From A Soldier To An Outlaw

“Gentlemen.” TP says from the podium. The faerie looks at an area above and behind Tinkletoes as if the room is brimming over with military personnel. “You are excellent soldiers. Thoroughly trained and full dedicated to defending your country. Recently, it has been brought to my attention that there is an area of your training that has been overlooked. Your ability to interact positively with the fairer sex.”

Carp rises from his chair and steps to the podium, placing a hand over the the microphone he says, “TP you can't say that.”

“I am General Tampon Sir, please address me as such.” General Tampon A.K.A. TP says.

“I'm sorry. General Tampon but you can't say that.”

“It's General Tampon...Sir!” The faerie corrects smiling.

Carp tries again. “General Tampon Sir, you cannot put it that way.”

“You need to pause between the Tampon and Sir. If you picture ellipses in your mind it helps.” General Tampon instructs with a smile.

Carp rubs his forehead with his other hand. “General Tampon...Sir. Would you please rephrase your statement? Women no longer appreciate being referred to as the “fairer sex”. Please don't use the “s” word either. Children have been known to read these stories sometimes.”

“Are you sure of that sir?” The general asks.

Carp looks beyond the walls of the room past a computer screen to find a pair of young eyes, reading. Pointing to the eyes, “See out there?” Carp asks. Pointing to the far left another pair of young eyes can be seen.

“I see.” General Tampon says. The faerie pulls out his note cards for Carp to peruse before he continues the lecture.

Carp reads them quickly. “No, no, no, that's a great joke but not appropriate. None of that either. No diagrams.”

“No pictures either?” The faerie asks.

“No visual aids.”

“Film?”

“We are not going there okay?” Carp says. “If you can't play nice then you need to sit down.”

“Isn't there something else you want to say?” General Tampon asks. The faerie whispers, “You want to say, “Thank you General Tampon...Sir for that fine introduction.”

Carp starts muttering under his breath.

Mural Man joins the circle, “Is there a problem?” He asks.

Carp nods and hands Mural Man the note cards. “He can't say this.”

“It's okay we'll just skip this part.” Mural Man looks up and peeks at their audience...of one. Tinkletoes is slumped down in the chair dozing. “He's almost asleep he won't know the difference. Quick question, General Tampon...Sir, what has anything in this lecture got to do with apologizing? Or Tinkletoes learning to treat Writer Lady in a more friendly way so that some day they might be closer?”

“I'm glad you asked.” General Tampon says, “Tinkletoes has a limited attention span. He saves deep concentration for other things like designing lightsabers, playing video games and memorizing the schematics to various pieces of weaponry.”

All look over at Tinkletoes who is now sleeping soundly.

“Before Tinkletoes takes on any endeavor in life whether it be learning a new game or attacking a new target he knows what the goal is. He knows what the payoff looks like. I am simply showing him the payoff before we go dragging him through a swamp laden wilderness without any back-up or air support. If we skip ahead a little and get his full attention we can back track to the apologies right away before we lose him again.”

“You have to admit that is one way to approach this.” Mural Man says.

General Tampon grins and sticks his tongue out at Carp.

“But not the way we are approaching it today.” Mural Man continues. “Thank you General Tampon...Sir for your wonderful introduction.” Mural Man says gesturing to the chairs nearby. The room grows quiet. Mural Man finds himself at a loss for words.

Tinkletoes' head begins to tilt to the right as he sleeps, slowly at first, then more quickly. Eventually his head makes contact with his shoulder jerking him awake. “What? Is it over yet? What did we learn?”

“No Tinkletoes we are just getting started.” Mural Man answers.

“Oh. Wake me when we're done okay? I totally agree with everything you're gonna say.” Tinkletoes says, closing his eyes.

“No. You need to wake up. Now.” Mural Man says raising his voice.

Tinkletoes yawns and turns his head the other way.

Mural Mans' body starts making crinkling noises. He steps on to the classroom floor and stands over Tinkletoes. “Wake Up! NOW!” He yells.

Tinkletoes lifts his head and looks at Mural Man. “Okay. It's nothing to yell about. What's got you all worked up?”

Mural Man turns around and steps back up to the platform. “Now let's get started. You Tinkletoes like Writer Lady. But you need help. You're crude, obnoxious, demanding, and you don't know how to apologize. We are going to fix that. To-day.” Mural Man announces with a smile.

“What is it I have to learn exactly? To make things work out in my favor.” Tinkletoes asks.

“The quickest and most efficient way for you to fix things is to apologize.”

“That's not happening. I don't do that.”

“Apologize? Everyone says 'I'm sorry' sometimes.”

“I don't.”

“You have never apologized?”

“Nope.”

“You have never made good when you made a mistake?”

“I've made amends from time to time but never apologized.”

“How is that possible?” Mural Man asks.

Tinkletoes grins. “Because I'm me.” He says proudly.

“Why do I feel like we never should have gone down this road?” Mural Man mutters under his breath.

“Because you shouldn't have?” Tinkletoes asks.

“Yet here we are.”

“Yep.” Tinkletoes agrees.

“You have no interest in apologizing do you?” Mural Man asks.

“I'm a guy. Real men don't apologize.”

Those words hit Mural Man just as hard as if Tinkletoes had thrown a brick right at his head. The paper hottie with the sweet tushy knows that one of the key elements to a real man is that he has the courage to admit he's wrong. To apologize. “It seems we've hit a stalemate.” Mural Man says.

“I'm not budging, if that's what you mean.” Tinkletoes says.

Dobby steps on to the speaker's platform, dressed appropriately as the classroom walls begin to fall away. The ginger tabby's spurs tapping against the floor as he walks upright. When the transformation of setting has finished they are in a deserted ghost town from the old west. Mural Man and Tinkletoes facing each other in the middle of the street in full western wear, armed and ready. Dust and random tumble weeds roll across the street in front of them.

TP is no longer a Tampon but an outlaw complete with big black mustache, Carp is dressed as the saloon keeper and Dobby has donned his long brown leather duster once more. Once a browncoat...always a browncoat. ;) The feline has a patch over one eye. (Because only the grittiest of heroes are missing an eye). This puss has grit all right. It's right between his toes, from scratching around...in the litter box. 

 This isn't about Dobby. This is about the showdown goin' down right now in this here ghost town.

