Pirate and The Lady of the Lake

Tinkletoes leans in, “What happened?”

Pirate does not speak.

Monitor Man looks at Tinkletoes, “This might be too difficult for him to talk about.”

Tinkletoes sits back and looks at Monitor Man. “He’s a man. It was years ago. He should have walked it off by now.”

Pirate studies his glass and drinks down the sand in one shot.

“It looks like he’s not.”

“Talking about it will help." Tinkletoes looks at Pirate. "What happened with Curves?”

Pirate removes his moonstone earring, disconnecting the moonstone, he holds it up with the tips of his fingers. Once again, the small round stone grows into a crystal ball. He holds up the crystal ball so that the other two men can look into it. “This is what happened.”

“It is a beautiful palace.”

“It is.” The Lady of the Lake agrees. “I have everything. Everything that I have ever wanted or needed.”

“Except?”

“Do I really have to tell you sir?” She asks with a raised brow.

He smirks. “Love.” He studies her then his eyes brighten.

“Why do you look at me like that?” She asks.

“Like what?” He asks with a grin.

“Like I am your meal.” She looks away. “I am The Lady of the Lake. You know not what you wish to dally with sir.”

“Let me dally.” Pirate says, taking a step closer, his voice deepens. “Then I will know.”

“I am The Lady of the Lake. No man that has ever come to me has not fallen deeply in love. They often find themselves drowning in the darkest waters of the lake.”

Pirate takes two steps closer. “I shall not fall in love then.” He says and kisses her.

After several seconds she places a hand on his chest and takes a step back. “You think yourself stronger than all of the magic that ever was? That ever will be? Stronger than the magic of Avalon?”

“Pirate.”

She kisses him. “That kiss tells me everything. You will leave me. You will leave me some day and break my heart.”

“I will not.”

“I am the Lady of the Lake. I have seen it.” She kisses him again. “Our kiss also tells me that memories of our time together will carry me through many years to come. I do believe, buccaneer, that I will have this time, whatever time, we are given.”

“Pirate. I’m a pirate, Luv.”

“You fell in love.” Monitor Man says.

“Aye. I did.” Pirate responds. He hangs his head as if the memories are sapping his energy. “I fell for her. I spent all of my moments with her, doing things for her, or thinking of things that I wanted to do for her.” He smiles. “I would draw sketches of flowers, trees, wooded paths to villages filled with shoppers on market day, anything that I thought she would admire.”

“She chucked you out, huh?” Tinkletoes asks. “You know, for doing all that flowery crap.”

“She is bound by the confines of the lake.” Pirate says.

“Her kingdom is the lake and only the lake?” Monitor Man asks.

Pirate nods.

“What?” Tinkletoes asks.

“She isn’t allowed to leave the water.” Monitor Man says, looking at Tinkletoes.

“Aren’t rulers supposed to be able to go wherever they want to?”

“Not in the world of magic.” Pirate says. “All was well for a time, until the sea began calling to me.”

“The sea is a jealous mistress.”

“She would call to me both in my dreams and when I was awake. I could hear the sound of her waves calling. My dreams of the sea became more vivid each night until one morning I awoke with the taste of her salt on my lips. Eventually, I could take no more. I had to return to her. I woke early one morning. I drew one final picture of the lady as she slept. I studied her curves one last time and left.”

“Did you tell her that you were going?” Monitor Man asks.

Pirate shakes his head.

“Did you leave her anything? A message. A note?”

Pirate raises his head and looks into the distance. “I did not. I could not.”

“No sketches or trinkets?”

“Nothing.”

A Giant, Tinkletoes and A Pirate's Story...Oh My!

The door opens to the Lady With The Long Golden Hair. A giant eyeball attached to a large beard covered cheek peers at Peter from over her left shoulder. Several pair of eyeballs peer into the house from behind her right one.

“I am the Lady With The Long Golden Hair. I am here to see my sister.”

“Come in.” Peter says.

The Lady With The Long Golden Hair looks at the giant eyeball. “As you can see I have made it here safely. Thank you Gordon.”

The giant eyeball glazes over at the sound of the Lady With The Long Golden Hair’s voice. She quickly moves out of the way of a splash of drool in the nick of time and enters the house.

A pair of lizards try to follow her inside.

“Shut the door.” She says. “Now.”

Peter shuts the door blocking the entrance of anyone or anything else that wishes to cross House’s threshold. Peter stands at the door to get a better look at the menagerie of males gathered outside. Dogs, cats, birds, bulls, cheetahs, ogres, bees. Was that a unicorn? A large bird bursts into flames as it flies past the door and falls to the ground in a pile of ash. The ashes rise and form a new bird that quickly grows feathers. It takes off and continues the journey that it was on before it burst into flames. There also men gathered on the outer edge of the lawn waiting. Looking at the house expectantly, hopefully, and sometimes woefully. Some are dressed up, some are wearing jeans and muscle shirts. A couple of them are arguing. Face to face, posturing, preparing for a fight. The eyeball returns. Peter lifts a hand and acknowledges the giant who is faithfully guarding the door.

Carp walks across the room and looks out through the door’s window. “So much for Tinkletoes’ idea.” He says.

The Lady With The Long Golden Hair looks at Carp and waits for him to finish speaking.

“It looks like they followed you here.” He says.

“This is a small percentage of the males that have been camped out at my home. Although, I do wish Gordon would have headed home when I left.” She says looking in the direction of the door.

The giant sees the Lady With The Long Golden Hair look in his direction. He sits down as close to the door as he can manage and proceeds to groom himself. He smooths his beard in the reflection of the door glass, checks his teeth, and pulls out a renegade nose hair.

There are a variety of sounds expressing disgust. Several heads turn away from the door.

Dylan runs to the door and watches closely. “Cool.” He says.

Ray walks up behind the boy and peers outside at the giant. “Dude...what’s so interesting.”

“Nose hair. Giant nose hair.” He answers. The boy turns and runs to his older brother. “Did you see that Peter? That giant has the biggest nose hairs of anyone.”

Peter nods.

Ray steps forward into the recently evacuated space and proceeds to study Gordon’s ministrations. Gordon sees Ray. With only a piece of glass and some wood to separate them, both giant and human peer at each other with curiosity.

“Don’t just stand there.” Carp says as he gestures to the blind hanging just above the door’s window. “Pull the shade.”

Ray pulls down the shade,turns, and re-enters the central part of the bonus room. There is a resounding thump.

Peter and Paige run back to another window and look at what’s happening outside.

“The giant is sitting in the middle of the driveway.” Peter announces. “He looks kind of sad.”

“He’s pouting.” Paige counters. “Pouting!”

Aunt Purdy’s voice can be heard coming up behind them. “Children don’t have a monopoly on pouting. We all have bad days. Get everyone assembled, then go get yourselves cleaned up. Dinner is ready.”

“I’m not feeling as hungry as I was a few minutes ago.” Peter says.

“Neither am I, Peter.” Carp says. The assassin-in-training follows behind him. “Neither am I.”

 Pirate's Story

“I arrived in Faerie for the first time, ten years ago, by misadventure. I had been relieved of my command and was left in a dinghy to find civilization or die. I was afloat for several days. In and out of consciousness. I dreamed strange dreams. I found myself wandering away from that dinghy in my mind and back to my childhood. Back to times before I knew my father, before I knew about pirates, when I was still very young. My mother and older sister would tell me stories of a land. A mystical place called, “Faerie.”

