Secure The Perimeter

“Secure the perimeter?” Mural Man asks.

“That sounds like a lot of work. Later man.” Ray says hanging up.

“Did he hang up?” Mural Man asks.

“Of course, I mentioned work.” Tinkletoes says. “He wasn't going to help. Besides this is my woman. My perimeter to secure.”

“He has to piss on every tree and poop in every corner.” TP pops in giggling and pops back out.

“That's a vivid picture.” Mural Man says. “You aren't really going to piss on every tree and poop in every corner are you?” Mural Man asks looking around the room and counting corners.

“No, that's just an expression and it only pertains to outside.” Tinkletoes says as he walks around the room looking out the windows and at the doors making plans. “ All that popping in and out is getting annoying. I'm going to have to talk with TP about that.”

“Talk with TP about what?” Writer Lady asks standing the the entryway.

“All that popping in and out of the room.”

“He does that when he says something obnoxious or makes a comment he doesn't want to answer questions about. It's kind of cute.” Writer Lady says. “Besides he doesn't do it often.”

“He does it to me all the time.” Tinkletoes says.

“Oh. Well, it's nice and quiet. Thanks for taking care of things in here.”

“Yeah.”

Several minutes pass.

“Well. It's getting really late I was wondering would you mind?”

“Mind what?” Tinkletoes asks.

“Going home.” Writer Lady says.

“No. I can't go home. Not at a time like this.”

“A time like what?” Writer Lady asks looking directly at Tinkletoes.

Tinkletoes searches the room for a reason to stay. He looks at Mural Man for help. Mural Man looks away and slides along the wall to the far end of the room. He looks down at his watch. “Would you look at the time? It's so late. I should go.”

Writer Lady nods.

“It has been a long day. You look tired.” Tinkletoes says, heading for the door. He stops for a moment, “I was wondering. I'm not tired. Would it be okay if I picked the shell casings up out of your yard?”

“I suppose so.”

“Thank you.”

Tinkletoes leaves closing the locked door behind him.

“Meow, meow. Yeow!” Dobby calls.

Writer Lady opens one eye and looks out from under the covers.

“Yeow!” Dobby calls jumping up onto the bed and landing on her head.

“Okay. Okay, kitty. I'm getting up.” Sitting up and yanking the blankets back she thumps into the kitchen feeding Dobby on auto-pilot. She changes the ginger tabby's water and heads to the bathroom to start her own morning ritual. Writer Lady returns to the kitchen several minutes later, face freshly scrubbed and teeth brushed. She makes coffee and yawns a lot.

“Would you look at the time? It's after nine a.m. Half the day is gone.” She says looking at Dobby. Dobby looks up at her with big soft eyes. “I'm sorry kitty. Breakfast was so late, forgive me?” Dobby blinks his forgiveness. “I don't have to work today. Thanks to your friend I don't have to mow either.” Writer Lady says looking down at Dobby sternly. “It's going to be really hot today. So he kind of did me a favor. But don't tell. Men like him get obnoxious if you're too nice. I think it will be okay until next week. I'll take a look in a minute.” Writer Lady fixes herself a cup of coffee. While taking that first welcome sip of caffeine she looks through the kitchen window at what can only be described as the area that used to be her front yard. She opens her mouth in astonishment. Closes it. Looks down at Dobby. Opens her mouth to say something, looks back through the window and stares.

“Mom?” Dobby asks.

“Well crap.” Writer Lady mutters turning around and putting her coffee cup on the kitchen counter. She tightens the belt on her robe and heads outside.

“Well hi.” Tinkletoes says looking up from his work. He has dug holes all over the lawn and it looks like a colony of groundhogs have been playing Hide and Seek in Writer Lady's yard.

“What's going on here? What do you think you're doing? Because it looks like you're tearing up my yard.”

“I'll tell ya. I was thinking about your problem and I decided the best way to solve it was to just...”

“Destroy the yard?”
“Well yeah. You don't have to mow the grass this way.”

Writer Lady glares at Tinkletoes.

“That is the stupidest most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.”

“And what's that back there for?” Writer Lady asks pointing to the barb wire fence that had been set up between the street and her yard line.

“That's to keep unwanted...critters out.”

“That wire goes up six feet! How many critters are six feet tall?”

“Bears?” Tinkletoes asks.

“There are no bears in this part of the state. That fence is dangerous. There are children in this neighborhood.”

“There might be a bear...someday. Or something tall like one.  Besides,a kid will only get near the fence once.”

“What about the child's parents?”

“The parents would only get into it once...they probably aren't that bright if they do.” Tinkletoes says. “Aren't parents supposed to keep kids in the house where they are safe anyway? You know locked up and stuff?”

“Parents shouldn't have to keep kids in the house all the time. Kids should be able to play outside...” Writer Lady gestures to the barbed wire fence, “safely.”

“Oh.” Tinkletoes says, continuing to dig.

“What are all these holes for?” Writer Lady asks.

“The land mines?”

“Land mines?” Writer Lady asks. She looks sadly at what used to be her yard, thinking for a moment, “I don't know what is going on here, but we are not at war. I will not have this mess. Take it down.”

Tinkletoes puts down his hand trowel and stands up to his full height. “It's imperative to your safety that I secure this perimeter. I wouldn't be doing this if it wasn't. Let me finish this.  You go inside and put more clothes on.  I almost saw things.”

“No.”

“No?” Tinkletoes asks. “You're saying 'No'?”

“That's exactly what I'm saying. This is my house and my yard. If I'm in the type of danger that warrants all of this,” she says gesturing with her hand, “I have a right to know about it.”

Tinkletoes pales slightly and says nothing.

“So...” Writer Lady says, waiting for further explanation, arms folded across her chest.

“There is a big danger. And barb wire fence keeps it out.” Tinkletoes says.

In a puff of smoke everything changes, “Tinkletoes is securing the perimeter to keep Monitor Man from the door.” TP announces giggling and disappears.

Duuude

“That is so wrong.”  Ray exclaims from his end of the line.  “My eyes.   Dude, this picture.”

“Bad huh?”  Tinkletoes asks.

“My eyes are burning.”

“Close the e-mail.”   Tinkletoes instructs.  “You don't want to go blind,” he says laughing to himself.

“Thanks man.”   Ray says.   “That was close.  Things were starting to go...dark. I hope I don't wake up blind tomorrow.”

“Nah, you closed it in plenty of time.”   Tinkletoes says with a grin.

“I hope so man.”   Ray says sounding worried.

A ping sounds in the background.  “Mom just popped up on Facebook, she wants to know what I think.  What do I say?”   Ray asks.

What is that thing Writer Lady says sometimes?  Tinkletoes mutters.

“Less is more?”   A voice calls from behind Tinkletoes' shoulder.

“That's it!  Less is more.   Thanks.”  Tinkletoes says to the voice, returning his attention to to the phone call.  “Ray?   Tell your mom 'less is more'.”