“So Dobby, what brings you to these here parts?” the outlaw Shredded TP asks. “You ain't been here much lately. You gonna take care of this?”

“Nope. I just brought the soundtrack. Everyone knows you can't have a shoot out without the music.”

“He's right.” Carp says. “No one watches long enough to care what happens to either party much less to see what happens if there isn't music. In the old days, they didn't have soundtracks. The only way you knew who won is someone got shot.”

“What if both of them got shot?” Shredded TP asks.

“If both of them got shot does it matter?”

“If you don't know the facts of what happened, the tombstone just ain't gonna look right.” Dobby's voice says from under his hat.

“Or the obituary.” Carp adds.

“Not to mention the campfire stories.” Shredded TP says.

“Why isn't anything happening?” Carp asks.

“Nothing can happen until I play the music.” Dobby says taking a pocket knife and a piece of a small branch out of his brown duster pocket. With each new sentence the feline cuts a strip of bark away from the wood. “They have to have a last exchange of words. Mural Man will try to make Tinkletoes see reason. I'm guessin' Tinkletoes will have none of it. Then they can start shootin'.”

Tinkletoes--Up For Retraining

The chorus of angels can be heard echoing throughout the house.

Laaaaaa....a.....a..laaaaaaaaaaaaa...

Carp looks at Writer Lady. “What did I tell you? Angels Singing.”

The angels sing out.

He's Beautiful..........................

Tinkletoes looks out the kitchen window at his fence which sits undisturbed. “What's going on? How did he?” Tinkletoes demands.

Writer Lady walks over to Mural Man.  “Mural Man is that you?”   She whispers.

“Yeah. It's still me.”  Mural Man says.

Writer Lady keeps staring.  Circling around Mural Man.  Carp waits for her at the end of her orbit.

“Amazing isn't it?”  Carp asks.

“Uncanny.”  Writer Lady says as she absentmindedly fusses with her hair.  “Are you hungry Mural Man?  Can I get you anything?”

“No. I'm still essentially a really big piece of paper so I can't eat or drink anything.”

Reminded that this is in fact Mural Man,  “Oh. Of course,” Writer Lady says taking a step back.

“If you're still paper then it will be real easy for me to wad you butt up into a tight little ball.”  Tinkletoes says.

“You don't want to do that.”  Mural Man says.

“Why don't I want to do that?” Tinkletoes asks pushing the table aside.   “Maybe I should just make the world's biggest pile of spit balls out of you instead.”

“That wouldn't be very nice either.”  Mural Man says.

“Why do I want to be nice?”  Tinkletoes asks crossing the room in two steps, stopping nose to nose with Mural Man.

“Because.” Mural Man says, leaning in closer. “TP made me this way so I can help your stubborn backside.”  Standing back up there is red mark across Tinkletoes' nose.

“That's a cheap shot and I want you to know that it doesn't hurt.”  Tinkletoes says.

“He didn't touch you. Did he?”  Writer Lady asks.

Mural Man looks at the floor.   “I did.  I used the only weapon I have.”

Writer Lady sighs.  “Let me look.”   She inspects Tinkletoes' nose.   “It's a paper cut.   I think you'll live.   Peter?  Will you please get me the...” A bottle of peroxide and cotton balls materialize on the kitchen counter before Writer Lady can finish getting the words out.  She cleans Tinkletoes' war wound.

“Paper cuts don't seem like much but they burn.” Tinkletoes says.

Writer Lady rolls her eyes.  “So are you men done fighting or what?  It's getting really violent in here I'm not sure I'll get any sleep tonight if this keeps up.  I thought you two were friends.”

Aunt Purdy quietly escorts the children and the baby dragon from the room.

“I thought we were.  But a guy who's a friend doesn't wait until another guy is trying to keep someone out and then dress up like the guy his friend is trying to catch in the kill zone.  That's not nice.”  Tinkletoes says.

“How nice is it to try catch someone in a kill zone?”  Writer Lady asks.

“Look woman.   I had a reason.  A damn good one.”  Tinkletoes says.

“A reason that has no foundation in reality—at all.”  Writer Lady says pushing on Tinkletoes' chest with her finger.   “You were wrong to tear up my yard and wrong to set up a kill zone for anything.   Admit it!”

Mural Man, Carp and TP quietly watch the exchange shaking their heads.

Tinkletoes looks over at the others.  They hold up a banner only Tinkletoes can see.

Apologize

Tinkletoes mouths “What?”

Say You're Sorry

Tinkletoes shakes his head.

“Fine. Fine.   Just get out.   Clean up my yard.  That's all I want, finish cleaning up my yard.”

Tinkletoes leaves the room with Mural Man, Carp and TP in tow. They leave Writer Lady in the kitchen cleaning up the mess from the over turned breakfast table alternately screaming and muttering profanities.

Once the men are outside.  {We are counting Mural Man as a man because man is in his name, he looks like one, and House loves his sweet tushy so that's close enough.}  Mural Man, Carp and TP form a semi-circle around Tinkletoes.

“I never do anything wrong and I'm always getting yelled at.”   Tinkletoes starts to complain.

“That is why I'm here.” Mural Man says.

“Why?”

“Because you keep screwing things up.”  Carp says.

“You need serious help.”  TP giggles.

“What, what'd I do?”   Tinkletoes asks.

“I think this might take a while.  Should we try the comfortable or the uncomfortable approach?”  Mural Man asks.  Both TP and Carp look at Mural Man with blank stares. “Come on guys.  Huddle up.” The three start whispering amongst themselves.

Tinkletoes starts looking at the barbed wire fence and muttering.  “I think I see the problem. There's a design flaw between the third and fourth rows.”  Seeing his friends occupied, the mercenary quietly steps further and further away from the group.

“You!”  Mural Man says pointing to Tinkletoes.   “Come back here.  We aren't finished.”

Tinkletoes returns to the group.

“Stay.” Mural Man says.

Tinkletoes stands in one place.

“Stay.”  Mural Man says putting two fingers next to his eye and pointing in the “I'm watching you” gesture then returning to the huddle.