“Full of unicorns, rainbows, and forests made of chocolate and other sweet treats.” Paulie offered, setting Pirate, Tinkletoes, and Monitor Man up with their gritty drinks. “There is a dark side to Faerie. One that the tales all avoid.” The bartender looks at Sandy who has returned to his post. Sandy grins, showing all of his teeth.

“Grimm’s Fairy Tales.” Monitor Man offers.

“The Brothers Grimm took one bad day here, embellished it, and blew a few things that they had seen out of proportion. They wrote a book that became a classic. Humans still steer their children away from it to this day.” Paulie explains. “The pansies.” He walks to the far end of the bar and another customer leaving the trio alone to talk.

“Yes,” Pirate continues, “at first they were the sweet and gentle stories that you would tell a small child. I was a curious lad and hounded my sister for more. She told me the tales of knights fighting fire breathing dragons and ogres in battles to the death to win a place protecting future queens. There were beautiful queens, fair maidens, and of course, the Lady of the Lake.”

“Did you call out to her?” Monitor Man asks.

“Aye, in the delirium of my dreams, I must have because when I awoke I was alive, no longer sun sick or dehydrated inside a beautiful underwater castle in the middle of a deep and enchanted lake.”

“Alone, with the Lady of the Lake? With her deep blue eyes, beautiful smile, long flowing tresses...” Monitor Man says.

“And those curves.” Tinkletoes finishes.

“Aye...those too.”

Waiting For A Story

Pirate begins to close his hand around Excalibur’s hilt as it disappears and escapes his grasp.

“Bugger….Bloody...Bugger!” He curses. Pirate removes his moonstone earring,once the change has taken place, peers into the crystal ball that it has become. He sees their next destination. “I need a drink.” The privateer announces.

Both Tinkletoes and Monitor Man can see that quenching a thirst is far from Pirate’s central motivation.

“The bar’s inside. Let’s get you that drink.”

The threesome turn around and head back the way that they came.

Monitor Man stops walking. “I have a question.” He says. “What did you see?”

Pirate stops, turns his gaze from the bar’s back door to Tinkletoes then Monitor Man. “The gates of Hell, my friend. The gates of Hell.”

“No wonder you look a little pale.” Tinkletoes says.

“Aye.”

The door to the bar opens and the song “Midnight At The Oasis” spills outside. Sandy stands in the entry, the light illuminating from behind him. “Every time Excalibur moves, the closer to the Lady of the Lake it becomes.” The bouncer says.

“Until it reaches her shores.” Monitor Man offers.

“Aye. The gates of Hell.” Pirate says and hangs his head.

“It is only your hell.” Sandy counters.

“What happens if we miss the next stop?” Tinkletoes asks.

“Yeah. What happens if Excalibur reappears on the Lady of the Lake’s shores?” Monitor Man asks.

“What do you think happens?” Tinkletoes asks. “She kicks his butt.” The self-proclaimed mercenary looks at Pirate.

“What are you so scared of? Is she an ex?” Monitor Man asks.

“That is how the story goes.” Sandy says.

“No, she can't be.  The Lady of the Lake lives in fresh water. Pirates are lovers of the sea...” Monitor Man says.

Tinkletoes’ eyes sparkle and a grin crosses his lips. “It was her eyes. Her eyes were like two pools of water.”

Pirate raises his head and looks at Tinkletoes. He is not happy.

“Her smile brighter than the sun. I know, it was her long flowing tresses. Is that what they’re called, ‘tresses’? I heard Carp and Mural Man talkin’ about a woman’s ‘tresses’ once. Real men don’t use those kinds of words.” Tinkletoes says.

Pirate’s face reddens a bit. It stops. The color diminishes as quickly as it appeared. A smile crosses his lips. “Aye, her eyes are as deep and blue as the ocean and her smile brighter than the warmest sun. But, as the story goes, ‘tis how the waters run down the Lady of the Lake’s curves that draws a pirate in completely.”

“Those must be some curves.” Tinkletoes says with a grin.

“Aye. They have to be to entice a pirate into fresh water.” Pirate says with a devilish look in his eyes and a grin. “So you like a good story, do you?” 

Carp enters the room holding a scrap of cold pizza, “Of course you do. Let me fill you in on all of the juicy little details. Is there any more pizza?”

“Damon just took the last piece.” Peter says.

“What’s happened?” Paige asks Carp.

Carp turns to see Damon digging into the last piece being fully aware that he can hardly take food from a grown demon with a fully developed pair of razor sharp horns, the assassin-in-training sighs, “I will tell you as soon as I find more food.”

“Inter-dimensional travel makes humans hungry.” TP announces.

“House? I was wondering if you might cook something.” Carp says.

“No can do Fancy Pants.”

“I know how you feel about Tinkletoes. I won’t tell. I promise.”

“I’m a house you dunce, no thumbs.” House answers. “I can’t cook.”

Mural Man nods his head. “Trust me. She can’t. Not here.” Mural Man whispers, “Even in Faerie she can’t cook.”

“That’s not what you said in Faerie. You said that the food had disappeared so quickly that you didn’t realize that you had eaten anything.”

“That’s because I hadn’t. I waited until you took a nap and fed it to the grass gators.”

“You what?!” The walls of the bonus room change color from their standard antique white to dark red then to bright red as her anger rises.

Mural Man pales, “The grass gators. I wasn’t feeling good, the whole switch from paper to human form made me a little bit woozy and they looked really hungry.”

“I spent a whole day planning that meal and the next one cooking and you fed it to the grass gators!”

“If it’s any consolation the grass gators ate it all. They looked full and happy when they left.”

House is still fuming.

“Carp, may I retract my previous statement? I would like to say that House makes stupendous grass gator chow.”

“Stupendous?” Carp asks.

“Stupendous.”

“House,” Carp says. “Mural Man confesses that your cooking is stupendous. Since I cannot enjoy your amazing skills I will have to go with pantry pilfering.”

Aunt Purdy looks at Paige, gives the girl one more hug and heads for the kitchen. “Don’t worry Carp. I’ll make sure that everyone gets something to eat.” Carp reaches for her arm and stops her in mid-stride. “Aunt Purdy you are as caring as you are charming.”

Aunt Purdy smiles, leans in, and whispers. “That is lovely. Save it for your next book.”

Carp drops his hand.

Aunt Purdy continues smiling and gives him a wink. “I’ll have something ready in no time,” she says and disappears into the kitchen.

Paige sits down at the table in the bonus room and points to the chair next to her. When nothing happens she looks at Carp, and points to the chair.

Carp sits down.

“Your dinner is coming.” The nine year-old girl says. “Spill.”

“Okay, bossy.”

“It’s not bossy. I have leadership qualities.”

“Tell that to your future mother-in-law someday. She won’t buy it either.”

Damon crosses the room and stops behind Carp’s chair. “Tell.” He says.

“There we are. Tinkletoes and I walking through Faerie. We found a road early on and the first creature that we encounter is an antelope.”

“An antelope?” Paige asks and crinkles her nose clearly disappointed.