“Duuude.   Mom wearing any less would be a bad thing.  A really bad thing”

Tinkletoes hears Ray typing in the background.

“I told my mom she looks prettier when she has more clothes on. Mom, don't be mad, mom?  Mom?  You always told me not to use that word.  MOM?”

Tinkletoes just listens, shaking his head.  Tinkletoes' phone lights up with a text message.

Look at the picture man. Mom doesn't believe me.  Ray.

Tinkletoes looks at the picture.  The mercenary sucks in his breath.  Closing his eyes, he raises his hand to his head and pinches the bridge of his nose until his eyes tear up.

“My, that's a vivid picture.”  A voice says from behind Tinkletoes' shoulder.

“Did you look at the picture?”  Ray asks.

“Yeah, I looked.”

“What do I tell her?”

“I don't know what to tell her.  I'm a guy.  How would I know?”  Tinkletoes says.

“She's stunning.  Tell her she looks stunning.” The voice behind Tinkletoes says. Tinkletoes turns around to see Mural Man on the wall behind him.

Tinkletoes shows Mural Man the picture.   Up close.

“I know.  Tell her she's stunning but that women all over the world are going to be sending pictures just like this one.  A woman like her will stand out even more against those other women if she is more like herself.   Monitor Man is more likely to be interested in a woman that approaches him in a friendly courteous manner instead of a cheap one.”

“Seriously?”  Tinkletoes asks.

Mural Man nods.

“Since I don't have anything better.”  Tinkletoes relays Mural Man's suggestion adding something of his own. “Ray, tell your mom I said that nuns are totally sexy.”

“Duuude.  Great idea.”  Ray says typing. “Mom says, thanks for the compliment and the advice.  She also says that getting turned on by nuns sounds kind of creepy and you may want to get some help with that.”

“I didn't mean it like that.   It's supposed to make her want to put on more clothes.”

“I know man.  She didn't get it.  Thanks for helping me tonight Tinkletoes you really saved my butt.  If you ever need anything just let me know.”

“Yeah.”

“Seriously anything at all, like setting up the games so you win on gaming night, talking to you in the middle of the night when you can't sleep, bringing you cheese puffs.  Anything you need man.”

“That's why I called.  I need your help with something.”  Tinkletoes says.  No one answers.  “Ray?”  Still nothing.  “He hung up on me.  I can't believe he hung up on me.”  Tinkletoes dials Ray's number.  “Ray.”

“Dude. Long time no see.”

“Ray...it's me Tink.”

“Wow...you sound totally different than the last time we spoke.  Have you been working out?”

“We just talked Ray.   2.5 minutes ago.  I sound completely different than I did 2.5 minutes ago?”

“What can I say?  Life moves fast.”

Drawers can be heard opening and closing.

“I can't find my cheese puffs.”

“Look in the trash.”  Tinkletoes says.

“Found it.  The bag is empty.   Bummer. Wait a minute, how did you know that?” Ray asks.

“We were just on the phone with each other.”

“Okay.”

“You don't remember? We were talking about Monitor Man being single again. He wants Writer Lady.  I need you to help me hide the news clip from Writer Lady.”

“Oh yeah.”   Ray answers.  “If she found out Writer Lady would totally dump you.”

“Let's not let that happen.”   Tinkletoes says.

“I will take a look.”  Ray says, freakishly fast typing can be heard going on the background.

“What I need you to do is hack into the website that posted this clip and lock it up so no one can access it.”  Tinkletoes instructs.

“Can't.”

“Why not?”

“This has been posted and re-posted all over the place.   It's gone...viral.  I have some good news.  There are 576,892 women out there that swear they are Monitor Man's mystery lady.   None of them look anything like Writer Lady.”

“Is he serious?”  Mural Man asks.

Tinkletoes nods.

“Ray, it's the Internet anyone can say anything they want.  It doesn't mean it's true.”

“Sure it is.”

“Ray, I'm not the best with history but I'm sure Abraham Lincoln did not invent the cheese puff.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“What about tortilla chips?”

“He didn't invent those either.”

“Whoa...”

“I'm sorry Ray.”

“This is a tough blow but I can handle it.”

“About Writer Lady...”

“I'm looking at pictures of his past girlfriends and I don't think you have anything to worry about.”

“I'm not worried Ray.  I want the threat neutralized.”  Tinkletoes says.

“Duuude.  No way man.”

“I mean I want the footage put where Writer Lady won't see it.”

Ray continues typing.  “All of the tags have Monitor Man somewhere in the name.  Let me check Writer Lady's computer.  Do we still have access to her history?”

Mural Man looks at Tinkletoes with surprise.  Tinkletoes turns his head away and whispers, “Yeah.”

Tinkletoes waits quietly for more information while Mural Man glares in his direction.

“According to Writer Lady's computer she doesn't go to any of the sites you're worried about.    Unless someone leads her to the information she will never know a thing man.  You're perfectly safe.”

“I'm perfectly safe.”  Tinkletoes says.

“You totally overreacted.”

“I overreacted.”

“She might run into someone who tells her about it.  But here?   You have nothing to worry about unless he shows up at the door or something.”

“You're right Ray.   Everything is going to be just fine."   Tinkletoes looks from left to right.   "As soon as I secure the perimeter.”

Of Murals and Monitor Man

Tinkletoes enters the bonus room to find Mural Man in his loincloth sashaying and gyrating to some...something.   He turns his head away from whatever Mural Man is doing and looks around the room.  As a flash of vibrant color penetrates his field of vision, Tinkletoes watches the bright clothing dance along the wall over to where Mural Man is um...doing his thing.   The salsa dress is stunning and the woman being enveloped by it captivating with long auburn hair and glowing amber eyes.  She is tall and willowy.  Tinkletoes has to remember why he came into the room.  The music changes to a salsa that ricochets off the walls in time with party lights bringing him back to his mission. Just as the dancing woman reaches Mural Man, Tinkletoes coughs.

“May I help you?”  The woman asks as both she and Mural Man look at Tinkletoes unhappy with the interruption.

“You're supposed to be quiet at night. Writer Lady has an agreement with House.”

“I am she.”   The woman says.

“You're House?  I thought the house was House.” Tinkletoes says.

“I am.”

“How can you be on the wall dancing then?”

“TP.  TP created a one dimensional rendering of my personality so that Mural Man and I could... interact.”  House answers gazing at her dance partner.  Mural Man looks at her adoringly.

“Wow.   You look. Wow.”  Tinkletoes says.

“Yes.  Thank you.”  House responds.   “Is that all?”

“So I need to know when you're going to turn the music down, so I can tell Writer Lady.”

“We have no plans to turn it down in the immediate future.”

Tinkletoes points to the window.  “It's nighttime.  It's dark out.”

