Making Progress

Bugsy jumps up and down within the confines of Diomedes' cavernous mouth.

“Your fae-rie near-ly killed me. What are you go-ing to do a-bout it?” Diomedes says slowly.

“What was that?” House asks.

“Bugsy thinks that you might have hearing or comprehension difficulties. He asked me to speak slowly.” Diomedes answers.

“Excuse me?” House exclaims. “Did you hear that darling? Did you hear what the dragon said to me?”

Mural Man swallows nervously.

Tinkletoes laughs quietly. “House is getting offended because the little bug thinks she's not too bright.” He says to Dobby grinning, “It's okay to laugh Dobby, it's pretty funny.”

“Actually sir, he was referring to the entire group.” Diomedes explains.

“If we're so stupid then why has he been waiting for us to save him?” Tinkletoes asks.

“Because the dragon can't be cured and the mess can't be cleaned up without magic, doofus.” Diomedes answers.

“Them's fighting words you little....virus.” Tinkletoes says staring at Bugsy.

“You will help me.” He says staring back.

“What if I don't?” Tinkletoes asks.

“I am a stomach bug. I become a virus within any non-magical being. I will invade your body and take control of your digestive system, rendering you incapable of eating or drinking. Indefinitely.”

“What if I'm okay with that? Maybe I like to puke.” Tinkletoes says.

“Indefinitely.” Is reiterated. “I can go up to a week without food or water. Can you?” Diomedes asks.

“Let's find out.” Tinkletoes says.

“My carpets. My floors.” House groans.

"House, relax." Mural Man says turning his attention to Bugsy. “Diomedes is sick. He's miserable. House is a mess. We have been trying to help but we don't know what we're up against. You're trying to get through this alone and losing. We have a common cause.” Mural Man points out. “We need to be working together.”

“He's right. We need to stop arguing, work together, and fix this.” Tinkletoes says.

“If you know what's causing this problem Bugsy things can be resolved.” Dobby adds. “Will you work with us?” He asks.

Bugsy paces across the tip of Diomedes' tongue in thought. The bug stops and looks at Tinkletoes shaking his fist, he makes a rude gesture then returns to his pacing.

“He's going to say 'yes'.” Tinkletoes whispers to Dobby and Mural Man. Both look at him doubtfully.

“He looks angry.” Mural Man observes.

“Everyone gets mad at me sooner or later. I'm still around. Trust me. He's gonna say 'yes'.”

Bugsy stops pacing, takes his authoritative stance, and looks at the group. The stomach bug nods.

“For my sake and in the interest of ending the battle he has been fighting in my belly Bugsy agrees to work with you. He says he will tell you everything he knows.” Diomedes says.

“Let the de-briefing begin.” Tinkletoes says grinning.

“TP, we know you used magic to give the cheese balls their speed. All we need to know is how to turn off the spell so we can calm Diomedes' diarrhea.” Writer Lady says peeking into the cricket cage and trying to look pitiful.

TP is in the far corner of the cage, relaxing in his own personal hot tub. “No.” He says.

“If you help I'll let you out of the cage.” Writer Lady says.

“No.”

“Think about Diomedes. How bad he feels, how uncomfortable he must be.” She says.

“Faeries don't get sick. TP always feels good.”

“I know how it feels.” Ray says. “Diarrhea's the worst. Come on man, help him out.”

TP looks up thoughtfully. “TP will not help because TP cannot help.”

Writer Lady and Ray look at TP, waiting for more information.

“Faeries don't get sick. There is no medicine.” He says.

“No medicine?” Writer Lady asks.

TP shakes his head.

“In all of Faerie?”

“We don't need faerie medicine we need dragon medicine.” Ray points out.

“What about dragon medicine or magical animal medicine?” Writer Lady asks.

TP shakes his head.

“Citizens of Faerie cannot be sick in Faerie. Diomedes is sick here. He needs your medicine.”

“When faerie dust or magicus pulvus is conjured the strength, its ability to be altered, as well as the length of time it is effective bears largely on the age and power of the faerie that conjured, and invoked the spells on the dust to begin with,” Bugsy explains. Diomedes and Mural Man are standing next to each other. Having covered his surface with non-stick spray, Diomedes is using Mural Man as a dry erase board.

Dobby is listening closely while Tinkletoes takes notes for him. The ginger tabby is preparing to ask questions.

“Don't write across his butt. Whatever you do, please don't write across his butt.” Tinkletoes mutters.

“Do you have magic?” Dobby asks Bugsy.

“Yes, but only a little. I can and do draw upon Diomedes' magic as needed.”

“Have you tried to draw upon Diomedes' magic to destroy the faerie dust in his digestive system?” Dobby asks.

“Yes. Using faerie magic to neutralize other faerie magic is tricky. It doesn't always work. Your faerie, TT? Is that his name?”

“TP.” Tinkletoes corrects.

“TP is an old faerie with strong finely tuned magic. It is full of the intricacies.  Magic can be honed to identify an individual magical being.”

Tinkletoes yawns. Dobby nods a lot.

“Magic in the hands of an old faerie, one who has had lots of practice...”

“I've got a question.” Tinkletoes says. “Are you ever going to speak English?”

“it can be like a thumb print.” Diomedes continues answering. “A practiced faerie can weave sub-magic into their spells to make the magic unique. TP must be very old because the spell that was activated when I tried to neutralize the enchantment on the faerie dust not only absorbed the power in my spell. It amplified it.”

“In other words.” Dobby prompts recognizing Tinkletoes' frustration.

“In other words.” Diomedes reaches up and draws a mess propelling from Mural Man's butt. “Crap flew everywhere.”

Dobby nods.

“You just had to draw on his butt didn't you.” Tinkletoes says.

“I'm enjoying it.” House comments breathlessly.

“You would.” Tinkletoes grumbles. “So basically, that's how our buddy Diomedes became Sir Craps A Lot.” Tinkletoes says. “That sneaky little devil.”

“You have a strange look on your face.” Dobby says.

“Do I?” Tinkletoes says, looking at Dobby.

“Yeah.”

“We have a magical creature that got very sick from a magical spell, a secondary magic was introduced that intensified the problem.” Tinkletoes recaps. “How about if we brought both sources of magic together? If they both hit Diomedes' system at the same time could they neutralize each other?"  Tinkletoes looks around the room.  "What can I say, I have my moments."

“Two negatives do equal a positive.” Mural Man's voice offers from the nearest opening.

Everyone looks at Mural Man's butt.

“Did your butt just talk?” Tinkletoes asks.

“It is the quickest way for me to speak at the moment.” Mural Man responds.

“Don't do that again.” Tinkletoes says. “Looking at another's man butt is bad enough, listening to it?” He continues. “No.”
"Don't look at my butt." Mural Man says.  "Close your eyes and listen to my voice."
Dobby nods at Tinkletoes who closes his eyes.
"Feel better?"  Mural Man continues.
"No.  I still know it's your butt talking."
Dobby looks at Diomedes and Bugsy to no avail.
"Maybe if you think about this as a sign?"
Tinkletoes glares at Dobby.
"It's going to be all right in the end?"  Dobby suggests.
"It always works for me."  House adds. "Grrrr..."
"Let's just end this right here."
"As long as it's the butt end."  House says.
Tinkletoes runs a hand down the length of his face.  "A talking butt, I'm never going to unsee this."
"But..."