“Antelope. Good.” Damon says.

Carp turns and faces Damon. “Black Buck is my friend. Please don’t talk about him like he’s food.” He turns back to Paige.

“Antelope good food.” Damon says.

Carp begins to turn and make his point to the demon again, Paige reaches out and touches his arm. “Would you please just get to the story?”

“Okay. Where was I?”

“You met an antelope.”

A Thump Thump Thump comes from outside the back door. Then knocking.

“She comes.” Damon says.

Peter crosses the room and opens the door.

Sand Sharks And Storage Rooms

Pirate stops them right outside of the bouncer’s hearing. “Remember, in Faerie nothing is as it appears to be.”

Tinkletoes looks at the bouncer, a heavily muscled man in jeans, a t-shirt, and steel-toed boots. The bouncer doesn’t wear a name tag. His t-shirt simply reads, “Sandy.” He grins, showing his unusually large teeth. They gleam in the darkness. “Not what it seems. Yeah, sure. Got it.”

The threesome approach their new (coughs) friend who nods at the door next to him. He turns on a light and everyone enters. Sandy follows and closes the door behind him. “So what can I do for you gentlemen this evening.” The bouncer has strange eyes that go with his teeth. They are a silver blue glowing with iridescence, with empty pupils that appear to look through you. He takes a fine, white bone out of his jeans pocket and begins chewing on it as if it were a toothpick. Several moments pass. “Is someone gonna talk or would you like me to guess?”

“No. No. NO!” House says with emphasis. “There has to be a second floor or the design won’t work. My ceilings already have to be raised to accommodate Diomedes. It’s completely practical.”

The rest of the group look at each other. Damon picks up the eraser and begins to remove the second floor from the white board for the third time.

“My Lady, I may assure that I am a mature dragon. I have finished growing.”

“Duuude. She tried.” Ray says as he looks at the rest of the group.

“You said yourself that you don’t know what kind of dragon Furnatche is. Clearly he is not done growing.”

Ray, Diomedes,Peter, Paige, Dylan, and Damon all look at Furnatche who is wandering the bonus room in search of a treat.

“Duuude...she has a point.” Ray admits.

The group continues studying Furnatche. The dragon picks up a scent. He gives his head a quick shake and tendrils emerge from the circumference of the dragon’s nose. The tendrils expand leaving room for a brown nodule to emerge from their ends. As the tendrils swirl back and forth, the nodules open and close like tiny mouths taking in air. Furnatche smells something and it’s much more interesting than his usual cookie. He walks to the back door, begins scratching at it and whining. The knob turns and Writer Lady walks through it carrying both of the kittens. Dobby follows, with Carp and TP bringing up the rear. She stops, looks down at Furnatche, and smiles. “Hi Sweetie.” Writer Lady says as she sets both kittens on the floor and squats down to pet him. Furnatche thumps his tail happily in response.

“It’s about time.” Paige says, as the rest of the group eases past Writer Lady to enter the house. “She spent the entire time redesigning herself. Adding rooms, taking away rooms, whining about substandard windows, and old carpeting. Do you know how hard it is to deal with that?” Paige says as she points to House.

Writer Lady looks at Paige and stands, “Yes. I do. How long were we gone?”

“How long do you think you were gone?” Paige asks as she crosses her arms.

“A few days but it feels like months.”

Ray and Dylan look at each other and Ray grins. “It’s only been a couple of hours.”

“Really? Everyone is famished. I could really use a shower. There’s a lot going on. My sister should be arriving shortly. Let her in the moment she arrives and no one else. We have a bit of a situation.”

“A bit of a situation?” Paige asks.

“Yes...a little bit.”

“How much is a little bit?” The girl presses.

“It’s about five.” Writer Lady says, looking at the clock. “So...let me put it this way, rest up. It could be a very long night. I will share more after I get out of the shower, find a smoothie pitcher and an I.V.”

Writer Lady feels Paige’s glare as she leaves the room.

A closet door opens and Aunt Purdy backs out of it. “There were no cookies in there. What was that dragon thinking?” Aunt Purdy looks at Paige. “I know that face.” She crosses to Paige and hugs her. “I know Sweetie. It’s tough being so smart and mature for your age. You are trusted with grown-up responsibilities but have none of the fun.” Aunt Purdy looks at Peter and winks over the top of Paige’s head.

He nods and smiles, shaking his head. “Girls.” He mutters.

“I think that I have the right to know what’s going on.” Paige says.

Sandy uses the bone to dig into his gumline, he pulls something neon orange out of it, inspects it for a moment, and flicks it on to the floor. The foreign object disappears into the unknown the moment that it makes contact. “Who’s going to tell me what’s going on?”

“We’re looking for something.” Monitor Man offers, hoping that Pirate or Tinkletoes will take over.

“Something.” The bouncer repeats. “Anything specific?”

Pirate looks around the storage room. He searches around stacks of boxes and crates. Every few moments he stops and turns his head as if listening for something. “Excalibur.”

“I’m listening.” Sandy says.

“The Lady With The Long Golden Hair is in need of protection.”

“The Treimhse Ar Adoration?” The bouncer asks.

Pirate nods.

“We heard it’s real bad this year.” Sandy removes a smaller bit from his teeth, this one is green and furry. He flicks it away. “So you thought you’d come in, steal it, use it, and return it before anyone’s the wiser?”

“Something like that.” Tinkletoes says.

Monitor Man nods.

“Borrow.” Pirate says. “No one seems to understand the concept of the word ‘borrow’.”

“See this is Faerie and with all things Faerie come unexpected challenges...shall I say? Excalibur, she’s a fine sword and will likely protect your ladyship. It also is Excalibur. A legendary sword that radiates both magic and power. He who wields Excalibur rules all of the English empire. Access to that kind of power is a bitch to give up once you’ve had it at your disposal.” He looks through Pirate. “Are you the type of man who can give that power back? The type of man that will return it to its rightful home once the crisis is over?”

“I will.” Pirate responds, slowly as if he is beginning to get a clearer picture of the challenges that face him.

“We’ll make sure that he does.” Tinkletoes says.

Sandy looks around the room and studies the three men. “I like you. Excalibur was at The Oasis. She had to be moved.”

“Do you know where she is now?” Monitor Man asks.

“She’s out back.” Sandy says with a nod of his head.

An Actor, A Self-Proclaimed Mercenary and A Pirate Walk Into A Sand Bar

Monitor Man crosses to Writer Lady. He gently takes her by the arm and guides her away from the group.

“He’s right.”

She makes a face.

“I know.” Monitor Man looks into Writer Lady’s eyes and says, “Would you please return home with everyone else and look after things, as a favor, to me?”

Writer Lady glares at Tinkletoes and says, “He’s a pig.”

“He’s acting like one,” Monitor Man looks in Tinkletoes’ direction,“but I think that there’s a reason for it. I’m not sure what it is. I hope there’s a reason for it.” He turns his gaze back to Writer Lady and leans in to whisper, “Will you do it? For me?”

Writer Lady thinks for a moment, her eyes light up, and a smile crosses her lips disappearing nearly as quickly as it appeared. “Okay. Everyone is tired.” She sighs. “I’ll do it for you.” She addresses the entire group, “Okay everyone, let’s find the road. It’s time to go home.”