House glares at Tinkletoes, stepping away from Mural Man, she sighs, “We are merely enjoying the time we lost earlier today when Writer Lady, Carp, TP and yourself were congregating in our space.”

“We weren't in here that long.”   Tinkletoes says.

“Then this won't take very long will it?”  The music starts up again.  House and Mural Man pick up where they left off.

Tinkletoes stands where he is and waits.   He studies the murals as they dance. So happy and oblivious to everything around them.

The song ends.  House claps her hands, the party lights go off and the lights come back on. “There! Happy?”  She shouts, leaving the room in a huff.

“Very. Thank you.”   Tinkletoes says grinning.

Mural Man sits down.   As well as any one dimensional painting can. “So.”   He says.

“So.  You're the mural.”  Tinkletoes says.

“Yep.”

“You look just like Monitor Man?”  Tinkletoes asks.

“That's what they tell me.”

“House seems to like you a lot.”

“I'm Monitor Man, well a picture of Monitor Man.  What's not to like?”

“I only met him once, there was a war.  I killed way more Ninja Zombies than he did.”

Mural Man nods.  Then silence.

Tinkletoes looks in the direction of the main house and Writer Lady.  “What is it about Monitor Man that the ladies seem to like so much?”

Mural Man thinks for a minute, grinning he says, “He's a lover not a fighter.”

“What's he got that I don't?  I'm looking at you Mural Man I'm thinking we look a lot alike.”

“Really?”  Mural Man asks.

“Well yeah.”

House returns to the bonus room, “You're still here?”

“Yes he is.” Mural Man answers House.  “We were talking.  He says he thinks we look a lot alike.   He wonders what Monitor Man has that he doesn't.  Do you think we look alike?”

House starts to open her mouth in protest.  She looks at Mural Man, then at Tinkletoes. “Possibly.  If you were cleaned up, put in an excellent costume.  Yes Tinkletoes, you could be mistaken for Monitor Man, in a dark alley by a blind person.”

TP pops in the room in front of Tinkletoes, “You scream like a girl.”  The faerie giggles and disappears in a puff of smoke.

“And Monitor Man doesn't?  I fought in a war with him.   A guy like that, he totally screams like a girl.  I'll prove it.”  Tinkletoes says pulling his phone out of his pocket he starts searching the Internet for confirmation. “See here it is.” Tinkletoes says, he walks across the room and leans against the wall between them so the murals can see what he found.

There it was, Monitor Man running out of a haunted obstacle course nearly running over the children in front of him and screaming loudly.

“Just like a girl.”   Tinkletoes says beaming.  “Waaaay louder than I screamed.”

The man holding the camera stops Monitor Man to ask him if he knew he screamed that way. The actor looked right at the camera and said, “Of course, I do that on purpose.  Studies show that if you are already scared and someone behind you screams, you'll scream too.  Even louder than the person behind you.” Monitor Man grins.   “I like to read psychology sometimes between takes.” He grins bigger, his eye twinkles.

House glares at Tinkletoes.   “He sounds like a really smart guy.”

“He's used to being in the public eye. It's probably some canned answer he keeps hidden away for this type of moment.”

“You think he goes to haunted houses and scary movies enough that he needs a canned answer to explain his girlish screams?”  House asks.

“Well, yeah.”

Tinkletoes pulls up another embarrassing piece of footage to share with Mural Man.

“What's this all about?”  House asks.

TP pops back in the room. “Tinkletoes likes Writer Lady.  He wants her attention. Tinkletoes is jeal-ous...” The faerie sings out.

“That's not it.”  Tinkletoes tries to argue.

“If Writer Lady likes Tinkletoes he thinks he won't have to buy her a new lawn mower too.  Silly human.  It's not going to work.  Tinkletoes will pay!  Pay over and over.”   TP says giggling.

House glares at Tinkletoes.

“What?”

“You wonder why I don't like you.”  She says.  “First thing mercenary, you have to decide what your first priority is Writer Lady's love or not having to buy that lawn mower.”

“Can't I have both?”   Tinkletoes asks.

“If Writer Lady is your priority,” House says pointing to Tinkletoes' search results.  “Keep watching Monitor Man.  Watch and learn soldier.  Watch and learn.”

“What can he teach me? Besides, it doesn't matter how many women want him he has a girlfriend.   I heard him say it.  More than once.”

“He can teach you how to get a girlfriend, moron.”  House says, pointing to an item on the phone.  “TP” she calls.  The item is immediately called up on Tinkletoes' phone.   It is an excerpt from an entertainment news show.   It was recorded the day before.

There are two female anchors sitting at a desk in front of a colorful set.  Large movie posters and pictures of actors and actresses are posted behind them.   A large “Hollywood” sign hangs above the posters.

Attention Ladies Hollywood's sexiest hottie is single again.  Monitor Man has recently broken up with his long time girlfriend, Incredibly Hot Woman. But if you want him you're going to have to act fast.  He already has someone he's interested in.  When we give you this scoop you will be shocked.   Stay tuned...

Everyone waits for more information.  The show picks up where it left off, cutting straight to an interview with Monitor Man.

“So Monitor Man what kind of woman has caught your eye?  She must be something to draw your attention from Incredibly Hot Woman. Which rising starlet is it?  Give us a hint.”  The interviewer asks.

“I won't give you any names.  I want to respect her privacy.   Besides, I don't even know if she would like a guy like me.” Monitor Man grins. “I will tell you this she's bright, funny and independent.  Oh and kind of spunky.”

Tinkletoes runs a hand across his mouth.  “It's her.   It's Writer Lady.  He likes Writer Lady.   If she sees this I have no chance.   She can't see this.”  Tinkletoes sends an e-mail with footage from the entertainment show attached and the message, “Call me after you've seen this.  Tink.”

Ten minutes later the phone rings.

“Duuuuuuude.”

“Thanks for calling Ray.”

“So what's up man?” Ray asks.

“Do you remember the story I told you about the Ninja Zombie war?  The actor guy?”

“Sure.”   There are munching noises in the background.   “That guy is super hot. You are so lucky he had a girlfriend or I'll bet Writer Lady would have run off with him.”

“The attachment in the e-mail I just sent you? That's the guy.”  Tinkletoes says.

“Duude, the guy in the video...he's single.”

“He wasn't during the war.”

“You fought in a war side by side with Monitor Man?  Duuude.  That is so cool.” Ray says.  The munching continues.

“Writer Lady and Monitor Man fought side by side.   I was at the other end of the hall doing the real damage.   That doesn't matter.  What matters is, he's single now.  He said he is already looking at someone.  He's looking at Writer Lady.  My Writer Lady.”

“Just a sec.  I have to send this attachment to my mom.  She thinks Monitor Man is so...hot.   She's been really bummed since that other dude got married.”

“No!  Don't spread that thing around.  I don't want Writer Lady to find out.”

