Tinkletoes' Troubles

“You keep thinking about this.” Carp says, leading Tinkletoes back to the front steps. “Sit down. You don't want to tire yourself. You have a big enough challenge ahead.”

“You spent way too much time in Writer Lady's head during the war. We haven't yanked all of her snarkiness out of you yet.” Tinkletoes says sitting down on the top step. “I do think better when I'm sitting down though.”

Another entrance door opens and shuts. Within minutes Writer Lady is backing out of the driveway, she rolls down the window, “Bye. Have fun today!” She calls smiling.

Carp waves and smiles as she drives away.

“I don't care what TP or anyone else says. That woman has a mean streak.” Tinkletoes says.

“I think it's you. I think you bring the obnoxious out.” Carp says.

“Me?” Tinkletoes asks. “I'm a teddy bear. Completely lovable.”

“How many teddy bears have their own flame throwers exactly?” Carp asks.

“You talk entirely too much these days.” Tinkletoes says glaring at Carp.

“Any ideas yet, Einstein?”

“I'm working on it.” Tinkletoes says resting his chin on his hand, focusing on the step between his feet, concentrating.

A shuffling noise is heard on the gravel driveway two houses down.

“There's Mr. Morely with his garbage. Right on time. He never remembers the holidays.” Carp says. He looks down at Tinkletoes who is lost in thought. “He's on your list too. I think I'll go help him take his trash back to the house so it doesn't catch fire today.”

“How about if we ignore the list and offer TP something to lie and tell Writer Lady we got all of the signatures? Can't we just do that?” Tinkletoes says. No response. “Carp?” Tinkletoes calls after looking up and discovering he is alone. Scanning the perimeter, Tinkletoes finds Carp deep in conversation with one of the neighbors. Carp looks at Tinkletoes. Smiling he looks back at the old man, shakes his hand and returns to Writer Lady's front steps.

“Who were you talking to?” Tinkletoes asks.

“That was Mr. Morely. He's on your list. I helped him put his trash can away, he forgot that today was the Fourth of July. I told him about the shooting range and your problem; having to get permission from so many of the neighbors. He says that Mr. Donut is who you should talk to. If you can get Mr. Donut to say 'yes' almost everyone else on this list will agree too. Mr. Morely looked at the list and all of your potential opponents are on vacation this weekend. Not even home. Which lowers the number to twelve households.”

“Where does Mr. Donut live?”

“Right across the street.” Carp says. “We need to be really nice to him, Mr. Morely said his wife died a couple of years ago and he's still sensitive about it.”

“Okay.” Tinkletoes says.

“No yelling. No bullying.”

“Got it.”

“Don't get in his face either. He's 94.

“I understand.”

“Don't forget...” Carp begins.

Tinkletoes glares at Carp. “I won't. What's his name?”

“Mr. Donut. Duncan Donut.”

Tinkletoes and Carp make their way across Writer Lady's front yard and on to the street.

“I'm not sure I can call him that without laughing. Does he have a nickname?”

“Sweets?”

Tinkletoes stops walking. He looks at Mr. Donut's house.

“We don't have to do this today. Appointments will be opening back up at the gun club next weekend.”

Tinkletoes looks at Writer Lady's house then looks at Carp. “I am a mercenary. A veteran of several tours of duty in the Middle East. The man who made winning the Ninja Zombie War possible. I am not going to let a 127 pound smart ass of a woman beat me. Not today. Not any day. No matter what.” He says continuing across the street to Mr. Donut's front door. Tinkletoes rings the doorbell just as Carp reaches the front door.

Nothing happens. Fifteen minutes later Carp's polite knocking has been replaced by Tinkletoes' banging on the door. Thumps rattling windows. Window boxes of flowers shaking with the vibrations.

“I'm going to look in a window. Maybe he's not home.” Carp says tiptoeing away.

Nodding Tinkletoes continues his assault on the door.

“You can stop knocking.” Carp says returning from the far side of the house. “I found Mr. Donut in the bedroom. He's sitting on the bed looking at old movies of wife and crying. There's no way he's going to talk to us today. Poor man.”

“He'll talk to me today. You're making things sound worse than they are. Let me see what's going on.” Tinkletoes says following Carp around to the back of the house. Both men keep their heads low and look into the bedroom window.

An old man lies on his bed in a fetal position watching home movies on his VCR. He is weeping uncontrollably.

Tinkletoes and Carp sink down turning and sitting with their backs against the wall.

“You weren't exaggerating. That man is in a bad way right now.” Tinkletoes admits. “He'll never answer the door much less talk to us.”

“What do you want to do?” Carp asks.

Turning around, Tinkletoes peeks into the bedroom window. “That's okay.” Tinkletoes whispers returning to his seat against the wall, “I have an idea of who he will talk to.”