Smudge Mal and Spots Wash both start wiggling in protest.

“I want to do guy things.” Spots Wash says.

“I want to play with a big ass sword.” Smudge Mal announces.

“Smudge Mal!” Writer Lady exclaims. “You’re supposed to be the good one.”

“Sor—ry.”

“You shouldn’t impose those kinds of expectations on him Mom.” Dobby says. “It can be frustrating.”

“Yeah!” TP giggles, appearing next to Smudge Mal’s bright pink nose. “It’s bad for his self-esteem!” The faerie giggles as he hides his smile.

“Where have you been?”

“Busy.” TP says.

“We’ve been lost in Faerie all this time, knowing nothing about the place, tired, hungry, and all you can say is “busy?”

TP spins around, changing into a zoot suit complete with hat and watch chain. “It’s Faerie lady, if you want something then all you gotta do is ask.” He says in his tough guy accent as he flips a coin.

“I knew that.” Carp announces.

Writer Lady’s glare shifts from TP to Carp. “That would have been a handy little piece of information to have wouldn't it?”

Carp pales slightly and looks away.

The unlikely trio watch as Writer Lady, Carp, Blackbuck the Antelope, three cats, two unicorns, and a faerie find their way back into the rainforest.

Tinkletoes leans over and whispers to Monitor Man, “When we take off for wherever it is we’re going, keep an eye out for Writer Lady. That look she gave you earlier, when she was bein’ all agreeable? I’ve seen it before.”

“She has a few tricks up her sleeves, does she?” Pirate asks.

“She’ll surprise ya.”

“This isn’t so bad.” Tinkletoes says as he enters The Sand Bar.

Pirate’s boots slosh as he follows Tinkletoes in response. The privateer does not look happy.

“I thought you’d be happy.” Tinkletoes says. “You’re a pirate, this is the ocean.”

“He probably would be if you’d let us stop long enough to empty the desert sand from our boots before we entered the water.”

“It’s all the same, it’s sand. It was only few inches of water. Quit yer whining. You’re actin’ like a couple of girls.” Tinkletoes looks around the darkened room. The self-proclaimed mercenary can make out the shapes of the tables and chairs, the silhouettes of the patrons as they moved but nothing more. Monitor Man and Pirate follow stopping on either side of him. All three look around as they search for their contact. They all hear the lining up of glasses on the bar, the clinking of bottles as they are set down at the same time.

“It looks like the bartender is over there.” Tinkletoes says, gesturing with a nod of his head.

A light slowly brightens, illuminating the bartender and the bar as well. A man stands at the bar slowing pouring sand into tall, narrow glasses. He is a tall man, nearly as tall as Tinkletoes and nicely muscled. He has pale skin, small warm brown eyes, and protruding teeth that are offset by a deep glowing green mustache, and closely trimmed goatee. His hair is bright blue. The color of the water the men had just walked through with rainbow colored highlights spread throughout. He’s wearing a t-shirt that says, “Sandman” and a name tag that says, “Paulie.”

“You Paulie?” Tinkletoes calls as they approach the bar.

“Yeah. Who wants to know?” He asks as he slides the glasses that he has just filled down the bar into the unknown. The abrupt end of the sound of glass sliding along the bar’s surface the only indication that there is anyone in the darkness to receive it.

“We do.” Monitor Man says. “We went to The Oasis and there was a sign that said it was closed for maintenance if anyone needed further assistance to come to The Sand Bar and ask for Paulie.”

Paulie wipes off the bar and pulls out a small basket of snack crackers. He starts eating them. “What is it that you need exactly?” He asks between bites.

“We were hoping to gain access to The Oasis for a few minutes.” Monitor Man answers.

“Looking for something?”

Monitor Man looks at Tinkletoes and then answers. “This is Faerie. It’s my first trip. I heard that The Oasis is where Faerie’s magical core resides.” Monitor Man smiles, turning up the charm a notch or two. “I was hoping to see some magic.”

“Magic? This is Faerie. You’re surrounded by magic.”

Monitor Man is not getting very far, Pirate looks around the bar searching for another source of information. His gaze stops by a door in a far corner. He studies the bouncer. The bouncer studies him. They nod at each other. Pirate’s lips turn up in a brief smile. The bouncer grins showing his massive teeth. Pirate turns back and faces the bar, he reaches out and places a hand on Monitor Man’s shoulder giving him a signal to stop talking.

“Of course he is.” Pirate agrees. “Thank you. We’ll be going now. This way gentlemen.” The privateer says as he leads Tinkletoes and Monitor Man into a storage room and a meeting with a sand shark.

When A Self-Proclaimed Mercenary Meets A Pirate

“As I told you earlier, I am always up to no good. I can always be counted on for that. If you would be so kind.”

Writer Lady steps aside to let him pass.

“I don’t know.” Tinkletoes says as he steps into the clearing. “I think that I’d like to hear a bit more.” The self-proclaimed mercenary is standing behind the pirate along with Monitor Man, Carp, Blackbuck Antelope and both unicorns.

“I would love to explain the specifics, but, I am a bit pressed for time.”

Tinkletoes looks at the rest of the group. “That’s okay. We’ll go with you. You can talk as we walk.”

Pirate frowns.

“I can see from your face that you really don’t want us to go with you. You’d rather take Writer Lady off into parts unknown, wouldn’t you?”

Pirate looks at Writer Lady. He smirks a little, “She is full of unexplored possibilities.” His face becomes serious again. “I am well and truly on a most important mission. So if you don’t mind.”

“What’s the rush?”

“The Lady With The Long Golden Hair is in great danger. Time is of the essence.”

“What’s goin’ on?” Tinkletoes asks.

“It is Treimhse Ar Adoration. The Period of Adoration. Unfortunately, along with the human suitors that we are well fortified to deal with, animals of all sorts have arrived along with various mystical creatures.”

“What kind?” Carp asks.

“Giants, ogres, elves...a minotaur.”

“Man, beast,...” Monitor Man says.

“ and one big ass bull.” Tinkletoes finishes the sentence.

“Oh my.” Carp exclaims.

“They are pushing against the defenses, trampling the herb garden, licking the glass.”

“Oh no! Not that!” Tinkletoes says with a grin.

Writer Lady makes a face and a sound of warning to go with it.

“I assure you that this is no laughing matter.” Pirate says.

“So um...has anyone tossed their undies down the chimney?”

“It will take months to get that mess cleared out.”

Tinkletoes starts laughing and is silenced by all of the disapproving faces. When a rainbow colored kitten thinks that you are showing poor taste then you probably are. “What if we bought you some time? If I remember correctly The Lady With The Long Golden Hair lives in the country. What if we moved her? To town? Would the mystical creatures follow her to town? If there were witnesses?”

“Some might be inclined to leave, eventually.”

“Let’s move her to Writer Lady’s house.” Tinkletoes suggests. “There are people that can protect here there until you get back.”

Pirate ponders this suggestion.

“It’s not the worst idea.” Carp admits.

“I want my sister to be protected but I think that y’all are forgetting one tiny detail. Her house is enchanted to protect her.”