“Sorry man but Mom would totally kick my ass if she found out I knew about this and I didn't tell her.  I'd never eat again.”  Ray says, crunching on something loudly.  “The cheese puffs are gone.”  He says crumpling up the bag. “I love cheese puffs.   This really sucks.”

“Ray.  I need you to focus.”

“My phone's beeping.  Just a sec.”

Tinkletoes paces and waits for Ray to return to the line.

“Duuude.  My mom is freaking out!   She's going for it!   She's just sure she's going to get Monitor Man's attention.   She said he just needs an experienced woman to love him.   Old ladies are so cute.”

“Ray.  I just need you to do one thing for me.”

“Mom just sent me an e-mail.   She says she's going to send Monitor Man a special picture and wait for his call.  She wants me to look at it first.”

Tinkletoes rubs a hand down his face and paces some more.

“No way.  No Way.   No Waaaaay.”

Smokin' Hot Super Stud

“Very Funny.” Tinkletoes says standing up and brushing himself off. As he closes the back door, Carp hands him a towel. “Do you think she heard?” He whispers.

TP pops into the room and says, “Carp, Writer Lady wants to know if you and your girlfriend want to join us for pizza.” TP giggles.

Tinkletoes hangs his head.

“There's your answer.” Carp says and turns to TP. “Yes we'll be there in a few minutes.” TP disappears in a puff of smoke.

“Relax. It will be a fun joke tonight then it will be forgotten about completely.”

“No.” Tinkletoes shakes his head. “That's it. I officially have no chance with her. Writer Lady will never see me as the smokin' hot, virile, super stud that I am now.”

“Super Stud?”

“Yeah, something wrong with that?”

“I'm just having trouble picturing that.” Carp says.

“I don't think I like you trying to picture it.” Tinkletoes says. “I'm a Super Stud Dammit!”

“Okay.” Carp turns his head away for a second to stifle his laughter.

“I have to make sure she doesn't forget it.” Tinkletoes says.

“Are you sure she's noticed?” Carp asked.

“Oh yeah, she's noticed.” Tinkletoes answers. “I can feel it.”

“This isn't a Star Wars movie we're living in here.”

Tinkletoes jerks his head up. “Don't disrespect the SW unless you wanna rumble.”

“No.”

Tinkletoes leans in close. “Darth Vader is real. One word from me and he will totally put the hurt on you.” Tinkletoes whispers. “Capesh?”

Carp nods.

“That's not what I was talking about though. I was referring to my Super Stud Sense. A man knows these things. I have to remind Writer Lady of how hot I am, make her forget about today's incident.”

Writer Lady's voice can be heard calling from the kitchen. “Pizza's ready! If you two love birds don't stop making out there won't be any left.”

“This is going to be a long night.” Carp says.

“There you two are. You almost missed out.” Writer Lady is standing by the stove keeping watch over the last four pieces. “You need to hurry. Dylan has come in twice already hoping to hear that you aren't hungry.”

“Where is everyone?” Tinkletoes asks.

“In the living room watching TV.”

Tinkletoes grins at Carp. Carp gets a plate and quickly takes custody of his two pieces leaving the room. “Thanks for the food.” Tinkletoes says pulling out his most dazzling smile.

“You're welcome. There would have been some bar-b-q but I was worried, came home early, and forgot to bring leftovers.”

“No, really. This is great.” Tinkletoes takes a step forward standing in Writer's Lady's space. “You are an amazing woman. Have I ever told you that before?”

“Thank you. You still have to replace the lawn mower.” Writer Lady answers.

“Will do. Pretty lady. Will do.” Tinkletoes smiles again. Taking his plate, he turns around and heads into the living room.

TP pops into the kitchen next to Writer Lady's shoulder.

“What was that about?” Writer Lady asks.

Stifling a laugh TP shakes his head and pops back out of the room.

Tinkletoes sits down next to Carp. “I have got it going on.” He says.

Carp looks at Tinkletoes and waits for more information.

“I turned up the heat in there a little. Poor woman. She never knew what hit her.”

“Did she take you in her arms right there in the kitchen? Pin you against the stove and take advantage of you? Did you leave her in the corner drooling and tearing at her clothes? What happened?”

“She said, 'You still have to replace the lawn mower.' She said it without yelling or hitting me. I was in her space. If she wasn't hot for me she would have hurt me.”

Carp rolls his eyes.

“What she doesn't know is this isn't over. I'm just getting started.”

“Really?”

“Of course, I just laid the foundation. I have to turn up the heat now. That's the only way the concrete is going to set.”

“You know, there are children here.” Carp points out.

“That's what bedtime is for. I think I need to go help with the dishes.” Tinkletoes says standing up. “Here let me take that for you.” He says taking Carp's plate and pizza.

“I'm not finished.” Carp says grabbing his pizza at the last second. “We used paper plates. There are no dishes.” He says to Tinkletoes' back.

“No.” Writer Lady says.

“No?”

“We used paper plates. The pizza came in a box. There are no dishes. So the answer is 'No' there is nothing you can help me with.”

“How about the trash can? I'll bet it's full. I'll just take that out for you.” Tinkletoes says walking over to the can. “It's empty.”

“I took it out already.” Writer Lady says.

Tinkletoes looks around for something to do. The kitchen is immaculate. He finds a well lit spot in Writer Lady's line of site. Yawning, Tinkletoes stretches, raising his arms up over his head. “It's been a long day. I'm tired.” Bringing his arms down slowly he starts flexing things. Writer Lady yawns and closes her eyes.

“Look...dammit...look!” Tinkletoes says.

“Did you say something?”

“No?”

“It must be House and Mural Man. We have an agreement about the noise level at night, they must have forgotten again. I'll go check on them.”

“Let me do that.” Tinkletoes volunteers.

“Are you sure? House doesn't like you much.”

“She's a lot happier since she met Mural Man. There won't be a problem.”

Writer Lady looks at Tinkletoes doubtingly.

“No. Really. I've got this.”

Screaming Like A Girl

“This storm is nothing. Says the man who just shot a lawn mower to bits.” Carp says.

“It wasn't a very dependable model.” Tinkletoes says. “I did that woman a favor.”

A thunderous crash sounds directly overhead.

“Holy Crap.” Tinkletoes says.

“Someone disagrees.” TP says giggling.

“Writer Lady's right.” Carp says. “It's safer in the house.”

“We're fine here. It's just a little storm.”

There is a louder crash and the flash outside brightens everything within the shed.

“Whoa.” Tinkletoes exclaims.

The unmistakable sound of hail beating on the roof of the shed begins. It's coming down hard and fast.

“I'm going to the house.” Carp says.

“Too late now. It's hailing.” Tinkletoes says.

Carp opens the shed door. “It's only pea size right now.” Carp looks at the sky still dark and heavy. “In another ten minutes, those clouds are going let loose and this time it's going to be the big stuff. Let's go while we still can.”