Several minutes pass.  Mural Man, Carp and TP all clap hands and say “Break.”  Standing up they turn and face Tinkletoes.  TP disappears in a puff of smoke and reappears in his General Tampon uniform (See—General Tampon Takes Over). Snapping his fingers the four are transported to a military classroom.  TP is at the speaker's podium. Carp and Mural Man are sitting in chairs next to the podium.  Facing the podium is a room full of empty school desks.   Tinkletoes is cramped in to the third desk in the front row.  Front and Center the self-proclaimed mercenary is going to learn. Guy Stuff.

Coming Off The Wall

“How did that happen?” Writer Lady mutters.

“Huh?” Dylan asks.

“Nothing sweetie. I'm just talking to myself. Grown-ups do that sometimes.”

“Who is it?” Dylan asks pressing on.

“I'm not sure.” Writer Lady answers. “Let's go find out. Just a sec.” Writer Lady turns back to the stove and turns it off.

The man in the chair sees them the moment they enter the room.

“Hi.” Writer Lady says smiling.

“Hello.” He says returning his attention back to tug of war.

“Hi.” Dylan says. “Who are you?”

“I am Mural Man.”

“I'm Dylan.”

“Hi Dylan. Is this your dragon?” Mural Man asks as he continues to play with Furnatche. The small silver white dragon snarls as he pulls on the rope with his teeth.

Dylan nods.

“What do you call him?”

“Furnatche.” Dylan answers.

“I don't think that I've ever heard that name before, but then I've never seen a dragon like this lil' guy either. Would you like to take over?” Mural Man asks Dylan. The tow headed boy nods. “There ya go.” Mural Man says handing the other end of the rope to Dylan.

“May I have a word with you?” Writer Lady asks.

“Just one?”

Writer Lady and Mural Man leave the room and return to the kitchen.

“What's going on?” Writer Lady asks.

“Cool, right?” Mural Man asks doing a full turn and grinning. “Mural Man is...Off the wall. Don't worry this is only temporary. I'm going back.”

“When?” Writer Lady asks.

Mural Man pales slightly.

“I'm sorry. I didn't mean to say it in that way. If you're going to be three dimensional for more than a few minutes you are probably going to need some more clothes.”

“TP said I will be like this for 24 hours. But you don't need to worry about getting me clothes. Carp is seeing to that.”

“Wait a minute. Why didn't TP just?” Writer Lady asks waving her hand parallel along the length of her body.

Mural Man gives her a blank stare.

“You know.”

“TP said he would be too busy with other things.”

“So TP is behind this?”

“Yes. Tinkletoes needs me.” Mural Man announces.

“Why does Tinkletoes need you?”

Mural Man thinks for a minute. Realizing he's in a tight spot, he says. “Stuff.” There is an uncomfortable silence as Mural Man searches for a more descriptive phrase. “Guy stuff. He needs my help with guy stuff.”

“You're helping Tinkletoes with Guy Stuff?”

“Yes, but this guy stuff is kind of personal so I can't really share.” Mural Man says.

“Tinkletoes?”

“There you are.” Carp says running into the kitchen carrying...Writer Lady can't count all of the bags because Carp is moving around so fast. “It took some doing but I think I got everything you're looking for.”

“What's all this?” Writer Lady asks.

“Wardrobe.” Carp says.

“He's only going to be like this for twenty-four hours.”

“Mural Man has a variety of looks he's always wanted to explore.” Carp says glaring at Writer Lady.

“Why doesn't he just ask TP to?” Writer Lady asks waving her hand parallel along the length of her body.

Carp looks at her blankly.

“You know...”

“House insists Mural Man stays in a loin cloth.”

“Yes. She loves my sweet tushy.” Mural Man says.

“Off to the bedroom Mural Man. We are having fun today.”

“Can we start with the...long pants?” Mural Man asks.

“Of course. Get going.” Carp answers as Mural Man leaves the kitchen. “We'll be using your bedroom for changes if that's all right.” He says to Writer Lady. Writer Lady nods.

Mural Man runs back into the kitchen. “Can we do the tuxedo thing after that? You know like James Bond? I think I'd look really sharp in a tuxedo.”

“We will go through a lot of different looks during the next twenty-four hours. Trust me to schedule it out. Get into Writer Lady's bedroom and put some clothes on.” Mural Man turns around to leave. Carp reaches for his arm pulling him back. “Lose that loin cloth.” Mural Man turns and leaves the kitchen. “Underwear, put on underwear! If you don't wear underwear nothing is going to look right!” Carp calls after him. “ There are children here.”

Carp begins following Mural Man to the bedroom. Writer Lady reaches out for Carp's arm pulling him back. “You're a little bit different this morning. Are you going to be okay with this?” Writer Lady asks.

“What? Oh...him. Yeah. I'm fine. This is Mural Man not Monitor Man. He's cute, sweet and all but he's just not the real thing is he?”

“I wanted to make sure you knew that.”

“I do. Just make sure that you remember it too. Because when I get done putting this man in clothes, angels will be singing. Speaking of clothes.” Carp says looking Writer Lady up and down.

“This is my robe day. I get to wear my robe because I'm a grown-up. I'm not getting dressed and you can't make me.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“We'll see about that Writer Lady. We'll see about that.”

“We've got scrambled eggs, bacon, sausage, fruit and chocolate chip pancakes. Everybody eat.” Writer Lady says. Aunt Purdy, Paige, Peter, and Dylan are all at the table. Writer Lady heads to the door, opens it, yelling the word “FOOD!” to Tinkletoes who is still removing land mines from the yard with TP's assistance. TP disappears in a puff of smoke. Tinkletoes uses the door.

“That coffee was good.” Tinkletoes says handing her the empty cup. “It's about time food became available, I was getting hungry. You might want to think about setting up a more regular cooking schedule.” He makes his way into the kitchen, sits down and digs in. “Chocolate Chip Pancakes. Cool.”

“Wait.” Writer Lady orders. “Peter did you get your pancakes yet?”

“Yes'um.”

“You got plenty?”

Peter nods.

Looking at Tinkletoes Writer Lady says, “Okay now you can have some.”

Tinkletoes really loads his plate up.

“Carp still needs to eat.”

Tinkletoes puts as little food as possible back.

“Okay, everyone. Here he is!” Carp says entering the kitchen, he stops in the doorway and holding his arms up Monitor Man enters the room.

“What the...” Tinkletoes stands up taking the table with him.

How Did That Happen?

“What?” Writer Lady asks.

