The middle of the night is both a wonderful time and a terrible one. To be left alone with your thoughts can be torture if you’re worried about the coming day, revisiting a mistake from the day before, or mentally asking yourself over and over if your address book is up to date for the coming gift buying season or if you’re going to send a gift to the wrong place again like you did last year.
A case of the “what ifs” at three a.m. has to be the worst.
Most of my what ifs have been centered around the man currently known as Brent in my story. At the moment I’m being kept company by the What if questions I’ve been asking myself basically forever. What if I had been prettier? Would I have been more attractive if I was smarter? Would it have helped if my smile was brighter? If I dressed better? What if my name was more feminine? Would he have liked me if I was a little more someone else and a little less…me?
The middle of the night can also bring clarity.
It’s this kind of clarity which reminds me that if the only way to get “Brent’s” interest is to be someone else he isn’t a man I want to be with. I want, need, and deserve someone who sees the woman I am at three in the morning and wants her in his life exactly as she is. I won’t stifle or silence or change myself to please anyone.
Not anymore.
There’s also clarity in knowing I love myself. I like myself too. Most of me anyway. I’m not happy with some of my choices in life. Not learning how to navigate big expenses with more confidence and less anxiety. Not being better at building friendships when you’re not one of the crowd like—at all. Not moving on from things that aren’t working for me.
One of my biggest regrets is spending way too many years chasing a star that I will never grow tall enough to reach.
It leaves me in an odd place, stuck between what I know about myself, what parts of myself I’m determined to hold on to, and what stays within my sight but lingers well out of reach.
I feel ready to let go of that last tiny lingering ‘what if.’ Unfortunately, I’m not quite sure how to stop looking up at the sky and hoping for a miracle.
It’s a really strange place or purgatory to be stuck in and I find myself wondering how much longer this final bit is going to last.
Marley
*Sort out how any of this can be put into Renee’s story when there’s coffee. I need to sleep. TTFN.
This morning I find myself at odds. My crush on Brent has been with me for so long. Has it become part of my identity?
Who am I if I’m not spending my time longing for Brent? Who do I hang my hopes on?
I read somewhere that a person should never hang their hopes on another it’s unhealthy for them and unfair to the person they’re doing it to.
I look out the window and watch as an early morning rain falls. I can’t help wondering where hope comes from. Where do I find it? Does hope live in an accomplishment, a pursuit, a dream for the future? Does hope hide someplace within? Am I the only person who spends any time wondering about this?
Enough. Back to the big question, once I release the remaining tendrils of my feelings for Brent in what direction do I turn? How can I be sure it’s a healthy one? How do I not make this mistake again? Are any of the decisions I've made in recent days good ones?
Lester sits in front of the window as he watches the birds sheltering in the trees. The cat senses I'm watching him and turns to look at me. He shifts a bit on the sill. I can tell he wants to come over for a cuddle. We both know the jump down is a bit much for him these days. I get up and cross the room lifting the cat into my arms. He reaches up and gently touches my face with his paw, a quiet thank you. Lester is an old man now. He was my grandmother’s cat. He’s been a member of the family so long we have no idea how old he is.
It's complicated but almost everyone I’m related to has only been in my life for brief periods here and there. Lester and my grandmother being the only constants. Lester being the much more companionable of the two.
I don’t recall what life was like before he arrived, I can’t imagine what it would be like without him.
“You’re welcome.” I say giving him his Good Morning pet. I set him down in his bed at the dining area end of the room for a nap. He circles a bit settling himself in and closes his eyes. Lester looks as tired this morning as my heart feels.
I return to my coffee and find myself looking forward to the dull slowness of a quieter day.
There are no big decisions to be made at this time.
No more letters to write to Brent.
Just a bit of laundry and dinner with friends.
Dinner with friends and a difficult conversation.
What if Brent shows up after all?
Dinner with friends doesn’t feel so easy any more.
My phone pings at me.
Today is the first day of a new chapter of your life. I made you a playlist to help you get through coming days. We all love you. You’ve got this.
Cassandra
I click on the YouTube link she sent to find : Cassandra’s Playlist For Inner Strength. A collection that is totally her. I click on “Girl On Fire” by Alicia Keys before taking a final sip of coffee and getting started with the day.
“I’ve got a new job.” I announce. The moment the words tumbled out of my mouth I regretted speaking them. The silence around the table at our group’s annual UnThanksgiving Dinner was stifling. Their faces said it all.
I can’t take a new job, I’m Renee. I’m still working at the same job I got right out of college.
I’ve had a plan for my life since my first day of high school and I've barely wavered, then it's only been in matters pertaining to Brent, putting me in a specific place among my college friends early on. As the one who doesn’t change.
I had just stumped my friends into complete silence.
Everyone except Cassandra.
“What is it you’ll be doing?” Cassandra asked.
“There was an opening for a curator at the art museum. Special collections.” I responded, no longer feeling like discussing the subject further.