“I'm not getting stuck in that house with her. Not the way she's carrying on. You go ahead.” Tinkletoes says. “I'll see you in ten minutes. When the whole mess has blown out of here.”

“I'm warning you, staying in here is a bad idea.” Carp says watching the hail fall, “It's slowing down out there.”

“I've been warned. Now go.” Tinkletoes answers.

Carp sets out across the yard as tiny hail falls around him intermittently.

Tinkletoes looks at TP, “You too. Get going.”

“TP stay. TP wants to see Tinkletoes go Boom!” The faerie giggles.

“Go back to the house.” Tinkletoes says.

The faerie disappears in a puff of smoke and Tinkletoes closes the shed door just as the storm sirens go off.

“The sirens always go off when the storm is over. In ten minutes Carp will be apologizing to me.” Tinkletoes says, setting the alarm on his watch.

Entering through the back door, Carp finds Writer Lady waiting inside with warm dry towels and inquiring looks. She gives Carp a towel and helps brush the random hailstones off.

“Tinkletoes is staying in the shed.”

“What?”

“He says that the storm is not that bad, he's not coming out.”

“That's what he thinks.” Writer Lady says stepping past Carp.

“What are you going to do?”

“Well..I'm going to...”

“He doesn't want to talk to you right now.” Carp says.

“He doesn't have to talk to me, he just has to come into the house.”

Listening intently, giggling at the silliness of humans and their behavior, TP says. “I can make Tinkletoes come into the house.”

Carp and Writer Lady look at the faerie.

“But only if TP can make big noise.”

Ten minutes later, the alarm beeps. “Not another clap of thunder. Not a single drop of rain. I'm right again.” Tinkletoes says, reaching to turn off the watch. “I guess I better open the door so he can come back in.” Standing up, Tinkletoes reaches for the door just as an ominous growl comes from directly above his head. “That doesn't sound good.” The rumbling grows louder. Tinkletoes pushes the door open slightly to find much heavier and darker clouds above. The clouds begin swirling slowly in a counter clockwise direction. Increasing speed as the clouds come closer together. The rumbles grow louder. The wind picks up, increasing the spinning of the clouds.

“It just got ugly.” Tinkletoes says sitting back in the corner of the shed watching the door. “I'm thinking I got three options. Sit here and wait to die. Shoot myself, sit here, and wait to die.”

The sound of the wind grows louder like a train coming at the shed at full speed. It lifts the shed and drops it back down repeatedly, making the windows rattle, and the roof creak.

“Or I can die running for the house.”

Wheels turn. There is a ping! “All this sitting around is for the birds anyway.” Tinkletoes stands to his full height, brushes himself off and runs stopping in the yard long enough to glare at the tornado and flip it the bird.

TP's voice can be heard surrounding Tinkletoes. “Silly human.” The tornado changes direction, heading straight for the self-proclaimed mercenary he turns tail and runs for the house sliding through the open back door, screaming like a girl.

The moment Tinkletoes slides into home the tornado disappears, the rumbles go silent. Only light gray clouds are in the sky.  Birds start singing. Tinkletoes looks at Dobby who is sitting in front of him on a stack of storage containers, grins for a second, and drops his head back down on the floor. The ginger tabby reaches over and licks the mercenary on the end of his nose.

Reaching up to pet the cat, “Hey buddy, good to see you. I missed you.” Tinkletoes says.

“That wasn't so hard now was it?” Writer Lady comments handing Carp a First Aid Kit, some clean towels, and leaving the room.

Taking the supplies and putting them down on a nearby table Carp looks at Tinkletoes closely waiting for his moment.

“Amazing.” Carp says.

“What's amazing?” Tinkletoes asks.

“My mind must be playing tricks on me because I saw you come sliding in through the back door but I could have sworn a heard some girl screaming.”

Big Noise

Tinkletoes takes a step back and holds up his hands.

“I'm putting alarms all over this thing. So don't even think about taking this back after I go to bed.” Writer Lady says as she takes the ammo bag into the house.

“She always makes me leave before she goes to bed. What does she think, I'm going to pick the lock or something?” Tinkletoes mutters to himself. Turning to Carp he says, “I told you that woman has a mean streak.”

“You shot up her shed and her lawn mower. What did you think she was going to do console you with sweet words and fresh cookies?” Carp answers.

“Sweet words. From her?” Tinkletoes says. “Some warm cookies would have been nice though.”

A window opens, “A working lawn mower would be nice too. But I don't have that. Do I?” Writer Lady yells and slams the window back down.

“Fix the shed. I personally would replace both the shed and the lawn mower. Then she'll give you your stuff back.” Carp says.

“It's the Fourth of July. After 4 p.m. Nothing is open. Besides I just used the last of my savings on a new...”

“Another light saber? You have five. What are you going to do with six?”

“This is a custom design. My best one yet. I can sell it some day. Besides the display doesn't look right. Three on one side, two on the other. It's crooked.”

“You don't have to buy a sixth light saber to fix that. Take the number three saber and center it underneath both of the rows with two sabers in them. Or you can just leave it like it is. Asymmetrical designs can catch the eye more quickly and be more visually interesting.”

“What are you a decorator now?” Tinkletoes asks.

“No, but I've hired a few.” Carp answers.

“For a minute I thought we were going to have to go on a scavenger hunt...for your manhood.” Tinkletoes says laughing. “I'd be happy if we could just find some duct tape.”

A roll of duct tape sails past Tinkletoes' head. A second one flies directly at him. He catches it, pulling it away from his face he says “thanks,” looking up to see Writer Lady glaring at him.

“That's only temporary until you replace the shed,” she says slamming the back door.

“I don't know why she's so mad. It was my Fourth of July that got ruined.”

The natural light in the yard grows darker. Looking up at the gray clouds moving in, “It looks like it's going to rain. Let's get these holes covered.” Carp says.

“Cover the outside of the shed first, then inside. That way we can keep going even if it starts raining.” Tinkletoes finishes.

Both men cross the yard duct tape and utility knives in hand to begin their work. The work goes quickly. The storm moves in more quickly. The air grows heavy, heat lightning fills the sky. The wind picks up making working with tape and knife difficult.

“It's too windy out here. Let's work inside.” Tinkletoes calls to Carp. Both men go into the metal shed closing the door behind them as lightning strikes in the sky over their heads. It begins to rain. There is another sound mixed in with the rain, wind and lightning.

“Do you hear something?” Carp asks.

Tinkletoes stops and listens. “There's a beeping noise.” Tinkletoes says and continues working.

A bright red light starts blinking in a darkened corner on the opposite side of the shed. It grows brighter with every blink.

“Um...Tink. Did you forget something?” Carp asks.

Tinkletoes looks at Carp and waits for more information.

“That light doesn't go to some explosive device or something does it?”

“No. I only have grenades. I have my eye on a rocket launcher...”

“What is that blinking then?” Carp asks.

“I don't know. Go look.” Tinkletoes says.