TP pops back in. “Monitor Man is single and on the prowl. Grrrr...” The faerie snaps his fingers making a reel to reel recorder appear. With another snap, the faerie turns it on.

“So Monitor Man what kind of woman has caught your eye?  She must be something to draw your attention from Incredibly Hot Woman. Which rising starlet is it?  Give us a hint.”  The interviewer says.

“I won't give you any names.  I want to respect her privacy.   Besides, I don't even know if she would like a guy like me.” Monitor Man grins. “I will tell you this she's bright, funny and independent.  Oh and kind of spunky.”

“You hear that and you immediately assume it's me.” Writer Lady says looking at Tinkletoes.

Tinkletoes looks at the ground.

“I am so tired of having to say these things. Have you seen the women he goes out with? He's not looking at someone like me. Besides there are basics to this crap. With a man like him finding a woman is probably like buying a house or something. Location, location, location. Think about what we have here.” Writer Lady says holding out her hands like they are a pair of scales. “We have gorgeous women all over the place right in his own backyard or me two thousand miles away. Coming for me, well, that doesn't make any sense does it? It's like flying from San Francisco to New York because you want a piece of pizza.”

“Um...some people might do that.”

“Besides, we were in the same space fighting a war together. Did he try to pick me up after? No. He went home to his girlfriend. If you were going to embark on a new romance wouldn't you be more prone to do it right after you, I don't know, didn't die? All the adrenaline and stuff. Well...wouldn't you?”

No response.

“I don't know what you're so worried about, but it's fine Tinkletoes. Everything is fine. He wasn't talking about me. He's not coming. Dobby is not going anywhere. Now may I please have my yard back?”

“Well, yeah.”

Writer Lady walks back to the house. Tinkletoes starts smiling when her back is turned.

“Hey.” Tinkletoes calls after her.

She turns around.

“You don't have coffee made do you because I'd like some.”

Writer Lady mutters and heads back to the house.

“Could you bring it to me?” Tinkletoes calls out. “I'm kind of busy here.”

Writer Lady goes back into the house slamming the door behind her.

“I don't understand why she's always mad.” Tinkletoes says looking at TP fluttering around his shoulder. “Hormones maybe?”

Writer Lady stomps back into the kitchen sees the pot full of coffee, growling at it she goes into her bedroom to get dressed. Remembering Tinkletoes told her to get dressed she screams. She heads back into the living room and flops down on the couch in her robe. Dobby walks over to her, slowly. He jumps up and sits down next to her on the couch.

“Do you believe that? Tearing up my yard because he thinks Monitor Man is coming over. Asking me to bring him coffee. Thinking he can tell me when I should get dressed. This is my house. I live here. He can't tell me what to do.” Writer Lady says some very bad words.

“Mom.”

Writer Lady keeps muttering.

“Mom.” Dobby repeats.

“Thinking he can tell me when to get dressed, no, no, no. I don't think so.”

“MOM!”

“What kitty?”

“I know you're really mad and this doesn't make sense to you right now. Maybe instead of being mad at Tinkletoes you should think about why he might be acting this way.”

“That's simple. He's an Ass! That's why he's acting this way. A big one.”

“That's not very nice Mom.”

“I don't feel like being nice right now kitty.” Writer Lady says, looking around the living room. It's nearly ten. I should cook something. See if one of the boys will take Tinkletoes a cup of coffee. I'll pour it but I'm not delivering it.”

“I'm sure Peter will take it out there.” Dobby answers.

“Peter likes Chocolate Chip Pancakes?”

“Yes.”

“I'll make sure Chocolate Chip Pancakes find their way to the table this morning.”

Writer Lady reaches out and scratches the ginger tabby on his head. “Thanks, kitty. I love you. Do me a favor? Make sure everyone knows that I'm wearing my robe. All Day Long. Because I'm a grown-up and I can.” Writer Lady heads to the kitchen muttering.

Several minutes later Writer Lady feels a tug on her robe just above her knee.

“Writer Lady?” A harder tug. “Writer Lady?”

Writer Lady looks down to see Dylan pulling on her robe. “What is it sweetie? I'm cooking.” She says turning her attention back to the stove.

“I have a question.”

“What's your question?”

“Where'd that man come from?”

“What man?” She asks still cooking.

“The tall one running around in his underwear.”

Writer Lady stops what she's doing. She looks at Dylan and looks to where his finger is pointing. Monitor Man is standing in her bonus room. In a loin cloth? No that must be Mural Man. “Dylan sweetie, that's Mural Man remember? The talking poster that moves.”

“No it isn't.”

“Yes it is.” Writer Lady confirms.

“No it isn't.” Dylan argues.

“What makes you say that?”

“He isn't stuck to the wall.” Dylan takes Writer Lady by the hand and leads her into the bonus room. “See?”

The man in the loincloth has found a comfortable spot and is sitting on a chair holding on to a thick piece of rope. Playing tug-of-war with a baby dragon.

Secure The Perimeter

“Secure the perimeter?” Mural Man asks.

“That sounds like a lot of work. Later man.” Ray says hanging up.

“Did he hang up?” Mural Man asks.

“Of course, I mentioned work.” Tinkletoes says. “He wasn't going to help. Besides this is my woman. My perimeter to secure.”

“He has to piss on every tree and poop in every corner.” TP pops in giggling and pops back out.

“That's a vivid picture.” Mural Man says. “You aren't really going to piss on every tree and poop in every corner are you?” Mural Man asks looking around the room and counting corners.

“No, that's just an expression and it only pertains to outside.” Tinkletoes says as he walks around the room looking out the windows and at the doors making plans. “ All that popping in and out is getting annoying. I'm going to have to talk with TP about that.”

“Talk with TP about what?” Writer Lady asks standing the the entryway.

“All that popping in and out of the room.”

“He does that when he says something obnoxious or makes a comment he doesn't want to answer questions about. It's kind of cute.” Writer Lady says. “Besides he doesn't do it often.”

“He does it to me all the time.” Tinkletoes says.

“Oh. Well, it's nice and quiet. Thanks for taking care of things in here.”

“Yeah.”

Several minutes pass.

“Well. It's getting really late I was wondering would you mind?”

“Mind what?” Tinkletoes asks.

“Going home.” Writer Lady says.

“No. I can't go home. Not at a time like this.”