It is pirate’s turn to smile. “The enchantments surround her. Wherever The Lady With The Long Golden Hair goes she is protected. If she is in a house or in a car it is included within those spells.” He says.

“What about...”

Pirate holds up a finger to request silence. “With a few words the protection spells can be expanded to include everyone within the dwelling.”

“There ya go. We’re all set.” Tinkletoes grins. He looks at Writer Lady “You take everyone home, look after the house, and your sister. Monitor Man and I will take this here...pirate to steal the fancy ass sword.”

“We’re borrowing it.” Pirate repeats.

“I’m not sure that’s the best idea.” Writer Lady says.

“This is a delicate situation.” Pirate agrees. “It requires subtlety, grace...”

“The ability to blend in?” Monitor Man asks.

“In other words it requires someone who has the ability to be quiet.” Writer Lady points out, raising an eyebrow.

“I was a sniper. You have to be quiet and able to blend in with your surroundings.” Tinkletoes says.

“He told me that he was Special Ops.” Carp announces. “He worked with explosives.”

Tinkletoes begins to argue and closes his mouth. He opens his mouth to make a different point---thinking of something with a little bit more meat to it. “If it requires all the quiet stuff then what’s a pirate doin’ here?”

No one speaks.

“Well?” He asks.

“Have you ever met a pirate sir?” Pirate asks.

“You.”

“Ah...so you don’t know much about them.”

“They like black flags with skulls on ‘em, they talk funny, dress kinda girly.”

Pirate looks at Tinkletoes and continues, pretending he never heard the end of the last comment. “A pirate does attack ships, plunder goods, even raid settlements if there is a particularly valuable treasure being stored there. A pirate also walks through the shadows, distracts those in his path, and silently takes what is to become his without rustling a single leaf. A pirate can do anything that is required of him. I am very good at being quiet.” Pirate takes a step and leans in close. “Savvy?”

“Which is exactly what I do too.” Tinkletoes says without blinking an eye.

Several mouths drop open at once.

Writer Lady steps in between the two men. She faces Tinkletoes. “I think that Pirate made all the necessary points. Don’t you?”

“Yeah.” Tinkletoes looks around Writer Lady to speak to Pirate. “What happens if you need some muscle?”

Writer Lady doesn’t move.

“You go on home.” Tinkletoes says, he looks at Writer Lady and gestures to Carp, Blackbuck, Dobby, the kittens and the unicorns with a nod. “We’ve got guy stuff to do.”

When A Pirate Comes To Faerie

Pirate looks at Writer Lady expectantly.

“You were serious?” She asks.

“When it comes to an exchange of goods I am always serious.”

Writer Lady thinks for a bit. She hands first one kitten to Pirate and then the other. “Here. Hold these.” She says. Writer Lady begins searching her person for something that a pirate might find of value. She mutters as she searches.

He makes a face and gently places them on the ground next to Dobby.

As she searches, he checks on the source of the bright light. He returns to Writer Lady and attempts to move things along.

Pirate leans forward and whispers, “A bit of gold, silver, a gem or two. Anything her ladyship might have on hand.”

Writer Lady checks her wrists, her hands for rings. Her ears. She’s not wearing earrings. Did she tuck a few bills into her bra before leaving home? He may not value paper money, although, he has little reason not to. On the other hand, it doesn’t hurt to check. Writer Lady pulls her top out to get a better look.

“Would you happen to have a flask on hand?” He asks. Before she can answer, Pirate leans in and peers down. “You’ve got enough room for a flask. Possibly more than one.”

Writer Lady looks up and finds herself face to face, nose to nose, nose to face...does it matter...with Pirate. She wants to yell but quietly reminds herself that she knows little about Pirate and how he came to be of service to The Lady With The Long Golden Hair. It is possible that he is from another time. His decorum might be acceptable behavior where he is from, although she can’t imagine how. She responds quietly. “No. Not a flask to be found. Sorry.” She closes her top, as she rests her hand across the notch between her collarbones it touches something. Metal. Her necklace. Of course. “Silver will do, won’t it?” She asks, as she removes the necklace.

“Yes. I believe that I did mention silver.”

“This?” Writer Lady asks. She holds up a silver pendant.

“It all spends the same Luv.” Pirate says with a grin as he accepts the trinket and tucks it away. He returns to peering through the bushes at the source of light.

Curious as to what could be so interesting, Writer Lady leans over his shoulder for a peek.

“Could you reach ‘round front while your back there? I have an itch that I can’t seem to get to.” He says.

Writer Lady stands up and takes a step back.

“You’re not feeling as adventurous as I’d hoped you were.” He says. “My treasure lies in that clearing. If you’ll excuse me.”

Dobby pokes Writer Lady in the back of the thigh with a claw.

“Wait.” She says.

“So you are feeling adventurous.” He says. His grin has returned and eyes are beginning to brighten.

“My kitten.” Writer Lady says. She holds up Smudge Mal.

Pirate looks at the rainbow colored feline. “Yes, you have a kitten. One that was unfortunate enough to sit downwind from a unicorn sneeze. Still...she is cute enough. Have fun.” Pirate says. He turns back towards his treasure.

“Don’t...can you help me?” She asks.

“With nasal excrement from a mystical creature?”

She nods.

Pirate retrieves the silver pendant and gently bites down. “That would take magic. Magic and grooming. Do you have some water from Merlin’s well?”

Writer Lady shakes her head.

“A mermaid’s scale, freely given?”

“No.”

“What about a flea from a minotaur’s back?”

“I don’t have that either.”

“Then I’m sorry, I can’t help you.” Pirate turns around, he pushes apart palm limbs and steps into the clearing. Writer Lady and Dobby follow closely enough to see the light vanish seconds before Pirate reaches it.

“Bugger.” He says. Pirate stares at the empty and much dimmer space. “All’s fair in love and war isn’t it Darling?” He mutters. Pirate reaches up and removes a gold hoop earring with a pea size moonstone dangling from it. Removing the moonstone and replacing the gold hoop, Pirate holds the tiny stone with the tips of three fingers and stares at it. The air surrounding the stone moves, sparkling, changing the stone. It slowly grows into a crystal ball, eventually coming to rest in the palm of his hand. “Where will I be traveling to next?” Pirate asks. Within seconds, an image of an oasis on the outer reaches of a desert appears inside.

Writer Lady approaches, stopping, she stands next to Pirate and peers into the ball. “Is that an oasis?”

“Aye. An oasis located along the farthest reaches of the Desert of Neverending Thirst. The treasure that I am pursuing is quite valuable and I would expect nothing less from The Lady Of The Lake.”

She continues studying the image.

Smudge Mal’s nose presses up against the outside of the ball. “Is that a sword? Cool.”

Writer Lady peers into the ball more closely. “The Lady Of The Lake.” She whispers. She looks at Pirate, then looks at the image again. “That’s Excalibur.” Writer Lady announces.

“Could you say it just a bit louder? I’m not sure that absolutely everyone heard you.”

Spots Wash reaches out and scratches at the crystal ball. “Pretty ball. Can I play with it?” He asks.

“No Spotsy. It’s not that kind of ball.” She answers.

Pirate turns west.

Writer Lady follows.

“You wouldn’t happen to know where the nearest fresh water source is, would you?” He asks. “It appears that I’ll be taking a bit of walk.”