“You're the veteran. You go look.”

“I got thrown out of the munitions program before they got to that part. You borrow one jeep and a rocket launcher they just get all bent out of shape.” Tinkletoes says shaking his head. “Some people just don't get it. I learn by doing.”

“Who's going to check this thing out?” Carp asks.

Both men stare at the blinking light.

“BOOM! You're dead!” TP screams out, giggling when both men hit the deck covering their heads. “Silly humans.” TP continues giggling.

“Damn it TP!” Tinkletoes yells.

“No bad words. Shame. Shame.” TP says shaking his finger. “The Fourth of July is for making big noises. TP made a big noise.”

“TP's going to be a little spot of goo on the bottom of my boot if he does it again.” Tinkletoes says sitting up.

“Tinkletoes made a big mess. He's cranky.” TP says looking at Carp.

“That happens when someone takes all of your toys away.” Carp says winking at TP.

“What do you want TP?” Tinkletoes asks.

“Writer Lady sends a message. Bad storms. When there is lightning in the sky metal sheds are not safe. She says to come inside.”

“Did she run out of people to yell at?” Tinkletoes asks.

“No. Writer Lady is concerned for your safety. You must come inside.”

Both men stand up. Walking across the shed and opening the door Tinkletoes, Carp, and TP look outside. The sky is dark as night, illuminated fully by large bursts of lightning. Both men take hold of the door to keep it from blowing open completely. Closing the door and stepping further inside Tinkletoes says, “Writer Lady's worried about this? This is nothing. We're perfectly safe.”

It Hits The Fan

“Has your grandma always been like that?” Carp asks.

“My whole life.” Tinkletoes says.

“Sorry Man. But that explains a lot. No wonder you have such messed up ideas about women.”

“That's Grandma. She's not a woman.” Tinkletoes says shaking his head he walks across the yard to inspect the damaged shed more closely.

Carp follows Tinkletoes into the shed.

“What do you think we should do to fix this?” Tinkletoes asks sticking his finger through one of the shed's numerous holes.

“Of course she's a woman. If she's not a man, she has to be a woman.” Carp responds.

Tinkletoes rolls his eyes and holds up one hand, counting off non-male categories. “Moms, Grandmas, Sisters, Teacher-Aunts and Women.”

“Teacher-Aunts?” Carp asks.

“Teachers and Aunts?” Tinkletoes says. “I figured this stuff out when I was four. Get with the program buddy.” He says patting Carp on the back.

“Not all teachers are women.” Carp says. “Besides, shouldn't Teachers and Aunts be on separate fingers?”

“Not when you're four. I always had a snake, lizard, or my favorite car in the other hand. I wasn't about to put that down.” Tinkletoes explains. “What about duct tape? We can cover the holes with that. Both sides of the holes. A coat of paint on the outside...”

“In all this time you've never felt compelled to change your system?” Carp asks.

“No. Why?”

“Because they are all women.”

“No. A woman dresses pretty, smells nice, and shares her cookies.” Tinkletoes says.

“That's your description of a woman?” Carp asks.

“Yes. I...”

“Let me guess you came up with that when you were four too.”

Tinkletoes nods proudly.

“Things have changed a lot since we were four Tinkletoes. There's a lot more to being a woman than looking pretty and smelling nice. Don't you think it's time to change your definition?” Carp asks.

Tinkletoes moves around the shed in search of duct tape. “If it ain't broke, don't fix it.” Tinkletoes says. “My definition ain't broke.”

“You have no idea how messed up your thinking is do you?”

“So. Duct tape over the holes?”

“Tink. You destroyed the shed. You have to replace the shed.”

“She has another one right there.” Tinkletoes says pointing the towards the other shed.

“You still have to replace the shed.”

Tinkletoes stares at Carp pointing at the other shed.

“Fine. Tape over the holes and paint it. Buy yourself some time. You'll still owe her a new shed. What are you going to do about the lawn mower?” Carp asks.

“I was thinking...duct tape?”

Exiting the shed, Tinkletoes and Carp stand in the yard and look at the mower. It is riddled with bullet holes. Patches of metal are missing from the mower's brightly colored shell.

Standing next to the mower is Writer Lady. Her eyes large, face pale with shock at the sight of the lifeless machine that used to be her lawn mower. “My mower. What happened to my mower?” She asks.

“It's kind of a long story.” Carp says.

“The lawn mower. You shot up the lawn mower.” Writer Lady says. “Why?”

“We got permission from Mr. Donut and the others to have the shooting range. The men decided they wanted to watch. Participate too.”

Writer Lady slowly lowers herself to her knees looking at her mower with sadness. “But why?” She asks.

“Mr. Donut well he found Tinkletoes' Uzi.”

“Mr. Donut came outside?” Writer Lady asks.

“Tinkletoes was teaching Mr. Donut about the gun. It accidentally went off.” Carp lowers his voice and turning his head says quickly. “A few hundred times.”

“But the mower was in the shed.” Writer Lady says. Realizing what must have happened she stands up and looks around Tinkletoes and Carp to check the condition of the shed. “What the...?”

“Try not to get too upset.” Carp says. “We're going to fix this. Tinkletoes already has a plan to fix it.” Carp smiles nervously.

Writer Lady moves her gaze from the shed to Carp then Tinkletoes. She looks back at the shed. At Tinkletoes. “You...” She says to Tinkletoes. “You did this. You were supposed to have a plan, fail safes, the help of a faerie. Where was TP when all of this was happening?”

“Things were going so good. I kind of...gave him the day off.” Tinkletoes says looking everywhere except at Writer Lady's face.

“You gave him the day off?”

“Well. Yeah.” Tinkletoes responds.

“That's great. That's just great. Was anyone hurt?” Writer Lady asks her voice shaking with anger.

“No Ma'am.”

“Thank goodness for that.” Writer Lady says starting to turn towards the door to the house.

Tinkletoes lets out the breath he was holding.

Abruptly turning around and pointing to the lawn mower Writer Lady says, “You're going to fix this.” Pointing to the shed she says, “You're going to fix all of this” gesturing to both casualties with her finger. “Now.”

Once again, she starts to walk to the house. Looking down Writer Lady sees Tinkletoes' ammo bag. Squatting, she looks at what's inside. “Brought the entire arsenal with you today?” she asks.

“Pretty much.” Tinkletoes says. “Impressive isn't it?”

Writer Lady looks at Tinkletoes then looks into the bag. She looks back up at Tinkletoes, “Yes I have to say it is very impressive,” giving him a bright, sexy smile. Fluidly rising from her spot ammo bag in hand.

Tinkletoes steps forward to grab the bag from her stopping only when a taser is inches away from his face.

“Don't even think about it soldier boy.”

If You Kill It You Gotta Eat It

Tinkletoes and Carp slowly raise their heads listening for any unusual sounds, sniffing the air for smoke, looking for flickers of flame. There was nothing. They rise, helping Mr. Donut get up after they do.