“A time like what?” Writer Lady asks looking directly at Tinkletoes.

Tinkletoes searches the room for a reason to stay. He looks at Mural Man for help. Mural Man looks away and slides along the wall to the far end of the room. He looks down at his watch. “Would you look at the time? It's so late. I should go.”

Writer Lady nods.

“It has been a long day. You look tired.” Tinkletoes says, heading for the door. He stops for a moment, “I was wondering. I'm not tired. Would it be okay if I picked the shell casings up out of your yard?”

“I suppose so.”

“Thank you.”

Tinkletoes leaves closing the locked door behind him.

“Meow, meow. Yeow!” Dobby calls.

Writer Lady opens one eye and looks out from under the covers.

“Yeow!” Dobby calls jumping up onto the bed and landing on her head.

“Okay. Okay, kitty. I'm getting up.” Sitting up and yanking the blankets back she thumps into the kitchen feeding Dobby on auto-pilot. She changes the ginger tabby's water and heads to the bathroom to start her own morning ritual. Writer Lady returns to the kitchen several minutes later, face freshly scrubbed and teeth brushed. She makes coffee and yawns a lot.

“Would you look at the time? It's after nine a.m. Half the day is gone.” She says looking at Dobby. Dobby looks up at her with big soft eyes. “I'm sorry kitty. Breakfast was so late, forgive me?” Dobby blinks his forgiveness. “I don't have to work today. Thanks to your friend I don't have to mow either.” Writer Lady says looking down at Dobby sternly. “It's going to be really hot today. So he kind of did me a favor. But don't tell. Men like him get obnoxious if you're too nice. I think it will be okay until next week. I'll take a look in a minute.” Writer Lady fixes herself a cup of coffee. While taking that first welcome sip of caffeine she looks through the kitchen window at what can only be described as the area that used to be her front yard. She opens her mouth in astonishment. Closes it. Looks down at Dobby. Opens her mouth to say something, looks back through the window and stares.

“Mom?” Dobby asks.

“Well crap.” Writer Lady mutters turning around and putting her coffee cup on the kitchen counter. She tightens the belt on her robe and heads outside.

“Well hi.” Tinkletoes says looking up from his work. He has dug holes all over the lawn and it looks like a colony of groundhogs have been playing Hide and Seek in Writer Lady's yard.

“What's going on here? What do you think you're doing? Because it looks like you're tearing up my yard.”

“I'll tell ya. I was thinking about your problem and I decided the best way to solve it was to just...”

“Destroy the yard?”
“Well yeah. You don't have to mow the grass this way.”

Writer Lady glares at Tinkletoes.

“That is the stupidest most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.”

“And what's that back there for?” Writer Lady asks pointing to the barb wire fence that had been set up between the street and her yard line.

“That's to keep unwanted...critters out.”

“That wire goes up six feet! How many critters are six feet tall?”

“Bears?” Tinkletoes asks.

“There are no bears in this part of the state. That fence is dangerous. There are children in this neighborhood.”

“There might be a bear...someday. Or something tall like one.  Besides,a kid will only get near the fence once.”

“What about the child's parents?”

“The parents would only get into it once...they probably aren't that bright if they do.” Tinkletoes says. “Aren't parents supposed to keep kids in the house where they are safe anyway? You know locked up and stuff?”

“Parents shouldn't have to keep kids in the house all the time. Kids should be able to play outside...” Writer Lady gestures to the barbed wire fence, “safely.”

“Oh.” Tinkletoes says, continuing to dig.

“What are all these holes for?” Writer Lady asks.

“The land mines?”

“Land mines?” Writer Lady asks. She looks sadly at what used to be her yard, thinking for a moment, “I don't know what is going on here, but we are not at war. I will not have this mess. Take it down.”

Tinkletoes puts down his hand trowel and stands up to his full height. “It's imperative to your safety that I secure this perimeter. I wouldn't be doing this if it wasn't. Let me finish this.  You go inside and put more clothes on.  I almost saw things.”

“No.”

“No?” Tinkletoes asks. “You're saying 'No'?”

“That's exactly what I'm saying. This is my house and my yard. If I'm in the type of danger that warrants all of this,” she says gesturing with her hand, “I have a right to know about it.”

Tinkletoes pales slightly and says nothing.

“So...” Writer Lady says, waiting for further explanation, arms folded across her chest.

“There is a big danger. And barb wire fence keeps it out.” Tinkletoes says.

In a puff of smoke everything changes, “Tinkletoes is securing the perimeter to keep Monitor Man from the door.” TP announces giggling and disappears.

Duuude

“That is so wrong.”  Ray exclaims from his end of the line.  “My eyes.   Dude, this picture.”

“Bad huh?”  Tinkletoes asks.

“My eyes are burning.”

“Close the e-mail.”   Tinkletoes instructs.  “You don't want to go blind,” he says laughing to himself.

“Thanks man.”   Ray says.   “That was close.  Things were starting to go...dark. I hope I don't wake up blind tomorrow.”

“Nah, you closed it in plenty of time.”   Tinkletoes says with a grin.

“I hope so man.”   Ray says sounding worried.

A ping sounds in the background.  “Mom just popped up on Facebook, she wants to know what I think.  What do I say?”   Ray asks.

What is that thing Writer Lady says sometimes?  Tinkletoes mutters.

“Less is more?”   A voice calls from behind Tinkletoes' shoulder.

“That's it!  Less is more.   Thanks.”  Tinkletoes says to the voice, returning his attention to to the phone call.  “Ray?   Tell your mom 'less is more'.”

“Duuude.   Mom wearing any less would be a bad thing.  A really bad thing”

Tinkletoes hears Ray typing in the background.

“I told my mom she looks prettier when she has more clothes on. Mom, don't be mad, mom?  Mom?  You always told me not to use that word.  MOM?”

Tinkletoes just listens, shaking his head.  Tinkletoes' phone lights up with a text message.

Look at the picture man. Mom doesn't believe me.  Ray.

Tinkletoes looks at the picture.  The mercenary sucks in his breath.  Closing his eyes, he raises his hand to his head and pinches the bridge of his nose until his eyes tear up.

“My, that's a vivid picture.”  A voice says from behind Tinkletoes' shoulder.

“Did you look at the picture?”  Ray asks.

