When A Self-Proclaimed Mercenary Meets A Pirate

“As I told you earlier, I am always up to no good. I can always be counted on for that. If you would be so kind.”

Writer Lady steps aside to let him pass.

“I don’t know.” Tinkletoes says as he steps into the clearing. “I think that I’d like to hear a bit more.” The self-proclaimed mercenary is standing behind the pirate along with Monitor Man, Carp, Blackbuck Antelope and both unicorns.

“I would love to explain the specifics, but, I am a bit pressed for time.”

Tinkletoes looks at the rest of the group. “That’s okay. We’ll go with you. You can talk as we walk.”

Pirate frowns.

“I can see from your face that you really don’t want us to go with you. You’d rather take Writer Lady off into parts unknown, wouldn’t you?”

Pirate looks at Writer Lady. He smirks a little, “She is full of unexplored possibilities.” His face becomes serious again. “I am well and truly on a most important mission. So if you don’t mind.”

“What’s the rush?”

“The Lady With The Long Golden Hair is in great danger. Time is of the essence.”

“What’s goin’ on?” Tinkletoes asks.

“It is Treimhse Ar Adoration. The Period of Adoration. Unfortunately, along with the human suitors that we are well fortified to deal with, animals of all sorts have arrived along with various mystical creatures.”

“What kind?” Carp asks.

“Giants, ogres, elves...a minotaur.”

“Man, beast,...” Monitor Man says.

“ and one big ass bull.” Tinkletoes finishes the sentence.

“Oh my.” Carp exclaims.

“They are pushing against the defenses, trampling the herb garden, licking the glass.”

“Oh no! Not that!” Tinkletoes says with a grin.

Writer Lady makes a face and a sound of warning to go with it.

“I assure you that this is no laughing matter.” Pirate says.

“So um...has anyone tossed their undies down the chimney?”

“It will take months to get that mess cleared out.”

Tinkletoes starts laughing and is silenced by all of the disapproving faces. When a rainbow colored kitten thinks that you are showing poor taste then you probably are. “What if we bought you some time? If I remember correctly The Lady With The Long Golden Hair lives in the country. What if we moved her? To town? Would the mystical creatures follow her to town? If there were witnesses?”

“Some might be inclined to leave, eventually.”

“Let’s move her to Writer Lady’s house.” Tinkletoes suggests. “There are people that can protect here there until you get back.”

Pirate ponders this suggestion.

“It’s not the worst idea.” Carp admits.

“I want my sister to be protected but I think that y’all are forgetting one tiny detail. Her house is enchanted to protect her.”

It is pirate’s turn to smile. “The enchantments surround her. Wherever The Lady With The Long Golden Hair goes she is protected. If she is in a house or in a car it is included within those spells.” He says.

“What about...”

Pirate holds up a finger to request silence. “With a few words the protection spells can be expanded to include everyone within the dwelling.”

“There ya go. We’re all set.” Tinkletoes grins. He looks at Writer Lady “You take everyone home, look after the house, and your sister. Monitor Man and I will take this here...pirate to steal the fancy ass sword.”

“We’re borrowing it.” Pirate repeats.

“I’m not sure that’s the best idea.” Writer Lady says.

“This is a delicate situation.” Pirate agrees. “It requires subtlety, grace...”

“The ability to blend in?” Monitor Man asks.

“In other words it requires someone who has the ability to be quiet.” Writer Lady points out, raising an eyebrow.

“I was a sniper. You have to be quiet and able to blend in with your surroundings.” Tinkletoes says.

“He told me that he was Special Ops.” Carp announces. “He worked with explosives.”

Tinkletoes begins to argue and closes his mouth. He opens his mouth to make a different point---thinking of something with a little bit more meat to it. “If it requires all the quiet stuff then what’s a pirate doin’ here?”

No one speaks.

“Well?” He asks.

“Have you ever met a pirate sir?” Pirate asks.

“You.”

“Ah...so you don’t know much about them.”

“They like black flags with skulls on ‘em, they talk funny, dress kinda girly.”

Pirate looks at Tinkletoes and continues, pretending he never heard the end of the last comment. “A pirate does attack ships, plunder goods, even raid settlements if there is a particularly valuable treasure being stored there. A pirate also walks through the shadows, distracts those in his path, and silently takes what is to become his without rustling a single leaf. A pirate can do anything that is required of him. I am very good at being quiet.” Pirate takes a step and leans in close. “Savvy?”

“Which is exactly what I do too.” Tinkletoes says without blinking an eye.

Several mouths drop open at once.

Writer Lady steps in between the two men. She faces Tinkletoes. “I think that Pirate made all the necessary points. Don’t you?”

“Yeah.” Tinkletoes looks around Writer Lady to speak to Pirate. “What happens if you need some muscle?”

Writer Lady doesn’t move.

“You go on home.” Tinkletoes says, he looks at Writer Lady and gestures to Carp, Blackbuck, Dobby, the kittens and the unicorns with a nod. “We’ve got guy stuff to do.”