From A Soldier To An Outlaw

“Gentlemen.” TP says from the podium. The faerie looks at an area above and behind Tinkletoes as if the room is brimming over with military personnel. “You are excellent soldiers. Thoroughly trained and full dedicated to defending your country. Recently, it has been brought to my attention that there is an area of your training that has been overlooked. Your ability to interact positively with the fairer sex.”

Carp rises from his chair and steps to the podium, placing a hand over the the microphone he says, “TP you can't say that.”

“I am General Tampon Sir, please address me as such.” General Tampon A.K.A. TP says.

“I'm sorry. General Tampon but you can't say that.”

“It's General Tampon...Sir!” The faerie corrects smiling.

Carp tries again. “General Tampon Sir, you cannot put it that way.”

“You need to pause between the Tampon and Sir. If you picture ellipses in your mind it helps.” General Tampon instructs with a smile.

Carp rubs his forehead with his other hand. “General Tampon...Sir. Would you please rephrase your statement? Women no longer appreciate being referred to as the “fairer sex”. Please don't use the “s” word either. Children have been known to read these stories sometimes.”

“Are you sure of that sir?” The general asks.

Carp looks beyond the walls of the room past a computer screen to find a pair of young eyes, reading. Pointing to the eyes, “See out there?” Carp asks. Pointing to the far left another pair of young eyes can be seen.

“I see.” General Tampon says. The faerie pulls out his note cards for Carp to peruse before he continues the lecture.

Carp reads them quickly. “No, no, no, that's a great joke but not appropriate. None of that either. No diagrams.”

“No pictures either?” The faerie asks.

“No visual aids.”

“Film?”

“We are not going there okay?” Carp says. “If you can't play nice then you need to sit down.”

“Isn't there something else you want to say?” General Tampon asks. The faerie whispers, “You want to say, “Thank you General Tampon...Sir for that fine introduction.”

Carp starts muttering under his breath.

Mural Man joins the circle, “Is there a problem?” He asks.

Carp nods and hands Mural Man the note cards. “He can't say this.”

“It's okay we'll just skip this part.” Mural Man looks up and peeks at their audience...of one. Tinkletoes is slumped down in the chair dozing. “He's almost asleep he won't know the difference. Quick question, General Tampon...Sir, what has anything in this lecture got to do with apologizing? Or Tinkletoes learning to treat Writer Lady in a more friendly way so that some day they might be closer?”

“I'm glad you asked.” General Tampon says, “Tinkletoes has a limited attention span. He saves deep concentration for other things like designing lightsabers, playing video games and memorizing the schematics to various pieces of weaponry.”

All look over at Tinkletoes who is now sleeping soundly.

“Before Tinkletoes takes on any endeavor in life whether it be learning a new game or attacking a new target he knows what the goal is. He knows what the payoff looks like. I am simply showing him the payoff before we go dragging him through a swamp laden wilderness without any back-up or air support. If we skip ahead a little and get his full attention we can back track to the apologies right away before we lose him again.”

“You have to admit that is one way to approach this.” Mural Man says.

General Tampon grins and sticks his tongue out at Carp.

“But not the way we are approaching it today.” Mural Man continues. “Thank you General Tampon...Sir for your wonderful introduction.” Mural Man says gesturing to the chairs nearby. The room grows quiet. Mural Man finds himself at a loss for words.

Tinkletoes' head begins to tilt to the right as he sleeps, slowly at first, then more quickly. Eventually his head makes contact with his shoulder jerking him awake. “What? Is it over yet? What did we learn?”

“No Tinkletoes we are just getting started.” Mural Man answers.

“Oh. Wake me when we're done okay? I totally agree with everything you're gonna say.” Tinkletoes says, closing his eyes.

“No. You need to wake up. Now.” Mural Man says raising his voice.

Tinkletoes yawns and turns his head the other way.

Mural Mans' body starts making crinkling noises. He steps on to the classroom floor and stands over Tinkletoes. “Wake Up! NOW!” He yells.

Tinkletoes lifts his head and looks at Mural Man. “Okay. It's nothing to yell about. What's got you all worked up?”

Mural Man turns around and steps back up to the platform. “Now let's get started. You Tinkletoes like Writer Lady. But you need help. You're crude, obnoxious, demanding, and you don't know how to apologize. We are going to fix that. To-day.” Mural Man announces with a smile.

“What is it I have to learn exactly? To make things work out in my favor.” Tinkletoes asks.

“The quickest and most efficient way for you to fix things is to apologize.”

“That's not happening. I don't do that.”

“Apologize? Everyone says 'I'm sorry' sometimes.”

“I don't.”

“You have never apologized?”

“Nope.”

“You have never made good when you made a mistake?”

“I've made amends from time to time but never apologized.”

“How is that possible?” Mural Man asks.

Tinkletoes grins. “Because I'm me.” He says proudly.

“Why do I feel like we never should have gone down this road?” Mural Man mutters under his breath.

“Because you shouldn't have?” Tinkletoes asks.

“Yet here we are.”

“Yep.” Tinkletoes agrees.

“You have no interest in apologizing do you?” Mural Man asks.

“I'm a guy. Real men don't apologize.”

Those words hit Mural Man just as hard as if Tinkletoes had thrown a brick right at his head. The paper hottie with the sweet tushy knows that one of the key elements to a real man is that he has the courage to admit he's wrong. To apologize. “It seems we've hit a stalemate.” Mural Man says.

“I'm not budging, if that's what you mean.” Tinkletoes says.

Dobby steps on to the speaker's platform, dressed appropriately as the classroom walls begin to fall away. The ginger tabby's spurs tapping against the floor as he walks upright. When the transformation of setting has finished they are in a deserted ghost town from the old west. Mural Man and Tinkletoes facing each other in the middle of the street in full western wear, armed and ready. Dust and random tumble weeds roll across the street in front of them.

TP is no longer a Tampon but an outlaw complete with big black mustache, Carp is dressed as the saloon keeper and Dobby has donned his long brown leather duster once more. Once a browncoat...always a browncoat. ;) The feline has a patch over one eye. (Because only the grittiest of heroes are missing an eye). This puss has grit all right. It's right between his toes, from scratching around...in the litter box. 

 This isn't about Dobby. This is about the showdown goin' down right now in this here ghost town.

“So Dobby, what brings you to these here parts?” the outlaw Shredded TP asks. “You ain't been here much lately. You gonna take care of this?”

“Nope. I just brought the soundtrack. Everyone knows you can't have a shoot out without the music.”

“He's right.” Carp says. “No one watches long enough to care what happens to either party much less to see what happens if there isn't music. In the old days, they didn't have soundtracks. The only way you knew who won is someone got shot.”

“What if both of them got shot?” Shredded TP asks.

“If both of them got shot does it matter?”

“If you don't know the facts of what happened, the tombstone just ain't gonna look right.” Dobby's voice says from under his hat.

“Or the obituary.” Carp adds.

“Not to mention the campfire stories.” Shredded TP says.

“Why isn't anything happening?” Carp asks.

“Nothing can happen until I play the music.” Dobby says taking a pocket knife and a piece of a small branch out of his brown duster pocket. With each new sentence the feline cuts a strip of bark away from the wood. “They have to have a last exchange of words. Mural Man will try to make Tinkletoes see reason. I'm guessin' Tinkletoes will have none of it. Then they can start shootin'.”