“That sounds fun.” Cassandra said, continuing the conversation for everyone else at the table.
“The art museum here eliminated special collections, there was no money in the budget. They closed it what, three/four years ago?” Melanie asked.
“The job isn’t here. A private university in New England has a need for one. I’ve been wanting to do something different and always wanted to see the coast. I applied, we talked a couple of times, and I got the job.”
“What about everything here?” My friend Evelyn asked.
“I own the car.” I responded. “I spoke with a couple of realtors and it shouldn’t be too difficult to get something worked out with the house. The biggest challenge is going to be finding somewhere to live near the university that will accept Lester.” My eyes immediately perused the room for him. The ebony colored short haired cat was resting in his bed. He opened one eye at the sound of his name. When no one approached with food or a hand for him to bite the feline returned to his nap.
More silence.
“Is anyone going to congratulate her?” Cassandra asked. “Anyone other than me?”
“Of course. Congratulations.” Cassandra’s husband Andy said. “My sister-in-law grew up in New England. She might be able to give you some ideas. I’d just need to know which university the job is at.”
“Grenden.”
“I think she knows someone who went there. I’ll have her ask around.”
“Thank you.”
A small wave of congratulations could be heard coming from around the table.
“We’re sorry Renee.” Ted apologized. “Your announcement is bit of a shock. You never change things, for you to make such a big change…”
“...no one saw it coming.” Evelyn said finishing her husband’s sentence.
“Quite frankly I never thought you’d make a change that might take you away from Brent.” Melanie added winking at me.
My eyes shot up at the sound of Brent’s name, a reflex reaction I have yet to break myself of. Several remarks came to mind, none of them felt useful or even necessary.
“Brent’s not here. He only pops by when he’s between projects.” Cassandra pointed out. “As far as I’m concerned it’s his loss, he should have spent more time with Renee when he had the chance.”
“It’s only a few hours away.” I add.
“A few hours on the road isn’t going to stop me and Andy from visiting.” Cassandra points out.
Melanie looked away as people took turns shifting uncomfortably in their seats.
Ted turned to Melanie and said. “Brent’s resourceful. He’ll find her when he wants to see her.”
“Is the “Thanksgiving Complaints, Mishaps and the Things We’ll Never Be Able To Unsee” portion of the dinner over?” I ask hoping the subject will be changed.
No one responded.
“That leaves us with the best parts of the week and what’s on our Christmas Wish lists.” Andy announces. “Who’s ready for something other than pie?”
3 comments:
I had to go back and re-read this section. The first part of the chapter seem like they are letters from the writer that give focus to the actual story. I get the impression that the writer exploring the concepts. The What ifs was very insightful. I would be good for Renee to visit that within the body of the story. I think it would bring the audience closer to Renee and develop that bond to want to continue to read. Everyone sits back from time to time and says what if… I call them life changing moments. If I had only gone out with Cindy… If we had not moved during that time.. If I had (fill in the blank).. each one could have altered the path of one life. Some for good and some for bad. No one can now what the alternate path would be like since it never happened. Sometimes its fun to let our minds explore those alternates and sometimes its torture.
I was not sure if Brent was just made up as with one part of your writing which stated love that could never be returned was safe. But reading different snippets pointed to him coming back from time to time when it was convenient or seeing him across the quad. I thought the parts about how Renee was always the same. Same job, same life.. gave some insight into her (I am assuming she is the focus of the book) Now is the time for her to branch out and try something new. The path it will take is the interesting part along with how Renee handles it.
I am not sure where the different Renee’s at different ages was going. Started to wonder if Renee had multiple personalities and was that the path of the book. I liked the story line a lot but was not sure if it was the place for it…
Sorry… I am not sure if you were looking for analysis or not. One last thought..
P.S. I would like to get to know Renee a little more to pull the reader into the story and feel her pain and joy.
That is a lot of insight @A-Musing Tales.
This story is multi-layered. The top section consists of Marley's journal entries. Marley is a budding film director who is suffering from a long standing crush on an actor. Renee's story is a piece of fiction Marley is writing to work through her own unrequited feelings in an effort to let go of her feelings and live a happier, healthier life.
Brent does exist in Renee's world not Marley's; Marley has never encountered the object of her affection in real life. Renee and Brent were part of a close knit group of college friends. Most of whom stayed in touch after graduation and live close to one another. Due to the life Brent leads there have only been mentions of him so far.
Renee does not have multiple personalities. I personally still remember how it felt to be five years old, ten years old, sixteen, twenty-six, etc... Multiple Renees is an attempt to depict that the character remembers how she felt during previous periods of her life. Deciding how much to focus on Renee and how much to focus on Marley has been a challenge.
I enjoyed the feedback. Thank you. I hope you continue reading the story.
@A-Musing Tales I think you'll see there's a bit more of Renee in Chapter Three.
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