“There’s a stream about two miles to the north. And a river about a half a mile away. There are crocodiles hidden in the grass.” Dobby says.

“Aye. Grass Gators, as beautiful as they are deadly.” He turns to face Dobby, which doesn’t take long, the ginger tabby is behind the pirate and standing next to Writer Lady. “Thank you.” He turns around and takes a step forward...or so he thinks.

Writer Lady blocks his path.

“If you’ll excuse me.” He says.

She refuses to budge.

“This is an endeavor of the utmost importance. I have quite a walk if I want to reach the Desert Of Neverending Thirst before nightfall. It has been lovely seeing you again, but I must go.”

Writer Lady still refuses to move.

“As I told you before Milady, I am unable to help you at this time.”

“What are you doing coming into Faerie and stealing Excalibur?” She asks.

“We are not stealing. We are borrowing. Her Ladyship and I have found ourselves in need of it.”

“My sister?” Writer Lady asks.

“Yes.” Pirate confirms.

“Why? What happened? When?”

“There is bit of a situation with Her Ladyship. Her ‘Treimhse Ar Adoration’ is upon us. We are only borrowing. We have permission.”

“Permission?” She asks. “From who?”

“I do believe that you meant ‘whom’ Luv.”

Writer Lady glares at Pirate.

“I spoke with a resident and he assures me that the unannounced loan will not be a problem. The residents of Faerie cannot see me. Her Ladyship has loaned me a bit of her magic. No one will know that it’s gone including The Lady of the Lake. We really do have it all planned out. So if you’ll just let me get going.”

“You are taking custody of a magical item of tremendous value. I need to know more before I leave you to your...business. Whose idea was this? Tricking the faerie into letting you steal...”

“Na...uh...uh.” Pirate scolds.

“Convincing the faerie to lend you Excalibur.”

“Much better Milady.” He says. “Sometimes it’s not the nature of what you’re doing that’s important, just how palatable you can make it sound to others. It was your sister’s idea.”

Writer Lady looks at Pirate, she is unconvinced.

“There is something wrong with your face Luv. It looks like you’ve just eaten something disgusting.”

“I don’t believe you.”

Pirate reaches into his coat and retrieves a small mirror.

“I don’t believe that steal...”

Pirate raises a finger to his lips in a shushing gesture. “This year she has attracted not only humans, but animals and mystical beings as well. I can assure you that procuring Excalibur in a less than completely honest manner was her idea only because of the current situation.”

“Using my sister’s magic to trick the Lady of the Lake into thinking that Excalibur never left Faerie?”

“That was my idea.” He confesses.

Enter The Pirate

Tinkletoes shakes his head.

The faerie pushes against Tinkletoes’ hand.

“Thank you.” Writer Lady says, looking at Monitor Man.

“You’re welcome. I hate that I couldn’t fix it for you.” Monitor Man answers.

Tinkletoes’ mouth drops open. “She’s thanking him? She got tricked into coming to Faerie, had to save him, she had to trek through a rainforest because of him, she’s hungry, and tired. He delivers more bad news and gets a “thank you?” The self-proclaimed mercenary looks at Dobby. The ginger tabby shrugs. “This must be stopped.” He looks at TP, cups each hand around the faerie, and tucks him into his coat pocket. Tinkletoes looks into the darkness and says, “Stay there.” He crosses the road and stops where Monitor Man, Smudge Mal, Spots Wash, and Writer Lady have gathered. “I have a question.” Tinkletoes says. “When does Monitor Man get it?”

“What?”

“When are you going to get angry, scream, and yell? When are you gonna kick his butt?”

“I’m not.” Writer Lady says.

“Your cat is a walking rainbow.” Tinkletoes gestures to Smudge Mal, “With a bright pink smudge on his nose.”

“That’s not Monitor Man’s fault.”

“It’s always the man’s fault with you. Kick his ass.”

Writer Lady sighs. “You make it sound like I do this thing every day. Like there are random wounded men all lined up, sitting along the edge of the road.”

“You don’t hesitate to bust my butt.” Tinkletoes says.

“You do stuff.” She says. “Only because you do stuff.”

Tinkletoes shakes his head, “Monitor Man should get the same treatment.”

Writer Lady raises her voice. “He has to screw up to get that treatment.”

Tinkletoes shakes his head. “You treat him different.”

“I do. He doesn’t exploit my baking to his own ends, he doesn’t shoot up my sheds, or play with my feminine napkins.”

“I paid for those and bought you new ones.”

“You went to the store and got confused by all the girl stuff. The employees found you sitting in the middle of the aisle crying. You had to be escorted from the store.”

“You said you wouldn’t mention that again.” Tinkletoes counters.

“I haven’t until today.”

As the exchange continues humans, kittens, cat, antelope, and mystical creatures all grow more uncomfortable with each passing moment. Monitor Man pales a little more each time that his name is mentioned.

“You treat Monitor Man different because he’s pretty. He’s a pretty boy actor so he gets treated different.”

Writer Lady shakes her head.

“What is it then?” Tinkletoes asks.

Writer Lady keeps shaking her head.

Tinkletoes feels something strange and looks at his coat pocket. TP is moving around making the pocket protrude in odd ways. “It looks like TP wants to weigh in on this one.” With a puff of smoke TP is out of Tinkletoes’ pocket and fluttering around. The faerie’s eyes are bright with mischief, he is grinning from ear to ear.

“Writer Lady doesn’t treat Monitor Man differently because he’s a pretty boy actor. I think that she treats him differently because he’s a good kisser.” The faerie giggles.

Tinkletoes looks at Writer Lady then Monitor Man, then at Writer Lady. “So, when did this happen?”

Writer Lady doesn’t say a word.

“Haven’t you got anything to say for yourself?” Tinkletoes asks.

Still nothing.

“No. She doesn’t.” Carp calls out. The assassin-in-training joins the group making sure to take the long way around the unicorns. “But I do. You snooze you lose.”

Tinkletoes’ face reddens and his jaw clenches. “What did you say?”

“You snooze, you lose.”

“Carp. Don’t you think that’s a little bit harsh?” Writer Lady asks.

“No. I don’t. Tinkletoes, how long have you known Dobby?”

“Four...four and a half years.”

“You’ve been visiting with him for four and a half years. And Writer Lady too.”

“Yeah.”

“You’ve had four and a half years to get something started. But you didn’t.”

“I...um...”

“You didn’t.” Carp looks at Tinkletoes with disgust.

“Bwok...bwok...bwok.” TP says, the faerie is wearing rainbow colored chicken feathers and scratching at the ground. “I’m hunting chickens.” He says, the faerie disappears in a rainbow of smoke.

Carp ignores TP and continues,“Monitor Man comes along and he’s so.” Carp looks at Monitor Man. “He’s so...” He’s still looking at Monitor Man. “He’s so….” Carp sighs and looks at Monitor Man with full adoration. “He’s so kind, thoughtful, absolutely yummy. Look at those sweet eyes.” Carp looks at Writer Lady. “The eyes just bring it all together don’t they?” He asks.

Writer Lady nods.

“You haven’t been getting anywhere. Monitor Man came into her life once as a friend. It was nice. Later he returned, it was war, not between them but the timing wasn’t right either. He has returned again...and...she kissed him.