“Yeah, I looked.”

“What do I tell her?”

“I don't know what to tell her.  I'm a guy.  How would I know?”  Tinkletoes says.

“She's stunning.  Tell her she looks stunning.” The voice behind Tinkletoes says. Tinkletoes turns around to see Mural Man on the wall behind him.

Tinkletoes shows Mural Man the picture.   Up close.

“I know.  Tell her she's stunning but that women all over the world are going to be sending pictures just like this one.  A woman like her will stand out even more against those other women if she is more like herself.   Monitor Man is more likely to be interested in a woman that approaches him in a friendly courteous manner instead of a cheap one.”

“Seriously?”  Tinkletoes asks.

Mural Man nods.

“Since I don't have anything better.”  Tinkletoes relays Mural Man's suggestion adding something of his own. “Ray, tell your mom I said that nuns are totally sexy.”

“Duuude.  Great idea.”  Ray says typing. “Mom says, thanks for the compliment and the advice.  She also says that getting turned on by nuns sounds kind of creepy and you may want to get some help with that.”

“I didn't mean it like that.   It's supposed to make her want to put on more clothes.”

“I know man.  She didn't get it.  Thanks for helping me tonight Tinkletoes you really saved my butt.  If you ever need anything just let me know.”

“Yeah.”

“Seriously anything at all, like setting up the games so you win on gaming night, talking to you in the middle of the night when you can't sleep, bringing you cheese puffs.  Anything you need man.”

“That's why I called.  I need your help with something.”  Tinkletoes says.  No one answers.  “Ray?”  Still nothing.  “He hung up on me.  I can't believe he hung up on me.”  Tinkletoes dials Ray's number.  “Ray.”

“Dude. Long time no see.”

“Ray...it's me Tink.”

“Wow...you sound totally different than the last time we spoke.  Have you been working out?”

“We just talked Ray.   2.5 minutes ago.  I sound completely different than I did 2.5 minutes ago?”

“What can I say?  Life moves fast.”

Drawers can be heard opening and closing.

“I can't find my cheese puffs.”

“Look in the trash.”  Tinkletoes says.

“Found it.  The bag is empty.   Bummer. Wait a minute, how did you know that?” Ray asks.

“We were just on the phone with each other.”

“Okay.”

“You don't remember? We were talking about Monitor Man being single again. He wants Writer Lady.  I need you to help me hide the news clip from Writer Lady.”

“Oh yeah.”   Ray answers.  “If she found out Writer Lady would totally dump you.”

“Let's not let that happen.”   Tinkletoes says.

“I will take a look.”  Ray says, freakishly fast typing can be heard going on the background.

“What I need you to do is hack into the website that posted this clip and lock it up so no one can access it.”  Tinkletoes instructs.

“Can't.”

“Why not?”

“This has been posted and re-posted all over the place.   It's gone...viral.  I have some good news.  There are 576,892 women out there that swear they are Monitor Man's mystery lady.   None of them look anything like Writer Lady.”

“Is he serious?”  Mural Man asks.

Tinkletoes nods.

“Ray, it's the Internet anyone can say anything they want.  It doesn't mean it's true.”

“Sure it is.”

“Ray, I'm not the best with history but I'm sure Abraham Lincoln did not invent the cheese puff.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“What about tortilla chips?”

“He didn't invent those either.”

“Whoa...”

“I'm sorry Ray.”

“This is a tough blow but I can handle it.”

“About Writer Lady...”

“I'm looking at pictures of his past girlfriends and I don't think you have anything to worry about.”

“I'm not worried Ray.  I want the threat neutralized.”  Tinkletoes says.

“Duuude.  No way man.”

“I mean I want the footage put where Writer Lady won't see it.”

Ray continues typing.  “All of the tags have Monitor Man somewhere in the name.  Let me check Writer Lady's computer.  Do we still have access to her history?”

Mural Man looks at Tinkletoes with surprise.  Tinkletoes turns his head away and whispers, “Yeah.”

Tinkletoes waits quietly for more information while Mural Man glares in his direction.

“According to Writer Lady's computer she doesn't go to any of the sites you're worried about.    Unless someone leads her to the information she will never know a thing man.  You're perfectly safe.”

“I'm perfectly safe.”  Tinkletoes says.

“You totally overreacted.”

“I overreacted.”

“She might run into someone who tells her about it.  But here?   You have nothing to worry about unless he shows up at the door or something.”

“You're right Ray.   Everything is going to be just fine."   Tinkletoes looks from left to right.   "As soon as I secure the perimeter.”

Of Murals and Monitor Man

Tinkletoes enters the bonus room to find Mural Man in his loincloth sashaying and gyrating to some...something.   He turns his head away from whatever Mural Man is doing and looks around the room.  As a flash of vibrant color penetrates his field of vision, Tinkletoes watches the bright clothing dance along the wall over to where Mural Man is um...doing his thing.   The salsa dress is stunning and the woman being enveloped by it captivating with long auburn hair and glowing amber eyes.  She is tall and willowy.  Tinkletoes has to remember why he came into the room.  The music changes to a salsa that ricochets off the walls in time with party lights bringing him back to his mission. Just as the dancing woman reaches Mural Man, Tinkletoes coughs.

“May I help you?”  The woman asks as both she and Mural Man look at Tinkletoes unhappy with the interruption.

“You're supposed to be quiet at night. Writer Lady has an agreement with House.”

“I am she.”   The woman says.

“You're House?  I thought the house was House.” Tinkletoes says.

“I am.”

“How can you be on the wall dancing then?”

“TP.  TP created a one dimensional rendering of my personality so that Mural Man and I could... interact.”  House answers gazing at her dance partner.  Mural Man looks at her adoringly.

“Wow.   You look. Wow.”  Tinkletoes says.

“Yes.  Thank you.”  House responds.   “Is that all?”

“So I need to know when you're going to turn the music down, so I can tell Writer Lady.”

“We have no plans to turn it down in the immediate future.”

Tinkletoes points to the window.  “It's nighttime.  It's dark out.”

House glares at Tinkletoes, stepping away from Mural Man, she sighs, “We are merely enjoying the time we lost earlier today when Writer Lady, Carp, TP and yourself were congregating in our space.”

“We weren't in here that long.”   Tinkletoes says.