“It's okay. The rest of you can get up now.” Tinkletoes calls to the elderly men at the south end of the yard.

They rise, slowly. Helping each other as needed.

“That's a lot of bullet holes.” Mr. Morely says.

“Sure is.” One of his companions agrees.

“A shame.”

Comments continue to sprinkle through the yard.

“That was a damn fine shed too.”

“What a waste.”

“I hope there wasn't any gasoline in there.” Carp says.

“She stores that in the other shed.” Tinkletoes says. Looking at Mr. Donut he says, “Well Sweets that was your first time with an Uzi. Let's see what you caught.”

Carp makes his way over to the shed's remains. Walking up the ramp he opens the door and disappears inside. He emerges pushing Writer Lady's lawn mower. “I've got good news and I've got bad news.” Carp says, “The good news is nothing punctured the gas tank. You two managed to destroy this mower without a single explosion.”

“And...” Tinkletoes says.

“I have a question for you Tinkletoes. How would you like it?”

“How would I like what?”

“How would you two like to eat this shed and lawn mower?” Carp asks. “If you kill it you gotta eat it. That's your rule isn't it?”

Mr. Donut pales, “I can't eat that stuff. I'm an old man.”

“Don't worry Sweets no one is eating metal.” Tinkletoes says. “Very funny Carp. Ha. Ha.”

“Sweets?” A voice calls.

“Busted.” A random voice is heard from the back of the yard.

“Sweets. Sweets Donut. Is that you?” A woman's voice calls from behind the recently deceased shed. She appears on the far side of the yard directly across from Tinkletoes and Mr. Donut. The new arrival is a tall woman. She is wearing thick glasses and a stern expression. The yard becomes quiet. The song of birds in the trees is barely audible. The dark blue t-shirt that says “Happy Birthday America” on it and matching capris are the complete opposite to her expression.

“Jean?” Mr. Donut asks.

“Yeah. Let me take a better look at you.” Jean says taking a few steps closer. “It's you alright. You look a little thinner. That's to be expected. It's good to see you came outside, about time.”

“I know.” Mr. Donut mutters.

“A 94 year old man wallowing like that. Your daddy would have had your hide for such behavior. Men these days...” Jean says, looking closely at Tinkletoes, “they've all gone too soft.”

Tinkletoes pales at the older woman's scrutiny and looks at the ground.

“Now that you're outside, I've been meaning to have a few words with you.”

“This isn't really the best time.” Mr. Donut says.

“The thing is I've been waiting 47 years to have this conversation. I really don't care if it's a good time. Y'all better sits your butts down.” Jean says looking at the group assembled in Writer Lady's backyard, “This could take a while.”

Carp and Tinkletoes double time it into the second shed to retrieve lawn chairs. When everyone is safely and comfortably seated in a semi-circle around Jean the real fun starts.

“Sweets Donut. Who said you could sit down?” Jean asks. “Stand up. Now. First of all I want you to know I never liked you. Most people know that. It's not like it's a secret or anything. I have not liked you since we were in school. What most people don't know is not only have I not liked you but I feel that way for a good reason. You Sweets Donut broke the heart of my best friend. If I had my way you would have been horse whipped years ago.”

Mr. Donut stands there in stunned silence.

“Do you remember Frances? Frances Morely?” Jean asks.

Sweets looks over at Mr. Morely.

“Francie did have a crush on you in school. I thought you knew that.” Mr. Morely says to Sweets.

“That's what I thought too.” Jean says. “It's a crush it will pass. She'll meet somebody. That will be the end of it. It wasn't. She lived a spinster's life happily. Wanting to be ready to marry when you were. She waited. Through her youth, when she was still young enough to have a family because she wanted to be with you even more. After all that time, over twenty years, you up and married Clara. Breaking her heart.”

“I didn't know. She married Kip, we continued seeing each other at dinners, bar-b-ques, picnics. She has always been pleasant...she makes the best pound cake I've ever had.” Sweets says.

“She made that pound cake for you.” Jean says.

“All this time?”

“In 1934, the year you and Mo graduated from the local school Francie made a pound cake for the dessert table. It was the first cake she baked all by herself. She was proud to bring it to her big brother's party. You said you loved it. When she fell for you a few years later she started making that pound cake, taking it to parties you would both be at hoping you would notice her.”

“I never did.”

“I'm surprised you noticed the pound cake you...you dunce! As for her marrying Kip, she never would have married Kip if I hadn't of pushed her. That was my fault. Anyway, Kip died. Clara passed a couple of years ago. When that happened I promised myself I would do what I could to try to help Frances. So!” Jean exclaims making everyone in the yard jump in their seats. “Here I am helping.” Jean leans in and looks Sweets in the eye “Stay Here!” she instructs. Turning around she heads over the shed. “Come on Francie let's go. You been waitin' your entire life for this don't leave now.” Jean says gently. “Get over here. Now. I don't want to have to drag your ass. Come on. Come on. That's good.” Jean reappears from behind the shed with a petite woman with big dark eyes and a weak smile. The pale flowered dress she is wearing looks just as timid as she is.   Francis is a holding plate in her hands which are shaking.

The two women are a sight making their way across the lawn. A study in large and small, loud and quiet, sturdy and fragile.

“Hi.” Sweets says to Frances.

The tiny woman manages to squeak out a return greeting and holds the plate out to him.

“Is this for me?” He asks.

Frances nods.

Sweets lifts the foil from the plate and takes a peek. “Pound cake. I love your pound cake Francie. How did you know?”

Frances smiles.

“You have been seducing me with these pound cakes for decades. I was wondering would you like to go out sometime?” Sweets asks.

Frances nods.

“Okay. I have to say this will go better if you talk.”

Frances nods.

“Can I walk you home?” He asks.

More nodding.

“I guess we'll get to the talking part eventually.” Turning to Jean Sweets says, “Thank you for setting things straight.”

“Thank you for being better than I expected.” Jean says.

Sweets turns to Tinkletoes and Carp. “Thank you both for helping me get out of the house. Start being me again. Playing with the guns and knives was interesting too.”

“You're welcome.” Carp says.

“Do us a favor. Don't do it again.” Tinkletoes says.

Mr. Donut nods, “That will not be a problem. I am happier with my guitar in my hands. It was nice meeting you both.”

“Don't forget Sweets you're one of the guys.” Carp says.

“How does a guy say good-bye then?”

“See you around.” Tinkletoes says.

“See you around.”

With the excitement over, the yard clears out quickly leaving Tinkletoes and Carp alone with Jean.

“This mess is your doing, isn't it young man?” Jean asks.

Tinkletoes studies the ground “Yes Ma'am.”

“I can't believe this. A grown man making a mess like this. If your grandfather were alive...”

“If Grandpa were alive he would've been here too.”