“A kiss that we have not discussed since it happened.” Monitor Man points out.

“That was why the thing happened with your hair and the back of your pants?” Tinkletoes asks, looking at Monitor Man.

Monitor Man nods.

“And you haven’t talked about it?” Tinkletoes asks. “People are calling me ‘chicken.’”

“Presidential campaigns, Monitor Man being kidnapped, tracking down assassin kittens, putting a stop to this craziness, and a rainbow colored kitten. Now there are unicorns. I’ve been a little bit busy here.”

“She does have a point.” Monitor Man agrees.

Tinkletoes nods.

“It’s not nice to leave a guy hanging either.” Tinkletoes says.

“He’s got a point there too.” Monitor Man agrees with Tinkletoes. “I’m a good kisser. It’s nice to hear.”

Writer Lady groans in frustration. “This is ridiculous. It wasn’t my idea. Carp made me do it.”

“I told you that you should jump on the opportunity to kiss him.” Carp says, correcting Writer Lady. “The thing with the hands, the hair, and the butt...that was all you girl.”

Writer Lady makes a new noise. “If I don’t get out of here, I’m going to hurt somebody.” She picks up Smudge Mal and Spots Wash. “Come on Kitties, we’ll sort this out on our own.”

Both unicorns follow Writer Lady further into the rainforest.

“Was that a growl?” Tinkletoes asks.

TP giggles.

“Mom?” Dobby calls. The ginger tabby follows an irritated Writer Lady, you know, just in case.

Spots Wash wiggles in Writer Lady’s hand. “Stop wiggling Kitty or I could drop you.” She says without looking at him. “Too close Mom. Unicorn boogers.” Writer Lady stops and looks down at the kitten who is dangling close to his multi-colored brother. “You just called me ‘Mom.’” Writer Lady says, her eyes tearing up for a moment.

“Yeah. What does it mean?” Spots Wash asks.

Writer Lady laughs. “It means you don’t have to be corralled right next to your brother.” She takes Smudge Mal in her other hand and continues walking. “Although it is nice to able to hold both of you in one hand.”

“It’s kind of cramped.” Spots Wash says.

“Don’t forget Mom, I liked you first.” Smudge Mal says.

Writer Lady says, “Don’t you worry Kitty. I haven’t.” She answers, smiling. She sees a clearing. Not exactly a clearing. The darkened rainforest is becoming unusually bright. She follows the light. Writer Lady sees something to her right. Something twinkles. A shadow comes into the open ahead of her. Something twinkles again. “I know that shape.” She mutters.

Dobby uses the opportunity to catch up.

“What is it?” Smudge Mal asks.

“It’s Pirate.”

“Don't you mean it’s a pirate?” Dobby asks.

“No. It’s Pirate. The Lady With The Long Golden Hair’s protector?”

“From The Ninja Zombie War?”

“We should see what he’s doing.” Dobby suggests. “Maybe he can help.”

“I don’t know.” Writer Lady says walking in the same direction Pirate went.

“He helped before.” Dobby points out, following her.

“A pirate in Faeire? He may be up to no good.” She says as she continues to approach the pirate crouched in front of her. He is peering at the source of the bright light.

The pirate turns around, “I’m always up to no good Luv. What did you bring me?”

Unicorns and Rainbows

Carp and Black Buck Antelope look up. Monitor Man and the two kittens sit quietly on two separate branches of a large tree.

“Who’s we?” Carp asks.

“Writer Lady, Tinkletoes, both these kittens, and me.” Monitor Man says. “Everyone is ready to go.”

Carp hears a snort and a sound that reminds him of a hoof pawing the ground.

“What was that?” Monitor Man asks.

“You could hear that? From up there?” Carp asks.

“Yeah. There’s some kind of weird echo.”

There is the sound of more pawing and Carp hears a snort and feels a rush of air against the back of his neck. Both unicorns appear simultaneously. One is standing behind Carp’s left shoulder and the other his right.  He slowly moves out of stabbing distance

“Unicorns!” Smudge Mal calls.

“Cool!” Spots Wash exclaims.

Monitor Man whistles for a bubble. One swoops across the meadow and into the entrance of the rainforest. It stops next to Monitor Man’s branch. He steps on to the top of the bubble and sits down with his legs crossed in front of him. He says, “Down to the next branch please.” The bubble lowers itself to the branch the kittens are sitting on. Both kittens climb on to Monitor Man’s lap. Smudge Mal yawns and begins kneading a thigh. “Down to the road please.” The actor instructs. He looks at Smudge Mal. “Don’t get too comfortable. We aren’t going far.”

The kitten yawns again. “Okay.” He stops kneading.

The bubble lowers itself to the ground, setting down well away from the unicorns and their horns. Both kittens immediately jump from the bubble and run over to the magical creatures. One sniffing at a hoof while the other one chases a tail.

“Careful!” Carp calls. “The silver one is...” He says just as the silver unicorn lowers his head to sniff at Smudge Mal. The creature blows at the kitten with curiosity.

Smudge Mal takes a step back. “Could you watch it with the boogers?” the kitten asks as he scratches at his head. The top of Smudge Mal’s head glows with bits of unicorn stuff. “Spots?” Smudge Mal calls.

“Yeah?” Spots Wash responds between reaches. He misses by a hair (sorry...not sorry), then catches a bit of the white unicorn’s tail only to have it slide through his claws seconds later. The unicorn patiently swats at the kitten’s head as she would a fly.

“A little help here.” Smudge Mal calls.

Spots Wash abandons his game and runs to his older brother. “You have unicorn boogies all over your head.”

Smudge Mal glares at Spots Wash. “Clean me up.”

“No way man.” Spots Wash says. “You’re on your own with this one.”

Smudge Mal scratches at his head a couple of more times. Abandoning the scratching, the kitten moves to a tree and attempts to rub it off. The colorful glowing spreads, permeating his fur completely.

“That’s not helping.” Monitor Man points out.

Smudge Mal, Badass Browncoat Kitty, is now a walking rainbow. His unique brown smudge glows a bright, vibrating pink.

“Is everyone ready to go?” The group hears Writer Lady’s question well before they see her. As she, Tinkletoes, Dobby, and TP get closer to the group her smile grows smaller eventually disappearing completely.

“Smudgie?” She asks, staring at Smudge Mal.

Both unicorns turn to face her. She stops walking and holds an arm out to each side, stopping Tinkletoes and Dobby from continuing further.

“You were saying...” Tinkletoes prompts.

Writer Lady glares at Tinkletoes and takes the lead.

Tinkletoes looks at Dobby. “Everything is always my fault. It doesn’t matter who really did it. It’s always my fault.”

Writer Lady calms herself as much as she can before she stops to greet the unicorns, she places herself between them. Writer Lady is worried about Smudge Mal. But...unicorns. How often does someone get to meet a unicorn, much less two of them.

“Care...” Carp says as Writer Lady reaches out to one of them. The white unicorn sniffs at her closed hand and nickers her consent to a nose rub. The silver one nudges the back of her arm with his head indicating his need for a nose rub as well. “...ful.”

“Okay, okay...just a second.” She says.

“There’s a softness to her tone.” Monitor Man observes.