“Then this won't take very long will it?”  The music starts up again.  House and Mural Man pick up where they left off.

Tinkletoes stands where he is and waits.   He studies the murals as they dance. So happy and oblivious to everything around them.

The song ends.  House claps her hands, the party lights go off and the lights come back on. “There! Happy?”  She shouts, leaving the room in a huff.

“Very. Thank you.”   Tinkletoes says grinning.

Mural Man sits down.   As well as any one dimensional painting can. “So.”   He says.

“So.  You're the mural.”  Tinkletoes says.

“Yep.”

“You look just like Monitor Man?”  Tinkletoes asks.

“That's what they tell me.”

“House seems to like you a lot.”

“I'm Monitor Man, well a picture of Monitor Man.  What's not to like?”

“I only met him once, there was a war.  I killed way more Ninja Zombies than he did.”

Mural Man nods.  Then silence.

Tinkletoes looks in the direction of the main house and Writer Lady.  “What is it about Monitor Man that the ladies seem to like so much?”

Mural Man thinks for a minute, grinning he says, “He's a lover not a fighter.”

“What's he got that I don't?  I'm looking at you Mural Man I'm thinking we look a lot alike.”

“Really?”  Mural Man asks.

“Well yeah.”

House returns to the bonus room, “You're still here?”

“Yes he is.” Mural Man answers House.  “We were talking.  He says he thinks we look a lot alike.   He wonders what Monitor Man has that he doesn't.  Do you think we look alike?”

House starts to open her mouth in protest.  She looks at Mural Man, then at Tinkletoes. “Possibly.  If you were cleaned up, put in an excellent costume.  Yes Tinkletoes, you could be mistaken for Monitor Man, in a dark alley by a blind person.”

TP pops in the room in front of Tinkletoes, “You scream like a girl.”  The faerie giggles and disappears in a puff of smoke.

“And Monitor Man doesn't?  I fought in a war with him.   A guy like that, he totally screams like a girl.  I'll prove it.”  Tinkletoes says pulling his phone out of his pocket he starts searching the Internet for confirmation. “See here it is.” Tinkletoes says, he walks across the room and leans against the wall between them so the murals can see what he found.

There it was, Monitor Man running out of a haunted obstacle course nearly running over the children in front of him and screaming loudly.

“Just like a girl.”   Tinkletoes says beaming.  “Waaaay louder than I screamed.”

The man holding the camera stops Monitor Man to ask him if he knew he screamed that way. The actor looked right at the camera and said, “Of course, I do that on purpose.  Studies show that if you are already scared and someone behind you screams, you'll scream too.  Even louder than the person behind you.” Monitor Man grins.   “I like to read psychology sometimes between takes.” He grins bigger, his eye twinkles.

House glares at Tinkletoes.   “He sounds like a really smart guy.”

“He's used to being in the public eye. It's probably some canned answer he keeps hidden away for this type of moment.”

“You think he goes to haunted houses and scary movies enough that he needs a canned answer to explain his girlish screams?”  House asks.

“Well, yeah.”

Tinkletoes pulls up another embarrassing piece of footage to share with Mural Man.

“What's this all about?”  House asks.

TP pops back in the room. “Tinkletoes likes Writer Lady.  He wants her attention. Tinkletoes is jeal-ous...” The faerie sings out.

“That's not it.”  Tinkletoes tries to argue.

“If Writer Lady likes Tinkletoes he thinks he won't have to buy her a new lawn mower too.  Silly human.  It's not going to work.  Tinkletoes will pay!  Pay over and over.”   TP says giggling.

House glares at Tinkletoes.

“What?”

“You wonder why I don't like you.”  She says.  “First thing mercenary, you have to decide what your first priority is Writer Lady's love or not having to buy that lawn mower.”

“Can't I have both?”   Tinkletoes asks.

“If Writer Lady is your priority,” House says pointing to Tinkletoes' search results.  “Keep watching Monitor Man.  Watch and learn soldier.  Watch and learn.”

“What can he teach me? Besides, it doesn't matter how many women want him he has a girlfriend.   I heard him say it.  More than once.”

“He can teach you how to get a girlfriend, moron.”  House says, pointing to an item on the phone.  “TP” she calls.  The item is immediately called up on Tinkletoes' phone.   It is an excerpt from an entertainment news show.   It was recorded the day before.

There are two female anchors sitting at a desk in front of a colorful set.  Large movie posters and pictures of actors and actresses are posted behind them.   A large “Hollywood” sign hangs above the posters.

Attention Ladies Hollywood's sexiest hottie is single again.  Monitor Man has recently broken up with his long time girlfriend, Incredibly Hot Woman. But if you want him you're going to have to act fast.  He already has someone he's interested in.  When we give you this scoop you will be shocked.   Stay tuned...

Everyone waits for more information.  The show picks up where it left off, cutting straight to an interview with Monitor Man.

“So Monitor Man what kind of woman has caught your eye?  She must be something to draw your attention from Incredibly Hot Woman. Which rising starlet is it?  Give us a hint.”  The interviewer asks.

“I won't give you any names.  I want to respect her privacy.   Besides, I don't even know if she would like a guy like me.” Monitor Man grins. “I will tell you this she's bright, funny and independent.  Oh and kind of spunky.”

Tinkletoes runs a hand across his mouth.  “It's her.   It's Writer Lady.  He likes Writer Lady.   If she sees this I have no chance.   She can't see this.”  Tinkletoes sends an e-mail with footage from the entertainment show attached and the message, “Call me after you've seen this.  Tink.”

Ten minutes later the phone rings.

“Duuuuuuude.”

“Thanks for calling Ray.”

“So what's up man?” Ray asks.

“Do you remember the story I told you about the Ninja Zombie war?  The actor guy?”

“Sure.”   There are munching noises in the background.   “That guy is super hot. You are so lucky he had a girlfriend or I'll bet Writer Lady would have run off with him.”

“The attachment in the e-mail I just sent you? That's the guy.”  Tinkletoes says.

“Duude, the guy in the video...he's single.”

“He wasn't during the war.”

“You fought in a war side by side with Monitor Man?  Duuude.  That is so cool.” Ray says.  The munching continues.

“Writer Lady and Monitor Man fought side by side.   I was at the other end of the hall doing the real damage.   That doesn't matter.  What matters is, he's single now.  He said he is already looking at someone.  He's looking at Writer Lady.  My Writer Lady.”