“Don't you talk back to me. I know who I married. Believe me when I say your grandfather would have known better than to set up a shooting range in town. That man was all about safety first. Safety first. Having a party at someone's house when they aren't home. Shooting up their shed...”

Tinkletoes continues studying the ground.

“I won't be telling your mother about this.”

“Thank you Ma'am.” Tinkletoes says looking at Joan.

“I'm going now. Clean up this mess. Don't forget to make amends. Call your mother.”

Jean exits the yard allowing Tinkletoes, Carp and nature to breathe normally again.

“That was your grandma?” Carp asks.

“Yeah. That was her.”

Tinkletoes Does It With His Boots On

“You have rules? For being a guy?” Carp asks.

“Sure. Doesn't everyone?” Tinkletoes answers.

Carp looks at Mr. Donut. Mr. Donut looks at Carp.

Looking back at Tinkletoes, “So what are these rules?” Carp asks.

“Daylight's a burnin'.” Tinkletoes answers.

Carp and Mr. Donut wait.

“We don't have time for this.”

Silence.

“I'll give you a couple while Mr. Donut throws the knife some more. Then we're moving on to the guns.”

Carp and Mr. Donut nod. Pulling another combat knife out of it's sheath Tinkletoes hands it to Mr. Donut. “Take your time, aim.” He instructs.

“Rule One. If you kill it you gotta eat it.”

Mr. Donut throws the knife. It gets lodged in the spot aimed for but only momentarily falling from the trunk seconds later.

“That was good Sweets. Try it again. This time put a little more power into the throw.” Tinkletoes says.

Mr. Donut throws again. This time the knife stays put.

“Rule Two. Be good to your mom. She pushed you out. That shit hurts.” Tinkletoes continues. “No one suffered like my mom but you get the idea.” He takes another knife out of its sheath and hands it to Mr. Donut.

“You are a big man.” Mr. Donut agrees.

“Big baby too.” Tinkletoes says. “The worst part.” He says, unsheathing another knife, Tinkletoes takes the point of the blade and pokes it into the sole of one of his combat booted feet. “I was born wearing boots. Steel toe. The woman never could quite hold her bladder after that.”

Mr. Donut listen intently. Nodding the entire time.

Carp hides his face in his hands.

“Rule Three. Women are the enemy. Never tell them your plans, show them your weaknesses or talk about your feelings. They will use it against you every day for the rest of your life.”

“Doesn't that contradict with rule number two?” Carp asks.

“Mom's not a woman.” Tinkletoes says handing his last knife to Mr. Donut. “I don't know what you're talking about sometimes Carp.”

Mr. Donut throws.

“Perfect.” Tinkletoes says, taking a handgun out of his bag. “This is a handgun. It's a semi-automatic...”

“What else do you have in the bag?” Mr. Donut asks pointing to the bag between them. “Rifles? I'd like to try an M-16. How about an Uzi? Do you have one of those?”

Looking at Tinkletoes, Carp says, “He seemed so quiet at first.”

“This is a semi-automatic.” Tinkletoes continues.

“Hi.” Mr. Morely says coming over from his backyard to where Mr. Donut, Carp and Tinkletoes are standing.

“Hi Mo. Long time no see.” Mr. Donut says.

“Two years. What are you two gentlemen doing today?” Mr. Morely asks.

“This is my new friend Tinkletoes. We're doing Guy Things.” Mr. Donut whispers. “He's got guns, knives and live ammo. It's the Fourth of July. We're making some noise.”

“Really?” Mr. Morely asks, his eyes lighting up.

Mr. Donut nods.

“That does sound fun. Can I play too?” He asks.

“These are live weapons men. We aren't playing around. These are real skills I'm teaching. Survival skills.” Tinkletoes says.

Mr. Donut nods in agreement. “He already taught me how to throw a knife. Brained a squirrel too.” He shares proudly.

“That's pretty nifty if I do say so myself.” Mr. Morely says. “Pret-ty Nif-ty. So may I?” Mr. Morely asks gesturing to the weapons.

Tinkletoes and Carp exchange glances.

“Sure. You can have a turn.” Tinkletoes says.

“I'm going to get changed and call the guys.” Mr. Morely says. “I'll be right back.” He turns around and shuffles back into his house.

“I get all the turns until you get back. So don't hurry.” Mr. Donut says. “No girls allowed!” He calls. “This is man stuff.” Mr. Donut smiles giving Tinkletoes and Carp a wink.

Guiding Carp a few steps away from Mr. Donut, “What just happened here?” Tinkletoes asks.

“I think we just became the chaperones for this town's first ever survival camp for old farts.” Carp says.

Tinkletoes looks at Carp waiting for more information.

“The old men are having a play date. We just got drafted to supervise.” Carp explains again.

A light dawns and Tinkletoes' smile fades.

“But I was gonna...” Tinkletoes says.

“Not anymore.” Carp answers.

“I wanted to...”

“You can't now.”

“What about?” Tinkletoes asks.

“Not gonna happen.” Carp says.

“It's the Fourth of July. It's my Fourth of July.” Tinkletoes points out.

Carp shakes his head.

“Well crap.” Tinkletoes says hanging his head.

“Don't worry Tink.” Carp says patting Tinkletoes on the back, “You'll get 'em next time.”

Turning back around the self-proclaimed mercenary and the assassin in training find Mr. Donut gazing adoringly at an Uzi which is laying across the palms of the 94 year old man's hands. His eyes open wide, face alight with excitement.  He is wearing a huge grin.

“I knew you had an Uzi.” Mr. Donut beams. “I just knew it.”

Tinkletoes and Carp both pale.

“I do.” Tinkletoes says.

Carp leans over to Tinkletoes and whispers, “That isn't loaded is it?”

“It is.”

“Oh no.”

“It's a reconditioned unit I got from a friend. It had too much of a hair trigger for the previous owner. My friend tried to fix it but...”

“He couldn't?”

“So he sold it to me. Because I'm so good with guns. He knew it would be safe with me.” Tinkletoes finishes.

“I know I feel safe right now.” Carp says.

Tinkletoes glares at Carp.

“Sweets, let me tell you a little bit about this gun.” Tinkletoes calls approaching Mr. Donut.

“Pow. Pow. Pow!” Mr. Donut says pointing the Uzi to the tree on the other side of Writer Lady's yard.

Making up the distance Tinkletoes walks around Mr. Donut to come up behind the old man. Covering Mr. Donut's hands with his own he starts teaching him about Uzis. What's different about them. What is dangerous about them.

“Sweets!” Several men call from the farthest reaches of the backyard. Turning to look at them everything moves to the south including the firing end of the Uzi, Mr. Donut accidentally hits the trigger. A rain of bullets can be heard tearing through metal. Everyone ducks.

“Let go of the gun.” Tinkletoes yells over the noise. He and Mr. Donut let go and the gun falls to the ground.

Everyone stares in stunned silence at what used to be Writer Lady's shed.