“It’s a little bit scary.” Carp says.

“We are in the eye of the hurricane men. Prepare to take cover.” Tinkletoes says as he, Dobby, and TP approach. “When the storm picks back up, it’s going down.”

Writer Lady looks at Monitor Man. She stops petting the unicorns and crosses the road to speak with him.

“Monitor Man, do you ever do any stunts?” Tinkletoes calls out.

“Yes.” He answers without taking his eyes off of Writer Lady. “I’ve had a little bit of training.”

“You might want to use some of that trainin’ now.”

Writer Lady is a little bit over a foot away when Tinkletoes calls. “I hope you’re wearing a cup.” The self-proclaimed mercenary waits to see the pretty boy receive his first real blow.

“Hello.” Writer Lady says.

“Hello.” Monitor Man responds.

“Do you know what happened to my kitten?” She asks.

“Yes. He was getting to know the silver unicorn and it sneezed on him.”

“He’s glowing because of unicorn...”

“stuff.” Monitor Man says, finishing Writer Lady’s sentence. “Smudge Mal tried to scratch it off and that didn’t work. He asked Spots to lick it off for him and Spots said, “No.” He tried to remove it by rubbing against a tree trunk and that just spread it even more.”

“That’s why my cat looks like a rainbow?” She asks.

“That’s why your cat looks like a rainbow.” 

"She's not yelling at him, why is she not yelling at him?"  Tinkletoes mutters and stares in disbelief.

TP giggles and begins to leave.

Tinkletoes puts a hand up to stop the faerie. “Where are you going?”

“To find a chicken.” TP says.

“A chicken?”
“TP brings a chicken for the unicorn to sneeze on. The chicken rolls in the dirt, becomes rainbow colored, lays eggs, we cook the eggs, and then..." the faeirie grins stretching out the suspense, " we taste the rainbow.” He says giggling.

Communicating Openly (Well...Sort Of)

“Are you sure about that?” Monitor Man asks. “Doesn’t she work?”

Both kittens look at Monitor Man with blank expressions.

“Does she dress up and go out all day long?”

“She puts on clothes that she doesn’t want us to sit on her lap too much when she’s wearing them.” Smudge Mal says.

“She puts stringy, brown things on her legs then yells at us when we chase them.” Spots Wash shares.

“She makes a serious face when she leaves and the serious face is gone when she comes home.” Smudge Mal says.

“That sounds like going to work.” Monitor Man says. “That’s how humans pay their light bill.”

“How does spending all day away from home pay the light bill?” Spots Wash asks.

“Humans go to a place every day and do something that is previously agreed upon. In return, they get money. Humans use the money to pay the light bill, buy food, cat litter.” Monitor Man explains.

“Toy mice?” Spots Wash asks. “Is that how she gets toy mice?”

“Yes. That’s how she gets toy mice too.”

“Do you work?” Spots Wash asks.

“Yes.”

“What do you do for money?” Smudge Mal asks.

“I’m an actor.” Monitor Man announces with a smile.

The kittens look at Monitor Man and wait for more information.

“I...I...um...” He looks at the kittens. “Have you ever seen Dylan and the kids play ‘Pretend’?”

“Yes.” Smudge Mal answers.

“That’s what I do. I play pretend.” Monitor Man says.

The kittens look and at each other and then back at Monitor Man.

“Is that all?”

“They give you money for that?”

“It’s a bit more complicated than a simple game of ‘Pretend’. There are cameras, you have to wear specific clothes, your hair has to be fixed in a certain way, there’s make-up...” Monitor Man says.“...you have specific things to say, there are facial expressions that you have to use...”

“You wear make-up?” Smudge Mal asks.

“Yes.” Monitor Man answers.

“Make-up is for girls.” Spots Wash announces. “Girls and candy asses.”

Smudge Mal and Monitor Man both look at Spots Wash.

“That’s what Tinkletoes says.”

“That’s not what I said.” Tinkletoes says. “What I said was that I wished I had left the barbed wire up until Pretty Boy had gotten stuck in it.”

“I asked you if catching pretty boys was better than Ninja Zombie slaying.” Dobby says.

“I said that there ain’t nothin’ better than a pretty boy that’s been tied up and gagged. I pointed to Monitor Man and said that it would be like a dream come true to see him out of the way.”

Writer Lady’s face changes slowly. The self-proclaimed mercenary and future U.S. President (or so he thinks) watches helplessly as the anger transfers from the ginger tabby to him.

“Don’t look at me.” Tinkletoes says. “I didn’t do anything.”

Writer Lady glares at Tinkletoes.

“I didn’t do this.”

“Who did?” She asks.

“Those guys.” Tinkletoes says gesturing to Dobby and someplace outside.

“Where did they get the idea? Think about it...really hard. Could it be that all of your talk about pretty boys getting stuck in barb wire fences had something to do with this?”

Tinkletoes’ expression changes from one of concentration to realization to one of horror and finally, denial. “No. It wasn’t me.” He looks at Dobby. “Dobby, did I say, “Take Monitor Man to Faerie and play target practice with him?”

Dobby shakes his head.

“There. I didn’t do anything.” Tinkletoes says. He points to the ginger tabby, looks at Writer Lady, and says, “Get him.”

“The kittens were the ones chasing him.” Dobby argues.

Writer Lady groans with exasperation and hides her head in her hands. After several moments she raises her head and says, “They’re babies,they don’t know any better.”

“Whose fault is that?” TP's voice echoes through the hut. The sound of his giggling follows.

Writer Lady makes another sound of frustration, rises from her seat, and stops at the hut’s one and only window. It is raining. Water drips from tree leaves making intricate trails. Down, over, down, along the back of one of the larger leaves, and down again. It reminds her of a Rube Goldberg machine.

“This has gone on too long.” She says. “It’s time to go home.”

Carp and Black Buck continue walking in companionable silence.

“Unicorns.” Carp says. “According to my research, unicorns help others through obstacles that are greater than their fears.” He looks at Black Buck. “Have you been a visitor to Faerie for very long?”

The antelope smiles, “I have been traveling back and forth most of my life. I wandered through an entry by accident when I was a calf.”

“How many unicorns have you encountered?”

“A dozen or so. But I have never seen them help any living creature through an obstacle greater than their own fear.”

“When have you seen them?” Carp asks.

“Let me see...the unicorns here do appear when someone is sick.” Black Buck looks at Carp. “You don’t appear sick. Have you been bitten by anything since arriving? A Contaminavit Cimex perhaps?”

Carp shrugs.

Black Buck leans in and sniffs at Carp. “No. If you had been bit you would smell of gangrene.”

The two continue walking.

“I do believe that they have also been known to help weary travelers find their way home. Are you ready to go?”

Carp stops walking and looks at his surroundings—the meadows to the left and right, the flying bubbles carrying creatures that the retired romance writer only dreamed of seeing to magical places unknown, the road ahead...the pair continue walking as the sun disappears, obscured by a canopy of leaves. A coyote calls from behind. A lion’s roar can be heard in the distance ahead. “It would be useful to know where the road that leads home is.” Carp admits. “No. I’m not ready to go. Not by a long shot.”

“That’s too bad. We are.” A voice calls from above Carp and Black Buck’s heads.