“Just a sec.  I have to send this attachment to my mom.  She thinks Monitor Man is so...hot.   She's been really bummed since that other dude got married.”

“No!  Don't spread that thing around.  I don't want Writer Lady to find out.”

“Sorry man but Mom would totally kick my ass if she found out I knew about this and I didn't tell her.  I'd never eat again.”  Ray says, crunching on something loudly.  “The cheese puffs are gone.”  He says crumpling up the bag. “I love cheese puffs.   This really sucks.”

“Ray.  I need you to focus.”

“My phone's beeping.  Just a sec.”

Tinkletoes paces and waits for Ray to return to the line.

“Duuude.  My mom is freaking out!   She's going for it!   She's just sure she's going to get Monitor Man's attention.   She said he just needs an experienced woman to love him.   Old ladies are so cute.”

“Ray.  I just need you to do one thing for me.”

“Mom just sent me an e-mail.   She says she's going to send Monitor Man a special picture and wait for his call.  She wants me to look at it first.”

Tinkletoes rubs a hand down his face and paces some more.

“No way.  No Way.   No Waaaaay.”

Smokin' Hot Super Stud

“Very Funny.” Tinkletoes says standing up and brushing himself off. As he closes the back door, Carp hands him a towel. “Do you think she heard?” He whispers.

TP pops into the room and says, “Carp, Writer Lady wants to know if you and your girlfriend want to join us for pizza.” TP giggles.

Tinkletoes hangs his head.

“There's your answer.” Carp says and turns to TP. “Yes we'll be there in a few minutes.” TP disappears in a puff of smoke.

“Relax. It will be a fun joke tonight then it will be forgotten about completely.”

“No.” Tinkletoes shakes his head. “That's it. I officially have no chance with her. Writer Lady will never see me as the smokin' hot, virile, super stud that I am now.”

“Super Stud?”

“Yeah, something wrong with that?”

“I'm just having trouble picturing that.” Carp says.

“I don't think I like you trying to picture it.” Tinkletoes says. “I'm a Super Stud Dammit!”

“Okay.” Carp turns his head away for a second to stifle his laughter.

“I have to make sure she doesn't forget it.” Tinkletoes says.

“Are you sure she's noticed?” Carp asked.

“Oh yeah, she's noticed.” Tinkletoes answers. “I can feel it.”

“This isn't a Star Wars movie we're living in here.”

Tinkletoes jerks his head up. “Don't disrespect the SW unless you wanna rumble.”

“No.”

Tinkletoes leans in close. “Darth Vader is real. One word from me and he will totally put the hurt on you.” Tinkletoes whispers. “Capesh?”

Carp nods.

“That's not what I was talking about though. I was referring to my Super Stud Sense. A man knows these things. I have to remind Writer Lady of how hot I am, make her forget about today's incident.”

Writer Lady's voice can be heard calling from the kitchen. “Pizza's ready! If you two love birds don't stop making out there won't be any left.”

“This is going to be a long night.” Carp says.

“There you two are. You almost missed out.” Writer Lady is standing by the stove keeping watch over the last four pieces. “You need to hurry. Dylan has come in twice already hoping to hear that you aren't hungry.”

“Where is everyone?” Tinkletoes asks.

“In the living room watching TV.”

Tinkletoes grins at Carp. Carp gets a plate and quickly takes custody of his two pieces leaving the room. “Thanks for the food.” Tinkletoes says pulling out his most dazzling smile.

“You're welcome. There would have been some bar-b-q but I was worried, came home early, and forgot to bring leftovers.”

“No, really. This is great.” Tinkletoes takes a step forward standing in Writer's Lady's space. “You are an amazing woman. Have I ever told you that before?”

“Thank you. You still have to replace the lawn mower.” Writer Lady answers.

“Will do. Pretty lady. Will do.” Tinkletoes smiles again. Taking his plate, he turns around and heads into the living room.

TP pops into the kitchen next to Writer Lady's shoulder.

“What was that about?” Writer Lady asks.

Stifling a laugh TP shakes his head and pops back out of the room.

Tinkletoes sits down next to Carp. “I have got it going on.” He says.

Carp looks at Tinkletoes and waits for more information.

“I turned up the heat in there a little. Poor woman. She never knew what hit her.”

“Did she take you in her arms right there in the kitchen? Pin you against the stove and take advantage of you? Did you leave her in the corner drooling and tearing at her clothes? What happened?”

“She said, 'You still have to replace the lawn mower.' She said it without yelling or hitting me. I was in her space. If she wasn't hot for me she would have hurt me.”

Carp rolls his eyes.

“What she doesn't know is this isn't over. I'm just getting started.”

“Really?”

“Of course, I just laid the foundation. I have to turn up the heat now. That's the only way the concrete is going to set.”

“You know, there are children here.” Carp points out.

“That's what bedtime is for. I think I need to go help with the dishes.” Tinkletoes says standing up. “Here let me take that for you.” He says taking Carp's plate and pizza.

“I'm not finished.” Carp says grabbing his pizza at the last second. “We used paper plates. There are no dishes.” He says to Tinkletoes' back.

“No.” Writer Lady says.

“No?”

“We used paper plates. The pizza came in a box. There are no dishes. So the answer is 'No' there is nothing you can help me with.”

“How about the trash can? I'll bet it's full. I'll just take that out for you.” Tinkletoes says walking over to the can. “It's empty.”

“I took it out already.” Writer Lady says.

Tinkletoes looks around for something to do. The kitchen is immaculate. He finds a well lit spot in Writer Lady's line of site. Yawning, Tinkletoes stretches, raising his arms up over his head. “It's been a long day. I'm tired.” Bringing his arms down slowly he starts flexing things. Writer Lady yawns and closes her eyes.

“Look...dammit...look!” Tinkletoes says.

“Did you say something?”

“No?”

“It must be House and Mural Man. We have an agreement about the noise level at night, they must have forgotten again. I'll go check on them.”

“Let me do that.” Tinkletoes volunteers.

“Are you sure? House doesn't like you much.”

“She's a lot happier since she met Mural Man. There won't be a problem.”

Writer Lady looks at Tinkletoes doubtingly.

“No. Really. I've got this.”