Duuude

“That is so wrong.”  Ray exclaims from his end of the line.  “My eyes.   Dude, this picture.”

“Bad huh?”  Tinkletoes asks.

“My eyes are burning.”

“Close the e-mail.”   Tinkletoes instructs.  “You don't want to go blind,” he says laughing to himself.

“Thanks man.”   Ray says.   “That was close.  Things were starting to go...dark. I hope I don't wake up blind tomorrow.”

“Nah, you closed it in plenty of time.”   Tinkletoes says with a grin.

“I hope so man.”   Ray says sounding worried.

A ping sounds in the background.  “Mom just popped up on Facebook, she wants to know what I think.  What do I say?”   Ray asks.

What is that thing Writer Lady says sometimes?  Tinkletoes mutters.

“Less is more?”   A voice calls from behind Tinkletoes' shoulder.

“That's it!  Less is more.   Thanks.”  Tinkletoes says to the voice, returning his attention to to the phone call.  “Ray?   Tell your mom 'less is more'.”

“Duuude.   Mom wearing any less would be a bad thing.  A really bad thing”

Tinkletoes hears Ray typing in the background.

“I told my mom she looks prettier when she has more clothes on. Mom, don't be mad, mom?  Mom?  You always told me not to use that word.  MOM?”

Tinkletoes just listens, shaking his head.  Tinkletoes' phone lights up with a text message.

Look at the picture man. Mom doesn't believe me.  Ray.

Tinkletoes looks at the picture.  The mercenary sucks in his breath.  Closing his eyes, he raises his hand to his head and pinches the bridge of his nose until his eyes tear up.

“My, that's a vivid picture.”  A voice says from behind Tinkletoes' shoulder.

“Did you look at the picture?”  Ray asks.

“Yeah, I looked.”

“What do I tell her?”

“I don't know what to tell her.  I'm a guy.  How would I know?”  Tinkletoes says.

“She's stunning.  Tell her she looks stunning.” The voice behind Tinkletoes says. Tinkletoes turns around to see Mural Man on the wall behind him.

Tinkletoes shows Mural Man the picture.   Up close.

“I know.  Tell her she's stunning but that women all over the world are going to be sending pictures just like this one.  A woman like her will stand out even more against those other women if she is more like herself.   Monitor Man is more likely to be interested in a woman that approaches him in a friendly courteous manner instead of a cheap one.”

“Seriously?”  Tinkletoes asks.

Mural Man nods.

“Since I don't have anything better.”  Tinkletoes relays Mural Man's suggestion adding something of his own. “Ray, tell your mom I said that nuns are totally sexy.”

“Duuude.  Great idea.”  Ray says typing. “Mom says, thanks for the compliment and the advice.  She also says that getting turned on by nuns sounds kind of creepy and you may want to get some help with that.”

“I didn't mean it like that.   It's supposed to make her want to put on more clothes.”

“I know man.  She didn't get it.  Thanks for helping me tonight Tinkletoes you really saved my butt.  If you ever need anything just let me know.”

“Yeah.”

“Seriously anything at all, like setting up the games so you win on gaming night, talking to you in the middle of the night when you can't sleep, bringing you cheese puffs.  Anything you need man.”

“That's why I called.  I need your help with something.”  Tinkletoes says.  No one answers.  “Ray?”  Still nothing.  “He hung up on me.  I can't believe he hung up on me.”  Tinkletoes dials Ray's number.  “Ray.”

“Dude. Long time no see.”

“Ray...it's me Tink.”

“Wow...you sound totally different than the last time we spoke.  Have you been working out?”

“We just talked Ray.   2.5 minutes ago.  I sound completely different than I did 2.5 minutes ago?”

“What can I say?  Life moves fast.”

Drawers can be heard opening and closing.

“I can't find my cheese puffs.”

“Look in the trash.”  Tinkletoes says.

“Found it.  The bag is empty.   Bummer. Wait a minute, how did you know that?” Ray asks.

“We were just on the phone with each other.”

“Okay.”

“You don't remember? We were talking about Monitor Man being single again. He wants Writer Lady.  I need you to help me hide the news clip from Writer Lady.”

“Oh yeah.”   Ray answers.  “If she found out Writer Lady would totally dump you.”

“Let's not let that happen.”   Tinkletoes says.

“I will take a look.”  Ray says, freakishly fast typing can be heard going on the background.

“What I need you to do is hack into the website that posted this clip and lock it up so no one can access it.”  Tinkletoes instructs.

“Can't.”

“Why not?”

“This has been posted and re-posted all over the place.   It's gone...viral.  I have some good news.  There are 576,892 women out there that swear they are Monitor Man's mystery lady.   None of them look anything like Writer Lady.”

“Is he serious?”  Mural Man asks.

Tinkletoes nods.

“Ray, it's the Internet anyone can say anything they want.  It doesn't mean it's true.”

“Sure it is.”

“Ray, I'm not the best with history but I'm sure Abraham Lincoln did not invent the cheese puff.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“What about tortilla chips?”

“He didn't invent those either.”

“Whoa...”

“I'm sorry Ray.”

“This is a tough blow but I can handle it.”

“About Writer Lady...”

“I'm looking at pictures of his past girlfriends and I don't think you have anything to worry about.”

“I'm not worried Ray.  I want the threat neutralized.”  Tinkletoes says.

“Duuude.  No way man.”

“I mean I want the footage put where Writer Lady won't see it.”

Ray continues typing.  “All of the tags have Monitor Man somewhere in the name.  Let me check Writer Lady's computer.  Do we still have access to her history?”

Mural Man looks at Tinkletoes with surprise.  Tinkletoes turns his head away and whispers, “Yeah.”

Tinkletoes waits quietly for more information while Mural Man glares in his direction.

“According to Writer Lady's computer she doesn't go to any of the sites you're worried about.    Unless someone leads her to the information she will never know a thing man.  You're perfectly safe.”

“I'm perfectly safe.”  Tinkletoes says.

“You totally overreacted.”

“I overreacted.”

“She might run into someone who tells her about it.  But here?   You have nothing to worry about unless he shows up at the door or something.”

“You're right Ray.   Everything is going to be just fine."   Tinkletoes looks from left to right.   "As soon as I secure the perimeter.”