noticed?” Carp asked.

“Oh yeah, she's noticed.” Tinkletoes answers. “I can feel it.”

“This isn't a Star Wars movie we're living in here.”

Tinkletoes jerks his head up. “Don't disrespect the SW unless you wanna rumble.”

“No.”

Tinkletoes leans in close. “Darth Vader is real. One word from me and he will totally put the hurt on you.” Tinkletoes whispers. “Capesh?”

Carp nods.

“That's not what I was talking about though. I was referring to my Super Stud Sense. A man knows these things. I have to remind Writer Lady of how hot I am, make her forget about today's incident.”

Writer Lady's voice can be heard calling from the kitchen. “Pizza's ready! If you two love birds don't stop making out there won't be any left.”

“This is going to be a long night.” Carp says.

“There you two are. You almost missed out.” Writer Lady is standing by the stove keeping watch over the last four pieces. “You need to hurry. Dylan has come in twice already hoping to hear that you aren't hungry.”

“Where is everyone?” Tinkletoes asks.

“In the living room watching TV.”

Tinkletoes grins at Carp. Carp gets a plate and quickly takes custody of his two pieces leaving the room. “Thanks for the food.” Tinkletoes says pulling out his most dazzling smile.

“You're welcome. There would have been some bar-b-q but I was worried, came home early, and forgot to bring leftovers.”

“No, really. This is great.” Tinkletoes takes a step forward standing in Writer's Lady's space. “You are an amazing woman. Have I ever told you that before?”

“Thank you. You still have to replace the lawn mower.” Writer Lady answers.

“Will do. Pretty lady. Will do.” Tinkletoes smiles again. Taking his plate, he turns around and heads into the living room.

TP pops into the kitchen next to Writer Lady's shoulder.

“What was that about?” Writer Lady asks.

Stifling a laugh TP shakes his head and pops back out of the room.

Tinkletoes sits down next to Carp. “I have got it going on.” He says.

Carp looks at Tinkletoes and waits for more information.

“I turned up the heat in there a little. Poor woman. She never knew what hit her.”

“Did she take you in her arms right there in the kitchen? Pin you against the stove and take advantage of you? Did you leave her in the corner drooling and tearing at her clothes? What happened?”

“She said, 'You still have to replace the lawn mower.' She said it without yelling or hitting me. I was in her space. If she wasn't hot for me she would have hurt me.”

Carp rolls his eyes.

“What she doesn't know is this isn't over. I'm just getting started.”

“Really?”

“Of course, I just laid the foundation. I have to turn up the heat now. That's the only way the concrete is going to set.”

“You know, there are children here.” Carp points out.

“That's what bedtime is for. I think I need to go help with the dishes.” Tinkletoes says standing up. “Here let me take that for you.” He says taking Carp's plate and pizza.

“I'm not finished.” Carp says grabbing his pizza at the last second. “We used paper plates. There are no dishes.” He says to Tinkletoes' back.

“No.” Writer Lady says.

“No?”

“We used paper plates. The pizza came in a box. There are no dishes. So the answer is 'No' there is nothing you can help me with.”

“How about the trash can? I'll bet it's full. I'll just take that out for you.” Tinkletoes says walking over to the can. “It's empty.”

“I took it out already.” Writer Lady says.

Tinkletoes looks around for something to do. The kitchen is immaculate. He finds a well lit spot in Writer Lady's line of site. Yawning, Tinkletoes stretches, raising his arms up over his head. “It's been a long day. I'm tired.” Bringing his arms down slowly he starts flexing things. Writer Lady yawns and closes her eyes.

“Look...dammit...look!” Tinkletoes says.

“Did you say something?”

“No?”

“It must be House and Mural Man. We have an agreement about the noise level at night, they must have forgotten again. I'll go check on them.”

“Let me do that.” Tinkletoes volunteers.

“Are you sure? House doesn't like you much.”

“She's a lot happier since she met Mural Man. There won't be a problem.”

Writer Lady looks at Tinkletoes doubtingly.

“No. Really. I've got this.”